Summary: While clearly still being in a frazzled state, Cinder has an enlightening conversation with someone she naively didn't expect and... well, another accident happens... one she doesn't know if she regrets.
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Words: 3.5
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A/N: sorry it took me all day to post this, i've been out. i also wrote this after binging love island... do with that information what you will. recall cinder and kai's interaction in chapter one, especially his words. it's what made cinder go crazy in the first place. special shoutout to elle, aster, and gaia who have been stalking my account. i'll take you out to chili's to compensate. on me.
When the knock on the door finally came, Cinder was somewhat prepared. After her conversation with Scarlet, she spent the majority of her day mapping out possible scenarios. She turned off her phone, accidentally ignoring Thorne’s calls and messages. The silence helped her gather her thoughts.
Now, she was ready to act. At least, she tried to convince herself that. However, her determination was poorly expressed by her trembling fingers. The cool handle twisted underneath her grip as she slowly pulled it toward her. She took her final breath before facing the boy she had been dreading speaking to all day.
Expecting dark blue irises was her first mistake. Her throat contracted in surprise. She was met with a soft copper brown instead, and her heart squeezed as her body froze. When it came to this boy, she had learned that she retained little control of her physical—and mental—actions.
Kai smiled in greeting, his hands tucked into his jean pockets as he leaned his head to one side. “I was going to bring flowers, but Scar’s not back yet and I can’t wait another moment longer to speak to you.”
This wasn’t right. Thorne was supposed to speak with her first. She had to get him out of the way before she could fully face her feelings with Kai. It was easier to focus on Thorne than Kai. She didn't know what to say or do.
Visions of Thorne morphing into Kai began to cloud her head. How badly she had wanted it to be him. How badly she wanted… well, him.
“Flowers?” was all she could breathe out.
He ducked his head sheepishly, scratching his neck. “Yeah. I would’ve just gotten them myself, but I already asked her to buy them and I would feel bad if I didn’t use them. I swear, as soon as she gets here, they’re yours.”
“Why?” She knew why. She just couldn’t think of anything else to respond with.
He chuckled. “If you’ll let me in, I can tell you.” Crap. He used a low, soothing voice that settled deep in her belly. It was as gentle as it was attractive and never failed to make her guts flip. Paired with the eye contact he maintained, Cinder didn’t know how she didn’t fall to her knees.
The chaos of the past few days threw her usually well-regulated emotions through a typhoon. Everything was out of sorts and, as a result, everything felt more heightened and dramatic than it was. She doubted she’d be internally reacting like this if the past weekend hadn’t happened.
“Or we can talk out here, if you prefer that.” Kai recovered after she didn’t respond.
“No, please come inside. The other girls are in the library, so, yeah.” She trailed off, letting him in.
Kai walked behind Cinder as she sat herself down on the long couch in the shared space. It faced the small TV and had seen countless stories play out, including Kai’s drunken confession.
There was a moment of awkward silence before he lowered himself next to her. Now, they were at least four feet apart, their bodies turned towards each other. A wish to scoot closer suddenly overtook her mind, and she nearly complied before shoving it away. She was hyperaware of the damage that could be done as a result of neglecting her feelings. She was either going to jump him and never let go or run away. Neither felt right nor wrong, so she stayed put with her hands folded neatly in her lap.
Cinder could not be trusted in this wretched state.
“Okay, about Friday night, I just want to apologize—" he started.
“About what?” She blurted, still preoccupied with keeping herself at bay. It was easier to look at dust settling on the TV than him.
“About getting drunk and you having to take care of me. I shouldn’t have dumped that on you.”
“You have nothing to be sorry for. Besides, we both had more than we can handle.” She turned to look at him. “I’ll always care for you.” Now she was speaking without thinking. Control yourself.
Kai paused, searching for something in her eyes. She chose not to dwell on his gaze. Once satisfied, he continued. “I also wanted to talk to you about what I said.”
Her heart dropped. His voice, genuine and gentle, rang through her mind like Christmas bells. Cinder. At once, she was transported back Friday night.
“...Do you remember?” she murmured.
He shuffled closer. Three feet, now. “I was hoping you could tell me.”
She gulped. “About what you said?”
“Well, yes.” You’re so warm! His voice continued to jingle as the memory ceased to leave her mind.
Noticing her discomfort, he got even closer. “Did I say something to upset you? Oh stars, I’m so sorry.”
I-I never wanted her! “No!” She waved her hands, accidentally reducing the distance in her haste to comfort him. Two feet. “I mean, not exactly.”
“Did I say something bad? Clearly, it’s bothering you.” His eyes expressed true guilt. Her heart twisted painfully. If only he knew.
She reminded me of you, Cinder.
“No, you didn’t. You just— surprised me...” She could barely handle looking at him a minute longer without feeling strangely heavy. Yet, she couldn’t break eye contact. Her breaths started to come in short wisps as her chest tightened. It felt as though her entire body was being pulled by an invisible rope, and she was doing everything in her power to resist it. However, the more the copper in his eyes shone, the more her body relented. They were now less than a foot away, all by her own doing. “You— you said things that threw me off a bit.”
She had been aching for this man ever since her accidental kiss. Her fingers throbbed in response to resisting his pull. She wished for her whole body to be wrapped around his structured figure. She pictured his hand entangling itself in her brown hair. Her lips tingled as she thought of what it would be like to kiss him for hours upon hours.
His voice dropped. “Oh, no. I think I can piece it together now.”
Cinder’s mind fought itself to bring her back to the present, but she struggled to separate fantasy from reality. Kai, on the other hand, looked worried, debating about what to do. Either confess or apologize.
He better make his decision quickly before she made a move she was half-conscious of doing.
“Did you mean it?” The words came out like a plea. Through the messy haze that fuddled her brain, one thing seemed certain. She wanted him.
Nevermind Thorne, their kiss, and their friendship. She never wanted to be with a person more than Kai. The man who could charm the stars with his eyes as easily as he could speak to a crowd. The person who trusted her enough to let vulnerability seep through cracks. The person she was inexplicably drawn to, and not only because of his face.
When she met Jade for the first time, something dark coated their conversations. Cinder could now label it as envy. Pure jealousy, on both ends. It hurt seeing Kai with someone who wasn’t her. Yet, she hadn’t known it then. When they broke up, she felt guilty for being slightly happy, even though Kai expressed his relief numerous times. Yes, she was attracted to him, but she had no clue that her feelings would ever reach this level.
A revelation she hadn’t realized she was anticipating began to form. It came from every small smile he had offered her over the years. Every joke. Every conversation. Every quiet gaze. No matter what either of them said or did, their relationship would transform after today. Into what exactly depended on his next words.
He reached out to soothe her trembling hand. She didn’t even notice until he caressed the scars that soiled her skin. Kai sighed, staring at their touch. “Yes, Cinder, I did.” Her eyes widened. “I’m sorry to put you in this situation; you deserve better. But, I came here today to express how I feel to you. You don’t have to say anything, but I’ve always wanted our friendship to turn into something more.”
She should be reasonable and think about Jade like she usually did. Selfishly, Jade didn’t exist right now. Perhaps a bad decision, but Cinder had a streak to keep up.
Kai flipped her palm so it was facing upwards. He traced the callouses on her long fingers, following the intricacies of her burns. This wasn’t the first time he had done this, yet it felt much more serious. Having someone look at her imperfections with such respect was still a sensation she was learning to deal with. She thought that he’d interlace their fingers. When he didn’t, Cinder did.
He continued. “Listen, I’m going to sound like a complete jerk, but the entirety of my relationship with Jade never felt genuine. A part of me always ended up thinking of you.” He squeezed. “Wanting you.”
Cinder was so focused on how his thumb softly rubbed the back of her hand that when he cupped her cheek with his free palm, she was taken by surprise. It was like the gravity of his words was emphasized by the intensity in his eyes. Her heart began to beat impossibly faster while she tried to control her breaths. His touch gradually rose from her chin to her ear, where he tucked a loose flyaway away behind it.
I always wanted you… The look he gave her that night was all she could think about. She wondered what her expression looked like to him.
“Kai…” was all she could breathe out. It was the only thing she could think about anyway. They were less than a foot apart at this point and gradually closing the distance. Whereas earlier thousands of possibilities arose in her mind, she could only see one conclusion. Well, two, but she only wanted one of them.
He, however, looked at her like she was made of pure gold. Like she was the only thing to be looked at. Like she was a timeless painting in the Louvre that people journey from all over the world to see. His eyes told her that she was more than a prize to him; she was someone to be appreciated. Venerated. Loved. She never thought anyone would ever perceive her in that way. Yet, here he was, a few inches in front of her, and she wanted him badly. She wanted him to look at her that way forever.
“I hope you forgive me, Cinder. And I’d like to take you out on a date, if you’ll accept me. After seeing what we could be like on Friday, it’s all I can think about. I— I need you to know how I feel.” He broke their shared gaze to kiss the tips of her fingers. Even the way he held her conveyed reverence and awe. His eyes snapped back to hers as if they needed to pierce into hers. “I like you a lot, Cinder. Maybe more than that.” He chuckled awkwardly. “We don’t have to go there right now. But my point is–”
She didn’t know what got into her, honestly. Kai’s face got closer and closer until her eyes slipped shut and the world went dark. It wasn’t until she pulled away for air that she realized that she’d kissed him. She barely had time to think before going back for another.
The kiss began slow soft, and sweet, but quickly deepened. Words she couldn’t form passed through contented sighs and quiet moans. It wasn’t hungry or desperate, like…. Something teetered in the corner of her mind; something she had to remember. Yet, the glory of his lips overtook her senses. Finally, her body and mind reverberated. This is what she wanted, and it was happening at last.
While her hands preoccupied themselves with learning the feel of his face and hair, he gently squeezed her neck, holding her head firm. The pressure made it slightly harder to breathe, but easier for embarrassing noises to come out of her. His other palm held her waist, sliding up and down her torso. Realizing that she wasn’t close enough for him to dip lower than the curve on her hip, she attempted to get closer… except she lost her balance and practically fell on top of him.
He wasn’t expecting her sudden lunge, and so he fell backwards, bringing her with him. Now, she hovered above him, hair falling in between them. Cinder giggled, her lips touching his with each laugh. Kai chuckled, pushing her hair out of her face and pulling her back into his warmth. Her legs grounded her on either side of his hips as his hand, now lower than her waist, kept their bodies close. In the small breaks she took to gather her breath, he tenderly pulled her back, like he couldn’t get enough. In fact, she could feel the small smile he fought to control on his lips, one she began to mirror.
Kai was so gentle. Not rough at all. Unlike—
His hair was softer than she predicted; it was like running your fingers through silk ribbons. He was firm but also delicate. He guided her but never commanded. Stars, even his tongue felt like he was trying to embrace her. Their kiss didn’t feel impulsive, like the other one. It felt like they were meant to end up tangled on this couch, kissing with no intention of ever stopping.
A phantom memory of coarse and hungry lips shot uneasy electricity up her spine. Dread possessed her stomach before travelling up to her sternum. Lucidity awoke her nerves, and her excited heart sank.
Though being with him felt so right, it was so wrong of her to kiss him on many levels. There were too many people involved; too many things that could go awry.
She snapped backwards, gasping for air.
Kai immediately sat up, his tousled hair matching the worry clear on his face. “Are you okay? What happened?” He was quick to ask. “Did I do something…?” he asked hesitantly.
Cinder shook her head apologetically. She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand before speaking. “It’s not you; I’m sorry. I–I did something I shouldn’t have.”
His lips twitched, misreading her explanation. The red on his ears spread to his cheeks, breaking out into a lazy smile as his eyes drifted back into the daze they’d held only seconds before. “There’s nothing to apologize for, darling. C’mere, we can talk it out.”
She wanted nothing more than to trap herself in his arms again and memorize the hardness of his chest while he showered her with pet names and praises, but her conscience held her back. “No, Kai, I can’t. Fuck.”
Her hands covered her face in shame. Kai peeled her fingers back and met her eyes through the cracks. “Cinder, tell me, what’s wrong?”
She gulped, her guilt almost bringing her to tears. “You’re not going to like it.”
He chuckled softly, still trying to pull her hands away. “I’m a grown man; I think I can handle it.”
Before Kai could hold her face again after successfully freeing her cheeks, she stood up from the couch and paced. “Seriously, don’t get mad.”
“Why would I get mad? What did you do?” He followed and tried to stop her nervous fidgeting, placing calm hands on her shoulders. His voice softened “Cinder, you can tell me.”
She didn’t look up from her feet, gathering courage. “Kai, before today, I wasn’t sure if what I felt for you was just a crush or more than that. And then, you said all those things, and, well, I realized that I want to be with you too. If the kiss wasn’t obvious enough about how I felt, here it is. I want you to know that I really like you.”
“Then what’s wrong?” Kai murmured. Anxiety creased his brow.
“The timing.” She paused, dreading her next words. He deserved to know, especially if they wanted to pursue a serious relationship.
His hands moved down to her waist, holding her sides reassuringly. "If it’s about Jade, I swear there is nothing going on. I can cut her off—”
Aces, she honestly forgot about Jade. “No– I mean, that’s part of it, but I made a mistake.”
“What? When?”
She took in a long sigh, facing him with something akin to regret. His eyes widened, deciphering her expression. “Kai, I kissed Thorne.”
His face morphed into confusion. “Huh?”
“Last night, I kissed him. And we made out a little bit, but—” His eyes scrunched like he was in pain. The warmth on her waist left as he dragged his hands over his face.
“Hold on.” He closed his eyes as he tried to process the information. “Why?”
“I don’t know. One minute I was kissing him and the next I was— I don’t know.”
An awkward pause followed, ending with Kai taking a step back. “You kissed him yesterday, then you kissed me today. Cinder, do you know how that makes me feel?”
“Horrible. Like I’m going back and forth, but, Kai, I swear I’m not. I was just confused—”
“Cinder, I didn’t know I was losing a battle for your attention. And, worse, that I’m losing to Thorne who fucking told me that—-”
“Kai, I understand you.” She raised her hands as his voice began to rise. His composure was cracking, just slightly. It seemed like Thorne bothered him more than her, and she was selfishly grateful.
“What?” His tone was full of utter bewilderment.
“When I was kissing him, I kept picturing your face. Like how you told me what you felt with Jade.”
He cocked his head, not following. “That’s what I said? Holy shit.”
“I thought you knew.”
“I thought I confessed my feelings, not that.” He blushed. “I regret continuing with Jade while I was falling for you.”
Cinder’s heart twitched, like he was pinching her arteries with tweezers. “Kai, I shouldn’t have kissed you, especially after kissing Thorne. I’m still confused about my own feelings, and—”
“Be honest, do you have any for him?” His lip trembled as if he were stuck in a state of disbelief.
She sighed. “I thought I did, but I’d rather just be friends.”
He stilled, scanning her face. She let him settle a little longer. “Do you… do you want us to be just friends?”
“Is it wrong to say that I don’t?”
Kai’s beautiful eyes widened just slightly, like he was restraining himself from closing the gap again. His voice dropped instead. He’d always been good at self-control. “What would you have said before we kissed?”
She didn’t want to answer, yet Cinder couldn’t handle ever holding her tongue from him. “I don’t know.” She finally conceded, her voice low and shuddering.
Cinder knew where his thought process was heading. Physical familiarity, such as kissing, can influence anyone’s emotions a great deal. It definitely factored into this situation. However, it didn’t persuade her; it revealed a truth she didn’t know she had hidden away. A stupid box locked away within her mind forcibly opened.
Cinder loved Kai. The truth was that simple. The kiss made her accept it. The next step was to confess.
“I think you should talk to Thorne before you make any decisions,” Kai stated. He fixed his face into a smooth expression and met her stare. “So it’s fair to him. And to yourself.”
“I agree.” She stepped forward, her pulse quickening. “Kai, I’m so sorry.”
He didn’t move. “It’s okay.”
“I don’t regret not kissing you, even if it wasn’t the best choice.”
He chuckled, sparkles dotting the copper. “Definitely not a wise one, on both of our ends.” He then turned serious. “I plan on ending things permanently with Jade. Ever since we broke up, I haven’t even considered taking her back.”
“Let me talk to Thorne, and we’ll figure everything else out, ok?” She settled, opening her arms.
He accepted her hug, holding her tightly. Her nose pressed into the smooth skin of his neck, basking in his delicious cologne, wanting to douse herself in his scent. Neither of them moved, both dreading parting.
“I’m sorry for kissing you back.” He breathed into her hair. “And for getting worked up. I’m not mad—I’m a man of my word.”
She sighed, her lips perking to the side. “Sure.” Then, hesitating. “I really do like you, Kai. A lot. I don’t care about Jade or Thorne; I just want you.” She held onto him tighter.
“I’m all yours, Cinder.” The words were so quiet, she almost didn’t hear them. He pressed a sweet kiss on her forehead. She lost herself in the feeling.
At that moment, when they were secure in each other, the key to her dorm turned. She didn’t process the sound fast enough, too caught up in Kai’s warmth, until multiple gasps separated them.
Amongst the three who entered the room, one stood out the most. Dark blue eyes that were usually filled with mirth were now expressing shock and borderline… betrayal?
Her chest tore at the sound of his voice calling her name. “Cinder?” he called, nearly cracking with hurt.
“Thorne.”
A/N: if a guy ever says they wanted you while they were dating someone else, run. if it's kai, marry him. after watching love island, i wanted kaider to makeout so i willed them to. captlinh shippers, i'm sorry. kaiswell shippers, next week will hurt you. thank you @cinderswirecutters for beta-reading!!! i love reading all your suggestions and your comments. i appreciate you SO much. my goat. my shayla.
Tagging: @just2bubbly @cinderswrench @cindersassasin @the-wee-woo-royal @deprivedmusicaljunkie @crescentchat @wheresmymom-imlost @salt-warrior @rapunzelfromthemoon @briggycat @impossiblesuitcase @kaider-is-my-otp @definitelynotisabel @therealkaidertrash21 @cinderswirecutters @cyborgcourt @alsedoesart @asters-28 @sarabankesley @fuck-is-going-on @chronicles-rampion @gaiabythesea (i'm going to be tagging each new ch so let me know if you'd like to be added or removed <3)
