#long post ---

[yosjiefo]

i made a new brush for doodling so i wanted to test it out

bonus leif + ares in fuyuki casual wear:

[twilighttheater-archive]

You dream that your friends are back with you. You ca

Things have worked out.

And you're not you. You're never going to be the same again. You know this, drifting with your friends in a car through one of the older back roads. Green's laughing, Blue leans over and kisses your cheek. Nothing bad happened. You actually can feel a little fuzz on your face now.

Things worked out.

Green's driving. He looks at you, says something you don't hear. You both don't see the other car coming.

You can't wake up.

He's not usually lucid during dreams, but seeing Green's face clues him in immediately to the fact that this is a dream. A fact he hates is disheartening, but he doesn't try to force himself awake or anything... he supposes there's no harm with indulging in a dream scenario where everything feels fine.

Green's shifting through his bag up front, fruitlessly looking for something while Red tries to look out the window from his spot in the back. He almost doesn't recognize his own reflection, but he still believes that he is himself... it's not like he's dreaming of an alternative version of himself, surely.

He's startled by Blue snapping him out of his thoughts, he only just realized that she's sitting next to him. She's the happiest he's ever seen her, and idly he wonders what could be going through her mind if this was real. Were they together, here? He doesn't dare ask, but she is amused with the fact she managed to surprise him. Saying something about him spacing out while watching the trees pass by.

He smiles, he almost feels comfortable... yet there is still some form of unease to him. Green still hasn't stopped shuffling through his bag, the same repetitive motion and sounds. Almost like audio skipping over the same moment repeatedly, and Red offers to help. To his surprise Green looks at him gratefully giving him the go ahead with a smile.

He reaches to try, but the world falls away in an instant. He barely sees anything at all for a moment. His ears are ringing, his head is pounding, the sound of creaking metal is the only thing that reaches him in his daze. It's a dream. It's a dream. He tries to repeat to himself, but through tired eyes he sees Green sitting in the front eerily still. Blood is leaking from his head-- it's doing so from Red as well, he comes to learn.

He's shuddering as fear courses through him, but he forces himself to look for Blue. Her state isn't any better, the glass to her window has cracked with her head leaning against it. The glass is stained red, he can't tell if she's breathing.

He tries to move his mouth to scream for them both-- but finds his voice is nowhere to be found. It feels like ages that he sits there, in agony, tears running down his face and not a sound to be heard from him. Nobody arrives for them, darkness clouds around him.

Even there it feels like it doesn't end, just sitting in a void and still unable to make a sound or express anything at all. He tries to fight back against this dream-- wake up. Wake up. Please for the love of Mew wake up--

He does, but it's the worst he's ever felt on waking, every part of him aches like he was truly there. He reaches for his pokegear and reflexively he wants to call them-- he's still in tears just like before. He reaches his contacts and almost tries to call Blue.

But logic catches up to him, it was a nightmare... just... a really awful nightmare. He wasn't going to wake her over that of all things, and... it wouldn't matter if he did try to call Green.

He gives an unsteady sigh, feeling as though his mind had been played with somehow. But if it had been, he was unaware of how, and simply grateful it hadn't been real.

[yewfallen]

   You had been twelve when you had killed your first victim.

You had left your village, bow in hand, looking around the big, wide world outside of what little you had known, looking for someone— anyone, really. You hadn't cared who it was, so long as it wasn't someone you knew.

You hadn't even learned his name before you had shot him through the throat. You watched as he bled, waited in the bushes to make sure he wasn't going to be moving, and then you had descended upon his belongings, taking what you could for yourself.

It had been a kill done just to see if you could. You had hunted game before, but you had never hunted humans.

You think about that guy sometimes. You wonder where he was going, where he'd come from, if he had been ready to die. In Jugdral, death comes quickly for many. Perhaps you were to be burned. Perhaps you were to be sent to the child hunts. Perhaps you were to go down in glory as some epic knight on the battlefield.

But you're grateful for the guy by the end of it. His corpse had been the proof that you could kill people, and you would exchange that service for money. It is in his death that you found out how to survive, and it is in his blood you found the strength to support the lives of many.

You took your shiny bow all the way to House Friege, and you had shed the act of a father to orphans. For their sakes, you hardened your gaze, hardened your voice, and eventually you hardened your heart too.

You found out royalty has a lot more people they want dead than you expected, but it works out for you, really. Who cares if some heir being set up for an advantageous marriage dies? Who cares if some noble vying for a region of land dies?

You don't. You never cared too much about the affairs of the aristocracy, and you know if you started, you wouldn't be able to do your job, and if you can't do your job, then the little ones back home will be the ones to pay for it.

You burn the image of them starving some days, moaning in pain against untended to illnesses other days, and you use it to remind yourself why you are right to kill every single name that comes your way on a contract.

Humans can do anything, so long as they believe they're doing the right thing after all.

The money comes in as do the hits. You've lost count of how many people you've killed, how many political conflicts you've influenced with your actions, and so on. You just know House Friege is happy, and so long as they are, you can make the children counting on you back home happy too.

Your days of no longer caring end however when you are told a new, unexpected name to kill:

Seliph Baldos Chalphy.

Though you try to remain ignorant to the world of nobles, you've heard the news. Seliph, son of traitor Sigurd and Imperial Empress Deirdre, is leading the rebel force through Isaach and is rallying the first, real threat to the Grannvale Empire.

So he's making his way down to the Munster District too, huh.

Your conscience begins to gnaw at you, and for the first time, you reject a contract. However, when your King tells you just how much money he's willing to pay you for this job, you find you no longer can.

The little ones need you. And so you set out.

                                          —————————

Lots of things have happened since then.

You had quit your job at your sister's plea. You had joined the army of the very man you had been contracted to kill, and you had discovered you were a noble yourself, and you had found a new way to support the orphans through that.

But that did not give you the happy ending you were looking for. You went back to Munster, hoping to find your mother, and in doing so, you had been swept out to sea and wound up on Adrestian shores instead.

Once more, you find yourself chained to another house of blue-bloods: this time, you are the ward to House Guillaume. Their liege likes you for the same reasons House Friege had: the holy bow on your back.

Lady Guillaume wants you to stay with her forever. She thinks you shall.

You had thought so too, but things have changed.

You remember your home. You remember your desire to go back. One day, your family members attending Garreg Mach will return to Yngvi, and you will want to join them.

But you can't— not for as long as you are indebted to House Guillaume. Not for as long as they maintain power over you and can send any number of people to hunt you. Not for as long as they hold their investments into you over your head, and they could potentially affect House Yngvi's politics by being linked to you, House Yngvi's rightful heir.

And so you pick up your bow again, and you prowl the night. You enter the underbelly of Fódlan, and you allow your skills to go to the highest bidder. You shoot Yewfelle's arrows, killing any number of people for any number of reasons given, but the only reason you care for is the money.

You had gotten yourself into this mess, and you'd be using this newfound money to find your way out.

You had found a way to justify killing people once; you can do it again. No matter the fairytale backstory you are given, at your heart, you know what you are: you're a killer, and perhaps you always will be.

CLASS MASTERED: Assassin.

[nonfayth]

a deep dive into the home life of bern’s royal family, and why zephiel became the man he does when he grows up. whilst some headcanons are made here, it’s mostly just me extrapolating what we already know in canon.

tw: emotional abuse and toxic parenting under the cut.

king desmond and queen hellene were wed out of an entirely political marriage, and although hellene was excited at the prospect of having the opportunity to be a good wife and mother, she would never have the chance to truly be seen as the former due to the fact that desmond harbored affections for his actual paramour, a bernese woman of common birth. he would never be able to marry the love of his life due to both status reasons as well as how bern sought out the advantages of linking themselves with one of etruria’s most noble families, thus giving them a link to another major power in the continent. it would be foolish, in the bernese court’s eyes, to refuse the marriage offer from hellene’s family then.

though he could not officially be with his paramour, king desmond was allowed to host her within the bernese royal palace, and so he did, making quite public displays of affection with her while electing to not spend more time with his wife than necessary. it was quite obvious who he favored of the two, and desmond was never really a subtle man who kept his emotions close to his chest. servants could describe his behavior towards his lover as amorous to the point of being sickeningly sweet and his behavior towards his wife were dismissive at best, outright hateful at its worst.

desmond’s nasty nature against his wife is what leads hellene’s own dreams to turn away from that of love to one of power. when she bears desmond’s heir in the form of zephiel, she immediately expresses hope for the day that zephiel will take the throne away from desmond. being the mother of the future king, she assumes she will be given more respect around the palace and have a more secure future. zephiel is seen less as her beloved son and more as her winning piece to get back at desmond; zephiel is the constant reminder that desmond’s days in power are limited, and that one day it will be hellene’s own blood taking over.

desmond, upon first seeing zephiel, hates him for the mere fact he is hellene’s son. zephiel is living proof of their a marriage forced onto him, and he cannot stand the living reminder of it, especially if people were going to come and congratulate him on the birth of a healthy heir and then speak about the son frequently now. to avoid the nuisance of being forced to see his newborn child, he banishes both zephiel and hellene to an off-site manse under the guise of claiming that hellene needs more time to be able to relax with the baby. this further enrages hellene, motivating her to make zephiel into a project to spite desmond.

she will make it so desmond must acknowledge their son.

hellene from a young age is both strict and neglectful with her son. zephiel is afforded every tutor he can be given with her own personal funds ( funds that desmond is obligated to give her every month but no more ) and is sent to lessons as soon as he can walk and talk. he is drilled in military arts, history, etiquette, the arts, and all manner of topics to groom him into the perfect heir. luckily for her, zephiel proves to be a prodigy and excels in everything quickly. she spreads this like wildfire, telling every and anyone of how perfect her son is so as to make the general populace enamored with him.

the lessons zephiel devotes himself to is scheduled in such a way as to not afford him much free time if any at all, and when he is given the chance to breathe, he is encouraged to spend it on pursuits that will make him look either handsome or intelligent such as learning to play an instrument or falconry. when he gets the chance to speak with his mother, usually only at meal times, she is quick to ask him of his studies and nothing else before excusing herself. if things are going well, she praises him and finds new topics and limits to push onto him. if things are going poorly, she goes to discuss things with his tutors.

zephiel does not know love, but if he does not know it, then he cannot be sad to be missing it.

these days of aiming to become the perfect heir continue, and when he is old enough, hellene tries to show him off to desmond. hellene waits until she is positive that zephiel is in top form, and she stresses upon zephiel to make sure he impresses his father.

he performs spectacularly. he is polite, he is well-learned, and he endears the knights with both his charisma as well as his talent in martial arts despite his young age.

the sight of everyone surrounding desmond, people devoted to him, being taken by the prince enrages him. hellene’s smug smirk in the corner does no favors either. desmond realizes that the people love the person he has resolved to hate, and he looks bad for not welcoming zephiel into the palace as a result.

stubborn to a fault and envious over how his son is better than him in every degree, especially given how desmond himself is a mediocre man, desmond takes to publicly shaming zephiel. desmond is unable to quell his own ire in order to remain civil, and so he sharpens his words in order to try and chase the boy away. the less time zephiel spends in the palace, the less he can charm the people around him.

desmond also goes on the offensive, calling out zephiel’s behaviors as manipulative. he tries to warp the narrative, claiming zephiel’s attempts to get in his father’s good graces are in actuality calculated moves to make him look bad in contrast, and that zephiel is merely a power-hungry prince who needs to learn respect. desmond is convinced this seemingly perfect son of his is just like the woman who conceived him, and he cannot see zephiel as anything other than someone who plots against him and wishes to see his downfall.

zephiel, confused and distraught by this callousness, struggles to cope with it. his mother and the tutors ensure he is wonderful, but his father openly bashes his character and disapproves of him so vehemently. though hellene is upset by this turn of events, she insists that zephiel continue his studies and attempts to make desmond recognize him as his rightful son.

being treated to verbal abuse every time he visits the palace but encouraged to desire approval from his father, zephiel’s brain attempts to make the reality easier to stomach by twisting his perception of his father’s words as right. if he is to keep trying to curry favor with his father, then it would be difficult to do so while believing he is being unreasonable.

every time desmond scolds him and tells him that he is not worthy of his love nor his position as crown prince, zephiel begins to believe it more and more. the problem lies with him, and he must earn his father’s love. the burden lies on him. he begins to pray to st. elimine every day for this, but his prayers go unanswered as the abuse remains the same.

if even st. elimine won’t help him, then this is proof that zephiel is simply not working hard enough and is not deserving of such a gift as familial love. st. elimine isn’t wrong to not grant his wishes. st. elimine is a beloved religious icon.

the desire for love grows as does the mistreatment when zephiel meets desmond’s second child. she is a little girl named guinivere, born from desmond’s mistress. though desmond attempted to keep guinivere and zephiel from ever properly meeting, guinivere is a bit of a rebellious girl in her youth and desmond is helpless to stop her, too doting and weak to her as the product of his healthier romance.

guinivere instantly loves zephiel, and she begins asking every day to see him again and play with him. she is open with her adoration, and this is the first time zephiel experiences actual love from anyone. he, in turn, loves her too in the purest way a half-brother can, starved for genuine affection all his life, and the two prove difficult to separate.

desmond grows paranoid that zephiel aims to kill guinivere to try and get him where his greatest weakness lies, still convinced that zephiel is as conniving and out to get him as hellene is. desmond grows physically violent now, destroying and killing any gifts that zephiel brings with him as he is unable to physically harm zephiel himself without being criticized even more by the royal court of bern. he shuts zephiel down even more each conversation they have, and his vitriol is even worse than before.

desmond hates his son for not only being the perfect heir but also for being the person guinivere loves the most in the world, even moreso than her own father.

zephiel is given even less leave to be able to visit the royal palace now, giving him more time to reflect upon his perceived mistakes in conduct and more time to prepare for the next time he shall meet his father only to not even be given a chance to impress the man. the more effort he puts in, the more he despairs at the inevitable failures. the more love he receives from guinivere, the more he wishes he could be with her always, and the more he longs for similar affection from his father and mother.

he yearns for a loving, happy family. he tells himself he has not earned the right to have it.

this self loathing and lack of confidence in himself rises to such a point that zephiel refuses to believe other people when they compliment him. he sees praise as ultimately unhelpful to his quest to get his father to approve of him, and he convinces himself that his father’s insults and critiques of his character are his father’s way of trying to groom into someone worthy of his attention. the only correct person, the only person worth listening to, is desmond.

his belief in his father is unshakeable. even when his father hires assassins to get rid of him on the eve of his coming-of-age ceremony, zephiel does not suspect for even a second that it was him who had sent the hitmen in the first place. zephiel merely sees the incident as the universe testing him, seeing whether or not he can weather through what might come for him one day as a royal. it is merely expected of him to be able to fend off such attempts, and anyone could be out to get him.

when his mother goes through an unexpected shift in demeanor after the incident, even telling him that she will try and support his wishes to move back into the palace and live as a family, he believes he has taken a step forward towards his goals.

this would not be true, for desmond would merely wait for another opportunity to strike.

when zephiel grows to be of an age similar to when desmond himself became king, desmond invites zephiel to have a drink with him. zephiel is excited at the prospect; after over two decades of working for this outcome, it looks as if he has finally become a man worthy of love.

it turns out “love” tastes like poison.

for the next ten days, zephiel hangs on the cusp of life and death. he is unable to run away from the truth this time: his father wished to kill him. it was his father who knowingly served him poison, and it was his father who smiled as he was writhing in pain after taking a sip from the goblet. it was no ordinary poison either, but rather a poison meant to incur agony upon its victim as they remained aware of it for more than a week.

desmond wanted him to not only die, but to be suffering a slow death too.

zephiel is only able to survive the incident due to his vassal murdock’s dutiful attempts to filter the poison out of his system, but when zephiel is able to regain his strength, he is completely changed by the experience.

his previous unshakeable faith in his father being the type of man who is secretly looking out for zephiel and trying to make him the best man he could be is unable to cope with the damage and betrayal of trust displayed. the only way for zephiel to stay sane after the experience is to believe that it is human’s nature to be bad people. as zephiel ruminates during his recovery period, he looks back on all the years he had wasted trying to win the favor of a man who would never give it to him, and he evaluates the kind of man king desmond really is.

he looks at the envy, the open love for another other than his wife, and the paranoia. zephiel realizes desmond’s attempts to kill zephiel were all founded on ugly emotions, and in order to accept that the man he looked up to the most secretly had a dark heart, zephiel must then believe everyone can and will succumb to such emotions as well. after all, if desmond was supposed to be the best of them, then what could be said for people zephiel held in less regard?

he turns his personal tragedy into something he believes must be a universal one, and when he kills his own father a few days later, that marks the death of the zephiel who believed in the absolute good of people’s intentions.

it also marks the birth of a zephiel who believes the world would be better off without humans, for if they are all fated to become horrible people, then why bother with them at all?

[gaileon]

long ass fucking meta under the cut on alm’s growth, primarily focused on his shift in values (and also going into what they were to begin with) as his character arc in fire emblem gaiden. all quotes used in this are subsequently from that game.

alm’s main flaws are his naivete and his impulsiveness. when going on gut instinct while you, frankly, have less information on what’s happening around you, that’s just dangerous. alm’s victories are won by the knowledge mycen has drilled into him since he’s been a child ( after all, mycen knew that one day alm would have to set out in a war against rigel should things go to plan ) and his own unique strength. alm is mentioned to be a cut above the rest, reflected in how he is not only a unique class but also his stats being higher than even lukas, someone with actual military training, from the beginning. kliff has good reason to feel insecure and implore alm to be the one to save him in a pinch, and this strength plus alm’s good heart is likely what landed him a leadership position within his childhood friend group.

is alm’s strength something deriving from his genes? a blessing from his cross-shaped birthmark? something to truly set himself as a rigelian and not a zofian? i could speculate all day if i wanted to, but that matters not for the main argument i have to bring here: alm’s strength is what allows him to get his goals, and his goals are ones most agree with because he has a good heart, thus with power and kindness, what he needs most now is to mature mentally and see the world differently from how he did when he started his adventure.

alm grows up incredibly sheltered. being raised in ram village, he has lived most of his life in a far corner of valentia, unable to come into contact with much of anything. his education is implied to be solely through what mycen teaches him, and considering the low profile mycen was trying to keep, it is unlikely alm traveled much or had any reason to gain information or mature his world view. the fighter lacks experience, and he merely thinks like how his neighbors do as commoners.

he believes in the idea that mila will save them. the earth mother is all what zofians have relied upon for many years, leading consequently to their sloth. mila has blessed them with bounty and the people celebrate her. as someone growing up in a farming and ranching village with a large focus on winery, it makes entire sense that he was raised in a community that praised mila more than anything, for it was her blessings that has made their primary source of income able to work. they don’t have a plan b without her. alm defaults to faith in her, unable to come to terms on his own that they would ever be without her even in the face of a very certain famine. this is why his conversation with forsyth is so important.

Forsyth: It seems that Desaix’s requested aid from the northern power Rigel. Zofia’s forces can’t compare to the might of the knights of Rigel. If the Kingdom of Rigel makes a move, we won’t stand a chance.

Alm: But the “Pact of the Gods” upheld by Zofia and Rigel means we shouldn’t come to blows, right? Our guardian, the Lady Mila, would never permit such a thing.

Forsyth: Yeah, but see… There’s a rumor, it seems, that Lady Mila’s disappeared. Hey, hey. Don’t be so surprised. After all, it’s been kind of weird lately, hasn’t it? Around here, the crops have been failing, and all that’s showing up are a bunch of strange demonic creatures. You can’t help but wonder if the powers of Lady Mila, Protector of the Earth, are waning. Well, if you go to the Temple of Mila, you should be able to find out if this rumor’s true.

forsyth is the one to bring up bad news politically, only for alm to reply back that there’s no way rigel could send troops to zofia. mila wouldn’t allow that. but mila can’t do a thing about it, forsyth essentially tells him. mila’s gone. she hasn’t been helping them for a while. forsyth is the one to open alm’s eyes.

alm’s beginning to think for himself and truly evaluate what’s before him. when celica reunites with him on the rooftop, we start to see this shift. 

Celica: [...] Alm, I have a request for you. Is there no way war against the Kingdom of Rigel can be avoided?

Alm: That’s impossible. Emperor Rudolf of Rigel has seized the opportunity to attack while Zofia’s still weakened by civil war. He’s already started an invasion. At this rate, the Kingdom of Zofia is going to be destroyed.

Celica: But when it comes down to it, both Rigelians and Zofians are the same, aren’t they? We are all people of Valentia. Even if these divisions of country no longer existed, we should all still be able to live together in happiness.

Alm: That’s no good. You can’t just tell the people of Zofia to go live under the barbarous rule of Rigel. Seeing as how Rigel aided Desaix in ravaging the lands of Zofia, we’ve got no choice but to fight.

celica does something eerily similar to what alm did before: she suggests that war between zofia and rigel can be avoided (albeit for different reasons than alm did). however, when presented with this statement, alm is now the one to shoot it down and stubbornly so. we see alm now taking forsyth’s counter, thinking it through, and accepting it. alm’s previous argument, zofia and rigel cannot go to war because mila wouldn’t let it happen, hinges upon his faith in mila. him no longer believing that peace is possible between the two nations displays then a loss of faith in mila. alm has turned to be a figure who does not blindly devote himself to the gods, shedding some of that initial mindset, and this also puts him one step closer to what gaiden purports to be the ideal person: someone who does not rely too much on deities but instead themself. we must remember that this whole game’s conflict starts with emperor rudolf of rigel’s dissatisfaction with the state of affairs in all of valentia and wishing to reset it entirely, using his son — alm — as the figure that would pave the way.

in order for rudolf’s ambition to be realized, alm had to lose his fath. being less religious, for him, is linked with independence, one of the values that gaiden puts on a pedestal.

but that is not the only large shift in ideology that alm goes through. in the same conversation with celica as was referenced above, the following discussion happens:

Celica: Unless, Alm, now that everyone’s holding you up as a hero, you want to become the king of the country as well?

Alm: What! That’s mean, Celica. I don’t have those kinds of ambitions. I just want to protect the people of Zofia, that’s all. Besides, it seems that the royal family of Zofia’s only remaining princess is still alive, so I’m planning to search for her. As soon as I find that princess, I’m returning to the village.

keep in mind that zofia’s sole remaining princess being alive is nothing more than a rumor at this point as far as alm is concerned. but he is quick to believe it. in all honestly, alm is quick to believe just about anything in gaiden, which is another point to his naivete. 

regardless, his desire to find her to restore her to the throne highlights this mindset that he believes certain people are born to rule. he goes along with the class system, likely something zofia perpetuates, while rigel is more likely to reward people based on merit since that empire values strength so much. alm believes there are bad rulers, but he nonetheless thinks a princess he knows nothing about and doesn’t even know if she’s alive deserves to be on the throne more than any of the people who are working actively towards zofia’s liberation. 

however, by the end of the game, alm becomes the holy king (or, rather, as sov puts it, the saint king) of valentia. he, who was raised as a commoner, takes on this role. he may have the blood of an emperor, but he was not raised to fulfill the throne. he takes to it though, believing it to be his responsibility instead of giving sole control to celica which would’ve aligned perfectly well with his plan from before: to find the lost princess of zofia and then return home.

he learns returning home is not his end goal anymore, and when i take sov’s writing into account ( his a-rank support with faye to be specific when he answers why he can’t return faye’s feelings or why his dream is not to return home to ram ) for once, this is something he decides even before he finds out his true bloodline. he makes this decision without the basis that it’s his birthright to rule over rigel, but because of a difference in ideology. he no longer believes that he should have no hand in the matters of state with valentia and that he should just hand it off to a royal that he may hope will be benevolent. 

in doing this, he is also proving he is not falling to the same fate of all the zofians who relied on others, namely mila, to give them prosperity. he’s decided he shall do it with his own hands, and he will do it the whole way.

[martindykewood]

hey do you have any advice on figuring out your sexuality? I don't know what your experience has been but im struggling

anon, i am deeply sorry that it took me so long to answer this. it’s a combination of the fact that you can’t edit a draft of an ask on mobile (wack) and the fact that i’ve been trying to figure out how to say what i want to say (normal, i feel). anyway, this is what i’ve got, and i hope it helps.

first off, due to the nature of the things i’m discussing here, i want to state unequivocally that i am a lesbian who is open to relationships with trans women because i am attracted to women, and trans women are women. if anybody touches this post with their transmisogyny i will cast the evil eye on them. 

for what it’s worth, my experience with my own sexuality has been a long, hard process, and it’s been heavily, undeniably affected by my simultaneous journey with my gender identity, my personal identity, my childhood trauma, and my mental health. pretty much from the ages of 13 to 19 i was in a constant state of questioning everything about myself as a person. the only reason i even considered i might not be straight was bc i had friends who were not straight and i admired them. you can see how that would be confusing to a small teen who is already insecure about being a poser and a fake in every other aspect of life.

once i really examined what i was feeling, and talked it out with some of the aforementioned friends, i could admit that i wasn’t pretending, and that’s when i began identifying as bi. i wove in and out of different terminologies for a few years, burned thru several nb identities and several aspec identities, but the bottom line was that i was attracted to my own gender and other genders, and that was solid for a while.

when i was 18, i began thinking that i might be a lesbian bc, shock of shocks, i had made some very cool lesbian friends whom i admired. and i pretty much pushed that idea out of the way for a bit, telling myself it was not the truth, that i just wanted to feel special and cool, i just wanted to fit in. but then, shock of shocks again, i talked to some of my cool lesbian friends and they were very understanding and accepting and explained to me why all the reasons i thought i “couldn’t” be a lesbian were actually bullshit. 

so then i was a lesbian! and i spent a long time exploring my relationship with sex and found that i wasn’t asexual; some people are, and that’s cool! but my experience wasn’t a lack of sexual attraction or desire, it was a fear of vulnerability and a traumatic history with sexual content. i still had (or have) a complex experience with sex, and a muddy picture of gender, and a deeply flawed concept of interpersonal relationships, but i am a lesbian. and i’ve been comfortable with that for a while now, and i don’t foresee myself changing how i feel about that, but unexpected things can happen. 

and even though i’m comfortable with being a lesbian and calling myself a lesbian, there are always going to be things that give me pause. the thing is, the main way that i’ve changed and grown in this regard, is that those things don’t make me seriously question myself anymore. i’m secure enough in my sexuality to know that comphet, genderfeels, societal bias, etc etc, doesn’t make me less of a lesbian, even though it might feel like it sometimes.

that’s what it’s been like for me. my experiences are not universal, but i do happen to know that some of them are fairly common. but there’s also no right or wrong way to find yourself. there’s no rush, there’s no requirement. it is confusing and difficult more often than not, in a lot of different and scary ways. that being said, if there’s one piece of advice you take away from this post, it’s to always remember that your experiences are your own, and nobody else can decide for you what they mean or what to do with them.

it’s like this: you know when people say “everyone’s a little bit bisexual”? that’s not true, obviously. but i think there’s a truth hidden underneath it, and i think it’s a common experience that erroneously leads some people to that belief. no matter how you identify, there is almost always going to be something - compulsory heterosexuality, personal trauma that makes sex or romance uncomfortable, past relationships, one (1) very attractive man, whatever it is - that makes you think you’re wrong. even if you know you’re right. there’s always going to be something that could at any moment cause you to stop and think: wait, am i lying to myself?

and some people are not as vulnerable to those thoughts! some people go thru their daily lives and very rarely, if ever, consciously question their sexuality or their perception or performance of it. but other people are more susceptible to the thought spirals and the self-doubt and the confusion, and society at large feeds that and feeds upon it. for every lesbian you meet, there’s seven people giving twelve different reasons why they can’t be a “real” lesbian. for every bisexual person you meet, there’s a handful of thinkpieces about bisexuality that contradict their experiences. and so on and so forth. and that’s enough to cause a lot of indecision and anxiety.

but it’s also very freeing to take that thought and follow it to its necessary conclusion: that nobody on earth can tell you what your sexuality is. sure, if you’re a woman who feels genuine attraction to men and wants to pursue sex or relationships with them, you’re not a lesbian. that’s just because words have meanings. but you get to decide what “genuine attraction” is to you, and you get to decide whether you’re comfortable pursuing those relationships. and that’s just one example; the same logic applies broadly.

the bottom line is really that agonizing over labels and definitions just means you miss the forest for the trees. in a practical sense, in real life, who would you want to date, marry, kiss, have sex with, etc.? without thinking about what you should do, what you should want, what you’d be able to do if you had to, what you did last week, internet discourse, a dream you had when you were 12, whatever, none of it is relevant except insofar as it informs your current feelings on the matter. you’re not obligated to choose a label, and if you want one then there’s no deadline to pick one, and once you do you’re not locked into an identity for life.

which is all to say that no, not everybody is a little bit bisexual, but nobody is 100% anything, in this or any other facet of life. and that doesn’t mean that people’s sexualities aren’t valid; they are valid, but they aren’t objective or concrete in the way we would often like them to be. they’re helpful labels for explaining something that is actually unfathomably complicated. so whatever you do, whatever you decide: you don’t need to be sure, you don’t need to be right, you don’t need to be a certain kind of person, you don’t need to be anything in particular. you just need to be comfortable. 

[sireneia-a]

shipping bias list update to join the bandwagon making me realize i really don’t get super adventurous in thinking about ships akshgkrhgrkhr. full roster, chunked into continents. a heart (♡) to the right of a name means either i feel like there’s evidence of it on my blog or i’ve discussed it more than once with the same mun and that they seem active/invested enough in it to make me believe i can mark it down. if you thought we were shipping and i didn’t mark it down, just let me know cause i’m probably just being insecure/uncertain oops

some ships i didn’t include ( like leif’s because he’s singleship so any besides what i have doesn’t rlly matter ) or because they involve an oc or customized version of a my unit character in which case there wouldn’t be an overlap! i’ll say atm i’m not ship exclusive except for leif’s case but also how often do i ship really lmao

i’m also open to new ship ideas possibly; you never know how interactions go after all!

celica - alm faye - kliff ♡, tobin, echoes celica kliff - faye clive - mathilda ♡ berkut - rinea ♡

lene - ares, laylea, febail, iucharba, i'm down for a lot tbh leif - nanna ♡ dew - brigid iuchar - larcei, seliph tine - ced ♡, seliph, febail, fee febail - tine, lene coirpre - patty maybe deimne - karen, daisy ♡, i'd be down for tristan or the like lifis - n/a perne - salem

raigh - sophia, chad wolt - roy ♡, lilina thea - klein ♡, alen mark - lyn marc - sain, lyn, serra kent - lyn, sain

amelia - ewan, franz

stahl - miriel, tharja, maribelle, robin

hayato - effie, sakura ♡, elise ♡, corrin silas - camilla, corrin siegbert - velouria ♡, shiro, mitama velouria - siegbert ♡, selkie, kiragi percy - hisame, nina ♡, midori ophelia - hisame, shiro ♡

caspar - annette ♡, bernadetta, ashe, hilda, byleth ashe - ingrid, caspar

hríd - n/a rowan - n/a