#lm writes

[agentemo]

i’ve been wanting to find a way to do this that will get me the least amount of hate and i’ve come to the conclusion that yeah what is there to hate i don’t even care i just need to vent

IF YOU ARE WHITE <3 and this is somehow upsetting grow up ily uwu

if you like the ‘inclusive’ new rainbow flag hey i’m sorry let’s agree to disagree i kinda hate it here we go

fuck all the little white bitches that are living in my hood

i know the ones on my block all go to NYU i hate that they’re here smoking cigarettes outside a deli at midnight talking with their weird white accents i hate that they’re the foot in the door of gentrification that’s already turned viable real estate across some of the worst fucking public housing into million dollar condos i hate how i’m seeing rainbow flags more especially that fucking flag that makes me feel like hey we didn’t care about you trans person of color until we decided to include you in this fugly rendition of something designed to be inclusive in the fucking first place i hate that more gays means less poc i hate seeing severe poverty all around me and it mostly being black people i hate seeing the future all around me and it mostly being rich and or white people i hate not being able to recognize the place that i grew up anymore even if i hate it even if i want to leave and never look back even if it objectively subjectively metaphysically and psychically sucks the best thing about this shitty place was the people and we built it up as best we could and it’s been bought up by these fucking gringos i hate that i have never had a home and the closest thing to it is vanishing because it was cheap to sell unfinished

[agentemo]

oh we talkin bout hesitant alien good good cool cool let’s talk about coming out to gerard way like a fuckin weirdo (me)

i was 21 and i had Just figured out that my gender had been transed in some way and i listened to hesitant alien on repeat for weeks and at the show gerard made that speech for the trans folk that fucks me up to this day

i had never really done the ‘wait at the venue until the artist comes out’ thing but i made new friends and we hung out and when half the crowd dispersed, security came out and informed us of Teh Rules: venue staff said no photos, no hugs, and gerard signs one thing. he did not listen to these rules lol so we knew we didn’t have to either.

i was one of the last people to meet him. it was kind of surreal, watching my friend talk to him. it was even more surreal when i walked up to him and he immediately pulled me into a hug. he signed everything i had on me.

i told him how much i appreciated the speech he did for the trans and nonbinary people in the crowd, being a newly bred trans myself. when i was figuring out i was bi in middle school, i had the black parade. when i was figuring out i was enby in college, i had hesitant alien. gerard told me how he’d been reading books about being trans on the tour bus... i know i don’t know the dude, but i felt so connected to him in that moment. it was so sincere, it was almost jarring; he was very Serious about it, like it was his Duty to understand it all and he clearly fucking cared that it mattered to me. we were both just navigating this brave new world where gender has a question mark next to it and most people know it now. months later, he would be more vocal about his personal gender journey and it was so freeing to know that if some dude could not figure it out until well into his thirties, i’m prolly gonna be okay

anyway. i love hesitant alien. i loved getting to see the whole album live. and gerard way is a pretty cool dude that i appreciate a lot.

[agentemo]

Gender isn’t real except that it is and it affects everything.

But also language is meant to express ideas and no dictionary is going to contain every individual’s definitions of certain terms the same way no dictionary is going to contain every individual’s definitions of themselves.

Can you believe some terfs are spreading the idea that they’re the cool genderless bastions and non-binary people are, actually, shackling themselves to the binary by...talking about it in a different way? I’m so confused. First of all, I’m not trying to be cool. Obviously. Second of all, I fucking LOVE women. All women: cis trans fluid genderfuck whatever. Every single one of them, even the ones that have been polluted by these mind-twisting ideologies. We all deserve better. Third and most of all, the first sentence of this paragraph is a joke. I am genuinely concerned by this idea being spread and this is something I haven’t looked into a lot yet. But my hips hurt because no amount of nonbinary makes me not have endometriosis so let’s talk about other complications.

Hi, my name is Mikey kinda. I’m a woman. I’m trans. I’m nonbinary I’m black I’m Hispanic I AM ALSO NONE OF THOSE THINGS but you sure did learn a lot about me by me saying that right? Did it confuse you when I said I was also none of those things? Cool, imagine being me! Anyway, just use they/them and whatever name I ask you to. And I’ll do the same for you, because respect <3 Because anyone can have any name, duh. And I feel most comfortable with they/them pronouns in the context of when and where I live (as well as whom I interact with on these interwebs).

Any fucking way.

If you have ever thought you were trans/non-binary, I am your buddy. If you ID as detrans, I wanna cook you a meal. We are making up the rules as we go along, friends. This shit is HARD to figure out. I do not understand what you are going through yet, and I’m looking forward to learning. You’re not a threat to me and I’m not a threat to you. I hope we all find peace in our individual, unique journeys. You’re beautiful.

[agentemo]

you're 13 and you're in a New Jersey parking lot at a music festival and you've lost your best friend in the pit

feel-good bubblegum electropop outfit Hellogoodbye, famous for the mid-2000s hit "Here In Your Arms" and nothing else, are the second to last band playing at the main stage. halfway through their set, across the parking lot, Muse starts playing. you want to be close to the front of the main stage but you'd rather see Muse so you watch Muse from the outskirts of the crowd until Hellogoodbye ends

and then you rush the stage with 10,000 other young emos at the prime of whatever emo is

and when Muse ends their set, there's a chilly calm as you stare at the time on your flip phone. shuffling and chatting with strangers. sound check is electric. MCR starts at 9. it is 9:01. you chat with the temporary friends you made in the pit. you heard Muse play Hysteria, which is fun! it is 9:0- holy shit wait

the lights dim on an already night-darkened stage, and the opening chords of "The End." by My Chemical Romance quickly rule the small open space, as does every song the band plays, for the next hour and change that will tattoo itself into your being

the music is gorgeous. Gerard's hilarious. many members of the band and crew are ill from food poisoning. you forget because they're giving their all at their hometown show. "we grew up 10 minutes down the road," Gerard will say. you were on a bus for 10 minutes to get here! you've never felt more connected to this band.

you'll remember intricate details of this night forever

you'll take the bus home with your best friend, and you'll squeal together for a moment because you saw my chemical romance live - together but apart. these songs have sewed themselves into your DNA, and they will sew your two separate experiences together. you'll be close to graduating middle school and the only thing you will care about is that you saw Gerard Way running around on stage, and your best friend a hundred feet away also did, and you screamed along to songs that will mean the world to you forever

an experimental nostalgic post about my experience seeing the headliners of Bamboozle 2007, but also a reminder to myself to remember the things I am grateful for - including all the got dang show I went to as a teen (including 13 haha)

[agentemo]

sitting on a mossy rock beside my DBT river

watching all my thoughts float by on giant leaves

there's a thought of evil you, and one of evil me

on these leaves the size of Manhattan Island, holding the same amount of weight in rainbow tar

I'm shivering because my skin is dry but my bathing suit isn't, and our floating mountains create a dark shade over me as their colors bleed together

I watch them float by, mindfully (an extra leaf beside it now, because I think they're ugly)

a slivver of sun rewards me once they've passed (my skin will remember the wonderful heat)

when another giant leaf enters my periphery

[agentemo]

if i manage to post this before midnight in my timezone, i will feel very good

[agentemo]

exhausted and shattering!

daring to hope!

for tiny specks of time, drunk and high

hazy and shaking in between the spaces

a million things wrong and one is that I constantly see every new thing that's wrong

like punching a thick glass until it cracks, exhausting

thick glass shattering over my feet, specks of blood, high drunk

knock me out! I wanna sleep through the rest of humanity

[agentemo]

*deep inhale*

editing