CRUSH˚࿔
CHAPTER 2: But you look so cool˚࿔
SUMMARY˚࿔ You’re fascinated with your last interaction with Ellie, you’re unable to focus just at the thought of that moment. And you want to do everything to hold onto that feeling, meanwhile, Ellie’s goal is simply survival.
CONTENT˚࿔ catholic school, church mentioned, prayers mentioned, wavering faith, slight homophobia from peers, reader is like constantly thinking about Ellie, she’s also kinda a cold bitch, cigarette smoking, alcohol usage, reader has dirty fantasies about Ellie, partying, drug dealing, Ellie lives in the trap house lmfao, mentions of ellie starving herself, paranoia,mentions of addiction, Ellie and reader do not interact this chapter, but we switch povs to both of them so it’s fine.
WORD COUNT˚࿔ 7.4K
<last chap ♡ next chap>
You still went to church, you just didn’t confess anymore.
You’d always gone under the guise that you never truly had a choice, your parents just demanded your presence and that’s where you’d go.
You’d sit in the pew with your hands folded neatly on your lap, your dress is a little longer. It had to be, it was white, flowy, and had a small lacey trim. You’d listen to the priest talk about temptation, like it’s something that just sneaks up on you.. like it isn’t something you’d, personally, walked into willingly.
The dress was uncomfortable, very much so, not only because it was something you’d never want to be in, but also the fact that the material was too.. scratchy, it made your skin crawl.
The priest's voice sounded like white noise to you, singing along to the melodies you’d memorised, something you no longer had the energy to truly live in. You could barely hear your own voice, much less anyone else’s.
Instead, you’d think about the alley, more often than you’d thought. You’d think about the smoke on your tongue, Ellie Williams’ hand steadying your waist.
You’d say the prayers, you just didn’t aim them at god anymore. Your brain moved on instincts, familiar words sliding out that were clear and practiced. But your thoughts stayed elsewhere.
You’d kneel, and you’d remembered the alley floor; the holy water didn’t look cleansing, And the priest’s voice could’ve sounded like Ellie’s rasp if you deluded yourself long enough.
If there was something sinful about it, you didn’t ask for forgiveness, you asked for repetition.
Your parents didn’t notice the difference. They never did. You still looked the same— hair done in perfect curls that take hours, clothes always perfect.. not even a crinkle, you’d still kiss your mothers cheek in the mornings, still a thank you to your father to show you’re grateful.
But something just.. shifted. You’d pay attention now, to shadows, to exits, to places that people like Ellie Williams would disappear too.
When you’d arrive outside the usual gates of the school, you’d take a glance at the people around you. Trying to spot the pale green eyes in the crowd, trying to smell if there’s smoke lingering around the corner, it’s bordering on obsessive, despite the fact you’d only spoken twice.
She wasn’t supposed to matter, and that’s the problem. She’d been so deeply ingrained now, the thought of her just excited you.
The actual halls of the school felt colder than a chilly winter night, both by the blast from the air conditioning and the fact that everyone here was, for better or worse, lacking depth.
It felt like a school of zombies sometimes, of course, there’s always a fun crowd. But their idea of fun is to skip a class or two to go to McDonald’s and then study until their limbs fell off. No partying, nothing.. truly exciting.
You’d wonder about their lives, how many of them had parents like yours, how many of them actually gave a shit about anything other than church and school. It’s something you should’ve focused on too… but you didn’t have the heart to be stuck in this torturous cycle any longer.
It’s a wonder you’d made it so long before you’d started sneaking out, meeting different people— more enticing people. How much of your life did you spend in that zombie mode? Clearly a lot. You’d barely remember it, it felt like one day you’d just got hit in the head and suddenly your entire outlook changed.
The school was filled with the slam of lockers, not too loud, not too quiet. Everyone walked together in a perfect line formation. Something that’s drilled into their heads, and yours, since the first day.
The bell started ringing, the first one, the warning. The second one always rang when class had actually started.
You moved when everyone else did, body on autopilot, still searching corners even when you’d know damn well she’d never be in these halls.
The large walls somehow suffocate, swallow you whole, despite all the room you have. Uniforms brush past, voices overlapping, someone laughed behind you.. but it didn’t sound hearty, just one that’s at the perfect place at the perfect time.
You’d dissociate through the part when your feet start to hurt a bit, you should probably get in better shape, but that sting of pain on your heel almost made you feel like you’re still a person. That you’re not trapped in a barbie box fighting for release.
And then; you heard it, a name thrown about, it made you spark back to life, slowing down your walk so you could soak up as much as possible.
“I heard that Ellie girl was hanging around our school the other day” the brunette scoffed, she’d had this sleek straightened hair that made her just look like she’s in a gossiper crowd.
Her friend, a blonde, lets out a short mocking laugh. Almost upping her fear to the point it’s painfully fake. “Didn’t she steal a car once? Like actually steal it?”
“She’s just.. trashy, like— the cops know her by name. Plus, she’s a lesbian.” The brunette whispered the last part, like the universe herself would strike her down for even uttering those words.
The words hit you harder than you expect.
Lesbian.
Somehow, that drew a small smirk out of you. If only they knew you liked girls too, you wondered how they’d react. You should’ve been more scared of that, but it fascinated you; how they hate anyone that didn’t fit in their own bubble.
You’d lived a second life for only some time now, you never felt real shame. You didn’t stop walking, don’t turn your head, you don’t even let your face change. You’d had years of practice with that.
“Figures,” the blonde muttered. “Girls like that usually always are.”
You walked faster, their voices started to blur into the background. Swallowed by the echo of the hallway— but the words stayed somewhere, lodged in your chest still, despite your lack of care.
Trashy.
Dangerous.
None of that lined up with the girl who walked you home when you could barely stand, that’s what scared you the most. You knew what kind of girl Ellie was before even meeting her.. you’d heard about it at parties. But something about hearing it in somewhere as closed off as your school makes you realise how truly far her reach is.
The only comfort to your messed up head is that; none of them are innocent. There’s no way any of them haven’t sinned, haven’t made a mistake, haven’t done something stupid. But at the same time.. you know they would never go to Ellie’s extent.
They don’t even know her, yet they judge her.. did you even know her? No, but you’re not that judgemental.
You’d paid half attention when the teacher started talking, you mostly just started doodling in your sketch book, small things. Meaningless things.
You’d always had a photographic memory, school always came easy to you because you’d understand it too quickly, everything they say is lodged somewhere in your head. But when you’d already known enough, it really did get boring.
Everyone is rigidly following the rules, some have to pay attention, others, like you, have such a good memory. But they’d actually put more of it into something. They’d wanted to learn, you didn’t.
You’d spent half the class looking out the window that reflected into the trees, the garden set up outside just to remind the general public they didn’t have this. It’s honestly cruel when you thought about it, how people dreamed of coming here yet never got the chance.
And a part of you? A small part that you’d never liked to listen to? Felt bad for that. That you had the privilege to come here and all those other kids who deserved it more— who would’ve wanted to put effort? They couldn’t.
When the teacher’s words started changing from the English assignment, to the end of the period, you’d already closed your notebook. You’d let the pencil roll across the desk. Everyone else is still absorbed, obedient, like little cogs in the machine.
You’d watched the clock, the final minutes already counting down. Hell, you still had 5 more classes, yet you just wanted to bolt out of here. The teacher just kept droning on about something you already knew. The deadline, the dates, the prompt, it didn’t matter. You could’ve recited it all backwards if someone asked. Yet it’s all just— background noise.
You’d imagined what you could be doing at night, the shadows dark and unforgiving. The high of living life to the fullest, the feeling of fulfillment. You smiled faintly.
After another boring class, lunch came around. It always felt like a waiting period, an obstacle between weariness and the next thrill. You grabbed your tray, movements deliberate and calm, and you found a quiet corner. It’s close to the back wall, nobody came here. Nobody noticed how you let the utensils clatter a little too loud.. controlled chaos.
You see Sarah, sitting with her usual group of friends. In reality— you used to be school-friends. It’s why she’d always be the excuse you used to your parents whenever they asked where you were.
She’s the priest's daughter, the definition of the innocence and casual compliance you used to die to live in. You used to admire how perfection came so naturally to her, now she’s just an alibi.
You’d only watched her for a second, out of the corner of your eye, before digging into your lunch.
Between bites, your thoughts wondered more. You replayed the alley again, the cigarette passing, the hand on your waist.. god you’d never be able to forget those hands. She was the steadiness you didn’t know you’d be craving.
You imagined her leaned against the wall, the smoke curling lazily around her, that faint smirk that tugged at the corner of her mouth.. it felt like it was just for you.
At that moment you caught a flicker of movement outside the window, it was just some girls who walked past.. talking, but it’s nothing apart from the usual chatter, nothing with depth, and it definitely wasn’t her.
You press your lips together, hiding the small disappointment that crept up your chest.
The rest of the day dragged on painfully. History is average, maths is predictable, but it’s like you couldn’t stay rooted in the ground anymore. Imagining what you could say in another life, how you’d be able to change any moral discussion into disarray, enjoying the small spike in pulse.
When the final bell rang, you didn’t rush like you desperately wanted to. You just kept your eyes peeled as you left the building, taking the longest route home. Weaving through the back alleys, crossing streets, pretending to check your phone whilst actively scanning corners.
Every shadow became a possibility, any one of them could turn into her.
Nothing.
The thrill faded slowly, leaving a small ache behind. You thought about what it would be like if you actually found her.. if her green eyes would scan you, if you could draw her in, and a simple fantasy of just being in her company turns into a desperate need for her touch.
You wanted to see what else those fingers could do, the tricks she could do with her tongue, or how her pussy would look laid bare in front of you.
Closing those dirty fantasies fast, you ran into a few girls close by. Ones with studded belts, black waterline eyeliner smudged around under their eyes. Joints dangling from their fingers that get passed around. Long nails that could cut. And you just observed before you got noticed.
“Yo, what’s a catholic school gal doing here?” One of the girls perked up, her hair was short, but she had long hoop earrings that reached her chin.
You stayed quiet for a moment, taking notice of the scene, scanning for the risk, but you quickly decided to just answer. “Lookin’ for a party.”
The other girls either scoffed, let out a giggle, or just stared at you like you’re an idiot. The same girl spoke up for the rest of them, clearly. “You? Looking for a party?”
You rolled your eyes internally, fixing your hair. “C’mon, I’m serious.”
They all turned away from you, except the short haired girl. She stared you right in the face, scanning you, probably mentally checking what kind of person you are. But you gave her a clear look, one that’s telling her to take you seriously.
“Mm.. I dunno, you seem like a snitch.” One of the girls chimed in, causing a few of them to laugh, this would be the point where most would run away.. sitting in their shame, but you’d done this before. It’s how you’d been invited to other parties.
Clearly those girls had something insignificant about them, you’d never noticed them at prior ones, they seemed like the type of girls you would’ve run into at some point.. but nothing came to mind.
At some point, you believed that they could see that. It’s the one point you weren’t entirely hiding behind your good girl image, your eyes flashed with confidence to the brim. You didn’t stutter your movements, barely reacted in the first place.
Did you truly break the barrier? No, you still stayed quiet, mostly more upset you couldn’t find Ellie than you are these girls laughing right in your face. But every move is calculated.
That’s when the black hair girl chimed in, her expression had faltered under your look, but she regained herself, caving.
“Alright, I’ll bite. Kelly’s having a party tonight, 7pm.” She smiled, smug, you questioned her intentions first, until you realized how harmless these people are.
You didn’t thank her, that would make you too eager. Instead, you got the address and committed that and the time to memory. You didn’t ask for directions, you didn’t want to look unfamiliar. You could find it yourself.
The girl watched you for another second, like she waited for you to flinch, or crack, to admit this was a joke. When you didn’t, her smile sharpened.
You hummed softly, turning around. You walked with a natural confidence. You didn’t look back to see their faces, you didn’t need to.
The walk home felt different now, shorter. Charged. Every step felt like a countdown now instead of a routine, maybe you shouldn’t have told your driver you don’t need him. But the walk gave you time to think, to plan.
The houses blurred past, all neat lawns and closed curtains. They got more and more fancy as you start approaching your gated community. There’s some crosses hanging on the windowsill.
You slipped into your role easily, keys in the door.. shoes off, kiss to your mothers cheek.
“How was school?” She asked gently, hands on your face like you’re the precious girl she knows and loves. It made you feel sick for a second.
“Fine” you said, it’s not a full lie. It was just.. fine.
Up in your room, you sat on the edge of your bed and stared at the closet door for a long moment, you hadn’t opened it yet. Just trying to mentally decide what to wear.
Slutty? Maybe, but then you’d have to change down the road, but no, you couldn’t go in some churchy attire. That would be stupid for a party, the quiet pressing in gave you more time to think about what the atmosphere could be like.
Smoke filled rooms, loud music, bodies too close, definitely outfits too short.. maybe you could just change down the road.
You’d opened your wardrobe and let your fingers trace against the different fabrics you’ve collected. Pastel colours, the ones that make adults smile approvingly.
You pushed them aside, tonight isn’t about their approval, it’s seeing how far you can go without being caught.
Part of your inspiration is, of course, Ellie. There’s no guarantee she’d be there, no proof, but something in your gut told you this is how it could happen. In steps, in small.. deliberate choices, ones that didn’t feel dangerous until you’re too far gone.
You chose a small black dress, square neck cut, slightly puffy sleeves that somehow don’t look as silly as you thought. The fat of your ass spills a bit under the dress. Somehow, it motivated you. This was definitely the one.
You changed into something lighter, simple pants and a hoodie, a cover up. A small tote bag containing the actual dress, jewelry, and accessories to add later.
You walked out of the house just as quickly as you entered, but of course, your mother stopped you at the door. A look that contained disappointment at your attempted departure.
“You’re leaving already?” She started with a saddened tone, sitting at her chair as a chef cooks dinner.
You eyed up the house, white walls filled with nothing except crosses and photos of Jesus himself. But even with how slightly welcoming the house can look, you’d rather be anywhere but here. Especially wanting to leave before your father got home.
“I’m staying at Sarah’s. She asked if I would come for a sleepover. Apparently there’s gonna be activities at the church for the youth.” You spat out, not leaving a hint of your face truly vulnerable to your real agenda, but you still put on a pout to make yourself more convincing.
Your mother looked down at her tea for a moment, her eyes shifting back to you before giving you a short nod. “See you tomorrow then.”
You barely let her words finish before shutting the door behind you, heading back down the road. The air seemed to have started getting colder as you continued forward, as the bright day grew into a chilly sunset.
You walked all the way back into town, checking Maps on your phone to get an idea of where the party is, one look only, you could figure the rest out.
You noticed the shift between your part of town versus the other part, it had a different energy. Especially when it gets to the more stingy parts, where people are littering the streets, smoking, and chatting so loud your ears could ring.
As the slow walk continued, you slipped into a small bathroom, it's gross. Ridden with asbestos and the walls are stained with dirt and graffiti, it’s not the ideal place of choice, but it wouldn’t take you too long to get ready.
You made sure to lock the door behind you, not wanting to take that level of risk, being in this bathroom is risk enough.
The mirror was slightly smudged with dirt.. or something. Making it hard to actually even see yourself clearly, it’s genuinely concerning that you’d had to go to this length… but at least you’d look good.
Throwing on the dress, a pearl necklace, a lace bow on the back of your head, and fishnet tights with Mary Jane’s. Simple, cute, gets people looking.
The changing process took you a while, the clip of your necklace making you go cross eyed and frustrated, the fishnets constantly getting caught, the bow not positioning right, but you got the hang of it eventually. Slipping into a more peaceful mood when everything ties together.
You didn’t do much makeup, just some mascara and lip gloss before stuffing the original clothes back in your bag. Some girls walked in, heading right to the bathrooms, you couldn’t tell if they’re using it for the intended purposes or up to something else.
But you did what you had to, which was ignore it. Walk out, and continue the head to the party.
The newfound outfit draws more attention, some purposeful from disgusting men who’d whistle in your direction, in turn making you flip them the bird despite the fact you shouldn’t do it to the wrong angry dude.
Others? You didn’t notice, you didn’t want to look at anybody else right now. Carrying on, the tote bag definitely ruins a bit of your outfit. But you could’ve probably dumped it somewhere, there’s nothing truly important.
You arrived a bit later than 7, getting distracted by some of the shops you passed by, sometimes too focused on analysing the people around you, always assessing the risk, if they’re doing something that would interest you, or if you should walk away. It’s only ever been the activities that could draw your eye, never the people.
You hadn’t known what it was like to be drawn in by someone before Ellie, and being under the guise of her potential to be there makes you feel a bit better about your style choices.
You’d hoped, even truly prayed for her to turn up.
The house was already beaming with lights when you’d approached, the bright LED’s already tripping out the windows. It's not some fancy big house, it’s something small, not exactly secluded, but somewhere you’d want to be after such a boring day.
Despite having that faith that there would be a party, you did almost question it for a second during that long walk, that there’s always the chance the girls lied to you. But turns out, they didn’t.
There’s a small set of steps that lead up, just as your shoes clicked against the stone some future frat boys almost knocked you off your rhythm, you held onto the railing with something sharp in your eyes, a real reaction. Something you could have around these strangers.
The guys gave you some mock sympathetic look before laughing and heading inside, but you stood for a minute. If you were a different person, someone more free, what would you do? Pick a fight maybe? Throw a fit? It’s nice to imagine what that would be like, to truly let it all out.
But you breathed in, out, gripping the railing a bit tighter until your knuckles turned a concerning shade of white, and kept walking ahead. Trying to keep on living, because places like this is where you get the chance.
Once you finally reached the door, you didn’t knock like you would with anyone else, no polite smiles asking for entry. You walked right in, the flashing lights and chatter immediately overfilling your senses.
It was overwhelming at first, making your way through the crowd of people. Your one goal? Find out who’s stupid enough to leave alcohol unattended. It’s not the safest way to drink, in fact, far from it. But you couldn’t go buy any yourself so— girl has to find her ways.
Your chest felt like it was rattling with every beat drop, like your whole body was shaking as you’d approached the kitchen countertop, the bass beating through the floorboards like it’s some second heartbeat.
The smell of sweat and cheap perfume continued to cling to the air, paired with smoke that almost looked heavenly under the bright lights.
Like a blessing, you found an unattended bottle of vodka. It was half empty, in fact, probably a quarter of the way full. You just took it, not bothering if anyone saw you.
You took a sip, it’s harsh, like hand sanitizer. You almost spat it right back out, it’s horrid without a mixer, yet, you drink it. Because it’s free and also all you got.
You’d let it sit there, the warmth filling up your gut and making you feel almost loose. You’d stand there against a wall, heavy and useless.
That’s like everything tonight, worthless, what a pitiful day. And in a second reaction you do what you’d always do at the boring ones. You drift.
You caught fragments instead of proper conversations, laughs that stopped too fast, couples arguing in the corner like their entire relationship was on the line, it probably was; what would you know?
Eyes slid over you with curiosity, it felt shallow, weightless. You kept scanning the room for a face you wanted to recognise, but you hadn’t seen her yet.
A girl bumped into you and apologized without even looking at you, another smiled at you like she was deciding if she’s gonna flirt, but then got distracted by someone louder. Some guy leaned in too close at some point, his breath sour with alcohol, saying something you didn’t bother sticking around for— you walked away pretty fast, giving him the most disgusted look you’d ever pulled in your life.
It’s all fine, no, it’s all nothing actually. It didn’t hit the way you wanted it to, not the second shot, nor the third.
The thrill you’d imagined, the chaos, the edge, the excitement of living.. things you’d experienced at other ragers just aren't happening here. It’s not arriving, and you could tell it won’t be anytime soon.
A stranger turned the music up louder, another spilled a drink on the floor, your phone buzzed in your bag yet you ignored it. Time blurs, stretches, and you barely even realise how long you’d been here.
You realised, suddenly and clearly, once you’d finally regained actual autonomy and a sudden awareness that you’re actually a person, that Ellie wasn’t coming.
The thought settled in your chest, it wasn’t sadness, it was irritation. You’d dressed up for the wrong occasion.
You stayed a little longer, started walking around a bit to see if she’s just hiding somewhere, but there wasn’t a trace.
You slipped out without anyone noticing after that, you didn't say goodbye; you didn’t know anyone here to say goodbye to, honestly.
The night air was way colder than you expected, the heat of bodies pressed against each other is something you sorely underestimated as the temperature just kept dropping. It definitely was not good with how tiny your outfit was.
The streets were quieter except for the muffled sound of the party noise. Your shoes clicked softly against the pavement as you kept walking, your feet taking you somewhere familiar. Muscle memory, instincts, the alley is only a few streets away. Tucked between closed shops and brick walls.
The further you walked, the more certain you became. Stupidly hopeful, hoping to find her and make up for this god awful night, a waste of a day, Completely and utterly lame.
You rounded the corner.. nothing.
The alley was empty, no smoke. No voice. No figure leaning against the wall like she owned the place, just damp concrete and the smell of trash.
You stood there longer than you should’ve, bag hanging off your shoulder. Your heart was still beating for no good reason, the sound strange and embarrassing. You built your entire night over a girl you barely knew, a girl who definitely was not even thinking about you.
You hated wasting effort.
That should bother you more than it did. Instead— the pain settled deeper. Low, persistent, not disappointment. It was want.
The wall felt like a sick memory, you walked up to it, pressed your fingertips to the bricks, you told yourself you weren't waiting.. This didn’t mean anything.
But as you turned to leave, something curled inside your chest— quiet, and very far from satisfied.
Whatever this is? It’s not over.
Ellie wasn’t one to be stupid, she didn’t have the luxury to make an unfortunate mistake, she didn’t have the luxury that you seemingly have.
After she met you that day it’s like she couldn’t seem to get you out of her head. The second she left you standing there, just barely hidden away from your peers, in that small hole in the wall, you hadn’t strayed far from her mind.
Her routine had always been chaotic, but familiar. Starting off the day she’d wake up, her mattress on the floor somehow felt more comfortable than a bedframe would, if that’s actually possible, her hand already shaking from the lack of nicotine.
Jesse would always be gone before she’d gotten up, he was more of an insomniac than her— all those years and she’d think she’d know to get up earlier by now, either way, she’d check her phone, figure out what’s going on, and then light up a smoke.
Her morning is spent at the slightly cracked window, sitting on the beat up couch in only sweatpants and a sports bra. There’s duct tape covering up the smashed glass, and outside is just another gloomy scene.
Trash littered along the sidewalks, people walking with their heads down to try and not accidentally make eye contact with danger, and they’re right to do so; it shows good instincts, something a lot of people lack. But it was always a bit ironic to see how people who are all cut from similar cloths feel fear at the idea of each other. One wrong move? And someone’s stronger.
The smoke filled Ellie’s lungs, bitter, harsh, a sensation she’s developed a normalcy for, the sound of loud police sirens in the distance reminds her she has things to do, that life doesn’t stop moving no matter how badly she wanted it to.
Unable to stomach the thought of breakfast, she started getting ready for the day. Finding a hoodie on the floor that doesn’t entirely reek, throwing it on lazily. Stuffing her pockets with some baggies, and a piece under her waistline.
Walking the streets is different to just looking outside the window, watching it? You’re just a bystander to the surroundings, living it? Everything could be interpreted as a threat.
She never lingered because that gets you noticed. It gets you remembered, and too many people know her face by now.. it’s protection in itself, but you never knew who could be in the shadows, who could be waiting for the right moment to prepare for your downfall.
Her hoodie got pulled tighter as she cuts down the street, her eyes never stay on anything for too long. Every person she can see in their respective windows? She mentally checked. Every car that slows down? Gets cataloged.
It gets exhausting at times, she could admit. She dreams of her life back when things were easier— but one little slip up cost her the teenage years she was robbed, and costed her the safety of being able to exist anywhere.
But she’s accepted it, because what else could she do? She didn’t have the choice to go back anymore, the goal now is just to survive.
By mid afternoon, she was two cigarettes in and already completely done with the bullshit fuckers she has to deal with. She’s running on the empty stomach of a lifetime, nothing but adrenaline and nicotine.
It started with a quick stop at a mate’s place, a short exchange that was barely even a conversation looking back on it, cash exchanged, no names, not a lot of eye contact unless it really felt necessary.
Easy job, that’s all it’s supposed to be. Drop off some supply, collect cash, you’d think that would be it.
Wrong, it never is, of course it fucking isn’t.
Someone’s twitchy, someone’s sweating too much, pretty much dying for their fixes. Another was just glancing down the streets like they expected the blue and red lights to just bloom out of nowhere, and honestly? They usually do around these parts. And on pure instincts, Ellie clocked it instantly— the familiar prickle under her skin telling her to leave now.
She left, of course, because that’s the thing about surviving doing what she does; you can’t just sit and wait, or you’re a duck.
She circles down different alleys, avoiding the eyes of the strangers that sit there, some in groups, some homeless sitting at their unfortunate homes. She doesn’t linger on the fact that was once her; she never feels like she has the time to mourn those days.
Somehow, during her venture around the back alleys, her mind drifted back to you. She thinks about how drunk you were— it’s stupid how out of place you looked, your eyes shone with something that screamed ‘trouble’. Your voice was somehow soft, you looked too clean to be around her area.
People like you, just wander into places like this when they’re just ‘bored’. They think they’re brave, and then they get burned like the end of a cigarette butt. As a result? They go back to their quiet lives with a story to tell.
Usually, she doesn’t let anyone invade her thoughts this much, but you’re like a virus that she can’t seem to shake. It’s something about how detached you were.. how you weren’t genuinely afraid; you looked right past her.
Just as she had made her way back onto the main streets, her phone buzzed with a message, this time, Jesse.
“Don’t be dumb tn. Cops everywhere.”
She scoffed reading it, she didn’t need the warning, she had already felt the shift in energy today.
“Yh, alr getting the vibes.”
She pockets her phone and keeps walking after the text, it doesn’t take the biggest guess on where she has to go. Her feet move before her brain, she knows her way around this city like she’s google maps herself.
The meetup spot. It’s a laundromat that hasn’t worked in years; busted windows, machines completely gutted, it’s somewhere nobody really looks twice considering how run down it’s become over the years. Mostly because, well, there’s nothing left to steal.
She didn’t need to be told to go, the second cops get mentioned there’s always some form of specific meetup. Game plans become more complicated, they usually do trail these parts; but some random days, they decide to specifically target the area.
Jesse’s already there, leaning against a pillar with his arms crossed. Two others hover nearby, all three hidden under the shadows, away from any visible sunlight.
Riley’s pacing already, which is never a good sign. Whilst Dina is tapping her foot against the ground in a rhythmic way. Like the beat in her head is gonna distract her.
“You’re late” Jesse said the second he spotted Ellie’s figure.
“You texted five minutes ago.” She shrugged, scoffing. Not entirely meeting his eyes, they’re roommates, sure, but that’s sometimes more out of convinance— to keep each other from sleeping on brick.
“Yeah, and shits already gone sideways.”
That gets her attention, she can feel her face twisting, almost like she can feel her 3rd person reaction without even seeing herself.
She flicks her lighter open, lighting up another cigarette between her teeth. Sensing she’s gonna have to pregame her stress. “Talk.”
“Kelly’s place is packed tonight. Like.. packed packed, half the town, easy.”
Ellie exhales smoke. “And?”
“And there’s product there.” Riley continues. “Someone’s moving way more than they should be, and they’re being sloppy about it.”
Ellie almost bit down on her cigarette filter, sloppy means cops, cops means someone panics, and that means people get hurt.
Jesse finally looks at her. “We’re not going inside, we wait. We watch. If shit turns, we pull out.”
Riley scoffs, giving him a side glance that could kill if she really willed it to, the girl probably could. “You always say that.”
“And you always fuck it up.” Jesse shoots back, meeting her glare with a sharp one of his own.
Ellie stays quiet, her eyes tracking the street instead, a car slows.. then keeps moving.
“Apparently some rich kids are gonna be there too, pretending they’re hard. Sucks if we can't go inside, our clientele would be crazier.” Riley chimes in, almost amused.
“Nah, we’re sticking to our regulars, don’t even.” Dina finally opens her mouth, most of her time here has been spent just observing everything, she’s always been more of the chatty type; so it’s clear she’s getting stressed before anything has even started.
“I agree, not our problem” Ellie chimed in, she said it quickly— too quickly, even she caught it. And she can almost feel the smack to her head from the mental facepalm.
Jesse’s gaze switched back to Ellie, like he clocked her tone just as fast as the words left her mouth. “You sure about that?”
Ellie meets his gaze, holding it. “I’m dealing how I deal.”
Riley laughs, a mix between genuine amusement and some level of fakeness too. “Good, ‘cause I saw you walkin’ home some expensive chick the other night, very classy, Williams”
“You saw wrong.” Ellie said, her lips wrapping around the cigarette to inhale, her eyes darting all around instead of directly at anyone, always scanning.
Jesse nods after a beat of silence, like he’s letting it go— he’s not. “Fine. We stick to the plan, no detours, no hero shit.”
Ellie lets out her final breath of smoke, crushing the cigarette under her boot. “Yep.”
It’s a short quick response, everyone giving each other a little nod before taking their leaves. Jesse takes the back way; not bothering to stick around, Ellie leaves right after him, not bothering to watch how Dina and Riley got out of there. It’s unnecessary.
The more time she spends outside, the more money she makes. And that’s always the end goal; there’s no winning if she can’t make ends meet, there’s nothing to fall back on if she fucks up and gets caught by the cops again. She’d be completely— and utterly— fucked.
She knows they’re onto her, they’ve always been. Ever since her first couple arrests they all want to catch her fucking up one more time, they want her behind those bars so badly that it would be terrifying to most— others would straighten up at the thought, try and get their life more in order, but nothing pays as well as dealing.
The different locations, the different addicts, her feet almost burn from all the walking she’s done all day. Screw Jesse for taking the car.
All the clients have one thing in common, they need her, because they need her drugs. And she’s in no place to deny any of them— no matter how hard it is with them sometimes.
The party started at 7pm, simple enough, it’s close by; but it’s a distance she doesn’t want to walk. So she texted Jesse asking for a ride, worked anyway, they’re going to the exact same place.
Parties are important, because the people there are drunk enough to pay for any drug. Especially if the rich ones are gonna be there, they always know how to pay good.
She’s always hated parties, but she loves the money.
Jesse’s car rolls up a minute or so later, his headlights cutting through the street like a warning. She doesn’t wave him down; she never does. She just steps off the curb and yanks the passenger door open like it personally offended her in some way.
“Jesus” Jesse muttered as she slid in fast enough for the seat to barely creak. “You trying to get seen?”
“Drive.” She snaps, tugging the hood further over her head.
The car smells like stale coffee, cigarette smoke, and a tiny hint of weed. Her forearms rest on her thighs, fingers flexing over the jeans whilst she takes a breath. Jesse glances once; mostly keeping his eyes on the road.
“You good?” He asks.
“Define good.”
He huffs a laugh, not even sparing her a glance. “Cops rolled past fourth twice already, marked and unmarked.”
“Yeah, I noticed.” Is all she says, still taking a moment to look out the windows and spot for anything that could be dangerous.
The car ride is quiet, silence becoming heavy but somewhat familiar. The city slipping by with the bright lights barely acknowledged at the speed Jesse’s going. There’s all kinds of people cluttered on the corners, she’s almost able to hear an argument between some prostitutes through the closed window.
Jesse drives fast, but careful. It’s not flashy, it’s the kind of speed that gets you places but doesn’t get you caught, something known purely by experience.
“You don’t gotta go in,” he says after a moment. “We can circle. See how it feels.”
Ellie scoffs quietly. “I’m not bailing.”
“I didn’t say bail,” he replies, a little sharper now. “I said think.”
She turns her head just enough to look at him. “I am thinking.”
“That’s what worries me.”
He earns himself a middle finger for that, which he ignores.
They stop at a red light. A group of kids cross in front of the car, already drunk, laughing too loud, one of them stumbling into another. And she just watches them, analysing if they’ll do something stupid.
“Riley said rich kids,” Jesse says. “That usually means sloppy. Phones out. People staring.”
“Then we keep it tight,” Ellie answers. “No inside shit. Garden, side of the house, backyard, anywhere with a quick exit”
“And if it goes sideways?”
“It won’t.”
Jesse exhales through his nose. “You always say that.”
She doesn’t respond. The light turns green.
A few blocks later, Jesse glances at her again, longer this time. “You’re distracted.”
Ellie’s jaw tightens. “I’m tired.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
She shifts in her seat, knee bouncing once before she forces it still. “Drop it.”
Jesse doesn’t push, but his tone softens anyway. “Just don’t be dumb tonight.”
Ellie almost laughs at that. Almost.
Jesse parked on the corner, just within a short distance of the party, the engine fading as he took the keys out. There’s a quick glance between them, something that’s similar to an acknowledgement of the bullshit that’s about to happen.
“If you see anything weird, text. No hero shit.” His words are final, like he’s scolding a kid. He’s had more experience than her and suddenly he’s her mentor.
She just nodded once, holding her tongue. “Yep.”
When she arrives, her hoodie is up and she’s already moving, near the garden first, maybe a shift to the side of the house, maybe the backyard. Not lingering near doorways, especially not lingering too out in the open.
Drunk kids are easy; they lean too close, they talk too loud, and they all think they’re fucking invincible. She lets them come to her.
A hand brushes her sleeve, a kid she knows well by now. “You got anything?” Is all he asks.
Ellie doesn’t answer right away, looking him over. His pupils are already blown, his jaws already tight which probably means he’s grinding his teeth, safe enough to deal to.
She nods once, then moves. The transactions are always quick and quiet, with the cash folded sloppily in her palm and the baggies gone before anyone can think to look. She keeps her back to the walls and the exits in sight, making sure it’s all private keeps her head clear.
This is what she’s good at, still— her eyes lift, scanning the crowd without meaning to. Just once. Just enough to analyse the surroundings, and just enough for her eyes to land on someone she prayed not to see.
You.
She hid herself a bit, remaining as far back into the shadows as she could, moving back until the bushes themselves had to move to fit her body. It wasn’t fear, that wasn’t the problem, you're nothing if not a baby doe with your facecard. But it’s like your presence itself makes her stupid.
Of course you’d be here, but it’s a bit early into the party that you’d decided to leave, at least, for how it seemed to be progressing. She could notice the hint of stress in your eyes, but it’s not the kind that riddles with escape, it’s the kind that’s cold; that expected more.
She watched as you walk down the short stairs, how your dress clung to your body in the most intoxicating way, it’s too short, short enough for her to check you out for a second.
You looked good— too good, enough for it to be a problem. And there’s a small part of her that she won’t accept that just wants to go over and stand by your side, wants to walk you home again, wants to figure you out.
She’d cut that thought off though, can’t bear to stare any longer, because she doesn’t want any loser approaching her to follow her gaze, for them to notice the thing about you that makes her feel like she’s losing common sense.
You hadn’t even interacted that much, it was barely anything, that day was probably nothing to you just as it should’ve been nothing to her.
She forced her eyes away, back to exchanging hands, exchanging cash, passing baggies, everything she’s required to do to keep herself afloat.
To keep her alive.
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