#log archives

[amourete-blog1]

(( hearts! hearts for the heartless!

tagging: @caedisetmare @valorousimperial

delphine lost her soul to her former eldritch patron, and has been living soulless for a while; feli and delphine make plans to meet in secret and try to get it back. this is sappy as fuck and an exercise in how many heart metaphors i can make in a single log.  

begin log:

amourete When you wake in the early hours, you spend a great deal of your time researching. Book after book that has laid on your shelf, relatively untouched, you've taken down to page through, searching for any information on what you're going to attempt to do. Despite your best attempts, your search yields nothing. At least you can't say you weren't expecting that. With only a short time before your guest is to arrive, you turn instead to meditation - and this is where Delphine would find you, sitting in your lawnring a short ways away from the transportalizer, centering yourself.

caedisetmare This is the first time you've met Felide in person, so you'd be lying if you said you weren't nervous - not that she was frightening, you've seen things that frankly made the word lose meaning - but because this was a whole other kind of first impression. When you step off of the transportalizer, she's not hard to find. For that much, you're grateful, as if you had to wander around a locked-down timeline in search of someone you've only seen pictures of, you're fairly certain you would die on the spot. You take a knee next to her and wait for a while before speaking. "... Thank you again, for proposing this. It means more than you know."

amourete Coming out of meditation is a bit like closing a book. Coming out of meditation when someone speaks to you is like closing a book quite suddenly without a bookmark, jumping up because you've just been asked to do something, then getting dizzy because you stood up too fast. It takes you a second to really come back to yourself, but after shaking your head and blinking a few times, you smile to Delphine, and just give her a hug - careful of the spines. "You're my friend," you tell her, grinning when you let go. "And even if it's not in the best of circumstances, I'm overjoyed we finally get to meet. How are you doing?"

caedisetmare There's a lot of spines! You have to be careful not to stick her, even while she's minding them. This is what you get for being a deepdweller. You get poison spines. You smile warmly at her when she lets go, fins visibly perking up. It IS very nice to finally meet her. You don't know why you were as worried as you were. "I'm... actually, I'm quite well! Things have been calm, and now I'm meeting a good friend of mine in person. How are /you/ doing, tonight?" There's the faintest undercurrent of concern there, hidden behind your expression. You know things have been somewhat complicated here, after all, perhaps even moreso than where you're staying.

amourete You laugh a little, rubbing the back of her neck. "Things could be better. I've had a lot of support from friends and family, so it isn't bad yet. Just hard. But struggle makes us stronger, in the end, doesn't it?" You pat the grass next to you, scooting over to make a space for her - which is really a pointless gesture, considering there's no lack of space in the lawnring. "Sit, get comfortable. This is not going to be a fun process, but I think we can manage it. Before we start, I need you to know that this will probably be very taxing. Are you mentally prepared for it? Do you have any hesitations, anything that needs to be addressed before we begin? I don't know if we can stop once we start, so... speak now."

caedisetmare You take a deep breath, and settle onto the grass, gills fluttering softly as you do so. This is it, the moment of truth. "... As you know, I run entirely on donated energy from my patron - I have a finite amount of my own life force to work with, but. It should be... I suppose what I'm asking is would it be easier for you if I... emptied myself out, so to speak." It's almost clinically asked. You've endured quite a bit in your time, whatever was ahead would simply be another taxing experience. You can handle that much. "I don't know precisely how your abilities work, and as such - if you believe it would help you, then I can do that." You don't think about what it might mean if you run out of your own sparing life energy during the process. You'd back out if you did.

amourete Your expression change is immediate. "I don't know if it would be safe to do that. Does your patron provide you with so much energy that there isn't room for other influence? I'm admittedly... not sure how this works." You will not allow Delphine to die. Not on your watch.

caedisetmare "It wouldn't be. She... essentially acts in the stead of what, in my timeline, are the basic functions of a soul." You furrow your brow. Trying to gauge where you're sitting, energy-wise, since you did request to be more or less running on a battery instead of tethered for this. "... Well. Let's give this a try. If it does interfere, we can just stall a little until there's space. I am on a more... set amount, tonight. Sound fair?"

amourete You nod, and give a little smile, resting your hands on your knees. "We'll do our best. "We'll start by first centering ourselves - both of us. Your soul is you. To access a soul, nevermind re-create one, we must be able to have a clear vision of ourselves, unclouded by extraneous thoughts and fears. Fear creates defenses around the heart - I can't break through those, so you have to choose to let them down." You laugh. "Then again, I don't need to tell you that. You're probably already a pro at this."

caedisetmare "I never worked with souls, admittedly - the body is actually my specialty, and Patrons usually want into your mind, not your heart," you admit, folding your taloned hands  together neatly. "but I see no harm in trying new things. Here goes everything." The thought strikes you, after a second. If your soul is you, what are you, without one? An extension of your Patron? Do you /have/ anything to get a clear view of? Fins twitching, you force the idea from your head, eyes half lidded as you attempt to do as you were told. Moving away from extra thought and fear is the easy part, of course. It's also the first step for allowing communication with Old Gods. You can manage that much.

amourete Part of the reason she was able to startle you when she arrived is that your sixth sense never picked her up. You've never felt anything this empty before: Even objects have faint traces of the people that made them. It's unnerving, but you've been trying your best not to show it - especially since you know this is a scary concept for her. You don't want to make it worse. "I want you to think about what makes up... you." You don't close your eyes: they're fixed on her, watching her face. "Think about all the parts that have come together to make you who you are - in body, perhaps, but in spirit too. I'll ask you some questions to prompt you, and we'll start simple: What is your favorite color? What is your favorite food?"

caedisetmare Are you anything, in spirit? You don't answer that. Instead, you focus your awareness to your own physical shell, and the questions you're being asked.  The small things that might help you get a look at what's left of yourself. "Colour... White. The colour of light - I didn't know true colour for most of my life." In the dark, all lights are blinding, after all. That is why you glow. The faintest smile tugs at your lips at the mention of favorite foods. "As for the other... anglerfish, I suppose." You hadn't given it much thought; everything tasted the same, with your tribe, and land food is still new and strange. So... something familiar will do.

amourete You start to smell something - or rather, a shadow of something. You "smell" it, but you know it isn't really there: The faintest scent of salt. It's only there for a moment before it slips out of your sense again. "Tell me more about anglerfish. Do you remember the first time you tried it?"

caedisetmare "I don't think I was even pupated, then. it was so long ago. But I do remember my mother bringing it in - I was convinced it was going to eat me." It's an old memory, faded and coming apart at the metaphorical edges like an old photograph. "It was alright, then. I appreciated them more when I was older."

amourete Whatever was there must have passed. You try not to let your worry show - you want to think this is still possible. There has to be *something* you can grab onto. "Tell me about your mother. What was she like?"

caedisetmare "She was a distant woman. A huntress. She was usually out defending us instead of raising us." A pause, trying to remember. It was so long ago, when you became an adult, stopped being a daughter and became a Priestess. But that much you can remember. "The Priestesses cared for us more often than she did. I don't resent her for it - the tribe had to eat, had to be safe. But it's fairly obvious who's values I absorbed more. None of us, my siblings... none of us were Hunters." Even away from her people, living on land... she still dresses like she used to. Still prays, though Isyv said it wasn't needed.

amourete Their system is strange to you, but you recognize parts of it from your own feral life: trolls caring for other trolls, protecting each other. It strikes you again that those things still feel odd to hear from other trolls, even though you yourself have lived them. "And the Priestess? What was she like?"

caedisetmare "There were many of them. They were kind, if... nervous, people. The High Priestess before me most of all. I didn't understand why until I was older, but. They raised us when my mother would not." You frown, still remembering how it was to spend all day in holy places, but return to a Hunter's home at the end of a waking period. In a place where trolls all cared for each other, your mother may as well have been a domesticated Alternian Citizen. She didn't care. "I came to understand how brave they were - and are, still - only as an adult, when I was among their number. They carried the pressure and pain of our profession without ever giving it away that either existed. I... if there is one thing I miss from my life in the dark, it is them."

amourete "Can you think of something about them that left an impact on you?" You lean forward, as if this would grant you some greater insight. "Specifics are good. Any specific things they said to you, anything you recall that stayed with you, inspired you... Anything like that?"

caedisetmare A moment of silence. You look back - there has to be something, in between the stolen memories and the dark. "... The Dark will take your mind, your will, your spirit. But it cannot take the blood, Latula. Trust in that." You smile. "I only realized it meant family and not literal blood long after I stopped going by Latula, but. Well. You know me. The blood is... everything."

amourete You give her a little smile. "Well, I think they'd have a hard time getting your blood too. Maybe not impossible, but, it will take some trial.

"Good - okay. So your family is important to you, your family being... the seadwellers? Deep dwellers? That feral group you're part of."

caedisetmare "Not as hard as you think. I bleed easy." The confession isn't hard at all.

"But... yes. Them, my feral group. They're... even after I've left, even  after finding out what I did.. I'd trade back every day in the light I've had if it meant they could have a minute under the moons."

amourete You consider this for a moment. "Can you go back now, or...? Are you stuck here somehow? I know when I left my group, it was a one-time thing, but that's because I chose to travel with an outlaw."

caedisetmare "... No. They're... the worship my old Patron, the one who took my soul in the first place." You try to stop it, but your face twists in obvious pain, a moment, before smoothing. No sense in mourning the past. "Until his influence is dealt with, I can't go home. Maybe after, but. Not now. Probably not for a long time."

amourete It was becoming more and more apparent that this task would be more difficult than it first appeared.

"Let's move on from your childhood then. Can you recall a formative part of your young adult life? Someone or something, an event or an object, that stayed with you?"

caedisetmare This one, you struggle with. Your youth is a patchy, blurred space, no doubt lovingly edited by your last patron. Brow furrowing, you reach back, trying to find something important, something...

There. Your eyes finally open, and slowly, you begin to describe the Deepest Temple, a holy site, and your first experience there. The black, the glowing paints on the walls, the blades on the altar, the way your skin prickled, feeling as if you were watched... despite yourself, you can't keep the reverent tone from your voice. "That's... it's when I knew. I'd never be a huntress, or a siren. I was meant to be there. It felt like... fate, I suppose. Inevitable that I'd end up in that space."

amourete Oh THAT'S something. Salt floods your senses, brine and sea air paired with a touch of vanilla. It's not necessarily sudden, no, rather like the lighting of a candle: Slow, then all at once, so very much alive.

"What were you doing there, then? Did you sneak in? Were you invited?"

caedisetmare "We were going to be entering the temple the next evening. But... when I was cleansing myself, preparing to be in such a sacred space... I thought I heard a voice. Calling me, from inside." The emotion is still there, the wonder, the awe of that moment.

"Of course, when I swam in, there wasn't any Troll there, only that... presence, watching me." You smile, faintly, taking a deep breath. "They never found out I snuck in, the others - but I felt those eyes on me for nights on end." You don't sound concerned about the last part. You weren't. You never were. It was... comforting, having something watching over you, then.

amourete "Hold still."

It's soft, but firm. You reach out to her, your hand hovering a couple inches away from her. The closer it gets, the more vividly you feel it.

"May I touch you? Here, in the center of your chest."

caedisetmare You stay perfectly still. That part is easy, at least, you're used to being Still.

"... Yes, you may."

For a moment, it's as if even your breath stills. Never been one for following orders halfway.

amourete Your palm presses against her sternum, your fingers splayed across her chest. The heartbeat under her skin feels so much more *alive*. Your senses pulse with the fading traces of her, gathered in the corners of your awareness, just barely out of reach.

You close your eyes, and you breathe.

"Tell me about the blades. Tell me about the altar."

caedisetmare You don't know why she's doing any of this. But you trust her. Breathing again, you picture that temple in your head again, crisp and clearer than any other memory of your youth.

And you start to describe them, the edges in white, glowing paint, the blades that glinted with even the faintest light around them with hilts that bit into your palms when you held them - a reminder, you explain, that bloodshed is not to be taken lightly. The altar, only defined when painted but you could just sense it, in the dark, old stone with the carvings worn out by time and tide. You tell her about the runes on the blades themselves, what they mean, what each one is used for.

You don't know how much, or how little, she wants. But you tell her as much as you can about this facet of the first place you belonged.

amourete The pulse gets clearer as she speaks, fading sometimes, but growing stronger with others. You continue to listen, as if with your ear against a radio, turning dials to hear a clear sound.

"And in your present... Tell me about the people closest to you. Moments that stand out, with them: First meetings, special meetings, special gifts from them."

caedisetmare She really wasn't pulling punches with these questions, was she?

You steady yourself, and yet again, begin. The people you care for wholeheartedly. Your children, of course, come first. There are hatchdays and coming of age ceremonies, gifts that meant the world to you even if it was just some old fish bones they thought you'd like. There's a moment of grief, but it fades, when you mention the son you lost and the dramatics he used when he presented the spoils of his first hunt. You talk about the first meeting with your new patron and how she was nothing like you expected, the day you met Val in person, the people you met through him and the events that made you love them as much as he did. You even touch on Felide, about the gift of clarity that was given so long ago, now.

It's... it's a lot of people, gods below. You didn't realize your heart was such a mosaic until you say it aloud. It's a pleasant sort of revelation, at least.

amourete It's as she finishes speaking that you catch a sense of something solid. Everything you felt before is only an echo in comparison: *This,* this is something. You fix your focus on it like a vice, snapping jaws shut and refusing to let go.

You don't want to risk losing this lead to tell her, but this process has caused pain before. Hearts hurt: It's what they do. In order to be healed, sometimes pain is required... but if she stops talking, if she hesitates for a second, you don't know how long you'd be able to keep this in your grasp.

So you grab onto it, and you *pull.*

It's more resistant than the souls you've handled before. You don't have the freedom to treat it with the reverence you'd treat other souls. It doesn't want to take shape, doesn't *want* to be pulled, and you understand the hesitance: Existing, feeling hurts. But there's so much good to feel too, and everything Delphine tells you proves it: There were good people that cared for her first soul, and those same good people would care for her second. Good things buried themselves deep within her, and they could again, given the chance.

And what you pull from her chest is a gossamer thread, taut from the moment you pull it out to the moment it snaps and falls into your hand, tumbling into a pool of softly-glowing, pulsing purple that could fit on the face of a caegar with room to spare, held in the palm of one hand.

caedisetmare You trust her. You tell yourself this as whatever she does starts a deepset pain to radiate from your chest, as you focus on continuing to let her in. As you bear this the same as so much else. This would be a lot of work just to damage whatever self you have-

The cord snaps, and you see it, this small, wisp of a thing that you know in an instant definitively belongs to you. Your eyes widen, slightly, and you look at her in awe.

You're not what to say. It's not a soul, you don't have one, but. She's done something incredible, to say the least. Even this much, seeing something that must be some part of you out in the open, is incredible.

"I..." Nope, there's no words coming together. Whoops.

amourete There's a green glow in your veins that only starts to fade as you catch your breath. And god... where *is* your breath? Not here, that's for sure. The moment that glowing purple settles in your hand, exhaustion like you've never known sinks into your bones, wraps itself around your heart and constricts around it. You feel drained: Completely, totally drained.

Worth it.

The liquid in your hand can hardly take a shape as it is. It's fragile and - dare you say it - it feels *afraid.* You close your other hand over top of it and take a breath.

"I just needed a start," you murmur, and your voice sounds surprisingly winded, considering you've been sitting down for this. Whoops. Steady yourself, Felide. "Just a start, but I think... I think this should be enough."

caedisetmare Just a start. A start for what, you wonder, because this much in itself is already *so much.* How can this just be the beginning? You already feel laid bare in front of her, having poured out things you hadn't even told Val, hadn't told anyone yet. She knew parts of you that you'd kept hidden for sweeps. Your chest still aches for what little has been torn out of it, a reopening of what was once insurmountable emptiness.

Just the start, you remind yourself. Perhaps laying it all on the table was a good place to start, that made sense.

"Don't... strain yourself," you whisper, concern for her overshadowing any worry you have about what's in her hand. You know she won't, not in a dangerous way, but it never hurts to remind her.

Her wellbeing is more important than this tiny wisp of self in her palm, no matter how hard it had fought to exist - or not exist, perhaps, considering the effort it took to find it. Maybe it would sooner stay a wisp, because negligible wisps don't get eaten or coveted; or, under normal circumstances, torn out of chests.  

... You've never been great at self preservation, so you take a deep breath, and let Felide do as she will with it. It's far too late to stop her now, anyway.

amourete You have to laugh. It's a wheezing sound, but it's joyous nonetheless, ringing in a warm tone. "Too late," you reply with a smile, "but if we're lucky, I won't ever have to do this again."

When you lift the hand on top, the purple hidden between your palms is still glowing a faint purple. You bow your head and whisper a little prayer to it, closing your eyes and summoning the last of what power you have to imbue it with all your hopes for the future: that it would grow, that she would heal, that she would learn how to be happy. All this you say in a soft voice, one she might only barely be able to hear, and you seal with a kiss to the fragile surface of the soul.

"You have a long road ahead of you. You need to nurture this if you want it to grow." You look up to meet Delphine's striking purple eyes, worry visible in yours. "It's so easy to lose yourself, to bury what you have and let it wither. This soul - this self - is small still, and it will die out again if you aren't careful."

caedisetmare Despite yourself, you feel your shoulders tighten. This is *you.* this is also the most delicate thing you've seen in your life. It's hard not to feel nervous, the bile rising in your throats and threatening the calm you'd crafted.

You swallow it. Be still. Settle. You have to.

"How... do I do that, Felide? This is awfully unlike what I tend to nurture..." Your voice doesn't waver when you meet her eyes, though your brow is furrowed. "You understand such things so much more than I. What does... I'll be careful, of course, but. What does it need?" Your fins lower again, lost. For your sake and hers, you can't let it die, you can't make her do this again.

No pressure or anything.

amourete None at all! It's not like a critical part of a self and soul was reconstructed through struggle and deeply personal details just now or anything. 100% simple and straightforward, this.

"Well, for starters, you need to mind it." You have a little smile on your face, and you hold your hands out to her. "Your heart knows things you don't. Listen to it. If it hurts, pay attention; if it sings, hear that too. Sometimes its hurt is necessary for it to grow, but sometimes it's truly harmful. Over time, if you listen, you'll learn the difference.

"You need to love, too: Love much, love without boundary. Using your heart will make it stronger, like a muscle, like your mind. Let yourself feel, even if you have to do it alone. Let others help you build up your soul, allow them in, let them help you grow."

You look down at the soul with a certain sort of admiration. "I'm sure a parable of pearls isn't lost on you, being what you are... how an oyster will coat a grain of sand in layer after layer of stunning color. This is your pearl. It's small now, but it will grow, by your hand or by someone else's. We are the sum of all our experiences and all the people in our lives, good, bad and bittersweet." Yesterday at 4:37 PM

caedisetmare "I understand."

As quickly and involuntarily as before, the knot of tension in you loosens. You can do this. It'll b harde, you know it will, but it's not insurmountable. Listen to your heart. Love all you can, openly, let others in. Let them help you. Feel. It's not impossible.

You smile. It is a a rare smile for you, a crooked, natural grin. Not composed or fashioned into something prettier, it just *is.*

"... Thank you, my friend," you say after a moment, "I didn't dare to hope this would work, but you did it. There's no way I can properly express how much this means to me, or how *grateful* I am." You blink a couple times, third eyelid swiping over before you can tear up. After everything, it's a chance to be whole again, literally in the palm of her hand.

It strikes you as incredibly Young Adult Novel, but. That doesn't bother you much.

amourete You smile right back. Even in your exhaustion, your cheery optimism about this soul thing hasn't left you one bit.

"Put out your hands," you ask, offering out the soul. "I want you to hold it. It's yours, after all... Just be gentle."

caedisetmare "Of course. It would probably be safer if you place it in my hands - claws, after all, even if I usually blunt them."

Carefully, you cup your hands, thumbs and claws all carefully far from your palms as you hold them out. You can be gentle, you've held delicate things before.

You hope you can be gentle *enough* for this.

amourete You do just that! As soon as she's cupped her hands, you delicately put the soul-matter into them, like pouring water. It rolls over your fingers and pools in her hand, a tiny amount of mercury-like fluid, glowing purple.

"That's you," you say with a little smile, putting your hands under hers as you look up.

caedisetmare "That's... me. Huh."

There's no way to properly explain how it feels to hold your soul in your hands. There's no good way to describe a lot of things regarding this, you'd wager, looking at the pooled substance in your hands with wonder.

She'd... made this, essentially. Felide had very much done the impossible.

You don't bother to hide how your fins perk up when she puts her hands under yours, reflecting her smile back at her when you look back up.

"This is..." you trail off, speechless, but the tone says it all. You are absolutely in awe of her.

amourete You're purring. It's a soft rumble in your chest, and your smile stays firmly on your face even as you look back at her soul. You lift it from her hands again, spinning it back into its long, silky thread, and then direct it back into her chest, where it collects around the place where her heart would be.

"I won't say anything," you promise. "This is something you have to decide for yourself, who you want to tell - if anyone at all right now. There's still a chance this won't work..."

caedisetmare Felide's discretion relieves you more than you expected it to. This is still new, and very fragile, after all. Carefully, you set your hands in your lap, relaxing, though you can't quite manage to stifle the smile on your face. That's there to stay, apparently.

"Thank you, again - I feel like I'll be thanking you a million times over. I don't... want to get anyone's hopes up, if it doesn't work. But you know, we made it this far, so. It seems the winds are favorable." Faintly, the lines on your skin are pulsing, speaking without thinking, some admittedly sappier things you are absolutely not going to translate, ever.

"Though, I will let you know when I decide to be public with the information; you should definitely be allowed to brag about creating a soul from nothing, after all!"

amourete It's a good thing you don't speak fish.

"Then I'll anxiously await the day you can say with assurety that you once again have your own heart," you say. You offer your arms for a hug, if she'll let you.

caedisetmare Oh, you will absolutely hug her, this is a big occasion - a hug is the least you can do.

You embrace her carefully, murmuring a quick warning about your spinal fin as you do so - the last thing anyone wants is dear Felide getting stung.

amourete You mind her warning as best you can, laughing as you do. What a wonderful woman.

"You should stay for tea," you say when you pull away. "I think I have at least that much in me, and then I'll likely need to rest for a good, long while."

caedisetmare "Well," you start, "If you want me to, I'll stay for tea - but don't you dare put off resting for my sake."

Despite your fussing, you still sound fond, goddamnit. Why is it so hard to just chide her like anyone else.

amourete "Women and cats will do as they please," you say without missing a beat, taking her hands in yours as you stand. "And I happen to be a little of both. Shall we?"

caedisetmare That's fair, honestly.

You stand shortly after her, not in any particular hurry to do so or to extricate your hands from hers.

"I can't argue with that. Lead the way, Miss Lejion."

[amourete-blog1]

(( [flickers rock candy light] welcome to hell welcome to hell welcome t

tagging: @sugaryexcess @wwickedspirits @hereticalsym69ls

as w most things with sugary, this log gets a bit sketchy. beware of: talk of keeping trolls as pets, threatening harm to them, general threats and fear and intimidation, mentions of severe injury (blood loss). there’s a brief mention in narration at the beginning of possible harm coming to children but it never happens.

the necessary background is as follows: sugary has been reverted to her mindset from a handful of years ago, when she was Super Not Good, and currently is keeping Xanthe and Val on her ship as “pets”. up until recently she had also been keeping Bodencus, for the unusual color of his blood, but then decided to send him home - not without draining most of his blood. after being alerted to this, feli went to go help him, since they’re quadmates, and this conversation with xanthe happened. (edit: fixed link)

begin log:

Felide - Yesterday at 10:50 PM Your objective is simple: Get Bo's kids, get them into a room, protect that room and stand guard. It should have been simple. It would have kept you out of the way of that candy-colored menaces, to boot.

Unfortunately, fate did not have that in store for you, because shortly after you leave the room where Bodencus was, you come face-to-face with Sweets Herself.

"Oh! I - Condy! Hi!" Oh god you're stuttering, oh god, oh god,

Sugary - Yesterday at 10:57 PM ! You weren't expecting to see her! You'd begrudgingly come to Bo's ship on Xanthe's instruction, in fact, the last straw was him saying that Felide would be upset if Bo died. And here she is, to witness your good deed! It's providence. Your smile widens. "Hello, my darling! I wasn't expecting you."

Felide - Yesterday at 11:13 PM Your heart is beating a lot faster than you'd like, and you... carefully move to the side to allow her to pass. Please let her pass. Your hand presses flat to the wooden wall behind you. "And I wasn't expecting you either! I mean I was, kind of, but not so soon? Xanthe messaged me just a short time ago saying you were coming over and I..."

You were what? "... I was going to go get a wet wash cloth! For a compress."

Sugary - Today at 1:28 AM You cock your head, curious. "Xanthe mentioned you. Are you... you're not his Disciple, darling, are you?" You've only been vaguely reading your dash. They seem weird and close in that gross rebel way, but maybe you're reading too much into it. You're completely ignoring all the obvious signs that she doesn't want you here, or maybe you don't see them.

Felide - Today at 1:31 AM You're going to break your teeth with how tight your jaw gets at that name. "Sorry - his...?" You're acting like you don't understand the word. "Disciple?" Maybe you can also get out of her a sign of how much Xanthe's already told her. God, you hope it's not much.

Sugary - Today at 2:40 AM "His Disciple. The olive one who followed him around and listened to him and wrote stuff down or waterver." Your smile widens just a touch. "The one who loved him." It's hard to tell how much you know, your facial expressions are weird and not indicative of your emotions. You're very smiley.

Felide - Today at 2:43 AM That slight expression change feels a lot like "You're going to die if you lie to me right now," so you opt for the truth. "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, that's me!" Wow, is it uncomfortable in here or is it just you? Compose yourself, Felide. "Yes, I think 'Disciple' is what I'm called now. It's just been a while since anyone's called me that. Could... I ask why it's of interest? If you'd be so kind."(edited)

Sugary - Today at 2:52 AM Well, most of your expressions have undertones of that, so that's not incorrect. "Becod you were so~ sweet to me online! Most rebels wouldn't be... Were you part of the plan to lie to me, or did it just come naturally, or...?" You don't think it's uncomfortable in here at all! It's fine.

Felide - Today at 2:56 AM HEY, XANTHE DIDN'T TELL YOU SHE KNEW THIS PART, YOU'D LIKE TO PHONE A FRIEND. "I wasn't part of any plan," you say, dancing around the fact that you did, in fact, know there was a plan to begin with. "And with all due respect, madame, I would still be sweet to you if you weren't interrograting me. I like to think I've put my past behind me." What that "past" means is anyone's guess. "I believe in peace and order, and sometimes peace and order comes through respecting authority. Is this not so?"

Sugary - Today at 3:33 AM Something... Unwinds. Some tension in you releases, and you relax, noticably. Your next smile might look a little more natural, but maybe not. All your smiles are odd. "Yes, dear, that makes perfect sense. I'm sorry, I'm a little on edge... All these people who know me that I don't know... It's weird." You reach in to stroke her cheek, you know, as people do in normal interactions with strangers. "You've been a delight with me, sweetness, and I appreciate it."

Felide - Today at 3:37 AM Oh, yes, this is completely normal. You put all your faculties towards not jumping when she touches you, and even giving a sweet little purr to go with your smile. Yes, you can play the part of "adorable kitten" when you want to. Look at that face. "I wouldn't know what it's like," you say modestly, trying to fall back in rhythm without assuming too much. "But it does seem as if it would be jarring. I hope you're able to relax soon? I'm sorry you had to come all the way out here when you're so wound up, but Bo will be grateful, I think - and I am too, very much."

Sugary - Today at 3:42 AM Gods, that's so sweet. She's so cute. A feral kitten that you got to love you!!! It'd be cool if you took her back with you. "Xanthe's gonna visit his people tomorrow, I assume you're one of them? You can stop by any time, you know, grubby. It just be scary, having that buoy out of sight. We both know he gets into all kinds of trouble!" You grin, and the sightly bared teeth and twinkle in your eye show that you're very much aware that you're the trouble, this time. He's in danger because of you.

Felide - Today at 3:52 AM You shrink a little under that kind of expression. Oh god. "It is scary," you admit, which is probably the truest thing you've said all day. You can't politely refuse an invitation like that. You know how the upper class is. "I might visit sometime, if it's alright with you? That's such a generous offer, thank you very much..."(edited)

Sugary - Today at 10:31 AM You see her shrink back, and it's adorable, and you love it. Not enough people you've interacted with are scared of you. You guess future you being so weak made them immune to your presence? Whatever it is, it sucks and this is nice. "It's more than alright. In fact, I insist. No hurry, though! He'll be with me for a while. And you're welcome, darling!"

Felide - Today at 10:37 AM Haaahahahaha you feel Really Fucking Scared. "I'll make time in my schedule!" You'll delay it as much as you possibly can and hope you can wait out this storm. You pair your next statement with a curtsy: "If you'll excuse me, madame, Bo's sent me on an errand. I don't think I'll be here when you leave, but your audience is most appurrreciated." Please God let that be enough.

Sugary - Today at 11:15 AM It's enough. For now. You nod, then brush past her to fix Bo. Hopefully he didn't bleed out when you were talking. "Be seeing you, kitten."

Felide - Today at 11:16 AM Ugh.

[amourete-blog1]

(( uhhHHH this is late but i’m collecting logs i missed the other night and missed this one. orz this happened after this log w clams and before this other log with clams. (so, in the time that clams was asleep.)

tagging: @changinaspirations @vvicissitudo @brackishbarracuda

begin log:

amourete Hey. Sorry if this is abrupt - you know Vis, right? Is he alright?

changinaspirations yes! im wwith vvis right noww

changinaspirations i took him to my hivve hes well, shaken up

amourete Oh thank god Not about the shaking up - just that you know where he is He wasn't hurt, was he?

changinaspirations um, i dont think so can i tell you a secret mystery person

amourete :?? I wouldn't think you should be entrusting secrets to strangers.

changinaspirations oh

changinaspirations wwell then i dont knoww wwhos blood it is bye

amourete :PP How about I introduce myself instead?

changinaspirations that wworks i guess

amourete My name is Felide Leijon. I'm Cho's auspitice and Meenah's girlfriend. Right now I'm with Clams, my metamour, at Meenah's home - and he's asleep, or I'd ask him to vouch for me. -- attached: image -- [Clams, asleep on the steps.]

changinaspirations OH THANK GOD HES SAFE

amourete Absolutely.

changinaspirations oh my go d

amourete I'm keeping an eye on him. He's worried sick but he's safe. I'll keep him that way.

changinaspirations vvis couldnt say anythin i wwas so scared it wwas clamss blood

amourete What was Clams' blood?

changinaspirations my name is eridan vvici ampora prince a hope i go by he an they an im not really anyone special but i did savve the wworld once there wwas blood in chos hivve an i didnt knoww wwhos it wwas

amourete Well you're special to the people you know, so that counts for something I think. :PP :?? What color?

changinaspirations um

changinaspirations a color one of them yup

amourete Fascinating. :PP Can you give me a range?

changinaspirations totally uhhh my best guess is

changinaspirations somewwhere on the spectrum thats like a thin people say yeah

amourete Are you colorblind?

changinaspirations um yes that wwas the secret i wwas gonna tell you

amourete Oh jesus. Can you take a picture?

changinaspirations no im at my hivve noww wwith vvis

changinaspirations hes disraught

amourete X(( Well, fuck. That's alright. We'll... We'll do something.

changinaspirations i dont um really knoww wwhat happened do you

amourete I don't know how much I should say. I've only spoken to Cho's other quads and Clams.

changinaspirations oh

amourete I honestly don't know all that's happened either but... From what I've gathered? It's bad.

changinaspirations they dont really like me so i understand if you dont tell me

amourete When they're awake and feline up to it, we can see what we can do. Cho is safe. I don't know where Meenah is. I don't think anyone does.

changinaspirations im keepin vvis hidden he said i wwas in danger cause i look like him an clams

amourete ??? In *danger*?

changinaspirations wwhen i found him at chos hivve yeah

amourete Did he say what the danger was *from?*

changinaspirations no he cant really talk wwell ivve been tellin him stories to keep him distracted cause evvery time he remembers he gets horrified

amourete Keep an eye on him. I'll watch Clams. Maybe there's a chance they could help each other...?

changinaspirations i wwanna see clams

amourete When he's awake, we'll see what we can do. He's waiting for Sal, in the event that Sal comes here. Right now, though, he's sleeping, and he needs that desperately.

changinaspirations sea dwwellers dont often sleep um do you sing much

changinaspirations no nevvermind -- CA sent file 'lullaby'.mp3 -- here

changinaspirations its laced wwith hope powwers so use headphones for him maybe

amourete :?? What's this? Oh. I'll... I'll ask him, yes.

changinaspirations !! is he awwake can you um

changinaspirations if maybe like if can you tell him that i said hi for me thankyouplease

amourete :PP Yes, I'm happy to help. Don't be so disingenuous. What else would you like me to tell him?

changinaspirations that if he needs to hide wwhere no one else knowws of then he can come to me

amourete I'll pass it along, and I'll let you know when he's awake.

[amourete-blog1]

(( an 8 sweep old in queen porrim’s court

tagging: @gentleaegis @hereticalsym69ls uhhh and i guess @roseredmutant since he’s in the house

begin log:

aberrantcadenza Now that you've been properly apprised of what's going on, you go back to what you did at first: Snooping! You are leaning in the doorway being very sneaky and very, completely hidden, watching the one remaining troll on the food preparation block: Someone who looks suspiciously like your mother. What had Xanthe called her? Purrim?

gentleaegis You, Porrim, are wiping down the counters after the cats left pawprints on them. Again. But there's a very familiar feeling of being watched. Having overheard some sort of commotion you don't want to approach just yet for fear of startling anyone. "What are you doing?"

aberrantcadenza Is she talking to you? She can't be. You're VERY well hidden. You pull your fingers back in from around the doorframe and shrink back so only your eyes, the top of your head and your horns are visible. You're SO sneaky right now.

gentleaegis Ohhhh you see what's happening here. Doing your very best to hide a laugh (you fail, you're smiling very hard right now) you turn your back again and pretend to keep cleaning. Quietly enough to listen for reactions, but you hope the gesture is disarming.

aberrantcadenza SUCCESS! Who is the sneakmaster, it's you!! It's safe to peek out more now, so you pop your whole head out from behind the doorframe to watch her. She looks EXACTLY like your mom, except her skin is so pale! Maybe she was underground too long, or maybe the sun bleached all the grey out. You're pretty sure that can happen! But can it happen to jadebloods?

After you ponder over this, you decide to take your sneaking a bit further. You scoot out from the doorway and very, very carefully tip-toe into the room, then hide next to the counter.

gentleaegis Oh excellent. Maybe you won't have to scare her since the letting her come to you approach seems to be going swimmingly. You put the kettle on and set out her favourite tea cup, with the leaves and strainer sitting to the side. You know how to bait Leijons by now. (:<

aberrantcadenza !! Oh!! That is a REALLY cute cup. It has cats on it! Does she like cats too? You knew she liked tea, but the cats are new. The strainer is so nice... You creep a little closer as soon as the coast is clear to get a better look at it. Those leaves smell *so* good... this is a really fancy tea, not like the ones you make on the road. You wonder where she got it.

gentleaegis M...maybe now? Gosh it's been a while since you've been in this situation. It's hard. Don't look over. Don't be scary. "Would you like to try it?"

aberrantcadenza !! SPOTTED! ABORT ABORT.

But... What if you DIDN'T abort? Did she offer you tea? You think that's what she said.

Your voice is kind of quiet, but you say, "Yes? Please."

gentleaegis AAAH. You're going to die she's so precious. "Alright. Do you want me to make it for you or would you like to try? Should I fetch you a stool to sit on?"

aberrantcadenza Ooh!! You want to try, but you don't know this tea. Is it the same as any other tea? What if it's different? What if you ruin it?

"May I try?" That's the word, right? "May?"

gentleaegis "You may! Come see, I'll help you if you need it." GOSH. You slide the strainer over so she doesn't have to lean quite so close to reach it, just in case.

aberrantcadenza Oh!! It's a cat! You pick it up in both hands. This is so fancy! You can see where the tea is supposed to be, but you can't figure out how to put it in. You poke at the cat all over to look for a switch, and shake it a couple times.

gentleaegis Goodness gracious, not laughing is so difficult. "Twist in the middle and it will open. Only fill it about half way, please."

aberrantcadenza Oh! It pops right open. You smile as you have each half in your hands, and very delicately put the cat's head onto the counter. There. You give it a pat on the head with the tip of your finger.

You very carefully spoon a little bit of tea into the bottom of the tea strainer, then hold it out to her to inspect.

gentleaegis Ah! Dare you make a more bold move to win her favour? Yes. "Purrfect. Now you put it back together and put it in the cup so its little paws are holding on."

As you speak you go lift the kettle off the heat and fill the cup. It's too hot and even if she's still an adult you don't let your OTHER adult children handle it around you.....

aberrantcadenza :OO !!! Purr!!! You make a pleased little trill and grin at her.

You'd better hurry, she's already got the water! You twist the cat's top half right back on, and perch it very carefully inside the cup. A little bit of tea spilled, but you don't notice. When you've completed your task you step back a little and fold your hands in front of you while she handles the water. You're very familiar with this part.

gentleaegis So well behaved, what a change...

You put the kettle back v e r y carefully. "Now we wait. When you think the colour is right you can take the cat out. There is milk in the fridge if you want that too."

aberrantcadenza You have to take the cat *out?* Oh no. You wanted to drink it with the cat in. She's using simple words, words you know, so you're catching about 3/4ths of what she's saying.

"What color?" you ask, standing on your tip-toes to look at the surface of the tea.

gentleaegis "Brown usually?" Oh mom... "Just when you think it looks good. There are no rules."

Thankfully you know how she takes it so if she leaves it brewing TOO long you can take it out for her. But you want to let her try.

aberrantcadenza "It's all brown!" You stick your tongue out at her, but it looks more like a blep. Mlem. "Okay. Wait?" You point to the chairs at the kitchen table.

gentleaegis "But the good tea brown, Felide!" Pff. You want to just squish her little face when she bleps. RESIST, PORRIM. "Do you want to bring the chair over so you can see?"

aberrantcadenza Yes! Yes you do! You dart right over to the table to pick up a chair. Although you're pretty strong at your age, you're not quite as strong as your present self is. You pick the chair up with ease and toddle over to the counter, where you sit on it backwards.

gentleaegis Okay no you can't handle it anymore, a quiet little laugh slips out even as you cover your mouth with one hand. You even light up the tiniest amount. Whoops. Better not mention that. "I think another minute will be good. What do you think?"

aberrantcadenza TOO FUCKIN LATE! Your eyes widen a bit when you see it. "Glow?" ??? Concern??? Why is she lighting up? What is going on??

gentleaegis AUGH. FECK. How tf do you describe this...Um. You mime the shape of your own fangs, but bigger. "Drinker. It's safe though, don't worry."

aberrantcadenza "Oh," you say, as if this explains everything and she didn't just namedrop one of the scarier creatures in troll mythos. You nod. "You are always safe."

gentleaegis ! The RELIEF. "I try my best! But always safe for you, of course. People who might hurt you? Not so much."

You lean over to peek at the tea. Oof it's getting a biiiit strong now. "What do you think, Felide?"

aberrantcadenza Oh! Oh dear. You can smell it, and you nod. Time to EXTRACT CAT.

And of course, you burn your fingers doing so. You grabbed the strainer too close to the water! The cat gets dropped on the counter messily and you hold your fingers with a surprised little squeak. Naughty cat! You are, in fact, glaring at the cat strainer.

gentleaegis Ohhhhh dear. First things first you reach for her hands - partly to inspect the damage but also so that she doesn't go picking the thing up again. "Careful. Let me see?"

The clean up can wait for later.

aberrantcadenza You hold out your hands. Your fingertips are just a little red, it's not really that bad! You're mad at the little cat anyway. It was so deceptively cute! It tricked you like this!

gentleaegis As delicately as you can you lift her hands up just a little - enough to meet you when you duck your head down and kiss them better. 0:

It's only for a moment, and then she is Free. "Go run them under the cold water for a bit and I will clean up."

aberrantcadenza !! :D You smile immediately, purr a little, and go to do just that. Your arms just barely reach over the sink. Cold water runs on your fingers until they return to regular temperature, and then you shut it off - but not before licking the water stream, because what kind of cat would you be if you didn't? A shitty one, that's what.

You pat your mouth dry with the towel for a quick moment before turning to her with your usual "I didn't do anything" look.

gentleaegis In the time she takes to do that you very quickly put the cat out of reach to be dealt with later and wipe the surface down so there's no more hot water there.

Oho she's up to something though. "What did you do?"

aberrantcadenza "No!" you say, by which you mean that you didn't do anything. You put your hands behind your back and look very proper. No shenanigans to be seen here!

Oh, there's a drop of water on your face. You wipe it off very quickly and go back to looking proper.

gentleaegis Oh no. You're going to have to put on the Mom Voice, even if you aren't actually feeling that serious. "Felide..."

aberrantcadenza Whiiiine!! You do the pouty face. Mom face vs kitten face, FIGHT!

gentleaegis So that's how it's going to be? You cross your arms and prepare to wait it out. A mom power move.

aberrantcadenza Oh no! You've activated her trap card! You've been defeated. You sigh, letting your hands drop. "Drank sink water."

gentleaegis PFF. No no, no laughing, Porrim. "That's allowed. The plumbing is very good here, you're not going to get sick from a little bit."

aberrantcadenza Oh! You didn't do anything wrong after all! You beam brightly. "It's different from home!"

gentleaegis "It's very different. But this part is good different, right?" A a a h. Dying. You can't keep that grumpy pose when she's this sweet...

aberrantcadenza You purr. "It tastes clean!" is your only complaint, and you make a face to go with it. "But not being sick is good."

You peek over at your tea, and then look back to her for permission to get it.

gentleaegis "Clean is good!" You laugh and wave a hand. "Go on then. Be careful though, it will still be hot."

aberrantcadenza Yes!! Score! Obtained: One (1) tea. "Merci! Thank you!" You CAN speak Common! You're trying to learn, anyway, and you're sure she would want you to practice. You put your teacup on the table, and then scoot your chair back over to sit and drink it.

gentleaegis She's so excitable and even though it's just a cup of tea - and you see her make it most nights - you find yourself swept up in the emotion of it all. You end up peering over her shoulder in anticipation. Wow! O:

aberrantcadenza You smile at her, and bump noses. "Sit?" you ask, gesturing to another chair. "Please?"

gentleaegis ! That is an instruction you're happy to follow! You sit, hands folded in your lap and back straight as you were taught. "Do you like it?"

aberrantcadenza You nod, and just barely pull back from your tea when you do. It's *really* nice tea. "We don't have this back home. How can you affurd it?" Your accent is pretty thick and your r's are rolled.

gentleaegis "We work hard! And this is your hive so I can spend my money on nice treats for you." And you do, when you're not saving it for something Bigger.

aberrantcadenza "We have work here?" You're kind of in awe. Last thing you knew, you were still traveling with your family, and Xanthe hasn't told you much about what's changed. "Did things change? Did people listen?"

gentleaegis Ah...You'll have to consult the others before she can get an answer on what to tell her. For now you hope you can dance around the truth. "People are still mean here, but not so dangerous. Xanthe does his wood work, Lil does readings. I work in a tattoo parlour and you have a shop all your own! It's very impressive."

aberrantcadenza "I wouldn't stop to make a shop," you say, very matter-of-fact as you sip your tea. "I would keep going until they listened. Unless Xanthe stopped. Someone has to do it."

gentleaegis Shoot. Uh. "You wanted to be close to Nepeta. And Xanthe lives here too so it isn't as though you are separated at all." Clooooose enough??

aberrantcadenza You have so many questions, and it shows on your face. "A lot changes in the future?"

gentleaegis "A lot, yes! But I can't tell you too many details, that would spoil the surprises!" Well you're not LYING...You're just...neglecting to mention that they're not NICE surprises.

aberrantcadenza Too late! They MUST be good surprises if she's refusing to spoil them for you. You smile all the more. "Tell me a little bit? Very small? Please?"

gentleaegis That little menace knows what she's doing using that precious face against you. Dammit. You'll just have to spin this in your favour by pretending to glance around to make sure the coast is clear, then cover one side of your face with a hand. To keep the secrets from sneaking past her. Of course.

"You get to become SO skilled that there are a few trolls who asked you to be their teacher!"

aberrantcadenza Oh yes, you know EXACTLY what you're doing. You also know she's not telling you everything, but at least she's better at lying than Xanthe is. You'll have to pester him more.

"*Me?* A teacher? I don't think I could efur be as good a teacher as you."

gentleaegis These are high quality lies. Premium lies. Mom lies. "You become the BEST teacher. You show some trolls how to hunt, and others to hone their craft!"

What's impressive enough to distract..."You brought down a dragon with little more than teeth and knives just a few perigees ago."

aberrantcadenza Oh FUCK that's cool!! Your attempts at prying the truth out have been forgotten, and you GASP. "A *dragon?*"

gentleaegis HAHA. GOTCHA. You stretch your hands out as faaaaaar as they'll go. "A very big one! I'm sure there are still teeth lingering around the hive somewhere that you can see to prove it's real. We were all very impressed."

aberrantcadenza "A dragon!!" You're grinning widely, and your little pawfeet are doing baby kicks from where they hang above the floor. You can't be any more excited than this without spilling your tea. "I'll look for them! But tea first."

gentleaegis SOS mother in distress: you want to just scoop her up and squeeze her. CUTE CUTE. "Good idea! The teeth will still be there later but the tea only stays warm so long. You did a good job. Should I get more of that kind or do you want to try something new next time?"

aberrantcadenza :O ! "I want to try something new! But not if you have to get it. This is good!"

gentleaegis "Hmm..." You tap your chin, trying to come up with a solution. "How about when this one runs out we can try something new then. Does that sound more fair?"

aberrantcadenza That sounds like the perfect plan to you, and not wasteful at all. It's important not to waste. You nod. "Okay!"

gentleaegis Eyyyy! "So what's the plan then. After tea find your cool treasures and meet some more people? Or maybe a nap? I know it must be tiring learning all these new things..."

aberrantcadenza You're about to talk about all the thrilling mischief you plan to partake in, but a yawn interrupts you. You *are* kind of tired.

"I want to explore," you tell her. "Catnap first. Then exploring." You finish your tea, and stand to go wash out your cup. "Thank you Mom."

gentleaegis "Good idea. But remember if you're going outside to tell someone where you are so we don't get worried, alright?"

Ahhhh the not being her *real* mom talk can wait for later. She looks happy and you can't quite bring yourself to ruin that.

aberrantcadenza You wash your cup, put it on the "clean" side of the counter (you can't reach the cabinet), and go to give her a hug. "Yes'm."

gentleaegis "Thank you sweetheart. I'll put that away in a bit." You give her a little squeeze and press a kiss or three to the top of her head. "Don't stay out too late, okay?"

aberrantcadenza You confirm with a nod and a "mm-hm!", and with your hug given, you trot off to go take your nap. Adventure awaits! - after a snooze.

[amourete-blog1]

(( famous last words feat. bodencus ampora

tagging: @wwickedspirits @sugaryexcess @hereticalsym69ls @9hosis

blanket warnings for: torture, mutilation, self-destructive tendencies/mindset, suicidal ideation? maybe?, idk if keeping “pet” trolls counts as slavery but it’s definitely sketchy and that’s a big focus in this log too.

wwickedspirits c3< hi

amourete Hi! Good evening! X33

wwickedspirits wwhats up howw are you doin

amourete Sitting with Lil, meowstly. I'm trying to keep him calm, since things are still tense here. What's up with you? :00

wwickedspirits im just sad and alone i might go vvisit sugary soon has anything neww happened

amourete No, no news yet. Why are you going to visit Sugary? :??

wwickedspirits because i just am i havvent seen her in a wwhile an noww that shes like this she might wwant me again

amourete She didn't want you before? :??

wwickedspirits i mean she doesnt really care about me anymore the regular her because she doesnt wwant people to wworship her anymore

amourete You worshipped her?

wwickedspirits i servved her i just wworked for her and i wwas vvery revverent of her

amourete And you want to go back to her now, even though you know this is tempurrary?

wwickedspirits yes it may be the only chance ill get and she especially wwants me noww cause a my blood

amourete ??? What about your blood is attractive to her?

wwickedspirits its special rare she said its pretty an she said shed let me vvisit once i told her about it an showwed her a picture a myself

amourete I... That. Doesn't really sound safe. The fact that she's fixating on your blood sounds extremely sketchy. If you're going to see her, do you have a way to get back if things go wrong?

wwickedspirits uh i could probably fight her or her guards if she has them i knoww her battleship really wwell i used to basically live there

amourete "Probably?"

wwickedspirits wwell i dunno im really powwerful but ivve nevver fought her before

amourete Please be on your guard. If you need help, you know where I am. I don't trust this...

wwickedspirits itll be ok if she takes me in again itll be wworth anything

amourete :(( Why do you want that so badly?

wwickedspirits my wwhole life ivve just been tryin to be good enough to servve an empress its the most important thing i can do an evven though THE empress is gone its still gratifying to be able to carry out that purpose

amourete She's talking like she has the intention of making you her pet.

wwickedspirits she didnt say that though wwhen i asked staff or pet she said yeah wwhich means theres at least some staff in there

amourete sent a post: T)(ree now,...

amourete She's been reporting on her "pet total" since this started. She's counting you as a pet.

wwickedspirits if i wwas just gonna be a pet she wwoulda just said pet ok but she didnt say pet to the other question staff/pet is better than unwwanted useless failure

amourete ?? Who told you you were an unwanted useless failure?

wwickedspirits evveryone i kneww in my childhood

amourete Holy *shit* Bodencus.

wwickedspirits haha

amourete Okay, *well.* If it's serving an empress you want, why don't we find one that will actually respect you for what you can do? You're extremely skilled and very smart, Bo. You deserve *much* better than being a pet.

wwickedspirits no its ok i really like her

amourete No it's not okay? It's not okay at all?? Bo she *tortures* people??

wwickedspirits she let me do lots a things wwhen i actually wworked for her and if im a pet shell lovve me she wwouldnt torture a pet

amourete Are you sure about that?

wwickedspirits it makes sense doesnt it wwho wwould torture a pet

amourete Xanthe's been through her system before. He told me that if she took him, and if I asked to go with him in the event that she did, she might ask us for "ingredients." Actual pieces of our bodies. Our blood. And saying "no" isn't an option. If you disobey her? It will be worse. If you don't like what she does, it doesn't matter, because you are entirely under her command. *I* love you. *Cho* loves you. If you want to be somewhere where someone loves you, come here, stay with me. If you still feel like you want to see her after a night here, I won't argue, I'm just... I'm worried about you. At least with me you have your free will.

wwickedspirits thats fine ivve givven blood before in large amounts evven i used to sell it for paint wwhen i wwas broke im used to it and i can noww because nicco is givving me another chance an nicco likes her so itll be fine wwith him

amourete What if you don't come back?

wwickedspirits like wwhat she couldnt kill me i could destroy her wwhole ship im a god

amourete Like what if I don't get to see you again? What if she doesn't let you leave? What if you don't get to return to your ship or see me and Chosis or anyone else? What if she hurts you, physically OR mentally, and you don't come back the same?

wwickedspirits the anon wwont last forevver so i think its safe to day ill be back at some point and im already so fucked up i doubt she could make me any wworse ivve had much much wworse dont wworry about me ill be fine chosis is talkin to their old boyfriend they got wwith as revvenge to me after breakin up wwith me that one time or at least thats my interpretation

amourete What the fuck? Hold on, did they TELL you that?

wwickedspirits no no no its just they got wwith them after ending their one day relationship wwith me so id alwways assumed but they did tell me theyre talkin to him again

amourete Okay, this is conversational whiplash, so please excuse the suddenness of this, but I... I don't think you can make that assumption? You should talk to them. Please talk to them. Ask them if that's what they're doing, if only to confirm, so then you *know* you have a reason to be upset. What if you're upsetting yourself for no reason?

wwickedspirits ok im not upset im just judgemental i havve to go noww anywway

amourete Bo... Bo please don't go.

wwickedspirits wwhy itll be fine

amourete :((

amourete Okay. I just... Okay. Be careful. Don't pull anything. I love you.

wwickedspirits i wwont do anything dangerous

amourete You already are.

wwickedspirits i knoww her really wwell i knoww howw she is i promise ill be safe i lovve you too

[amourete-blog1]

(( and THIS is the log i actually fell asleep during. sorry tae. it seems like it ends abruptly and that’s bc the last message is one i actually sent when i woke up the next day and it was ungodly early in tae’s time zone. this happened during feli’s visit w clams.

tagging: @brackishbarracuda @vvicissitudo @9hosis and i should be tagging the rest of the muses here but, all the muns have been tagged at least, so let’s leave it there for simplicity’s sake?

this log goes over pretty much everything that happened so here’s an advance warning for: amputation, serious violence, child harm.

begin log:

Last Friday at 8:26 PM

amourete I know your AI or whatever robot bullshit is on right now, I don't know if you'll ever get this, but just... Come home soon. Please. I don't know why you left and I trust you to make decisions like that for yourself, but Clams is here and ready to fight for you and your home and I'm here with him, everyone's worried. I hope you're safe. I hope you're well. I love you. Yesterday at 4:35 AM

brackishbarracuda felide ?

amourete Oh my god it's you You're safe??

brackishbarracuda yeah im im safe im ha i was gonna say im alright but thats but no im okay im safe

amourete Okay. That's a start, isn't it? We can build on that.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel i didnt mean for any a this

amourete Did you think I assumed you did?

brackishbarracuda im ready for the worst from literally everybody right now especially from you

amourete You're not a weapon, Meenah. You're not borne of mindless violence and you don't break everything you touch. You're an angel, with all their destructive power when you choose, but there is still a choice involved. You know your anger. You know the blood you carry. You know what you can do because you've seen it a thousand times. I knew you wouldn't have done this without a *very* good reason. I just don't know what it is. I want to hear it from you.

brackishbarracuda aya was burnt my youngest the one with the fever

amourete Burnt?

brackishbarracuda im saury words are really fucky right now i got a message that said ayad been burnt after id left her with cho

brackishbarracuda she was screaming when i got there i ?? panicked is the only fucking word for it

amourete Do you remember what happened?

brackishbarracuda there was a knife and i fought sal and cho was holdin her she was already blistering i she was so loud fel i lunged and i took chos arm and if were done isle understand

amourete We're not done. Don't give up on me. Please. That's the last thing I want.

amourete Where is Aya? How bad are her burns? Was it fire, a stove?

brackishbarracuda give up on you felide i maimed your club im shes where i am shes bein taken care of theyre psi burns

amourete I know what you did but god damnit I've dated *both* of you for the same amount of time and I'm not leaving you to fucking burn if there's *something* we can salvage from this. I love you. I love them. This is only a point of no return if we make it so and I REFUSE to make it so.

brackishbarracuda felide i need a minute

amourete Take every minute you need. I'll be here. I always will be.

brackishbarracuda im here do you have uh questions

amourete A lot. Do you know what's going on here at home?

brackishbarracuda isle do the best i can youre with clams hes armored up

brackishbarracuda there will be no world in which i can thank you enough for lookin out for him

amourete And Cho and Sal? Vis? What do you know about them right now?

brackishbarracuda nothing

amourete Oh, good. I had been afraid someone angrier than me had gotten to you first.

amourete Cho is with Nicco. Lucy says he's a skilled medic - I believe her. They're alive, but injured. I don't think I need to tell you that. Lucy said Cho is asleep. Clams says they're compatose. I don't know which is true, I haven't had the time to find out. Either way, they're unavailable.

brackishbarracuda im buyin them a new one if theyll let me it aint gonna make anything right but i dont know what else to do

amourete Clams said something about Sal malfunctioning? I... don't know what's going on. I don't know where he is. I'm scared to find out. I can't stand talking to the fucking AIs for too long because it freaks me out not talking to them, but seeing their names. I'll... deal But not now. Vis is with Vici. He's scared out of his mind. Vici says he's been trying to distract Vis from thinking about what happened because every time he does, it's... bad. But he's physically safe, physically unharmed. Because of all these things, you are the first and currently the *only* one who was there, bore witness and knows what happened. Whatever you know, write it down. Tell me, tell Clams, I don't care, *write it down.* As honestly as you can.

brackishbarracuda im telling everybody you clams tuna arlequin kan my kid was hurt and i fucked up

amourete I know. I know you want to make it right - we're going to work on that, but with Cho out of commission right now, we can't. You need a record you can come back to, something reliable to remind you of what you saw and heard and did.

amourete You know right now, but my worry is that it will be less fresh in your mind as time goes on... You were afraid. You panicked. Those memories don't last long.

amourete Hey, baby?

brackishbarracuda y yeah yes

amourete Thank you for not running from this. Thank you for facing it. I know it took time. I'm glad you did it.

brackishbarracuda where did you come from i mean not that fuck

amourete Try again. :PP

brackishbarracuda i feel more selfish than i have in a long time telling you this like i have any right to it but i love you

amourete I love you too. That's why I'm here. I'm not giving up on you, so don't give up on me. We're going to make it through this. We'll find a way. I don't know what the future holds, but we're going to face it and come out okay on the other side. All of us.

amourete I'm upset that this happened. I'm worried. Cho is hurt, and I love them. I've been angry and frustrated, but those aren't directed at you: right now what I feel most of all is concern, for everyone.

brackishbarracuda howd a troll with a heart that big get hatched

amourete With a tail, apparently. :PP

brackishbarracuda so thats where all the extra patience wnt

brackishbarracuda went fuck

amourete :** I know you didn't mean to do this. I know you better than that. Yes, though, it still hurt... And I'm not one of the ones most hurt either. You know this. I know you do. You already know the weight of this, I don't need to tell you. I want to support you doing what you can to try to make this right. Right now, I'm just glad you're okay. When Cho is here, we can figure out everything else.

brackishbarracuda how many times am i gonna cry tonight fuck

amourete Too many.

brackishbarracuda naut enough

amourete When are you coming home?

brackishbarracuda not yet i dont know not for a few days at least the last thing i want is targets on yalls back for this im uh im at dirks btw

amourete I've lived hundreds of sweeps with a target on my back. No troll alive could kill me in my first life, and no one will in this life either.

amourete Stay there as long as you need. I just wanted to know - I won't tell anyone but your partners, should they ask. And Mituna. For anyone else, they'll have to ask you.

brackishbarracuda thank you i have done nothin in my life to deserve you

amourete You can keep telling yourself that, or you can do something about it. Now you're coming up to a chance to do just that. Make me proud. I love you. I want you to know that. I love you so much.

brackishbarracuda fuck fel

brackishbarracuda its its down

amourete It's down?

brackishbarracuda what happened

brackishbarracuda all that i can remember

amourete You actually did it. Fuck. I didn't think you would. :'33

brackishbarracuda you asked me to what else was i gonna do

amourete Anything else? I'm still just so... Out of it. God.

brackishbarracuda if you if you wake up tomorrow and realize im unforgiveable isle understand

amourete Baby, no...

amourete Listen. I'm not the one to make that decision. You never struck me. Seek forgiveness from them first, when you can.

brackishbarracuda why arent you pissed at me

amourete Because being angry at you would do nothing but drive a wedge between us.

[amourete-blog1]

(( a quick prologue behind the log with sugary. brief mentions of severe injury (blood loss)

tagging: @wwickedspirits @hereticalsym69ls @sugaryexcess

begin log:

hereticalsym69ls Felide, she dropped Bo off on his ship, but not without taking a Lot of his blood first. I'm worried about him and he needs someone to tend to him. He keeps asking where we are, I think he wants to come where she is still.

amourete I'm going over.

hereticalsym69ls Thank you.

hereticalsym69ls I've had to ask her to go back and heal him, he kept insisting he's dying and his arms won't move. I had to mention that him dying would upset you, though I didn't say why. It was the most immediate thing I could think of.

amourete Xanthe I'm *there* right now!!

hereticalsym69ls God damnit. And can you tell Bo I'm not hurt, he seems convinced I am. Note to self: I need to remember when to stop.

amourete It's okay. We'll um... We'll figure something out. I can fake nice. The fear is real.

hereticalsym69ls Haha... she thinks fear is cute.

amourete God FUCKING damnit.

hereticalsym69ls Are you okay? Aside from the fear.

amourete Haha, no? My life mate is still in candy coated hell and my greymate has been *completely drained of blood*, no I'm not okay!!

hereticalsym69ls Okay, that's understandable and I completely walked into and deserve that.

amourete No... No you didn't. I'm sorry. That was mean. I'm not feeling good at all. I'm worried and frustrated and scared out of my mind. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I love you.

hereticalsym69ls No, I do deserve it. You have the right to be afraid and upset, even mad. It's a bad situation and nothing good is happening right now. And I haven't done anything to make you feel any more at ease.

amourete It's not as if you could.

hereticalsym69ls If I hadn't gone, it wouldn't be as bad as it is for you.

amourete And what can you do about that now?

amourete I know you're doing the best you can. Just talking to me is so much... But I shouldn't let my frustration get the better of me either way. You're still my partner, you deserve to be treated with respect.

hereticalsym69ls As do you. I'm sorry, I'm acting on my own a lot here. It's unfair to you.

amourete I appreciate that, but with all due respect? Apologize when you're home and safe in my arms.

hereticalsym69ls Alright.

amourete I love you.

hereticalsym69ls I love you, too. I should be home tomorrow. For a while at least.

[amourete-blog1]

(( i fell asleep before i could post this one but, sequel to this log w clams, ftf. this isn’t technically done-done bc at the end of what’s posted here, we made a discord to rp with three people instead of two, but it was like 6am so i ended up snoozing rather abruptly. orz

tagging: @vvicissitudo @brackishbarracuda @9hosis @apisobscurus

begin log:

vvicissitudo > You wake up and it's dark. Amice has dimmed the lights a little, likely knowing Felide is more at home in lower levels of light. You feel like you slept on.. well, a plank of wood, but you're rested, and you stir, stretching quietly.

> You don't want to open your eyes yet. Things might have gone to shit. Please not yet. Just a few more minutes, dad...

amourete You're sitting on one step with your back to the wall, your knees pulled up to your chest, your arms crossed over them. You look over when you see him stir, watching the way he moves. He seems to be awake...

"You can sleep more if you'd like. It seems like you needed it."

vvicissitudo Nnnf. You're up now, you guess. You roll up to sit, sighing out. "... No, it's fine. I'm a deepwaterdweller, my metabolism is slow and a little goes a long way.... How is everything? Any news?"

Your fins twitch, and you look over to her, the tiny amount of gold threaded into your eyebrow in the form of two small rings raising.

amourete "Yeah, yeah." You roll your eyes, bringing a smile to your face. "Good news and not-so-good. The good news is, Vici *did* know where Vis is. He's safe at Vici's place, unharmed."

vvicissitudo > You settle back, relaxing a little. "... That's good. What's... The not so good?"

> Your phone buzzes and you lean over. When you see who its from you quickly pick it up, drop it, and pick it up again, to type fervently on it, Felide ignored for the moment.

amourete You let him do as he pleases, waiting for breaks to speak.

"The not so good is that he's in a bad way. He's very shaken - can't talk about what happened without breaking down. So he's not physically injured, but he does seem to have some... mental strain, at least from an initial reaction." You frown. "Time will tell if it stays or goes. Vici said he doesn't want to leave Vis alone. He did, however, say that he wanted to see you, and -"

You look at your wrist, where you've scribbled in old Alternian script all the things Vici had asked you to pass along.  "Said that if you needed a place to hide, to come to him. He also sent me a lullaby to give to you, infused with hope powers. I'd like to get that off my phone as soon as I can, if it's possible."

vvicissitudo > You look up from your phone, to listen to Felide. There's a smile on your face, soft and loving and god, it's like you just lost a decade or two of age, and its easy to see why Meenah fell in love with you. The smile keeps up as Felide talks, and falls when she mentions the lullaby.

"Oh, uh, right. Here, let me see your phone." You hold out your hand and stand. Vis is okay!! And Meenah is okay!!

amourete You hand it over willingly, unlocked. That's trust right there. "He said you should probably listen with headphones. I... Don't touch godly stuff with a ten foot pole, so that's likely best. Otherwise I wouldn't mind listening... Singing is such a soothing sound."

vvicissitudo > You walk over and place the phone on a stand, on a small end table. "Amice, download the lullaby, delete all traces of it from the phone in question, and save it to my archives, please..."

> A smooth, light voice replies, -(Of course.)-

Then you turn, to look at Felide. "... Meenah texted me." you say quietly.

amourete Amice. You commit the name to memory, pairing it with the voice. You aren't familiar with technology enough to know how they function, but you know some AIs speak like this - and you assume that's what Amice is. You'd find out later that you were right.

The truth is, you value voices above little else. They're soothing, and listening to Clams and even Amice talking has helped you calm significantly in just the past minute.

When Clams speaks again, though, you're on alert. "She did? Wh - can you say that she said?"

vvicissitudo > You nod, staring into your phone some more.

And then you choke a little. and one hand goes to your mouth, and tears bead at the corners of your eyes.

> It's one thing to know she maimed someone, it's another thing to hear her say it, to describe it, to hear her tell you about your child screaming in pain, how bad the burns really are.

"She... She said she wants you to know everything. She... She said she took Cho's arm... Aya's burnt real bad, even on her face, I..."

You sit down. Your legs are weak. Your head is spinning.

amourete You move the instant you see him falter. "Clams - Clams, focus on me. Focus on my voice."

Your hands move faster than your voice, catching him under his arms to help lower him to the floor. It's careful, cautious. "Breathe in, deep for me. Take a break. I think you jumped back to this stress too quickly..."

vvicissitudo It's so hard to take a breath, so hard to look at the words on the screen and know.... Meenah is at fault here. You don't know what to do about it. She jumped to conclusions, and heavily overreacted, and you want to tell her, you can tell her, but you don't want to tell her, to see the look on her face...

Felides voice cuts through your head, and you listen, and you take a breath, and you drop your palmhusk to the ground, and breathe.

amourete You don't think to catch the palmhusk - that's half-stupid, in retrospect, but by the time it occurs to you, the moment has passed. It has a case anyway, to hell with it. Your eyes are entirely on Clams and you're kneeling in front of him, one hand on his shoulder and another where he can reach it, if he chooses to take it.

"It's going to be okay. No matter what. We're going to make it through this, come hell or high water." You stay in his field of vision, softly, gently watching him. "Just focus on me for right now. Everything else can come later. Deep breaths - you're doing great."

vvicissitudo You close your eyes and focus on her voice. "She did it," You whisper. "She didn't even... know who hurt Aya, she just assumed it was Chosis, and just assumed it was malicious intent. She did it in cold blood, I don't... I knew she was having some issues... But she didn't even... know..."

You're flabberghasted, you're floored, you're absolutely... "God, there's no way this is going to end good for anyone, it's her fault if it was an accident, and theres no way to tell, cho is comatose and sal is malfunctioning, and vis can't talk, I..."

No, deep breaths. Deeeeep breaths. You rest your weight there, and breathe.

amourete "Shhhh." You urge him silent, all but begging him to breathe. Between his panic you can pick out the information you need, and all of it confirms your worst fears. You wait until he's breathing somewhat evenly.

"There will be time for this. That time is not now. Cho will wake up. Sal and Vis will heal. Meenah will come home, and we will find a way. She's not unreasonable - we can work with this. It isn't the end."

vvicissitudo You drag your hands down your face, moan softly, groan too. When you open your eyes, they're... strange. Like tiny computers, but the overlay fades  after a moment, and you gesture with a hand to her phone on the stand. "... She wants to talk to you."

amourete That... was weird.

You move to the stand, inspecting the console thoroughly as you walk. Before you take your phone, your motions resemble that of a bow, your hands clasped, and you accompany it with a "thank you" soft enough that you hope he doesn't hear - but you have no way of knowing.

"She can reach me however she likes, whenever she likes. She knows that. What, um..." You hesitate, then gesture to your eyes. "What was this?" Meaning, the computer screen look.

vvicissitudo Nnf. "Dangerous body mod," You explain quietly. "I never wanted to be without access to a phone or leave meenah without a way to find me forever again..."

You say what you can without saying that you've got the same mental uplink software in your head as Sal does, because Felide won't know how to handle that, you think.

amourete Good thinking, Clams.

"Technology is amazing," is what you offer in reply, with a little smile. You give him a little nudge, but you're almost afraid that small motion will send him tumbling down the steps, armor and all.

"Come sit with me. I'll talk to her. Thank you."

vvicissitudo You shuffle over to her and sigh. You... You don't think Sal is coming. He'll have cooled off a little by now, and you're pretty sure he won't leave Cho anyway...

You begin to strip off the top layer of your armor. The cloak comes off, the pauldrons disattach, the arm guards... You leave the torso plating and neck guard on, though. You're not /stupid/ and that's the hardest part to get on.

"Alright..."

amourete You watch this display with some amount of fascination, an amused smile growing on your face.

"And here, we observe the seadweller in his natural environment, shedding his skin..." Your voice mimics a nature documentary you saw once, exaggerated and deep, with an accent you can't place. "He will peel off layers to stow away for the cold dark seasons, at which time he will take arms against whichever enemies may battle for his turf."

vvicissitudo > You can't help but laugh, and shove her lightly... And then you get a dawning look of realization, and you look up the stairs. "... I... I forgot, I..."

You're a bad person, you're a terrible person. How could you forget theres someone else here. Someone who's probably more hurt by meenah being gone than you are.

amourete ?

You're confused. "You forgot?"

vvicissitudo > You bring out your palmhusk and type furiously on it, anything else all but forgotten.

"Mituna... Meenahs' mituna. He's so quiet sometimes, I forget he's here... He has, uh, issues, her leavin can't have been good.."

As you type, your brow furrows more into the worry lines most people know and love as your own grow more into existance. You were right, tuna isn't good. Aggh. What do you do.

amourete You fold your fingers together, watching him worry. You let him operate in silence for a minute, then say, "If he's here, invite him to the stair picnic."

This is obvious for you. It's just the best possible plan. Your encampment here on the stairs is officially deemed "the stair picnic."

vvicissitudo You nod, and begin typing up on your phone. "Yeah, I'll invite him down. Gimme a sec."

> You do so, and then show her the small log.

[05:39] LS: hey [05:39] LS: you wwant to come dowwn to the first floor [05:39] LS: share some food [05:39] LS: felide is here [05:39] LS: do you knoww her [05:39] LS: shes meenahs red [05:39] AO: K1ND 0F [05:39] AO: 4 L177L3 [05:39] AO: 1 [05:39] AO: 1LL C0M3 JU57 [05:39] AO: H4NG 0N [05:39] LS: alright

Then you speak. "So uh, we're hanging on I guess."