John Green // "It's Quiet Uptown" (Hamilton) // House of the Dragon // Downton Abbey // The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (Taylor Jenkins Reid) // Hamnet (2025) // Avatar: The Last Airbender // The Last of Us // Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
Warning: talk of grief, dissociation, Schizophrenia, talk of psychotic behavior, child murdering, talk of losing a child, includes dialog with alicent etc.
Alicent hightower was your only half sister. She wasn't the best big sister growing up.... she mostly preferred to spend her time with her best friend Rheanyra. Not that you cared, but you were lonely most of the time and just wanted a shoulder to cry on. When you only 10 Alicent was ten and five, almost an adult. She didn't need you. But you needed her.
Even though you both didn't share the same mother you shared the same father and last name you thought it would mean something to her. You always thought yourself as a burden to alicent, maybe it was because her father had you with another woman when her mother died. But that wasn't your fault and she knew that, she just couldn't bring herself to acknowledge you. To her you simply didn't exist.
When the king viserys wife died your father, the hand made sure he secured Alicent's future. Sometimes you think alicent hated you because she learned from him, he too didn't keep record of you either. Never thought of you or even spoke to you at times, he knew he had two daughters. But it was only when viserys asked about you he would tell him something he already knew.
Your father manipulated the king into marrying Alicent so that the throne can be succeeded after Aemma, and also so that Alicent can bear a heir to the king. When this happened, you the younger and half sibling was sent back to oldtown to continue your studies.
You found yourself rather more lonely in a big castle, it was as if you had no family, atleast one who cared. Many years passed and you heard stories of your sister having children of her own. Four to be exact. Aegon, who became king after viserys later died, Aemond the trouble maker, Helaena and daeron. You never had a children and was never married off.
Your father never paid any attention to you, so he completely forgot about your future while trying to maintain the other. He didn't care about you, even if you were his blood. This separation never made you hate alicent or envy her or her children, infact you adored them as if they were yours.
Helaena was sent to stay with you once, when she was only ten and three, at that time she was pregnant with her twins, who you only met once had their name day when they were only two. The probably wouldn't remember you now. You remembered that little jaehaerys didn't even want to interact with you, he just wanted to play with his dragon toy.
You loved helaena, she some how reminded you of yourself. Alone and casted out. Maybe even sometimes used for people's own pleasure. She was born and married to her own ruin, sometimes you think alicent gave birth to her own pain. Helaena was truly like a ray of sunshine. She loved nature and insects. It's crazy how alicent was capable of giving birth to someone like her.
Kind and caring, passionate even. When daeron, alicents last and youngest child was sent off to oldtown he also reminded you of yourself. But he too was also kind, brave and courageous.
With the war going on and rumors spreading of kings landing being in distress with little to no food you knew you had to pay helaena a vist. You wanted to make sure that she knew she had someone in her corner, someone to back her and support her always, without judgment and criticism. Someone who doesn't think she's weird for being who she wants to be.
You also heard of King aegon removing your father as hand and his return to oldtown. To be truthful you didn't want your father around. He didn't know you, he never tried to atleast know what you liked to eat, you understand that he tried to make alicent feel loved because she was the oldest and because his lover, her mother died but your mother also died and no one showed you any remorse or told you that they were sorry.
They all treated you like you were iron and that you could handle anything. You put on your favorite green dress with puffy sleeves, the one alicent would make rheanyra bully you about when you were kids and you curled your hair and did two small braids that connect with eachother in the back. You made your way out to the courtyard to leave when you saw your father arriving.
He looked betrayed and hurt but when he saw you his eyes didn't even light up and show any more hurt, maybe to say a silent 'I'm sorry' for casting you off. He stood still and stared at you before continuing to walk. He walked past you and went into the castle with some guards following behind. You stood there for a while, trying to accept what just happened.
Your own father, after all these years still ignoring you as if you were still a child, still a young fragile thing to be casted off. You would sound silly but your heart shattered. Your father didn't show you any love, mostly because he was always away but seeing him face to face and meeting the same cruel fate made your heart ache even more.
You fought back your tears and continued your walk towards the carriage, you got in and began your journey towards kings landing.
Upon arrival you noticed just how big the castle was, maybe it's because you haven't been there in a while, it all felt weird but also like you were at home. A guard opened your door and took your hand in his, carefully walking you down the step. He then bowed and stepped aside. Your eyes were immediately met with your sisters bright ones and a small warm smile can be seen on her face.
" good morrow sister, you didn't tell me you were coming" she shouts over all the noise as she approached you with her hands behind her back. You smiled and shook your head also approaching her.
" and yet you still knew" you replied as you both came to a halt infront of eachother.
" so...." She paused, her eyes taking you in, so many years she missed. She did Blame herself for not having a quite proper and stable relationship with you.
" what brings you back to kings landing, I thought you hated it here" she joked, gently bumping into you as she started walking inside with you following along with guards closely behind. You scoffed at her statement and looked around at the small folk walking around, some of them looking rather hopeless and exhausted, working hard with such little income and barely any food.
Your smile slowly fades and you turn to look at her to only find her already looking at you.
" I grew up here alicent, it wasn't your home more than it was mine" you whispered with a hint of sadness in your voice. Alicent looked away as you both continued walking towards the castle. Her heart sank as her remembered just how terrible she'd treat you. As if you were nothing to her, as if you meant nothing, when in truth you did.
It would be unfair if her excuse to treating you that way was because she was grieving, she doesn't have an excuse actually, because there were so many years for her to make up for her lost efforts. You both were adults now, there was no longer any space for childish behaviors.
She clears her throat as she feels the tension building.
" so did you see father on your way here?" She asked stopping in her tracks as the guards opened the door for you both to walk through.
" he doesn't speak to me alicent" you replied looking around the castle admiring the halls you once would run along in. Alicent bits her lips and looks at you, just now is when she sees just how much pain and burden you had to carry with you and your only half sister wasn't there to offer a hand in help.
" I used to spy on you from over there" you muttered, pointing to a tree that stood tall behind the garden area. A small curved smile can be seen from the corner of your lips but it quickly disappears as alicent speaks up again.
" why are you here y/n" she askes, and although it's a question it somehow sounds like a statement. It did make you feel somehow hurt though, and suddenly you felt like a child again, not feeling welcomed where ever you went, always being asked why you thought your presence would be requested when it was clearly not.
" i— I just wanted to vist—" before you could answer her aemond appears from around the corner.
" aemond! My God you've grown! Come give me a hug!" He smiles at you and opens his arms lovingly and invites you into his embrace.
" pleasure seeing you here auntie" he says hugging you tigher by the waist, aemond was always known as quite the charmer, his beautiful jaw line and well toned muscles it's a shame rhaenyra's son took one of his eye. You couldn't vouch for aemond though, he was indeed a trouble maker back in his younger youth.
But aemond thought he was on top of the world because of his dragon vhgaer the biggest dragon to be alive now, visenya's dragon. You were proud of the legacy he was making for himself, but couldn't wait for the day to arrive where he meets his breaker.
" where's your brother aegon?" You asked and he only looked at his mother before glancing back at you, he flashed you a small smile, kissed your hand and then went his way. You found it strange that he didn't respond. You looked at alicent who now looked as if she was the one carrying the weight of the world.
" where's aegon?" You asked and she only looked away and started fidgeting with her nails, you looked down and saw how tender and bruised the flesh was, you quickly knocked her hand away and took them into your.
" stop it," you whispered, alicent could hear the love in your voice, only if she had shown it to you.
" there's alot you don't know about y/n.... you've missed so much" she whispered, you could tell she was getting emotional but you weren't gonna allow her to shove your absence in your face as if it was your fault.
" I've missed so much?! You and father practicality casted me out as if I was garbage! You never talked to me! You both shut me out of your lives so what I don't know is what you've both chosen me not too" you spoke and you knew your words hit her like brick stones because you could see the regret writen all over her face.
You scoffed at her. She always did her wrong doings and expected everyone to take pity on her and suddenly forget about it and yield to her foot and kiss it as if she were the most perfect and innocent.
" you should be ashamed of yourself" you spat those words harshly to her and made your way up the stairs. You tried to remember where helaena said her chambers were located the last time you saw eachother. Surely things had changed since she became queen but how much changed could one take without leaving space for the old.
You approached the nearest chambers, the guards bowing before they let you in and closed the door behind of you. You stood still when you saw helaena, sitting on the floor with a little lizard in her hand holding it ever so gently. At the corner of the room was little Jaehaera and a serving woman. A sense of joy filled you, you felt as if you were whole again.
You smiled at the woman and she smiled back before returning her attention to the little girl before her. You approached helaena and stopped right infront of her, allowing her to notice you herself.
" what do you want mother" she whispered sadly, you smile grew as you giggled.
" I'm afraid I'm a far cry from your mother laena" you spoke, helaena's eyes snapped up towards yours and a wide smile flashed across her face. She immediately put down her pet lizard and stood to hug you.
" auntie!" She shouted, wrapping you tightly in her embrace. You laughed and hugged her back just as tight.
" it is I child" you said kissing her forehead. She released you and walked towards her bird cage leaning down.
" this one..... lily...she was my favorite and then one day she stopped singing...." She muttered under her breath, in a sad way. You looked over at Jaehaera and smiled.
" it's crazy how quickly they grow.....where's jaehaerys?" You asked, helaena turned towards you and you could see the colors of happiness in her eyes fading away at your question. You hear the lady pick up the young girl, turning to look at them you see them leave. A wave of sadness filled in air and your mind began to race. It's the same look you received when you had asked about aegon.
" they killed the boy....." She whispered under her breath hardly audibly for you to hear. You feel your heart sink and your stomach twist in a terrible way, you felt like throwing up. Your eyes widen as you looked and helaena and suddenly this vail that was there had vanished, you saw the grief in her eyes. How did you not realize it when you entered.... you thought she was happy.....
You only have a small memory with jaehaerys, he was a baby at the time, he bearly wanted to see you he preferred to play with his dragon toy. You couldn't even imagine what helaena may be feeling.... she was forced into having children, to succeed the throne. She gave birth to her boy, learned to love him, just so he can be taken away.... his pain is ended but helaena will forever have to live with that grief.
" I— I know I'm not supposed to grieve him..... people lose babies all the time, who I am to grieve what is always lost" she got up and stood at the window, looking out.
" now they call me the mad queen" she says looking back at you, before she walked back over to her to her birdcage. Your heart broke seeing her this way. Why wasn't alicent comforting her daughter? Helaena deserved better than this, she never asked for any of this.
" why won't you sing?" Her voice weak as she looked at her bird, you took a step closer behind her and studied the bird closer, trying to see if maybe it was sick, but that's when you realized.... the bird was dead.... it looks like it's been dead for weeks, anybody could see that. But for some weird reason helaena was convinced that it was still alive. Tears formed in your eyes as you looked at the girl.
" I watched them kill him.... they chopped off his head.... Mother had him paraded said, it would make the people draw closer" she whispered moving back across the room to sit. You knew alicent was self righteous but how could she be so cruel, to see her own grandchild slaughtered and still have his body paraded...... and aegon allowed this?...
You immediately walked over and sat besides helaena and placed her hands in yours. They were cold and soft — she never allowed anyone to touch her, only you because you gave her comfort and she only trusted you. You leaned in and kissed her forehead.
" oh my sweet girl helaena" you whispered as a tear rolled down your cheek, you hugged her once more before leaving the room. You walked briskly towards alicents room, Rheanyras old room. The rage and anger in you felt overwhelming, how could she allow helaena to suffer like this? You accepted your fate with her a long time ago but you will not allow her to make the same mistake with her children.
You pushed the doors open, not even waiting for the guards to address you. You closed the door behind yourself and looked across the dim candle lit room. Sitting infront of the fire place was alicent, getting wasted on wine. You marched up to her and knocked the glass out of her hand causing it to shatter with a loud crash on the floor.
She looked at you in surprise but just got up and walked over towards the wine cabinet.
" how dare you!?! Helaena is suffering and you sit here drinking wine as your daughter is slowly losing her sanity! I will not allow your children to suffer the same fate I suffered alicent, I will not see them endure the kind of pain you had me endure!" You yelled and she turned on her toes to challenge you.
" Oh don't smother me y/n" she said breathlessly.
"What happened to the alicent I know? Huh? The "where's duty, where's sacrifice"? Rhaenyra was right about you. You leave scars on everyone alicent! Me, Rhaenyra, helaena. Father gave you everything and yet you act as if your the worst" you shouted and she walked quickly towards you.
" Oh haven't I given enough y/n! Spare me! I have tried to keep this family together for years while mine own was falling apart! So pardon me but not everyone had an easy life like you!" She shouted back, pointing a finger at you. You scoffed.
" i had an easy life, do you hear yourself? And your life was falling apart really?!?!" You asked taking a step closer to her.
" Yes! My fucking life! My son lies on a bed where it is unclear if he may live or he may die! Haven't you all taken enough from me?! You, father, viserys, I am tired, I have tried! You think I wanted this!? I am a mother y/n something you'll never be! I actually have a life to live and worry about you do not!" She shouted, her words cut through you deeper than a knife.
how dare her..... after everything you had to do, just to see her become queen she treats you like shit. You walked up to her and smacked her across the face hard, she gasped and her hand immediately flew over the redden area. She turns to look at you and that's when realization hits her, she saw how broken you were, how fragile. You were just as human as her.
" I don't have a life because father gave you everything! I had to hide behind your shadow my entire life, I was the one who was casted off, sent to live in the scrubs and ashes while your ass sits on a pretty throne, i—i" you voice breaks as tears fall from your eyes faster than expected. Alicent's heart break seeing you cry, she never saw you cry, yet it made her sad.
" I was there for you my entire life alicent! Even though you were a bitch to me I still cared! I didn't turn my back on you and never once did you take me back and say 'I'm sorry'! Your son daeron is being raised in my care! And yet you call me the selfish one, I have no life because I was busy tending to yours! I was robbed of a future because of you. Father gave you everything!" You just couldn't hold back, you needed everything off your chest because it really did hurt.
" and I'm not a mother?! If i was I'd be a better than you'll ever be! Your grandson died at the hands of your own doings, your daughter is convinced her pet bird who looks like he's been dead for 3 weeks is alive! And I pray aegon dies so that you could feel what it's like to lose a child" you knew your words stabbed straight through her.
She swallowed as her eyed overflowed with tears, a soft sob escapes her as she sits. You look over at her table to see moon tea..... you bit your lips and shook your head in disbelief.
" you were right about one thing sister...... I, will never, ever, be you" you whispered, her lips quivered as she followed your eyes and notice the moon tea. She gasped and shook her head, more tears falling. She knew it was wrong but what would people say if she brought fort another child, especially with viserys being death for quite some time.
You turned on your heels and proceeded to walk towards the door. Just as you were about to reach for the handle a hand grabs your waist and spins you around. Alicent immediately falls into your embrace and hugs you tightly.
" please sister.... your all I have left" she whispered. You wanted to push her off you and tell her it's a lie but you knew she wasn't bluffing. You sighed and cradled her head.
" I missed you, I missed us" she whispered, her nails digging into the fabric of your dress.
" there was never an us...." You said, you feel her pull back and look up at you, you avoided her gaze but you feel her hurt.
" if you excuse me I must get back to helaena" she immediately released you and you left the room. You returned to helaena's bedroom where you tried your best to make her happy, to let her have a feeling a joy atleast while it lasted. The both of you danced and laughed until you collapsed on the ground crying tears of joys.
Helaena looked over at you and smiled and you returned it. Maybe being an aunt to Alicent's children weren't as bad after all.
Sometimes morning are the hardest. When I first wake up. Those few moments when reality sinks in. And I have to remember that my son is gone. And he's not coming back. Three and a half years
and the pain still cuts like a knife. Sometimes, mornings kick my ass.
Finding all the puzzle pieces... At first I just cried and slept. I read up about the "fog" and "the stages of grief". I had to concentrate where I parked my car, put my phone and my keys. AND no!!the stages of grief make it sound like long periods-it's a lie!! 100 emotions in one day. The more information I gathered the more I tried to put this unsolved puzzle together- I read up, the body's reaction in a suicide/Survival rates/Google was not my friend. Waking up I hear :my child is dead. During the day: my child is dead. I even checked all her messages-again, and again, maybe it was a mistake. Any time soon I'll read: Hey Ma... Hoping, waiting, but all that there was, was silence. A deafening absence of my child's voice. My child is dead.
