This morning, a thing out of my nightmares happened once again. My partner has a large collection of breakable collectables and my cat likes to climb, sometimes places where he shouldn’t.
I was sitting just a few feet away when I heard a heavy crash. I wheeled around to see my cat where he shouldn’t be and his victim on the floor. I’m not made at my kitty, but I was spooked. Immediately, my heart started to pound, my body started to vibrate like I’d had too much caffeine and I was numb in my knees. I could barely get over to the poor broken statue. I moved other objects out of the way, grabbed my cat and released him on the floor.
I turned on all the extra lights and collected all the pieces of the statue. I’m in full blown panic already, crying, afraid, shaking, pounding heart but I’m doing as my phsycologist said, no meds and ride the wave. It’s terrible but instead of rushing to wake my partner and tell him of the misdeeds, I went online and picked out a new statue for him to look at when he’s awake. So that I can calmly and hopefully without tears tell him about what happened.
I didn’t want him to have to clean up the mess, so I gathered it all together and then spotted the gorilla glue on his desk. Shaking still, I started to glue the statue back together, snot running from my nose, I had to keep stopping because it’s hard to see through tears and also, I glued my finger to it. Still riding the anxiety, I put it back together and back in place.
Once he’s awake, I will still explain – I’m sure he’ll appreciate my effort and I’ll have him pick out a new one as a replacement. I love my animals and hate my anxiety, I hate my OCD thoughts telling me that he’s going to blame me and that I should take responsibility before he can. That maybe he’ll leave me when he knows. Or he’ll hate my cat.
It’s a spiral of crap and I know that but I’m not feeling good, I’m depressed from losing my uncle and just all around it’s been a hard time. I rode the anxiety but failed to drown out the thoughts. I mustered up courage but am afraid of confessing. It’s the hardest thing to do but you can be in control if you push through the shaking and the pounding heart, solidify yourself and tell the anxiety to f**k itself.
