i've mostly forgotten but it's right on hand if i want to try. sometimes i make myself dig deep, just to see if it's still there. the marks are mostly invisible. some extra tenseness, a random memory. unease with no name. cycling nightmares, with a screenwriter just rewriting the same plot to cash the checks.
i wonder if i will forget your name. sometimes i have to think. sometimes yours slips out where his is meant to fit in. in between the trauma, i remember the quiet moments where it almost might have could have. if you were a better person. or if i was just less. i dont know. did my age make it easier, or did that cause more guilt? did my face lure you in or was it something you overlooked? did i fight back too hard or too weakly? did i remind you of yourself
you don't have just one name. you have multiple names, men following me in masks. the nature of harm varies but not the intent. if only i could understand you. repeated dreams don't help me, it just makes me angrier. did you know i thought i saw you in my room the other night? i tried to throw a pillow, like that would have done something. only ended up scaring my cat.
you grow more grotesque and distant in my mind. i feel relieved, but my rage is less explained. i wake up screaming, fighting demons long since dead. or is it? there you are, somewhere. i never defeated you. maybe i never heard from you again, or maybe we shook hands and agreed to move on. you never apologized, but i never put words to it. it seems so silly now, doesn't it. i've given myself permission to use words people understand but i still don't believe it. that's for monsters, but you still feel so close to home.
