Long post.
Long winded post possible sorry.
But, I lost him october 23rd, a part of me died. Im struggling to live second by second since all my family is basically dead. I lost my world when I lost my dad. Everything from my heart, spirit soul and everything aches. My body is in constant pain more than it was before, my depressions gottten 10× worse. My anxiety feels like im trapped on a Rollercoaster at the very top, peering down as if im falling.
He got diagnosed with esophagus cancer about a year and 7 or 10 months before his passing, it traveled down his liver and then ruptured his stomach. We lost him for 5 minutes and then he came back after being life flighted. He then got really better, thought he'd be besting it. But then it went to his brain.
He did radiation, chemo, treatments. Wanted to fight and fight. He was doing his best. I wanted to him to live. I went to 5 of his many appointments due to me working 17 to 14 hour shifts many days of the week at a local sex offender rehabilitation center as a CNA.
my work schedule, taking care of my father, watching him decay in front of me and not being able to take more time away from work killed me. I did everything I could to be in this with him, but i feel like I failed.
I havent got a licence yet, because ive taken care of everything but me, i called the doctor's constantly. I always asked him what was going on, he'd tell me he was getting better, then he'd tell me less and less. I thought it was just the same news so i didnt bother cuz both doctor and dad told me the same things.
I feel like I could have done better.
It went to his brain, he decided to go into hospice I suppose for extra help and he was tired. It killed me. It was 4 months before he died. 3 weeks before he died the hospice people told me to put him in a nursing home. That killed me, they told me i worked too many hours and he was critical so they wanted extra eyes on him.
I failed again, work got in the way, sleep caught me and then keeping the house clean caught me too.
I thought it was a temporary thing, he'd come home and the house would be great, he wouldnt be in another world because he wouldnt be very lucid toward the end, he'd get his memory back.
I was in denial, my heart was hurting.
I saw him 7 times in the home, the last time i saw him was 4 days before he died. I was on my way to work, my coworker took me to see him, he was not lucid until he heard my voice, i said...hey daddy, its kellie. I love you. And my heart broke
He said, oh kellie. I've been waiting for you, i love you. Everything is going to be okay. You are ready for this. Ill never leave your side. You are my baby girl. Gimme a hug.
I held him so tight, loved on him so hard. He kissed me over and over.
I cried.
He held my hand and said he'd see me again, i love you.
Then i left. He became non lucid again.
I was going to go see him on the 23rd.
But i wasnt able to get there.
Mortuary called, told me the news that killed me, my heart died. I was instantly in denial. They made me come to see him..
He looked asleep. I shook him and screamed.
Daddy wake up.
Dad wake up.
I cant do life without you.
You promised you'd be there forever.
I love you.
I talked to him until i became hoarse and cried forever.
I signed all the shit they wanted me to sign but all i felt and still feel is misery, pain, numb, sad, anxiety. All I feel is like a lost child.
I feel so terrible. I miss him. I just want him here. I just feel so empty. Its going to be 3 months soon and I dont feel any better.
I want him in my arms again.
