Relationship advice from the unqualified
The longer title for this post should be: "Navigating the waters of "Us" when it's no longer about "Me".
So Colin and I have been together for about 5 months now. It actually feels longer than 5 months because we've had so many Defining The Relationship (DTR) talks in this 5–6 months (even before we got together) alone.
For most couples where at least one half has significant baggage, it can be a trying time navigating these waters because of the memories/hurt you've come to associate with certain actions/disappointments/blah blah blah.
So this post isn't for those of you who've managed to make it this far in life having obediently followed all the good Christian advice you've received from the pulpit, your leaders, Relevant magazine articles, this blog that Colin has been reading and books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Good on you that you did, but I certainly did not.
When Colin appeared in my life last year, at a time where I wasn't even looking, I had asked God, hesitant and cynical, 'Are you sure I'm ready to go through this all over again?" My adorable boyfriend had wandered cluelessly into my life (or at least, I was clueless to his interest) at a time where I was just getting very comfortable with singlehood, being alone and spending most of my free time with Jesus because I had turned into an anti-social hermit who stopped investing time and energy in friends. I guess God looked down from heaven and said, 'It is not good for this one to be alone, lest she turn into a crazy cat lady.' And so He sent Colin.
For context, the story of my life up till I met him went like this: My 4-year relationship with my first boyfriend had ended very uglily at the close of 2010, which sent my whole Christian "I'm going to marry my first boyfriend" world crashing down on me. I spent 2011 hurting and turning into a bitter ghost of my former self, trying to hold the pieces of me together while everyone else thought 'Oh Lizzy is strong, she'll be okay'. I just withered in un-okay-ness. Towards the end of 2011 I wandered into yet another unwise relationship with someone who did not know God, was not the least bit interested to know Him, and also had anger management issues and displayed bipolar tendencies. To put it mildly, it was a very painful year. To top that off, I had a delicately complex relationship with a dear friend whom I can only classify as – "almost-but-did-not-happen" – and we danced around the mess that we had created for 5 years till I'd finally apologized and put a more permanent lid on our non-status in early 2013.
Yes, this is coming from the girl who was born into a Christian home, grew up in church and whom everyone thinks just makes holy-inspired typography all day.
So to my first boyfriend, if you ever read this, I've been wanting to find the chance to say this but since we're still busy pretending we don't know each other exists whenever our paths cross in church – I forgive you. Even if you don't think you did anything wrong, I forgive you. And I'm genuinely happy for you and wish you all the very best in life. We were young and thought we knew everything. But we were 17 when we first got together and knew nothing. Now that we are older and wiser, and with people who are obviously, far more suited to the lives that the Lord has planned for us than we ever were for each other, I thank the Lord for his divine intervention because He loves us more than we love ourselves.
But as I've told Colin (who is very much aware of the mess my life was before he walked in, and bless his soul because I am his first girlfriend), if not for these three people and the lessons I'd walked out of those seasons with, I probably would not be able to approach our relationship now with the same degree of patience, forgiveness and attitude to want to work things out as I do today.
So in brief, here are some of the lessons I've brought into this relationship that I'll just like to share. Like I said, I am unqualified to give this. (I know you're thinking like 'girl, you've been attached five months and you want to talk to me about relationships?') Haven't been married 50 years or even married, but since my journey has given me the painful lesson of hindsight, it won't hurt to share it.
1. Girls, that "life partner list" you hold, it's gotta go.
Every girl has one. Christian girls have more things on that list than some of our other friends combined. But we have a list. It often includes words like "tall, attractive, financially stable, generous, kind, loves animals, loves his parents, will love my parents, loves God, reads the Bible, serves in church, patient, understanding, forgiving, preferably doesn't watch soccer" and so on.
But there's only a few things he needs to have when you meet him, while the rest, you can help him with later if he possesses these qualities – good financial stewardship (if he doesn't know how to save and manage his money, he ain't ready and it will fall on you someday), teachability (he may not be all polished like Benedict Cumberbatch but it's better to have someone who's willing to be moulded than to have Mr Hotshot who never thinks he's wrong or can never stand being corrected) and lovingkindness (in the Bible, hesed, or "a faithful kind of love / persistent and unconditional tenderness, kindness, and mercy", which means to say, faithfulness to commit to you through the good and bad and not bolt when things get difficult or you get older and wrinklier).
Many girls I know consciously or unconsciously judge guys through their 'life partner lens' and don't give themselves (or potential partners) a chance at all to even get to know each other. On that note, I do think Christian girls could relax a little bit in the getting-to-know-the-other-person category. It's a date. It's for you to get to know him. You don't have to marry him because you went on a date.
2. Fix it, not throw it away.
We are part of a generation where instant gratification is easily attainable. You can reset a game when it's not going the way you want it to. You buy new clothes. New bags. New everything to replace your old anythings when they no longer satisfy you. We are used to throwing things away. But coming back to this famous quote floating around the Internetz that I can't quite properly credit: A reporter asked an old couple, "How did you manage to stay together for 65 years?" The woman replied, "We were born in a time when if something was broken, we would FIX it, not throw it away..."
Many of us are constantly looking for the best, which never turns out to be good enough. The next best phone, next best tablet, next best tech gadget that us Singaporeans chase with such hungry ferocity.
Likewise in your relationship, if you are always looking for a "best one", you're always, always, always going to be able to find reasons to justify why he's not good enough. Simply because he can never be and was never meant to be your main source of satisfaction. You were created to be satisfied by the Lord's love. And anything we can give as human companions are great but never enough. If you look to your man to fill your cup, you will come out disappointed. You will drain him dry and wonder why he doesn't satisfy.
But if you take the position and understand that your man will never be able to fully satisfy you because you were meant to be satisfied by the love of God, you will be able to do these two things, which will be great for you and your relationship:
Firstly, it gives you grace to continue loving your man when he disappoints you because you are not looking at him to be the 'be-all-and-end-all' of your happiness.
Secondly, it frees you to love him for him, not for what he can potentially be or might eventually become. It gives you grace to affirm him and remind him, when he has failed you, to draw strength from the Lord and not expect himself to be able to be sufficient for you. This is important because if you always treat him like he has to be the one who has to tank everything (or basically become Jesus), he will eventually give up because he can try all he wants and he will still never be able to satisfy your need for love/affirmation/security/etc. But when you remind him that he can love you only because the Lord loves him, supplies him, and has more than enough to give to him so that he can give to you, then you empower your man to be able to love you freely because he knows his supply of love is from the Lord and not for himself to wring out of his own limited hands and heart.
3. It's about "US" not about "me".
The other thing those of us growing up in this generation need to come to terms with is our false sense of entitlement. Our parents grew up with 6, 7, 8 siblings. We grow up with ourselves, or at most 1 or 2 other people to fight with. Our parents knew the value of sharing in a generation when money was little and resources were scarce. They knew about shared responsibility and how their own actions and decisions affected others. Basically, they learned when and how to be unselfish.
A relationship is about learning how to navigate a lifetime of companionship together, not about two people with two very different lifestyles trying to find another person whose lifestyle will somehow perfectly complement yours like a jigsaw puzzle. You can't expect to waltz into a relationship with everything you are and expect that the other person is going to conform to all the habits and expectations of your single lifestyle. There will be give and take, and compromises you make because you have chosen to take this journey together with this other person.
This happens everyday for Colin and I in several areas. One of which is food. I like food, kinda anyway. But I'm a boring food person. I find something I like, I eat it, forever. But my boyfriend, he loves food. And constantly needs to try different kinds of food. And specific types of food to boot. He and I aren't exactly food buddies. He likes Mexican food, burgers, eggs benedict and all manner of rich food. I like ramen... blanched vegetables... and ban mian. You can see where is going. As a mainly functional food type of person I can eat the same thing (if I like it) almost every day. A concept so bizarre to Colin he once wondered aloud why do the laws of diminishing returns not work on me. So yes. Compromises are often had. Although I cannot for the life of me understand the need to travel to obscure corners of the country to food hunt, I do so because it is important to him.
This may be a shallow example but it applies to everything: Who you spend time with as a couple, time spent without each other with your own respective friends, time spent in ministry, how much time to spend with each other's families, etc. It's all things that have to be brought to the discussion table (more DTR talks!) and both parties have to talk about it objectively for the progress of us and not for the convenience of me.
4. Be ready and willing to have open conversations.
Now this is probably one of the biggest lessons I've learned about relationships by the time Colin came into my life. Previously (on hindsight I do pity the guys I've dated on this point), I would just fly into female rage (or go completely cold), wail that he did not understand, and not give the poor guy any handles to help him understand what on earth I was actually upset about, beyond the dramatic tearful fits. I would make general sweeping statements ("You don't care / You're always like that / You don't understand / Forget it") and men, I mean, bless their souls, they are really bad at figuring out why you're upset if you don't spell it out for them. They can guess and guess forever, and when they've finally trawled through their badly archived memories of anything they could have done to make you mad, they will come to a conclusion that is almost always wrong/has nothing to do with the actual reason you were upset with them in the first place (which then, of course, makes you even more upset). When possible, be kind. Our male friends simply do not comprehend the world, interpret emotions and draw conclusions the same way we do. They are just not built that way. Most of them, anyway. And they do need help. Preferably from a sane, rational, willing to negotiate and discuss female.
Being a highly emotional female (further complicated by the fact that I'm female and creative, so that's a lot of emotions to wade through), it doesn't mean that I don't get upset anymore or not want to fly into a rage/go completely cold, because I still have the propensity and disposition to. BUT, I AM LEARNING... to take some time to cool down and then go to Colin, and tell him in a language a guy can understand, why I was upset. Instead of saying things like "You don't care", I would take the time to calm down, talk to the Lord, and form sentences like "When you do _______, it makes me feel _________, which then makes me feel like it's not important to you when it means a lot to me."
And if your guy is worth his grain of salt, is teachable and had hesed and all that, he will genuinely appreciate that you are taking the extra step to help him understand why you're being upset and he will want to do everything he can to right the wrong – but first he needs to understand what was wrong. And that's difficult for us as women to do but it helps, so much, to come to the table of discussion with that level of maturity and sanity.
I have also learned to choose my battles. Don't fight every single battle and end up losing the war (your relationship) because you're so busy nitpicking at everything he does. I have come to a place where before I choose to voice my irritation about anything, I will take a second or third thought about whether this needs to be said, and most importantly, does it have to be said now.
To avoid ineffective, emotionally charged confrontations is the reason that if I can wait to talk about it, I will. As a girl, it is IMPOSSIBLY difficult to keep your mouth shut when someone triggers something that makes you emotionally distraught or annoyed. But I do not want to confront the issue when I am emotional. Because if I do, I will placing my demand on him again, and not the Christ in him. By pointing out his faults when I am emotional, I will not be in a position of grace to remind him that despite his flaws, he has a God who is more than enough for him even when he fails. Instead, all he will hear is: You are not good enough, and no matter how hard you try you will not be good enough.
This leads me to my 5th point... (I wanted to end on 4 but because we are so GRACED hor so I must end with 5.)
5. Jesus be the center is not just a catchy song title but THE way to live your life and the key to a relationship that is mutually fulfilling.
As mentioned above, it is very easy in a relationship to want to place our demands on each other, and to make it very clearly known to the other person when we are disappointed with them. And there are times I'm so dry or emotionally wrought by other things going on at work/family that I have absolutely no reserves left in my love tank (that can only be filled with God's love) to be kind, patient, or exercise point 4 above with Colin.
Which is why it is important that individually, in a relationship, both your love tanks must be first filled with a constant revelation of the Lord's love for you. So that in the times when your partner is dry, you have enough in your love tank to remind your man/woman that the Lord will always be enough. If not, this will lead to a downward spiral of demand and demand (aka both not enough supply), a situation that Colin and I know firsthand.
When one person is dry, the other person doesn't have enough to love, which leads the first person to feel unloved, go cold, and then the other party feels unloved... and so on. You end up with two frustrated people, neither of whom feel loved by each other, and the only way to intervene is to stop, have a good talk, and start reminding each other again that it is only the LORD's love that can ever be enough to satisfy our insatiable need for affection and affirmation.
When our demand is on each other, there will always be disappointment. But when your demand is on the Lord IN them, it reminds them that it is not their own strength who will lift you up, but it is the Lord who will lift BOTH of you up.
As John Eldredge writes in "Love & War" – I don't know know how couples without Jesus do it, but I can't imagine doing this without Jesus.
And I know there is no way I can exercise anything from point 1–5 above if I do not keep myself constantly rooted in the Lord's love for me. We can only have grace for others when we have received grace ourselves. We love because He first loved us.
And that's just a little bit of advice from someone unqualified. Hope it helps some of you out there too. :)
