if I had a nickel for every thunderbolts actor AND their dad that I had a crush on, I'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot but its weird that its happened twice right??
(I've made 3 posts in this format. this is my niche)
I feel like we're about to be getting life-altering cinema with these two in Spaceballs 2 together, like what if the whole Lone Starr/Starburst dynamic is just a more exaggerated version of that Emo Kylo Ren Twitter account Ebony Dark'nessing his way through life and hating his dad and beefing with everybody while trying to apply for a job at Hot Topic. Seriously we are on the precipice of potentially witnessing The Movie Ever. The world is not ready 😭
watched spaceballs for the first time last night (space movie streak is up to 3 now) and gotta say if you haven't seen it you are missing out on some of the dumbest fucking peak cinema ever. also young bill pullman playing a literal space cowboy... waiter waiter! another one please
i also. was struck with a vision of. captain lone starr from spaceballs. *ungracefully slides a crumpled up twenty and a maple butter freeze towards you* what’ll this get me
Captain Lone Starr Headcanons
It gets you EVERYTHING MY LOVE
Divider by @/olenvasynyt
Hooooo boy this man is a SLOB lemme tell ya
BUT I will say he could be scared into cleaning up his act (literally and figuratively) with a bit of strategic scheming
Despite his slovenly ways, he does know how to show a person a good time. Has zero limits. He'll spend the entire night out with you, isn't afraid to dance if you drag him onto the floor and will match you drink for drink, no matter how ridiculous it makes him look.
If you decide to spend the night with him, he is reeling. Gives you a very shaky grin and mumbles, "Gimme a minute-" before sprinting to the nearest payphone.
He frantically calls Barf and begs the mog to clear out the Winnebago before the two of you arrive.
"Well, where the heck am I supposed to go? The cargo hold?"
"Look, buddy, just figure it out!" He hisses into the payphone, flapping a hand at the receiver as if Barf can see him through it, "I'll, uh... I'll clean the bathroom for a month-"
"You never clean the bathroom-"
"Ah, shit-"
By some miracle, the 'Bago is clean and blessedly empty by the time the two of you arrive. It sort of smells like dog, and you're a bit confused when you search the place top to bottom and don't see one, but that all goes out the window in a flurry of sloppy, alcohol-fueled kisses.
Waking up the next day with a raging hangover only to discover that Lone Starr doesn't have a dog- he has a mog. A mog that's standing in the bedroom doorway with two mugs of steaming, delightful smelling coffee and grinning at the two of you like he doesn't know exactly what happened in here last night.
Gleefully announces, "Hi, I'm Barf!" and almost wakes the captain with how loudly he introduces himself. You have to go through the motions of asking if his name is short for something else, and over that mug of lovely coffee, the two of you end up holding a rather nice conversation with him while Lone Starr snores away next to you. Barf is always suspicious of newcomers- not ready to sacrifice any of the time that he and the Captain spend together, but you seem unobtrusive enough. He tentatively decides that he likes you as the man in question finally wakes and sits up with an obnoxious groan.
Does the cartoon character "scream and snatch sheets up to cover himself" move
"What the hell do you think you're doing!?"
"Saying hi to your date!"
"In my bedroom?"
"Door's open-"
Cue a well-aimed shoe that mashes the control panel near Barf's shoulder and closes the door in his face. The mog reaches through the gap to wave at you while it shuts.
Once Lone Starr learns there's a nonzero chance of a second date with you, he's more than a little terrified. You? Want... him? Asks you more than once if you were dropped on your head as a kid.
The prospect of seeing you more often sort of kicks his ass into gear. Brings the 'Bago in for one (1) detail and charges the astronomical fee to Pizza's address. It doesn't even look like the same vehicle by the time he gets it back. Was the carpet really always supposed to be beige??
Doesn't do a complete 180 and become a clean freak, but he does start to maintain it a little better on the off-chance that you come back (you do, and he pretends to be all nonchalant about it, but he's secretly screaming on the inside).
Type of guy to do stuff for you and play it off as no big deal. He got you a dorky keychain from the Venus gambling district? He just saw it and remembered green was your favorite color, y'know? Jacket over your shoulders cause you're getting cold while you sit around the fire? Well, don't get too attached to it- it's his signature thing. Just uh... give it back before you go home, yeah?
Weirdly good at scrounging meals together. After years of living paycheck to paycheck and way too many nights where he hasn't been able to afford a nice meal out, give him a fridge full of useless odds and ends and there's an 85% chance he can make something out of it. Doesn't have any set list of recipes- just rawdogs it and throws the finished product in a plastic bowl. Presentation isn't important, but taste and mileage are.
"What is this?"
"Uhhh, I dunno. Call it 'Purple Cheese-Lover's Delight,' or somethin'."
Pretends not to be big on PDA, but he's the first to grab your hand while you're walking down a street or reach for it when he wants to lead you toward something. Make a comment and his fingers will tighten around yours while he tosses his hair and snarks, "Yeah- so what?"
"Double payout for salvaging the cannisters- yeah, baby!" Does the dorkiest fist bump secret handshake combo you've ever seen with Barf, then wheels around and snags you for a very clumsy kiss. Lifts you so your feet leave the ground, then sets you down with a nervous little titter, lips quirking into a shaky smirk. Clears his throat, fingers fiddling with the sides of your shirt, and there's a bright blush that's quickly spreading from his collar to his ears as he mutters, "Uh, dinner's on me. Livin' large, and all that. Wherever you wanna go."
Barf is quick to interject, ears flattening with obvious outrage, "What about me?"
"Yeah, yeah, you're invited, too."
Please let Barf third-wheel. He's not trying to be weird- he wants to get to know you, and the Cap seems to like you a lot. He's cleaning for you, for christ's sake! That's gotta mean you're pretty damned important. The mog is happy for his partner, obviously, but he's also excited about the prospect of making a new friend after so many years of being stuck with the same guy for company.
Dates consist of fun meals at a diner followed by partying it up (he just got paid), parking in the wilderness of some random planet and camping out for a few days (Pizza has a temporary bounty out on him and he's hiding from the authorities), or lazy days in the R.V. (he ran out of money but he still wants to see you). Either way, he's a very "whatever" kind of person. He's still amazed that you even want to spend time with him, considering how he lives and who he lives with, so he'll do just about anything if it means getting to see you again.
