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Comfort (Jin Bubaigawara X Reader)

Being alone with your thoughts was possibly the worst thing you could be doing right now. Sitting in the darkness of your room, cheeks stained with tears and eyes red, you tried to get rid of the overbearing sensation of...guilt, sadness, loneliness. It all seemed to swirl around in your brain like an angry swarm of wasps, ready to attack with each second you weren't distracted. Having thrown on some feel good music on low, trying to read something that would bring back that smile. When was the last time you smiled? You were sure it was over something stupid like a tiktok video or short clip about a cat. A quick, small laugh and half smile that would dissolve the moment the video was done. The more you thought about it- when was the last time you were happy...? A shudder of a cry escapes past your lips as you try to keep quiet- knowing the walls of apartment complex were thin as paper- and it was one in the morning. You didn't need to wake up anyone- you certainly didn't need to accidentally wake your boyfriend either. As much as you'd love to cry and cling to him, he had it far worse and you knew it. Constantly battling himself- much like you did. But you knew how to silence your pain, you were his 'home' and, honestly, he was yours. Despite trying to hide these feelings behind dark humor or a half assed smile, he somehow managed to make things better. His ability to somehow deal with everything and still be the most kindest and most loyal man you had ever met. Your hand had slipped over your mouth as a hiccup and slight whimper manages to slip out. Nothing was helping this time and it felt like the world was slowly closing in on you. Your tears come back full force as the thoughts take off with you again, reminding you of how worthless you were- how lonely you were- how you weren't worth the life you were given. It bombarded you to the point you were doubled over, hand now firmly pressed to your lips to keep from crying out or sobbing, your other hand shakily gripping your hair. The feelings would be gone by morning...You'd fall asleep and you'd wake up feeling numb once again. But right now- in the late hours of the night when sleep wouldn't drag you in, when the darkness swallowed you whole- it felt never-ending. And that's when you heard his voice, gruff from sleep and concerned. Just the way Jin said your name made the darkness reel back just enough as you quickly look toward the other side of the bed, where the blonde had shifted slightly, propping himself up on his elbows, blinking in the low light of your computer glow. Quickly closing the laptop, you wipe at your eyes and try to find a way to make your voice sound normal. "Sorry, Jin. I didn't mean to wake you." You tell him as you slide your laptop to the side of the bedside table and slowly curl up under the blankets with him. The moment your body is under, he sinks down as well, an arm snaking around your waist to pull you closer. "Are you alright...?" "We need our beauty sleep, babe." He says before grumbling and opening his eyes once more to look at you in the dark. A small hum escapes you as you run a hand through his hair. "Just fine." You lie easily. However, you soon feel his hand on your cheek as he strokes his thumb in small circles. "Then why is your cheek still wet?" "Lying to me- I'm hurt!" He shakes his head a bit, making you tense slightly. "It's nothing, Jin, really. I just get sappy and over emotional at night." You tell him, taking his hand off your cheek. "Mnn...You seriously suck at lying..." Jin yawns as he sits up again, pulling you up and into his lap. "Now let's try that again... Why were you crying?" The male asks, resting his chin on the top of your head, his arms wrapped around you in a comforting way. There was a long pause as you try to think of if you should tell him or not. Unconsciously, you begin to bite and chew on your lip. You wanted to tell him, you really did. But the thought of being so vulnerable- the thought of letting him see the real you, the broken, the damaged, the pieces of you that wanted nothing more than a short drop and sudden stop. Certainly he'd understand better than anyone else! He had too! But- he had so much to deal with already- adding onto that- you didn't want to burden him- or scare him off. You were his rock after all- and if that rock started to slide- who would catch both of you? As thoughts begin to start up again, Jin gently nuzzles his face into your neck, making you tense slightly. "Calm down, your heart rate is astronomical." He mutters against your neck, only really making it skyrocket further. "Hah, look at that, I still have the power to distract you." His other personality chuckles, making you huff lightly and look away. "Come on, just tell me what's up... I always open up to you. I always come to you for help when I start to feel down, like I'm splitting- you're my comfort. So- let me do the same for you." Jin says, now messing with your hair. "I'll do my best to help-" "Or at least help in distracting you and making you smile!" Giving a small sigh, you glance at the male out the corner of your eyes before looking down. "Okay- but- please- don't hate me." You say, making the blonde pull away briefly to look down at you, confused. "I couldn't hate you even if I wanted too." "Except when you eat my leftovers! I still haven't forgiven you for the deep fried cheesecake last week!" At this, you can't help but give a short, small laugh as you lean back into his chest. "Well...I've struggled with really bad depression my whole life." You finally admit, closing your eyes, almost as if afraid to see his expression. "I've been able to bury it around others pretty damn good though. I can easily be around the League or Giran and you- but the moment I have to deal with myself on my own- I dig myself into a deep hole." Feeling Jin's arm move from your waist to lightly tracing your jawline with a finger, you relax a bit more. His touches really were such a nice thing. Gentle and slow. "Most days I just feel nothing. Like- like going through the day is just another task I have to complete. Other days, like tonight- I end up feeling everything at once. There's no stop to it, really." You feel tears slowly stirring up again as you continue. "People half my age have done so much more than me, I feel like, at my age, I should have done something- anything! Yet, I can't find a job, my best friend, only friend and boyfriend are all the same person, I only talk to the League- I don't have friends. And-and." You hiccup as you curl up in his lap, a hand gripping his wrist as you pull it to you in a comforting manner- much like one might a pillow to hold. "I feel like such a disappointment, a failure. Like my life isn't even worth it." Turning to have your face against his chest, you bury your face there and try to stop the flow of tears. "You have to do everything for us- I'm useless- I don't- understand why you'd want someone like me. All I am is a huge headache and mess of a person. I have nothing going for me- so why? Why keep going?" By now, you were sobbing between words and trying to stop the shaking that rocked your body like a chihuahua. Jin was silent for a moment or two- a real concern, as he was almost never quiet. It seriously made you feel like your heart was in a vice grip- maybe you shouldn't had said anything. You start to pull away, looking up at Jin, who had tears in his own eyes as he held you tighter. "I'm sorry- that you felt you couldn't talk to me about this." He says, pressing a few kisses to your forehead, he hugs you as if he could lose you the moment he lets go. "I know how it can be- the loneliness- the fear....I know how it feels." Jin's voice wavered, as if he was keeping himself from sobbing on you as well. "But you're my heart. I can't live without you, doll." He states, his breathing hitched slightly. "We're both pretty fucked up, huh?" A weak laugh escapes the male as he nuzzles his face into you again. "Please, if you're going to help me- let me help you too. When you feel like this, I want to be there to cry with you." "And trust me, I can cry a LOT." This earns a small laugh from you as he smiles down at you in the dark, wiping at your tears. "I'm sorry you feel like that. But I want you to know that I love you, alright?" "Like- a lot. It's unhealthy. I think I might be love sick~" He says, gently clutching his head and hissing. "Shuddup." He mutters before sighing lightly. "I'm here for you, okay? And all these thoughts you have? They're just thoughts. We can get rid of them- like fighting off heroes! They may be strong, but we can overcome them!" "Through love and friendship!" Jin gives you a bright smile. "And you'll always have me! Sorry, you already threw out the receipt , no returns." He then gives you a few little chaste kisses, earning one of those laughs you know he adored so much. A small smile pulls onto your lips as you look up into those grey-blue eyes of his. Maybe this was a good thing for you- for both of you. Opening up to him was relieving and he seemed all too happy to hear you out. Jin had a way with words- even when he didn't mean too. It really did brighten the rather deep and unending tunnel. You knew the feelings wouldn't just vanish...But at least with Jin, there was someone to help you battle off these demons with. The way ahead would be heavily loaded with trials- but maybe just having someone there for you- at your side- would be the saving grace to keep you from diving into a permanent solution to this feeling. "Okay, okay." You sniffle lightly before leaning up and kissing his lips lightly. "I'll try and come to you when I'm like this from now on." You assure him before he gives you a rather excited smile. "I'm gonna be such a good supportive man." He says, pulling you back onto the bed with him, with you resting on his chest. "We're both pretty crazy, huh? Like we cancel out each other's weirdness." He teases as you get comfortable. "Cancel out is a strong way to put it." You hum as you look up at him, his hand gently stroking your hair. "Fine, fine- we help each other out mutually now." Jin chuckles, the rumble in his chest sending such a small signal of happiness to your brain that you finally feel a slight genuine smile. He was such a good man- How you were so lucky to have him, you didn't know. "So- how about some depression sex~?" His other personality asks, making Jin smack a hand to his forehead. "I-Ignore that." He mutters, shaking his head. "This is seriously not the time for that." He says, lightly smacking himself a few times in the head. You grab his hand and gently pull it down, placing a kiss on his palm. "Mnn, maybe it would help distract us though." You tease before giggling as he get's all flustered.

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