Days 113 - 128: Tokyo Winter
Where to begin? Between the last post's misadventure and now, there were final assignments and exams which I managed to get through. Then a week off which was much needed and much too short. It was all pretty uneventful though. Saw some friends, played some video games. Last week co-op began. That's when the events started happening...the events being me going into full-on crisis mode thinking I had squandered the last two years and that a career in IT wasn't actually for me and I had just stupidly chosen it on a lark and that I was doomed to be miserable at whatever job I ended up in....
After that significant leap in reasoning, I vented to some friends who helped me reign myself back in and tried to steady my thinking on the matter. Even now, I'm having to remind myself not to let the stress of the co-op role get to me, and boy was it stressful. First of all: significantly busier than it was the first time around. Second of all: more and more tickets were thrown at me before I even had my access card to get me into city buildings and they've continued to pile up. It was overwhelming pretty much from the get-go.
Now...before I get too deep down this pit of despair and rile myself up again, I have to remind myself what I learned from talking it out with friends and in my own head: I'm not crazy. IT is still cool to me, it's still an interesting and stimulating career choice. I think what I'm struggling with (and this started in some capacity toward the end of the last co-op term) is the grand scale of doing a job like this in the public sector, for an entire city. Now, again, it's only the first week, I'm sure things will get better as I get back into the swing of things. But more importantly, this too shall pass. Four months went by in a flash last time, and the last study period seemed to go by even quicker. What this means is that before I know it, not only will I be done co-op, but I'll be graduating, at which point I'll be able to choose what it is that I actually wanna do...and I don't have to choose to apply for a job I don't feel like I would enjoy. What a concept! It's fine. It's going to be fine. I'm still going to learn a lot. And there are other important learnings happening here too.
What I'm learning about myself is that I actually crave routine. The idea of driving around to different spots throughout the day to do my job has lost its novelty. On top of that, there's this new found wanderlust that I've mentioned here a bit already. Maybe I don't wanna work for this city because I'm already envisioning myself in different city...in a different province. Which sort of brings me to another discovery that I sort of made today, mother's day (it was good by the way, it was just my folks and my brother and I and we also celebrated my dad's birthday which was yesterday with a killer seafood dinner we ordered in. I'm thankful for that today). But yes, the discovery I made is that perhaps I don't wait until after I've gotten a job (wherever that may be) for the grandiose leisure travel I've had on my mind forever...maybe I want to head to Japan right after I graduate.
I don't know what other opportunity I'll have to do it, it'll be months at least after getting a job before I can think about a big 10-14 day trip to Japan, which would also probably eat up all of my vacation time, so why not do it before that's even a worry? I have money saved. I want to eventually buy a place of my own but that's going to take time regardless of what I do and I'm gonna be at my folks for a bit longer while I'm saving and that's something unavoidable that I'm just going to have to come terms with. Why wait any longer than I must to do something I've been wanting to do for years? The thought of it motivates me and pushes me forward and I feel like it's a healthy goal to strive for. I think it'll only make the already quick passage of time through these last bits of co-op and schooling go even quicker.
It's a decision I just made today, (technically yesterday as it's ticked past midnight while typing this) and I've only told my brother. We bonded today as I had to pick him up to come to my folks' place and drop him off after and it's a relatively long ride with the traffic. I've spoken here on the fact that he's the polar opposite of me when it comes to showing emotion, so it was nice when I saw a few more little hints of it today. He told me he was thinking about getting a dog, in his words: "a small dog like Meelu." Meelu, who has sadly passed, was the little Maltese mix who belonged to his ex-wife. Meelu was an adorable little pup who my brother had clearly become smitten with (though he'd never admit it). I thought it was endearing that he was thinking of getting a dog, and I do think in some odd way that him telling me was his way of opening up to me and letting me know he was missing some companionship. When I dove into the dating apps far too early after my own separation, he advised me against it and told me to take my time, but I've also gotten the understanding in not so many words that he's trying his hand at that again too. Of course he is. He's human for fuck's sake.
I've felt those tinges of loneliness again myself. I've checked in a few times to see what was going on with my former wife. I've found myself having this passing thoughts again of jumping back onto the dating apps myself but I quickly (more quickly than I used to) think better of it and try to find some other way to distract myself. My motivations aren't right. Being lonely and sexually frustrated does not a good relationship make. Taking some time...all the fucking time that I need to not only figure out what I want but to also BE with myself and allow myself to be selfish and inward-facing without consequence...that's how I get to be the person who's ready to give himself to someone else. That's how I get to become strong enough to take on the next challenge. That's the ticket. And it just so happens that it might also start wit a ticket to Japan.
Maybe sooner rather than later.
