#longparagraph

[turkey-ate-my-television]

Honestly man idk I haven't been truly happy in a long time and I don't know what to do about it. Okay as a rundown I'm just gonna say that I am 18 years old and I've graduated from high school last year. I'm currently working as a waitress although the low pay is mentally killing me as I barely earn enough to live yet alone go out or study (anyone else feel??) I also teach an elderly fitness class once a week and I've been looking for better paying work as a laboratory technician for the past two years. I currently live with my boyfriend, who shares my love of science and works as a laboratory technician. I mean I have my boyfriend who has been amazing and 100% supportive of me even when I shut off or get grumpy for no reason or just burst into tears just because sometimes I get too much for myself. He remains calm and concerned when I physically can't find the words to describe why I'm feeling so horrible and why nothing feels right and honestly as someone who's so scared of people lashing out or getting annoyed at me for my relapses he's been an angel. He's been there for me through every tear, every break down but I keep breaking and I can see it's really concerning my boyfriend- it's so hard. I'm sick of having days where the mental strain is strong enough to break me down and make me attack myself and make me feel completely wrong for being alive even though I made the decision that I wanted to continue living. So why does my mind insist that I live everyday as a ghost? I hate feeling like I don't even wanna put up with myself, I'm sick of my days hinging on whether I'm mentally stable enough to actually engage in my life bc lord forbid I go out and I break myself again~ I'm sick of feeling like I've almost lost everything I am- right down to my sense of humour and my sense of who I am. I feel like I'm an outline of a person surrounded by happy, unique, whole people and it fucking hurts. The shitty thing is that it boils down to me. I have no one else to blame then me. I knew I wasn't okay but I pushed and pushed myself for a long time until I couldn't be pushed anymore and my mind went into meltdown and I can't pull myself back. I pushed my friends away and distanced myself from people and now I've pushed myself too far and I've lost whatever tethered me to conversation. My boyfriend believes I've been misdiagnosed and the antidepressants I take (and have been trying to get off) are good some days and wildly swing my moods and mentality the next. Some days I spend all day crying and I pretty much can't leave the house and no matter what I do I can't make myself feel better it's so shit.

[chocolatevideogames]

the first night & the last night

There’s a girl & a guy in the same school, they were never close, just merely friends on facebook.

One night, they had one of those deep late night conversations. For some reason she trusted him. Soon, they started talking everyday through social media, they could talk about everything & anything.

The guy started flirting with her, though. He says he misses her & compliments her, suggesting the two of them together. She, slightly startled but would flirt back. The girl started getting attached to him, developing an interest she could not deny any longer. She never told anyone about him, not even her best friends. She did not want anyone else getting interested as well so it was her little secret.

They continued talking, sometimes greeting each other in school. He would often look at her in a special kind of way. A few months passed, they stopped talking for a couple of days, he asked why in a sad way & she said she was afraid of annoying him. He confidently said she never annoyed him. She soon found herself knowing him & liking him more and more, wondering if that was what love is.

Then, they continued talking until a few weeks later, she noticed a heavy disinterest in the way he speaks to her. He never said anything else. Taking the hint, she starts distancing herself from him.

They soon never talked at all, they don’t even look at each other in school. She notices he doesn’t look at her the same way anymore. She wondered if he ever meant anything he said. Weeks turned to months, and they were like strangers.

They would often walk by each other in the hallway, as if they have never met. Soon, he obviously started getting interested in another girl. He would compliment the other girl much more & was closer to her than the first one. After that, another girl.

The first girl realises that she was never once, the least, important to the boy.

Maybe he finds entertainment in flirting with girls, giving them hope and security, then just leaving without a word. He, of course would never burden himself with a real relationship, how else would he get out of it so easily?

After many months of missing him, checking up on him, the first girl, accepts this and decides to move on.

The cruelest thing you can do to a person is pretending you love them.

[rhyliesays-blog]

I've decided I want a man. Not a boy, but a man to be my lover. He has to be photogenic, because he wants to be my model. He has to love art and love all of my spooky and lovely things in life. He's clean, and romantic with words. He respects the words I cannot bare to hear. He uses surprises, pleasant surprises, to cheer me up when I'm down because I do the same for him. He loves to write, if not by hand, typing, and he is more than willing to leave letters for me to read on occasion. For no reason but his own.

He's willing to talk, all the time. He listens, but he gives his opinion every time. Sometimes he's soft and gentle about it, other time's he's brash and tells me I'm wrong. There will be times I'm so stubborn I can't listen to the world, but after chewing on his words, I should be able to listen to him, sometimes it may only be him, because he's one of two men in the world I can trust.

He loves poetry, and especially poetry about him. He must enjoy constant flattery, not because it makes him feel good, but because it's true and it's true all the time. He will never yell at me for saying, "I love you." ,three times or more a day. But he'll yell at me playfully in good humor. He loves music, the same music as I do. We sing and dance for our greatest reason is for the sake of being alive.

He has to know my past. He know's the why's and keeps me looking to a brighter future. He has to have been my friend. He has to know what Aquarius in the seventh house means. He has to accept my hobbies and my obsessive, passionate nature. Bowls are complicated, and he accepts it, because he is obsessive and passionate too. Spiritually, we are on the same path, our culture is unique, broad, and beautiful. We do not share the same religion, but we may share the same philosophies. We share our beliefs and tie them into our home and everyday lives. We live by science, by the unseen and by mythology.

He has to know health is important. And my health is equally important as his. Hereditary research is vital, and should spark a pastime hobby for the two of us. He knows I can't live in repetition, because I fall apart. Nor can he and that's how it should be. We have to meet new people. Even when school is over, we're going to occasional classes. Not the kind that last all semester, but the events hosted for a day or so. Culinary arts, museum walks, art workshops, yoga, and wine tastings.

He know's I'm always entertaining, always on stage, in and out of public eye. He knows what it's like to live your life like a movie. If he stood in the stage with me, our stage, it would mean a lifetime to share the spotlight. He's intelligent, and makes me strive to know more. I'll always chase his knowledge, and I'll never stop. We talk about what we know, how wrong we are or how right.

He loves nature, respects nature. Needs his animal companions just like myself, and takes part in feeding ducks at a pond when I'm collecting myself. He thinks it's wonderful to watch all the animals of nature sit beside us to break bread together. He's fine with my need to bury animals and give them blessings when these things happen. He's fine with my love of funeral, and my interest in cultural relations to death. He's natural and unnatural, just like me.

He loves me. And not only does he love me, he loves me back, and does so passionately. Sincerity. Loyalty. Honesty. Trust and bewilderment. He knows I do things out of feelings, intuition, like posting this article right now. I have no reason, I just have an urge, and maybe sometimes he'd get frustrated with things like this, but he'd find it strange and enchanting. And hiding little gifts around the house of all shapes and sizes. Riddles and scavenges, just to tease and excite us, because the feelings are right at the right moment.

We'll have our fights. We'll have our tantrums. But after we wake up and the sun trickles through the curtains, we know that we can always try again with a bright clean slate. Our feelings are as fragile as porcelain tea cups. Cold, in need of the warmth of another's hot tea. Sometimes we get dropped, often by accident. But we live by the optimism of Kintsugi, sealing the cracks with gold, maybe after enough breaking, we'll learn to withhold the fall, and maybe another day be solid gold.

I'm always going to be Queen, one who rules my world of own creation. And you the Lord and creator of your own. Maybe someday we will build a bridge, handfast a year and a day, and learn to live freely with each other. I don't know where you are my love, or who when I do find you. But I write my signature upon this night within the fabrics of the universe, your description of my proposal. It may change in time, as with all things that grow. I sign this name for you are somewhere, and I have never rested a night for as long as I can remember, without thinking about what your presence could be like. One wish of mine, an impossible wish, has already been granted, and you are somewhere starling. Even though gods can not be found in all eyes of perfection, your eyes will be perfect in mine.

There is a bridge somewhere, and I'll be waiting there for you.

[temp-estuous]

I don't know why it's so hard to understand that I don't want a boyfriend. A relationship means a lot to me. I have a lot of expectations in a relationship because if I'm with someone, they mean everything to me, and I expect them to make me a priority. I don't think anyone can commit to me in the way I want them to. I had a long relationship. I loved him. I put everything into him and our relationship, and my expectations were repeatedly let down. I had my heart broken a lot of times and kept going back. I regret absolutely nothing. My relationship was amazing. He was amazing. But the relationship put me through so much hurt, anger, jealousy and disappointment. So did he. There was a lot of heartbreak, and it's not something I'm willing to risk happening again. I left him. But losing him was never something i wanted and I was left with nothing but myself to depend on. So I'm looking after myself and my own best interest now. I'll still be attracted to people but I won't be in love again, at least not for a really long time. I don't have the emotional capacity or the time for a relationship. Because I'm spending it on myself. On my study, on my friends, on my family, and just generally being a happy person. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to depend on myself and not on someone that's going to build me up to love them, only to break me down.