#livd

[savannahvanderniet]

From laying by the canal with Liv Berlin, 35mm film

[livd-pensees]

guernica - liv.d

a silent speech that shared history 

at first i didn't understand it

but the chaos was perceptible

just like you, a silent cry from a brush 

begging for colours on its frame

just like you, asking for happiness 

hours of study and unseen details 

i thought i knew all about what my eyes could see but i've also been taught that not everything you see is the truth

just like the blurry lines, your smile wasn't precise

the artist might have imagined the horror 

but yours was at the front door

the reality killed a kid in this city and i wonder if it was you that i was seeing 

have you ever seen your mother cry? 

even the painter's technic can't show the feeling of these nights

a panic from a fire, does your mistakes still burn your soul?

bombs were dropped and screams were heard, 

were you hoping for something more every time you dropped to your knees?

were the screams the ones your pillow tried to conceal?

the dove represents hope if i remember correctly,

i thought you're wishing for happiness

maybe i got it all wrong 

maybe all those studies won't help me comprehend every brushed blank spaces 

maybe your eyes are grey because the painting isn't finished 

a palette of colours and only one stayed

a few decades before your birthday 

but the artist already captured your memories to paint them 

as if 1937 was your favorite postal code 

it took so long to paint a chaos that lasted a few seconds

was it only one chaos? 

a few seconds are enough to bury a city

are you afraid of how long your life will be 

or is your heart already buried? 

out of sadness the artist does masterpieces, maybe your life is one of them 

don't forget that Picasso represented a symbol of hope in the middle of burning souls

maybe you'll figure out your own symbol 

so that, that smile of yours can be genuine one day.

[livd-pensees]

ne pas céder - liv.d

cette année qui s’écoule 

une impression de déjà vu s’affirme

a travers une constante redécouverte 

j’apprends à vivre 

j’apprends à connaître la stabilité 

une sensation étrangère jusque là 

j’appréhende la possibilité d’une vie

longue et libre

une multitude d’expériences 

délaissant cette corde qui continue sa descente

une descente entamée il y a déjà une quinzaine d’années 

les jours qui passent ne sont plus des corvées, les uns après les autres, je ne voulais rien lâcher 

et me voilà qui n’attend plus le lendemain, ou la fin

ces 24 heures ne sont plus une épreuves de force, sans pour autant être un jeu, je peux apprécier une pause sans espérer que tout s’arrête 

un espace temps que je n’aurai jamais cru possible

un moment où la vie n’a plus l’air si difficile

un maintenant qui me laisse si paisible 

loin de mon passé

certains diront que j’ai fuis, d’autres que je me suis sauvé

je dirai que j’ai sans doute occasionné l’éternité

il serait mensonger de dire que tout à été délaissé

un coup d’œil par dessus l’épaule et je revois tout avec netteté 

mais je ne marche plus à reculons, affranchis de mon histoire

mes doigts compriment mon poignet, chaque instant si près du rasoir

à la recherche de mon pouls déconcerté

en quête de preuves qui réconfortent cette réalité

j’avance, sujet à une foule d’entraves, je cours

je trébuche, je danse, je traine des pieds, je me dépasse

un sourire aux lèvres serait forcé, mais je n’ai plus peur de cette gaieté 

j’ai enfin brisé cette idée fourbe, que je ne pouvais pas être traumatisé si un fou rire me prenait 

et loin de moi l’illusion d’être guéri

mais mon corps et ces cicatrices ne sont plus aussi meurtris

mais je ne risquerai pas non plus de vivre au dernier étage, toutefois le vide et son faire-part se sont vu débarrasser de leur charme

je vis enfin sans attendre la possible lueur du lendemain, sans avoir à m’accrocher jusqu’au matin, puis jusqu’au midi et jusqu’au soir, la nuit où le cycle reprenait la main, m’abandonnant, me condamnant, à la tâche délicate de ne pas capituler

céder aux envies enragées de laisser ma voiture enlacer cette barricade, 

d’enchainer les cigarettes, le filtre qui s’embrase entre mes lèvres 

l’envie tenace de regarder mon sang encercler ma chevalière, 

de ne pas manger, cacher de la vodka au fond de mes tiroirs

l’inaction obstinée de s’arrêter entre 2 rails, le sauve-qui-peut s’affale

la tête sous l’eau, arrimée jusqu’à ce que mes poumons se ramassent

la berceuse qui a escorté tant de veillées ne trouve plus son besoin

cette coutume, finalement adoucie

et parfois je soupçonne qu’elle se retrouvera dégourdie 

mais ces dernières heures ne sont plus contraintes au macabre

cette promesse qui a résisté, des mots soufflés, l’audace d’une voix basse, 

un état d’urgence, un murmure en proie aux tourments

un contrôle de soi, me ressaisissant au dernier instant

« peut-être que demain sera meilleur », un refrain

« attend demain », un sauvetage 

« promets-moi » (une ballade).

[livd-pensees]

internal conversation - liv.d

i am afraid of this friendship

i don’t want to put so much weight on it that it will drown

— you don’t want your mental issues to scare her 

i know it’s not easy having a friend like me, somebody who isn’t happy 

somebody who barely have plans for the future, not sure he will be there to see it

— you don’t her to see you in pain

to hurt her by seeing me struggle

— to bear witness to how dark it can get

watching me hurt is not something the people around me always signed up for

watching me struggling to keep my head above water is not a pretty picture

— i can see you trying to control everything about yourself  — doing the best you can to entertain, counting your breaths — but you are digging your own grave

i usually don’t talk too much about myself

i am not used to being asked so many questions

— it feels weird to you because you use to have « friends » who did not care

and now i am worried, worried that i am not reciprocating as much

— you are scared this friendship will lose its balance 

i am scared she feels like she can’t tell me her own struggles

i am scared of saying something that will be too much

— you need to stop feeling like you are weighing them down — your friends are here because they chose to be

i think they did not know what they were getting into

— but this pain is not contagious 

nobody deserve to feel the way i do

— i feel like this conversation is going in circles  — like you’ve just given yourself permission to struggle alone — you are keeping this side of you hidden — and then people never have the chance to truly know you

so that they can’t be hurt by my self-destruction 

— keeping them at a distance in case…

…in case i stop holding on, in case they see blood and bruises

— but you’ve been feeling better lately

i have, but some nights aren’t pretty

some nights i am only hanging on by a thread

and i am scared of falling

— then why don’t you call someone?

they can’t help 

— how do you know? — have you ever called somebody when you are thinking of hurting yourself? — don’t you think they deserve to know, to have a chance to help  — to come and hold you until the morning comes

those nights, i only know that i am tired and in pain

and anytime i think of calling someone

— you remember that night

the fear in their eyes

— and how painful it was for them

i never want to do this to anyone again

but i felt safe yesterday, in a way i have not felt for a very long time

i felt like crying when she held me

— you should have let yourself cry

if she had held me a bit longer, i would have.

[livd-pensees]

focus - liv.d

focus

focus on the sound of the rain 

and how it hits the ground

understand how the sound changes 

and how an umbrella becomes a noisemaker 

focus on the trees with their leaves staying still until the weight is too much 

and the leaf has to bend just a little 

notice

notice how the cars' wheels have a sound 

of their own 

understand how shields don't bow

notice the beat created by the windscreen 

listen

listen to the rain dropping on the windows 

and imagine how clouds work

understand how the planes are never 

in the middle of a storm 

listen to the sewers picking up their pace 

and drowning what you left

focus

focus on how the wind is like a plane 

leading raindrops to their end

wonder if the sky is crying for help

focus on the footsteps 

and how they're heading to somewhere safe

notice

notice how everyone is running away

notice how only kids are still playing 

and then maybe you'll remember 

your childhood for a moment 

but it'll be gone after you blinked 

listen

listen to the water ruining your shoes 

or sinking down your jacket 

laugh at the people's faces when 

a drop is dripping down their spine 

and listen to me when i say 

that you aren't the one to blame

focus on the sound

focus on the nature 

notice if your heartbeat shares the same rate

notice if your music still plays 

listen for a noise you've forgotten 

listen to the rain.

[livd-pensees]

tasted the revolution - liv.d

i tasted the revolution

i’ve kissed the pavement and licked the lying lips of my bullies

i’ve smelled the fall and felt the bruises and i keep dodging any commitment 

because i’ve seen the red leaves dancing with the wind

i tasted the revolution

when my thoughts of freedom were erased by demonstrations

when she left without saying that it was over

i wanted to provoke a change when my father wrote his testament or when love became a slur 

i’ve kissed the street with bloody lips

i am still here and i’ve tasted oysters and chocolate and i savoured the way our eyes met whereas i never believed in soulmates

my ribs were bruised and my knuckles wouldn’t move but i’ve lived to tell the tale

i’ve lived to taste the chaos in my head as well as the one we call humanity

'I’ve tasted revolution in her kiss'

maybe because i’ve loved someone before loving myself

maybe because the funeral marches allowed me to kiss someone else

or maybe because getting over a revolution is senseless in history’s tales

i’ve lost and i’ve loved

i’ve bled and i’ve beaten and i’ve mostly tried to forget

revolution is an overused word that bears as much physical bagage as i carry the psychological

i don’t run in the street to fight for freedom no more, a blow to my vocal chords kept me on life support

are the millennials destroying the world or are just trying to remain in it? 

we are tasting the revolution

a revolution that uses less act of violence

the economy is suffering and the teens are committing suicide in silence

the sense of respect is at stake and people seem to hate what makes them different 

millennials are struggling to keep up with the information bc everything on line look like July 1789, holding on to rifles, starting to draw holes with our anonymity keeping us in security 

'I’ve tasted revolution in her kiss'

why did i kiss the pavement? for a cause that i can’t name

why did i bleed my knuckles? as a sign of victory

what is my mental health afraid of? my unconscious says freedom

why did i fall? for the fun of getting back up 

do i smoke for blackening my lungs? no, only to get a color-match to my brain

but even in all this chaos

i don’t forget to keep my tongue out for love 

and if that doesn’t work 

then i guess i’ll just taste the revolution.

[livd-pensees]

1893 - liv.d

screaming through my teeth like a 1893s painting

'have mercy and let me be'

the sunflowers already darkened by the ashes

she held my pain in her fingertips

like the avalanche coming towards a crowd

letting the shadow twirl like a ballerina, she moved her hand on a string

i wished to be the stage where the roses were thrown

wearing a bloodstain shirt hidden by the bouquet i held tightly

but at the end, when the curtains falls she has locked the gates

i would have loved a biography, a way to prepare myself for my death

i begged for the pain to turn into a scream that would show the consequences

that her sweet smile is as powerful as her fists 

and dancing with her is as sacred as the Jerusalem's blueprints.

[livd-pensees]

avenue - liv.d

tattooed to the ground 

fire spreading through my body

this avenue shows a numb disposition 

and i’m burning and everyone is watching

what they do not know is that i’m aching

but i look like a campfire

and i can hear everyone’s laugh as a choir

i know they didn’t mean it

and i hope they know i didn’t mean it

but fire is spreading, bruising me

and it looks like happiness is highlighting me

but they do not realise that i’m burning to ashes

i’m laughing as the light inside me remains

and i hope it could stay a bit longer

it is burning my skin into a dark blur

i guess my mind finally found some pleasure

my body’s ashes fly as the wind blew

and I am waiting for the unknowns 

i’m waiting for the flames to die by the rain’s rescue

i’m waiting for my ashes to adhere back onto my bones

i’m waiting for the darkness to burn down this avenue.