caepaecaesurae
... More unconscious than not, a fewv nights. Bed rest, to round out the wveek. Standing, after that.
By the time the cuts had closed I'd put myself back together.
palteringcecutiency
...lord.
palteringcecutiency
...I hadn't realized.
...or even thought about it, really.
caepaecaesurae
You communicate vwery effectivwely and bluntly wvhen you put your mind to it.
palteringcecutiency
...perhaps a little more enthusiastically than intended, sometimes.
Fuck, all I wanted is for you to not follow, maybe blow off a little steam. Not... /that/.
caepaecaesurae
WVell... Head trauma is like that.
palteringcecutiency
I've had exactly one experience with head trauma, Cronus, and that was a touch different.
And god knows I didn't know that when I was /five/, fuck.
I'm sorry. I honestly didn't mean anything like that. Just... to stop you, from keeping me there.
caepaecaesurae
Yours wvas much more sevwere, and I'm sorry for the reminder. You asked.
palteringcecutiency
That
That is not what I was trying to say, Cronus.
palteringcecutiency
I didn't know it would do that, I didn't know it had, I found out a few hours ago it was /possible/, and I'm honestly sorry for fucking with your pan like that.
caepaecaesurae
Life goes on.
palteringcecutiency
Regardless.
caepaecaesurae
It's hard to compare wvith much accuracy, due to the wvay I arrivwed here, but I'm glad the revwivwal process givwes a fresh slate, medically speaking.
palteringcecutiency
...I'm glad for it every night, for quite a number of reasons. ...and I suppose I have a few more, now.
caepaecaesurae
... Thank you.
caepaecaesurae
There wvere a fewv small things that lingered, but you sawv for yourself that I got around fine, swveeps later.
palteringcecutiency
...I admit, that is why I never questioned if it had done anything beyond the scars.
palteringcecutiency
...and the fact that I was a touch distracted.
caepaecaesurae
Men wvho can hide flawvs tend to do so.
You wvere busy.
It wvas not my role in your life.
palteringcecutiency
...true enough.
caepaecaesurae
It wvas... a vwery long time ago.
palteringcecutiency
Time does not always make things better.
caepaecaesurae
Unfortunate.
caepaecaesurae
I knowv wvords are pointless, but I'm sorry.
palteringcecutiency
...for which in particular?
caepaecaesurae
Being a raging garbage fire, historically speaking.
palteringcecutiency
...ah.
...you were no moonbeam but I hardly can say I was guiltless.
caepaecaesurae
Oh look, a convwenient distraction.
palteringcecutiency
There always seems to be one, when we talk about this sort of shit.
...oh, low blow Ampora. Hitting a man in his weakness.
caepaecaesurae
It's not easy or pleasant to discuss, and I prefer to leavwe convwersational escape routes open, for if they are desired.
caepaecaesurae
You wvere a horrible festering pile of swveet smiles and needlessly precise mockery, wvho deservwed nothing of wvhat he had to deal wvith.
caepaecaesurae
Much wvould havwe been different, if either of us wvere different men. But that is not wvhat the timeline demanded of us, and so we wveren't.
palteringcecutiency
...it is difficult to have such a positive possible future laid out before you and wonder what you have done to chase it away.
What either of us did.
caepaecaesurae
I havwe my suspicions.
palteringcecutiency
Care to share them?
caepaecaesurae
Arlequin gavwe his men a vwaguely-phrased order, in anger. They took it further than he intended. By the time they returned me to him, I wvas a wvreck, and he killed me out of some attempt at mercy.
And then he had enough guilt about that death to carry my skull around for centuries, and obsess about me in pale -- somewvhat subconsciously -- for ages thereafter. Including a period of time in the bubbles.
All I wvould havwe needed to do is survwivwe.
caepaecaesurae
Believwe me, I tried.
palteringcecutiency
...that would get you alive, then. But not the animosity between us extinguished.
caepaecaesurae
Me alivwe, and trapped wvith a broody Arlequin that wvanted to right wvhatevwer he'd done wvrong. You apparently free, by escaping a relativwely unsupervwised ship.
palteringcecutiency
And a desire to burn the Empire to the ground.
caepaecaesurae
... If you, a free troll, heard that I wvas maimed and being sold at auction, wvould you havwe come?
palteringcecutiency
...yes.
But I do not have faith that I would match my alternate's kindness.
palteringcecutiency
I spent too much of my planning working you into it, specifically your blood on my hands.
caepaecaesurae
WVouldn't that be an interesting roll of the dice.
...Somehowv, your other self wvas generous.
palteringcecutiency
He was... and I don't know why.
palteringcecutiency
It. Bothers me. Not knowing.
caepaecaesurae
Maybe I wvas pathetic. Maybe you wvere a kinder troll than you expect.
Maybe there wvas something to gain.
palteringcecutiency
Maybe he is a kinder troll than I.
palteringcecutiency
It's stupid, caring this much. He isn't me.
palteringcecutiency
But fuck if my pan isn't stuck on it.
caepaecaesurae
The man wvho is not me got to finish all the things I nevwer did.
...I think it's reasonable to be struck, by wvhat could havwe been.
palteringcecutiency
...and mine got
palteringcecutiency
..a future, as something more than an engine.
caepaecaesurae
Yours livwed.
...It's okay to mourn your owvn death.
It takes strange forms sometimes.
palteringcecutiency
...it did not feel like death. Death is merciful, kind. Finite.
If it was death, I died for two thousand sweeps.
caepaecaesurae
You wvere stolen from life.
One wvay or another.
...That loss is the part wvorth mourning.
palteringcecutiency
...perhaps the other way around. Life stolen from me. Ironically, given Her abilities.
palteringcecutiency
In your possession, I was still a person, but in Her's...
caepaecaesurae
WVe do play into our titles, nowv and again.
You could probably outdo your alternate from that wvorld here, if you wvanted to.
You're probably physically younger than he wvas wvhen he got his start. You havwe wvhatevwer resources your clade wvill givwe you, wvhich is probably immense.
All the other Captors are busy wvith political or privwate concerns, too busy to care about technological revwolution.
caepaecaesurae
Political, privwate, or deiffic.
palteringcecutiency
...I admit, I've had thoughts and talks about reaching into space, in various ways.
...but it remains beyond my grasp, and will, for a while.
palteringcecutiency
...I unfortunately have my own set of private concerns tying my hands as well.
caepaecaesurae
I suppose wve all do.
caepaecaesurae
... Good luck.
I'd lovwe to actually see the stars somenight. More than the vwery limited wvay that I havwe thusfar.
palteringcecutiency
If I find a scrap of luck hidden somewhere and manage it... I'd love to show you.
caepaecaesurae
I look forwvard to it.
palteringcecutiency
Even if I am not the one to get you there, I hope you get it some night, in all the ways I didn't.
caepaecaesurae
Back at you.
palteringcecutiency
c:
palteringcecutiency
...my apologies for getting... depressing, both here and on the dash tonight.
caepaecaesurae
...It's understandable. Evweryone has those nights.
caepaecaesurae
The more public it gets, the less comfortable it is for me, but... I don't knowv howv much that matters.
palteringcecutiency
I would think you'd rather have it happen in public, so you can see what I am telling them, and object in person.
caepaecaesurae
I'm not sure it's my place to comment.
palteringcecutiency
...why not?
caepaecaesurae
It feels like an intrusion.
Or some horrible he-said-she-said game wvaiting to happen.
"Oh, actually, I remember it like this" -- wvhat right do I havwe?
I don't knowv howv to say anything wvithout sounding like more of an ass than I am.
palteringcecutiency
...how far does that go?
caepaecaesurae
... WVhat do you mean?
palteringcecutiency
You say you have no right to correct what I say. How deep a lie would you let me tell?
caepaecaesurae
I don't knowv. If it seemed specifically designed to get me harmed I'd probably pipe up.
caepaecaesurae
If you claimed there wvere abuses of kinds I'd nevwer done, I .. Might object.
palteringcecutiency
Might.
caepaecaesurae
There wvere entertainments, occasionally. I just revwoked them again evwery time you disobeyed or threwv me in the wvater.
It wvas a light and convwenient punishment, and probably too frequent.
caepaecaesurae
Not the second time you wvere aboard. I wvas being an ass on purpose that time. Still a bit sore about my face.
palteringcecutiency
Ah, so 'might' means you'll object hours later in private to /me,/ when it happens to come up in conversation conveniently.
caepaecaesurae
I nevwer wvould havwe mentioned it if you hadn't specifically Asked.
But it is an example of a thing I did Not mention.
Because the difference is slight, and picking at your accounts is childish.
palteringcecutiency
Oh, my mistake, so you're giving me /more/ leeway to say whatever I want without you making a peep.
caepaecaesurae
Howv am I supposed to answver you wvithout being vwague or givwing examples?
palteringcecutiency
It wasn't so much of a specific question as pointing out that you're giving /me/ of all people free reign to say whatever comes to mind about you and your actions towards me, whenever I want, in full view of you, and you /assure/ me you have no place objecting.
Unless /I/ am blatantly antagonistic, or /possibly/ told too big of a lie, /maybe/.
caepaecaesurae
Oh, no. WVhat havwe I done?
WVhat could possibly be wvorse than that!
palteringcecutiency
You've lost your fucking pan is what you've done.
caepaecaesurae
Oh nooooo
Shall I go check the roof, or the bay?
palteringcecutiency
Cro, what the fuck happened, are you alright?
caepaecaesurae
Fucking hell, not you too.
I'm sorry, chief. It wvas an attempt at a joke.
Apparently it fell flat
WVhich is fine, I don't really do jokes.
palteringcecutiency
You do jokes just fine when you don't toss them in after losing your grasp on reality, jesus fucking hell.
caepaecaesurae
I'm not great at making things not wvorse.
All I can do is try.
palteringcecutiency
Giving an angry spiteful fangstorm a knife and laying down like a wet blanket waiting for deaht is /not/ making things better.
caepaecaesurae
Someone in another wvindowv is trying to convwince me that's not the best solution to /all/ problems like this, so apparently not.
I can't say anything right, I can't do Nothing, I can't do anything activwe, that doesn't leavwe anything else!
caepaecaesurae
I may as wvell do the one that ruins the least.
palteringcecutiency
When the /fuck/ have you even /tried/ to say anything right to me.
caepaecaesurae
I'm sorry, I shouldn't vwent, I'm just Frustrated.
I don't knowv, think back to the last time you told me I wvas out to twvist evwerything against you.
palteringcecutiency
All I've seen from you is being a slippery eel about everything, blatant fucking running from /anything/ that could so much as dent my mood, manipulating me into being friendlier, and apologies by the truckload.
palteringcecutiency
Which part of that is you trying to say right?
caepaecaesurae
The wvay I am isn't..intentional.
I'm trying to learn howv not to be this wvay.
So.. Presumably all of that.
I don't knowv howv to say things that don't make it wvorse.
caepaecaesurae
I am trying right nowv to not make it wvorse and I am failing.
I don't knowv wvhy I'm trying, aside from possibly trying not to run or say nothing because that's wvrong too.
palteringcecutiency
Just. Give me a second.
caepaecaesurae
Is it wvrong that that makes me wvant to brace myself?
palteringcecutiency
I honestly don't know anymore.
Disagreeing doesn't mean shit is getting worse, Cronus. Neither does me being fucking baffled.
caepaecaesurae
... The last time wve did that you broke evwerything and threwv me in the bay.
palteringcecutiency
...that wasn't a disagreement. That was you deciding you knew what was going on and inflicting that decision on me. I didn't get a say in /any/ of it.
caepaecaesurae
.. Alright, granted.
caepaecaesurae
Sorry. I'm frazzled.
palteringcecutiency
No shit.
palteringcecutiency
Are you off brooding by yourself or are you with someone?
caepaecaesurae
... If I tell you wvho wvith, are you going to talk to them?
Also I am fine.
palteringcecutiency
I am now. And sure you are, shining beacon of normalcy.
caepaecaesurae
I'vwe recently discovwered that I literally glowv wvhen pleased.
Or angry. Any upwvard emotion I think.
palteringcecutiency
I'm siccing Kankri on you.
caepaecaesurae
Gods belowv. Psii, please.
caepaecaesurae
I knowv this sounds stupid, but can you tell me wvhat exactly it is that's wvrong wvith wvhat I'm saying?
caepaecaesurae
WVhy am I not fine
If wve wvere havwing a productivwe convwersation somehowv, can wve go back to that part
palteringcecutiency
...you're not fine because your speaking patterns are erratic and abnormal for you, and you're being avoidant and distracting about it?
caepaecaesurae
...Are they?
eesh.
palteringcecutiency
Enough that I'm still eyeing Kankri's handle.
caepaecaesurae
.. I'm sorry for being avwoidant and distracting.
Are there things I avwoided answvering that you'd like to givwe me anotehr shot at?
palteringcecutiency
I was talking about during the whole 'suddenly not okay' thing, which I might add, is still happening, who are you with.
caepaecaesurae
I'm trying to be sincere here, chief. That might be the unfamiliar tone you're picking up on.
caepaecaesurae
I'm at Arlequin's place.
palteringcecutiency
Shockingly, so am I. Is Makara actually there, awake, and aware that you're mildly off your rocker, or are you just at his place.
caepaecaesurae
... I havwen't been mentioning anything about online discussions, and he may or may not havwe fallen asleep.
WVhat if I go to sleep too. That's an option.
palteringcecutiency
...suboptimal but acceptable.
caepaecaesurae
There's been a good six or more people that havwe activwely gone out of their wvay to ask if I am okay.
I'vwe discussed bits and pieces of it wvith wvhat I'm going to guess is around three of them, I don't remember exactly.
palteringcecutiency
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that that might be because you're blatantly not okay. Just a hunch.
Is one of those possibly three people a quad?
caepaecaesurae
So I hear!
caepaecaesurae
Twvo of them.
palteringcecutiency
Good.
caepaecaesurae
You knowv, it wvould be great if I could tell wvhen I'm not fine.
Or at least had some sort of clue about Howv.
You'd think I'd knowv, but No. Apparently not.
caepaecaesurae
Sorry that this is apparently spilling in your lap. Somehowv. WVhatevwer it is.
palteringcecutiency
...sometimes it's hard to tell, and one needs it pointed out to them. It happens.
...and it's fine, I dumped my shit on you earlier, fair is fair.
caepaecaesurae
I don't knowv howv to talk to you, sometimes. I wvish I did.
palteringcecutiency
...I could say the same from this side.
caepaecaesurae
I enjoy being your friend wvhen wve're not being jagged glass.
palteringcecutiency
...that's a good way to put it.
palteringcecutiency
...I do as well. ...I miss things being easy between us.
caepaecaesurae
..wvhich is a better wvay to put it.
Maybe someday the edges wvill be dull enough.
palteringcecutiency
Maybe.
Go sleep, before we loop back into depressing again.
caepaecaesurae
WVill do.
Good luck wvith your morning.
palteringcecutiency
And you when you awaken, with all this.
