#lilelf

[lilacpuke]

I feel like I’m in a dream

[lilelfofthesun-blog]

Lisa Manoban (Black Pink)

[lilacpuke]

its weird when i have to function because when i am, i barely feel anything. I say what i think without caring. I just say whatever no matter what the consequences. I’m on autopilot, it affects my relationships and at the same time, it makes me worried because i know it will just push everyone away. Sometimes i dont make effort with my friendships, I’ve even lost friends because of that. I used to do this with my family but now i make more effort because I didn’t like how they started to feel strangers to me and it was hard for me to talk to them too.

Im just so disconnected from reality

[lilacpuke]

something changed inside me and I don’t know what it is

[lilacpuke]

i ! sure ! wish ! i ! can ! kill ! myself ! rn

[lilacpuke]

it’s daniel’s birthday today and i’m not telling him happy birthday for first time in five years, i’d get very excited because it used to be a special day to me. he was my world, my soulmate, my home even though he was shitty; now i can’t celebrate or talk with him anymore. i’m very, very, very sad.. maybe that’s not the right word BUT i am down; he’s currently in the army for training and he will be home in a couple of weeks; i am unsure if he will hit me up, but i’m hoping to receive some kind of closure from him. it’d help with my moving on progress; i want to be able to give Tyler the love he deserves. I feel guilty about thinking of Daniel, I know i shouldn’t because he was my first love and it’s natural.

it’s been weird, because it’s also our five years anniversary in two days. hopefully by next year, it won’t phase me anymore and that he’ll be just another memory.

[lilacpuke]

i just blew my boyfriend for first time ever in his car and i feel weird because im so used to do this w multiple men, but at same time, i’m happy because i finally did this with him.

[lilacpuke]

its officially my bday

definitely better than last year, so far.

exactly a year ago, i was drowning in self loathing and numbing my pain with xans. i just hated myself so much, i wanted to die. i’m gonna make sure i don’t cry on this day like i did last year.