Fart God

I release flying rainbow farts.

[lunaticwanderess]

I didn't have the chance to catch even a glimpse of you. No appearance, no existence. Nothing. Just feelings. That's all I have left of you. I can still remember the feeling. The heartbeat. The happiness. The excitement. And, somehow, I miss you...

[lunaticwanderess]

Hello Ate Joyce,

Pasensya na at long overdue na tong message ko sayo. Hehe.

Gusto ko lang humingi ng tawad dahil simula nung umalis ako sa church, hindi na ako nakapag paalam ng maayos sa cell group matin, lalo sayo. Kaya sorry.

Gusto ko lang din ipaalam na I respect you as a leader. At kahit hanggang ngayon, ginagalang ko pa rin yung posisyon mo sa church. Kaya humihingi ako ng sorry kung naging rude ako sa pag alis.

Wala naman ibang dahilan, sarili ko lang po talaga. Hindi ko mahanap yung kulang dati. Narealize ko na napipilitan lang ako sa ginagawa ko kaya nagdecide ako na tumigil na lang. At dahil nga nagsisimula magpalago ng member yung group natin, baka hindi ako maging magandang impluwensya sa pag iisip nila. Kaya I decided to leave. Mali lang talaga ako dahil di na ako nagsabi ng kahit ano.

Kaya sorry, Ate Joyce.

Pero salamat sa mga leadership pati sa pagiging inspiration mo. Salamat din sa mga times na pinag dasal mo ako. Naaappreciate ko po lahat ng yun.

Maraming salamat po. :)

[lunaticwanderess]

Hello Kuya Rod,

Kumusta na po? Sigurado po shookt kayo na nagchat ako. Hehe. May mga realizations lang po ako. Pero noon pa naman gusto ko na kayo approach. Inabot lang ng taon dahil diko po macompose ng maayos yung thoughts ko.

Kahit palagay ko po wala na sa inyo to pero gusto ko lang po humingi ng tawad. Bilang dating miyebro nyo sa ministry, umalis ULIT ako ng walang paalam. Sa tingin ko po ang rude ko nung bigla na lang ako di nagpakita. Kaya po nagsosorry ako.

Sa pag alis ko po wala naman pong ibang dahilan. Sarili ko lang po ito. Dati po nung nagpapabalik-balik ako hindi ko po alam kung anong hinahanap ko. Nakabase lang po sa emosyon. Kaya pag lumipas na, nanlalamig na sa pag attend sa church. Kahit po nitong huli, ganun din. Pero after ilang years po na ibat ibang uri ng tao nakakasalamuha ko, may ibat ibang paniniwala, ibat ibang kaalaman, nagiiba na yung pagtanaw ko sa buhay ispiritwal. Kaya gusto ko lang po mag paalam ng maayos. Although napakahaba na ng panahon nung umalis ako at baka nga po wala na sa inyo yun. Pero gusto ko lang po ipabatid na wholeheartedly po akong humihingi ng tawad at andun po na iginagalang ko yung posisyon nyo po sa church bilang leader.

Nagpapasalamat din po ako sa mga aral at guidance nyo habang kasama nyo ako sa ministry pati po bilang guro sa SOL. At thankful po ako sa buhay ninyong buong pamilya mula po kila Pastora at Tatay Toss hanggang sa inyo pong mga anak nila. Salamat din po sa mga oras na ginugol nyo para ipagdasal ako.

Maraming salamat po. :)

[lunaticwanderess]

Funny how you caught feelings three times for three different persons in just one year.

[lunaticwanderess]

I won't mind if you talk shit about me as long as I can destroy your pride in a phrase whenever I feel to.

[lunaticwanderess]

I just wanna save the world. The innocent people. I just want peace for everybody. No more war. No more suffering. I want everyone to be free. No more slavery. No one's gonna cry their heart out.

[lunaticwanderess]

Funny how a year can change you. Your beliefs, emotions, appearance. It's like everything about you has changed. But it's a good start I guess. Two years ago, I wanted to die. Then someone happened in my life who changed the way I think. But he was just one of the many people who would come and go. Another year had passed and I met another guy. He's too nice to befriend a crazy girl like me. No one really knows how fate works. We clicked and now I am in love with him. But something just doesn't feel right. Somethings missing. There is still a void in me that I can't find.

[lunaticwanderess]

Im tired of old people in my life.

[lunaticwanderess]

Birthday letter

To all the people that my old self loved, I am happy -truly happy of what youve all become. Wish you were happy for me too. And wish you would stop bringing up how I was in the past. That I was better back then. That you miss my old self blah blah blah. The bitch aint coming back anymore. But please dont be saddened of what I have become. Thats how life goes. All the metaphors arent meant to happen this way. Life is full of irony. And we all have to deal with that. And move on coz theres a lot of shit coming our way. Only when you accept the fact that people come and go can you truly understand why some of your friends got married too soon. Why some of them dont talk to you anymore. And why some of them stab you in the back. I still love each one of you anyway. Knowing that you are praying for my life tickles my heart. I am grateful to meet people like you. And I am overwhelmed. Really. You have such purest hearts among the people that came into my life. I love myself more now tho. Coz happiness does not come from others. It comes from within. Its when you know your worth. Its when you learn to appreciate your own beauty. When a friend leaves or cant spend a lot of time with you anymore, the best thing to do is look for another one (and always remember that in choosing friends, it is important to consider birds of the same feather 😂). If married couples, wedding party and childrens party annoy you, then look for singles around your area. Sign up to Tinder now! Chaaaar! Haha. Ive never felt better about myself. One might say that I am becoming a bad person. But what is the standard of being bad? And being good? Are you a bad person if you bought sampaguita flowers from street children so they can feed themselves but you talk shit about people in your town? Are you a bad person if you love your parents but hate your neighbor? Are you a good person if you work hard for your family but ignore a friend who is asking for financial help? Are you a good person if you dont skip sunday mass but keep drinking on weekends for the sake of laughter so you could escape from the thought of taking your own life? Are you a good person if you keep telling the youth that immorality is evil but somehow you wish you could have chosen to be a stripper (earning gross of your salary per night and non-taxable) than allowing your employer to make a slave out of you? Those are just jokes but mean a whole damn thing. See? I dont fully understand the deepest meaning of good and bad. All I know is you will reap what you sow. And speaking of good, right now, I can say that Im feeling good about myself. Im feeling good of how I am today. Ive never felt quite more of myself than before. I want this kind of feeling to last. Wishing it was not just my hormones dictating me to feel good. I dont want to feel this fear anymore. That if this laughter persists all day, tomorrow I might cry my heart out. I want to constantly feel good. So I can finally be happy. No more self-hatred and suicidal thoughts. Mabuhay!

And to all the people that I recently spent time with, dont be upset yet. I also love you. And I love spending time with you. You are the ones who made me realize my worth. Because of your overflowing of confidence, I caught some Thank you. 😘

Ps. Shout out to all the people who told me to see a shrink. Sorry but Im too strong for that shit. Rakenrol.

[lunaticwanderess]

One morning you woke up feeling mad at yourself and you have no idea where it came from. It sucks that you can't remember all your dreams coz it might have something to do with what you are feeling today. It started last night. I was talking to a guy (whom Ive been talking to for a week now). Nothing really happened that night. I was tired from doing the laundry all day. Then when I was done, I started browsing in my phone. Then an odd feeling hit me and I became sad. I dunno. I fucking dont know why. I tried to sleep at 1 a.m. Then another guy called me. He was drunk. Last time we talked over the phone was he was also drunk. We talked for two hours. Nothing made sense about our conversation. Then I fell asleep. And now I am feeling this kind of shit. It always happens to me. I dunno if many of people who have anxiety disorder feel this or I am the only one. Or maybe only few of us. I dont want this feeling. I wanna be happy. I wanna enjoy my meals. I wanna talk enthusiastically to everyone -in social media or in person. I wanna live every single day of my life. I dont like it when my tears suddenly fall without reason. I dont want that kind of feeling of being alone even when I am around with people and laughing with them over dirty jokes. I just wanna be genuinely fucking happy. I am not longing for anyone to make me feel better. I know, I am tired of being alone but I am also used to people who always make me feel alone and unloved. I dunno what I want or where to find happiness. Or how to find it. I am so helpless. And miserable.

[lunaticwanderess]

what you reap is what you sow. whatever you do or give to others, it will definitely come back to you. what did you do to those street children selling sampaguitas and stuff? yes they might be annoying and yes they have their own parents to feed them and yes theres dswd, but man, do you know each street child's story or present situation? ten pesos wont cost you a lot. call it tolerating. i call it kindness. also, what did you do to cashiers and customer service reps? have you been nice to them? did they shout at you to shout back to them? no. they still respectfully followed your demands. they just made a petty mistake then all of a sudden youre in rage. nobodys perfect. and youre attitude is your flaw for that matter xD. be nice. especially when you have no idea how to work on graveyard shift. yes its their job to assist you but it doesnt mean you have all the luxury in the world to be mean or rude to them. watch your words. say "thank you" or "youre welcome" always and smile even though they dont. coz they might be tired just like you. smile is contagious my dear. thats all. my two cents upon wondering around balanga. there are really insensitive and selfish people around.

[lunaticwanderess]

my thoughts are fucking my brain so hard. please hear me out. i just realized everyone is so fucked up coz we keep dwelling on the past, we choose to stay in the dark. and by past i mean everything that was fucked up, that made you miserable- being used and rejected, feeling unloved and worthless. youll keep fucking things up and hate everything about yourself. you keep believing in the thought that everything happens for a reason. and the things that caused you pain will make you stronger. thats bullshit. life is a choice. whatever or whoever hurts you doesnt make you strong, its your choice to be strong. you might be a good and kind person but, honey, every one is evil by nature. its no ones fault why youre in that pitfall. well yeah maybe they happened to be the trigger substance of your disease, but still the choice of being healthy lies on your own will. its not the people around us. its how we respond to their cruelty, to the cruelty of this world. get beaten down and cry like what you did during your childhood days when your playmates made fun of you. but remember you have a choice of getting back up and kill the fucking monsters in your head. it might sound a little bit cliche but listen honey its a matter of choice. im not saying that we have already overcome the darkness we are in now, that we are anew and holy, that we are all good now. in fact, we keep fighting. and we will forever be fighting this illness as long as we are taking oxygen from this devastated world. all im trying to say, honey, is that there is really light at the end of the tunnel. be alight at least for that moment. then proceed to the next tunnel. forget pain and the fear. keep reaching for light -thats the battle we are in. it keeps recurring. yes i know it sucks but thats fuckin life. now, its the choice weve made whether to keep moving and die victorious under the sunrays or the moonlight... or just die in that dark fuckin tunnel and be the food for predators and cannibals or whatever creature it has... youve been so strong my friend. too strong to see a shrink like what they say. know this and remember this, we dont need anybodys help. were not insane. seeing a ghost is a thing. ordinary people dont see it. we're thinking both inside and outside the box that made us confuse where we are now. that made the people we love confuse about the beauty inside us. they cant see the art and poetry forming inside our minds. they cant understand us. so they choose to leave us alone. but then again, my friend, its okay. its gonna be okay. dont look back and chase them. be strong. the darkness may be consuming you right now, but please dont let that little light you see fade away. Time stamp 1:46 am 01.11.2017

[lunaticwanderess]

Anyone?

I had this weird dream awhile ago or im not sure but it does feel like it just happened right before I woke up. So here it goes. I dreamed about myself slept with my workmate. I dont like this workmate irl, as in not even one bit. Then after we woke up, he started catching others’ attention outside the room. I was like, “Hey asshole don’t you dare make a noise or anything that will catch somebody’s attention, I dont want them to find out that I slept with a moron like you.” but then he did it anyway. Everyone outside were pretty curious who was the girl he slept with as I acted sleeping covering my whole body with blanket. Then when he went outside the room, he locked me in. He started yelling that I should brush up or something so I can get outside the room and he called my name heard by a lot of people. So I got busted. I got so angry I went outside and trashtalked him. Lol. Then I woke up (Back to reality). I checked out my twitter account and then stalked him (Jay). He posted a picture in a hotel room. A picture of his feet. He was lying on a bed with his cap. But as I was looking for more details in that picture, my eyes caught the two bottles of beer and two bottles of water on the table. What was he doing there alone at 5pm. Two beers would just be fine but damn, two bottles of water was not. and if he was with someone, of course thats not a male unless he is gay. Ughh. Right in this moment I am still bothered. And again, I am starting a feeling of hatred. And I dont want it to dwell in my heart. I dont even want to entertain any hatred. I dont want it. I dont. Can anyone interpret my dream in connection with what happened awhile ago?

[lunaticwanderess]

Why can’t I hate you? Why does my hatred always end up missing you?

[lunaticwanderess]

My dreams are really weird. The night before last night, I dreamt about myself riding a bicycle uphill to take my father’s lunchbox at Sibul Spring. I changed my mind by thinking that some crew out there might give him the food, so amidst of my way i went back home. And on my way home, I saw Laica (my close friend) and took my newly bought slippers which were color red. Also my nephew was riding with me. Then last night, I dreamt of him. We were on a date because it was his birthday. It was awkward to greet him a happy birthday.

[lunaticwanderess]

I miss this kind of night with you.

[lunaticwanderess]

Pareho tayong nagmula sa mga tula. Akda ng tinta sa magkaibang linya. Inilaan para sa iba Di para sa isa't isa.