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and I told you everything.
An immense feeling of dissatisfaction and sadness has completely taken over me the past couple of months. A feeling of anxiety has formulated because I gave into being unsure, to accepting that I wasn't happy. I acknowledge that there is a constant void in my life and people will have theories of what it is I am actually missing. Familial relationships often jump on the God wagon and how I need to give it up "Sa Ginoo" and friends talk about the lack of passion and that I'm not doing what I love. I feel like I'm catapulting in a direction I don't want to head towards. I don't want to throw away the hard work I've done, but I need a pause button. For a little while, I want to take myself out of this equation and find authentic Sarah. I'm pretty steadfast, I love consistency, stability, and comfort. Right now, this just doesn't feel right. I don't feel right. I need to discover something bigger than my life. A purpose. This crises need to rectified. I don't want to keep living a life where I'm half-assing and accept everything as they come even when it makes me more unhappy. Someone lectured and asked me if I actually ever given my life much thought. I replied back, "All the freaking time. You don't know me and you don't know the balance it takes to live my life. It's complicated and messy, but it's mine. Not yours. I am doing what I can to survive." It's always about control and influencing. Because if you can influence people into your liking then it's happily ever after, right? And I often forget that I am much bigger than this situation. It just doesn't feel like it. I'm really hoping for a sign or just the strength to keep on.
