Since ayaw mabukas ng tumblr ko at wala naman nakakakilala sakin dito personally, ill post a quite long rant..It's been eight months since I stopped attending church service. My rebellious personality and opposing mindset always do this before every year ends. And it's weird. It gets more weird because it is the longest time that i stopped doing so. I dunno why. Ive been in this recurring situation since 2012 after I decided to go back to that religion, after years of wandering in the wilderness, after I backslid, actually. It was because of those atheist UP professors and an ex bf who was (is) a follower of Abraham Hicks. lol. I met them in college and opened my mind about religion in Kas1 class. Issue about free will and omniscience became a big question to me. It still is. I tried to stay in that religion hoping to find answers. There were supernatural events I had witnessed that no one can explain, events that was similar to what i read in the bible. But still I was in doubt coz i couldnt find a concrete answer. Then I asked why. Did I lack in faith. Was I evil? sinful? Was it because I was immoral? But I did confess everything and repent to an unseen God. WSnt that enough? Or its just that submission was really not in my persinality. Old issues back then are still issues right now. Plus the hypocrites everywhere. The modern-day Pharisees who condemn people like me who are shithead blacksheeps that always go astray. Plus the pressure of being a member of music team. I dunno. I wanted to play bass. I would love to learn it if ever someone offered to teach me. I know its a lot easier than doing the lead but I wasnt good enough to memorize the scale by heart. Then one day, they suddenly handed me that instrument without hows and whys, I played like a dumbass shit. All critic eyes were on me. Then it repeatedly happened. I told them in a closed door meeting what and how I felt then i bursted into tears (tangina naman kasi yung pride ko. sobrang napapahiya na ako). They kept telling meI just had low self-esteem. And it didnt matter if i was doing it for God for he looked at the heart. crap. Baka pati si God gusto ng bumaba para ihampas sakin yung bass guitar. The guitarist told me that everytime i was paired to him, he was able to do the lead (we didnt have a rhythm guitarist). But thats not what I akways saw in them. They looked irritated when I asked the chords when they changed key. Maybe they just didnt know the right words to say it in my face. but I can feel it. they didnt want ne there. yung chairman lang namin ang gustong nandun ako. coz he believed i could improve. So yun. i made it easier fir them without saying a word. instead of playing, I self-appointed me to operate the sound and lights and the multimedia in theaudio room, even though i wasnt well-oriented about those stuff. Coz shit, its a lot easier and has lesser exposure than playing the damn bass. Now. I still dont have any plan of going to church tomorrow. I dunno. There are a lot of reasons. And one of the reasons is pressure. pressure from music team. from setting a good example which i am definitely bad at (lalo ngayon. one time sinubukan ko ulit magyosi. akala ko yun na ulit yung huli. pero nasundan pa. nasundan ng nasundan.) pressure from having a personal relationship with god. pressure from everyone who is provoking me to start an argument about faith and God. pressure from those church dudes who are courting me but i dunno how stop them. i know why they do this. gusto na nilang mag asawa. or should i say nagmamadali because uso ang kasalan among my churchmates. I already told them that i dont like them but they are insisting about Gid's will. punyeta so lahat sila Gods will na mapangasawa ko. craaaap! So now, if the God we are worshiping is real, then I might be left behind on the second coming of His Son. If that time is very near, then I am doomed. Tapos dapat pupunta ako sa isang art event kanina kasi daw ipapakilala ako ng friend ko sa crush ko pero binoycott ko sila coz i was afraid to get rejected. coz im not an artist. i dont look good. im not an eye catcher or i cant even get someone interested to me at first sight and tinatamad ako maligo ng 12pm TToTT so i went to inuman session instead. around 6pm. Where we contemplated about life and death. selfrespect. selflove. relationship and sex. but then again they dumped all my logic. well thanks. That's why I am coming out with these thoughts in my head. No one can understand me. I dont expect anyone to anyway. I kniw im too complicated for them to get along with. some think im dumb, superficial and uto-uto. some think im weird and deserve to be alone. well its fine. some say that having this tomboy character is just a way of getting close to guys and that i am fake. and i am malandi. putang ina. that was the dumbest thing said against me. they really dont have any idea what kind if family i haveand what i was during childhood and who my friends were, what we did when we bunked classes. or did they even know i have no sister. that all my siblings are male. that i used to be friends with guys in college because aside from eloi, no one dared to talk to me except aira and aiko. na kaya lang dumami friends ko dahil din sa kanila. oh well. *sigh* okay. im not drunk. im just tired of lifes shit. thanks. PS. ang cool nung tugtog sa new commercial ng coke.
