Yeah, really...that title. If I'm being honest, I don't where the fuck it came from. First thing that popped into my head. How the fuck can that be possible? I had to look up what it actually means. I must have heard it somewhere.
Anyway, what? Where was I? I don't know because to be honest this is sort of one of those weird semi-streams of consciousness. Like, it's been a minute since the last post, and a lot has happened, and as always when I sit down to type I can barely parse it all. At most, I usually start blathering with some Coles Notes of the events of the last week or two and eventually try to pinpoint some moral that was meant to be discovered by me in the simple act of journaling and recounting my feelings on what has transpired. Okay so why don't I take a stab at doing just that? That last entry was about me making it another year coupled with a sad but maybe hopeful summation of the last three years. I'm still on that train. In the intervening weeks, I wrestled with anxiety that I had made the wrong decision yet again with regards to a job. I was scared like hell that there is indeed nothing out there for me that is a remotely fulfilling means of employment. That settled, thank the universe. It was new job jitters mostly, self-consciousness at being the guy who doesn't know what the fuck he's doing, and an acute worry that I would be that guy for a lot longer than anyone cared to put up with. But I made it over the hump, I think. It's a comfortable, well-worn shoe.
And it's a good thing too, because worry and panic about the new job initially begot worry and panic about my plans to leave the nest (again). If I'm not steadfast in this thing, if I'm not locked in, the panic is going to bleed over and I'm going to worry constantly about being on my own, waiting for the other shoe to drop where I leave this job too and then I'm stuck in limbo (and financial turmoil). Luckily, as I said, I moved past that. I'm in a good groove now, and I'm actually looking forward more and more to moving out...despite dealing with some panic on that front too. The affordability of even renting seemed monumental, even with the little pay bump of the new gig. But some creative budgeting and me starting to find things in my price range that are not impossibly small (like a lot of what I was seeing at first) did put me somewhat at ease. Besides, this is what I've wanted for years now, this has been the end goal (or at least the mid-game boss) for about four years now. No matter the risks, I have to try. And each day it seems less risky and more doable.
I had another therapy session. Those are getting fewer and farther between, and by my own doing because I've been feeling more stable. Of course, it seems inevitable that just when I think things are peachy keen, something grabs me by the ankles and yanks me to the ground. There have been these little back and forths with my former partner (also getting fewer and farther between which I think is definitely healthy). Last time it was to pick up some of her grandma's cookies which she remembered that I liked so she set aside some for me. An admittedly sweet sentiment (even though she was originally going to drop them off with my mom when she was in my neck of the woods and completely forgot). But it was fine. I went by there, hung out for a few minutes, even had some pleasant chit chat and then I took the cookies and went on my merry way. Not but a month or so later and I get a text saying she found a shot glass of mine (which coincidentally I was looking for the week prior...don't know how I didn't notice it was missing until just then almost four years later).
So I make plans to head up there the next time I have a massage appointment, as the clinic is not too far from the old place. That was supposed to be this coming weekend but had to be rescheduled in favour of Palestinian mother's day brunch with my folks. Well, I was kinda hoping to get that thing back soon and try to move on with my life yet again, but no matter, I guess I can wait a couple of weeks. Then I had to push the appointment forward yet again because it turned out being the only day everyone could get together to work on the short film I've been doing. Sidebar: yes, that's a thing. I finished the acting classes I was doing with my cousin and then he asked me to be in a short film he was making with an old buddy of his. It's been fun! Kinda the results I was hoping for when I took the classes in the first place. Returning to an old hobby, another distraction, another creative outlet to keep me occupied. All this to say, now it's going to be a long while before I go back to the old house and and get my shot glass back. At this point I'm ready to just get it and move on and let it be the last piece of this endless puzzle before I make one final vault over the stupidly high bar I've set for myself to finally get to "the right place," wherever and what the fuck ever that is.
But that pleasant, carefree aura I was holding onto is kinda gone. I heard some things through some mutuals that made me more than ever just wanna get what I need and get the fuck out. Maybe for good. I've often thought about having just such a conversation with her, a sort of "maybe this ought to be bye for good" sort of thing. We've sometimes gone months without talking over the last few years but we always inevitably do, even if it's just inane small talk. And my mind tells me "don't be here Joe. Don't fucking be in this place man it's been FOUR god damn years." And it has. And I've been doing well man, like REALLY fucking well, if I actually turn off the sad boy energy and take a step back and look at my progress...it's incredible.
And maybe it's just that need for intimate and romantic companionship rearing its ugly head, but we're not on that step yet, man. I told myself to nix the dating apps, focus on me, and move forward with purpose, and literally everything else in my life has improved as a result of that. Got a newer, better paying job. I'm exploring my hobbies more, getting outta my comfort zone a bit more. I am SLOWLY...very slowly, but still surely putting more time into my music and making it more of a priority. I'm going to therapy...I mean fuck I'm doing everything right....right??
Okay Joe...deep breaths. Once I've saved up a bit more money as a cushion in the next month or two, it'll be time. I'm already knee deep in looking at places online. Mostly basement apartments but hey, there's some nice ones, and ones that'll certainly get the job done. My brother's girlfriend the real estate agent has given me access to the full MLS listings and I've been finding stuff that looks good and spacious and livable and is kinda within my budget. Once things warm up next month and I have a bit more money banked, we'll actually go out and start seeing some of these places for real and then I can finally move in to my own space. I'll get it set up the way I want it, I'll get settled in, and then I'll regroup. Hell, I may even realize I like having my own place to myself so god damn much that I'll put off dating for another 6 months, I don't fucking know man. All I know is that I gotta take it one step at a time.
My sour mood with regards to this stuff and the whole back and forth situation with my old partner and house lit a fire under my ass to finish a new song for this month and for the song-a-month challenge that I am now back to in full force. The song has this smug, angry energy to it that I don't normally tap into, and I kinda love how it turned out. It takes this whole situation and gives it a sort triumphant but aggressive conclusion. A haunting denouement if you will...
Look at that, I brought it full circle.
I'll make it folks. I swear I will. I am officially closer than I've ever been to everything I want. And that's something to be grateful for.
