#longstuff

[wrenchyyyy]

This letter is for u....

I never tell anyone what’s on my mind. What I ever go through. What I think about every day. This for you.

I am stupid. I am stupid for falling in love with you. You have, had, or been having a bf. I’m dumb for liking that personality that I thought could never be true in anyone else. Personality is sucha strong feature and if I really like ur personality, chances are I will problably fall for you in a heartbeat. That pretty face don’t last forever :P I don’t see it anymore in you tho. I actually don’t see anything left tbh. My number 1 pet peeve is that everyone thinks you’re an angel. Some type of perfect outgoing child and carefree child. You are that but you’re also not. I remember one time I had work and you asked just to get lunch and I got all my work done at work and for school too. I called out of work early. You could say I was excited. Then of course I get a text. “Can we just get ice cream or get something smaller?” Honestly didn’t even bother me. I still would get to see you either way. ( God I’m so stupid). Time comes to hang, of course she flakes. ” Can we just do it another day? Something came up. ” This wasn’t just a one time ordeal. It happened constantly and in my imbecile mind…I honestly was okay with it. I thought that there would be time for me later. HAH wtf was I thinking. She was my #1. I was her 2nd option may be even less. Can’t blame her b/c I only did it to myself but at the same time…Do you not think about how others feel when you flake? But at the same time your time was for your bf and people who are more important to you any ways right? I just don’t see why I was such a fool.

Another pet peeve was that when I needed you most..you couldn’t be there for me ( whole situation with my cancer back issue and my ex). I don’t get it…You would call me at 4 AM to pick you up at a bar. I’m there. I’d called you at 11pm, Sorry I’m busy. Like wtf. I’ve been screwed over so many times but shit lol. I’m an imbecile. :( For just thinking that she would try for me, her friend. lol The truth of the matter is it doesn’t matter if a person has a bf for gf, if you can still “fall” for them. Like i did. I’ll admitt I’m an idiot and most of this is on me. For being such a good kid and for having some kind of false hope she’d treat me like a priority again.

So where do I go from here? I don’t like you anymore. We are both happy. But the thing is..you moved on and I’m still behind. The thing is I can’t get rid of you in my heart or my mind. The thing is it pains me to see I cannot be the same because of you. The only reason I’m a sarcastic asshole is b/c of you. ( Good or bad?) The only reason I’m so closed off form the world is b/c of you. My trust level is at like the Patriots, Jets, and Bills. Not alot at all lmao. I can’t fully talk to anyone without thinking they will backstab or betray me in some way shape or form later on/

Never fall in love. It changes you. I hope no one ever has to experience heart-break. The feeling of putting yourself out there fully for someone and then they just take advantage of it. The world is a cruel place and sometimes I just need to get away. If only people REALLY knew how I felt or think haha. They wouldn’t like me at all.

I sound like a fag but I guess it’s better than bitching and crying to someone.

[kerryalaska]

sometimes i miss brooklyn so fiercely i'm pos. that my heart is going to crack open or explode or melt or dissolve or something reallybad. i miss brooklyn all the time, like an underlying emotion that is in the background of all other emotions but then a sound or a color or an image will trigger a hard rise and fall of it. deep. i miss the mountains too, bad. i miss the air n our old house, the music n light. i worry about how nostalgic i can be it's really,really intense. i guess it's hard though, to move past such marvelous things when where you are presently leaves you empty and achey. my soul needs somethingmore than here.

i've always been so in tune with my environment it's always been a thing for me and i've always taken measures to create a space for myself wherever i was, inside-wise, that spoke to me and turned my kerry soul on, shut the rest out, etc. but the town or city i live in too has always been really important like i can go somewhere and immediately i know my soul is good there. my soul belongss, i feel lighter, and i melt more into the air, i am a part. and here whenever i walk outside, literally as soon as i do my heart sinks like i feel i've been punched in the belly. and music is so hard to listen to here because i only always find myself  sad and desperate for the places i used to listen to it. 

i guess it won't be long though, til we move. i guess a lot of this, too, has to do with the fact that i'm trapped sort of, in illness  but i still think it would help me heal, to be able to connect, to a place. and to find uplifting, soul-touching moments somewhere that's all possible. i need it. again.

i am crazy-googling YA novels with multiple narratives because chloe only seemed interested bigtime in a book like that and i try so hard to get her reading a lot and now i have a list of goodgood ones and i am excited. when i was 10 i was reading serious adult novels only, like eating them up. really. i'd go through a book a week. i still do. i got her really into harrypotter but mostly just with the movies and story, she read the first book and maybe a lil of the second but she always plays up like she's excited about a book and then doesn't finish it, i'm like c'mon girl don't you want a magical childhood? full of booklove? i get antsy about their lil childhoods bc mine was so very special and out of this world magical (i mean i'm sure everyone feels this way b.c. it's childhoodand yea) but growing up in brookyn was SO colorful, like the people - their stories and styles were vibrant and so unique, like everyone stood out in their own way, no one/nothing was ever the same and everything was so cultured and the adults in my life were so intelligent and witty and wise and the colors of buildings had this way of warmth and the idea of walking through the cities- what that means- is like essential to my soulbeing. it 100% shaped my brains and perception and thought process and imagination. like encountering so many different stories within one block and so much happening so many beautiful things happening all at once -- even the quiet moments were big. i felt so kerry there. gah it was just. good. it's justdark here.