#talkingpeacock

[devilboyblues]

soo im multiracial so you can figure out that im the result of an interracial pairing more than once. the whole thing has been so complicated my whole life. i don’t see white/poc pairings as very revolutionary but maybe it’s just because in my family it is white/Asian and... i tend to distrust white people who go for Asian people (especially white men and E Asian women, as it is). and people always assume being mixed race means having a white parent. 

my parents are interracial with neither being white, which is almost never represented. i wish this was acknowledged and talked about more. i feel like it is more revoutionary to have a interracial couple with no white partner

i am in a relationship with a white person. i feel weird about it sometimes, like... guilt? that i keep going for white people. and like im letting down my father (it’s a weird thing). 

i’ve always wondered if im more acceptable to white people for being part white. is it the lighter skin? (for the record, i do not consider myself light skinned but i dont consider myself dark skinned either cuz im... in the middle). does it give me more eurocentric features? are people into how it makes me “exotic”? do they fetishize me for being mixed? the answer is yes, all of it. 

and then people have been garbage about my mom, being S Asian and darker skinned and making all sorts of sexualized comments about her and also her pairing with my dad. 

[devilboyblues]

i've mostly forgotten but it's right on hand if i want to try. sometimes i make myself dig deep, just to see if it's still there. the marks are mostly invisible. some extra tenseness, a random memory. unease with no name. cycling nightmares, with a screenwriter just rewriting the same plot to cash the checks.

i wonder if i will forget your name. sometimes i have to think. sometimes yours slips out where his is meant to fit in. in between the trauma, i remember the quiet moments where it almost might have could have. if you were a better person. or if i was just less. i dont know. did my age make it easier, or did that cause more guilt? did my face lure you in or was it something you overlooked? did i fight back too hard or too weakly? did i remind you of yourself

you don't have just one name. you have multiple names, men following me in masks. the nature of harm varies but not the intent. if only i could understand you. repeated dreams don't help me, it just makes me angrier. did you know i thought i saw you in my room the other night? i tried to throw a pillow, like that would have done something. only ended up scaring my cat.

you grow more grotesque and distant in my mind. i feel relieved, but my rage is less explained. i wake up screaming, fighting demons long since dead. or is it? there you are, somewhere. i never defeated you. maybe i never heard from you again, or maybe we shook hands and agreed to move on. you never apologized, but i never put words to it. it seems so silly now, doesn't it. i've given myself permission to use words people understand but i still don't believe it. that's for monsters, but you still feel so close to home.

[devilboyblues]

the shorts conundrum

so its getting hotter and id like to wear shorts. heres the problem. i have hairy legs and i get read as different genders by cis people.

if i leave my legs hairy i could get read as a masculine woman who doesnt shave and get judged for that. if i shave i avoid that but im less likely to be read as male because Men Dont Do That. can i just be nonbinary in peace? also as a woman aligned person i dont believe i should have to shave but im not ready to get flak for that

and on a practical note shaving my legs is a pain in the ass. my leg hair is coarse and thick like the hair on my head. it dulls razors before im even done and a dull razor is painful. when i wear skirts and am deliberately trying to be read female i have my thighs covered and i wear stockings or knee high socks

[devilboyblues]

also its less than a week until my boyfriend @bat-tech gets here! he'll be here next Thursday. im so excited.

[devilboyblues]

something reminded me of an ex boyfriend and i said “shit” out loud

im at work. in a government office

[devilboyblues]

whats been going on the past couple days: dyed my hair purple and blue like ive wanted for months. ruined my professionally cleaned bathroom

Sunday was intense cuz my cat was sleeping then started jerking for a few seconds. after that stopped he was wobbly and his pupils were vastly different sizes. i needed help from my parents to gst hom in the carrier and taken to an emergency vet

turns out it was likely a seizure. having seizures is not something i wanted in common with my cat. his vitals abd bloodwork were good at least. ive been so worried about him

today was less eventful but i worked an extra half hour to get some things out of the way because! my boyfriend is coming on Thursday (so about 3 days) and i want to leave early on that day

so yeah some bad news and some good news

[devilboyblues]

now im half wondering if im working today cuz of the govt shutdown. i am a contractor with the government just the city instead of federal. my company also does federal jobs

[devilboyblues]

work was made much more bearable by having a vivid, engrossing daydream and i wish my brain was imaginative enough to do that all the time