If You’re Not a Traditional Pakistani Girl - You’re Fucked!
Not too long ago my engagement fell through. To the people who read my blog, I didn’t post about it here in detail because I wasn’t ready. I’m ready now.
First of all, I want you to understand what a big step marriage was for me. I thought I’d never find love being the kind of person I am. I thought I’d never marry, that I’d make it out of Pakistan and have a job somewhere in Europe. Adopt a kid or two and have a fulfilled life. That was my plan.
I was lucky enough to find someone to love me for me, I’m very difficult to love. If he was here he’d nod in agreement. I’m selfish and stubborn, but I would also do anything in my power for the people I love. He and I were the perfect match and then he proposed. I said yes. His dad flew in from Dubai (his parents are divorced), but before our families could meet his mom wanted to meet me and in his words ask me the following questions:
- Why don’t you cover up (in a burqa)?
- Why do you want to work and not be a housewife after marriage?
- Why do you want to live in a separate household with my son and not in a joint family?
I’ll admit to two things. I’m snobbish about where I live. I grew up in a house where I felt trapped for 14 years in an ABUSIVE AS FUCK joint family. No one can convince me to go back to it ever again. I’m finally living separately with my parents and brother without interferrence from my aunts and uncles and grandma. I would never trade this lifestyle away - and I told him that on our first date to which his response was ‘yeah I want to move out and be my own man too. That’s on the cards’.
If he hadn’t said that, there wouldn’t have been a second date. I’m not the sort of girl who’d tell a guy to do something this big FOR me. If we don’t align on major stuff, it’s ok. Plenty of fish in the sea. It was our first date after all.
Anyway, on our commitment ceremony, in front of all the relatives I had with their already judgmental views about how I was too old to be single, how I shouldn’t be working, how I am too rebellious and how I would never make a good wife/daughter-in-law - my future mother-in-law fell into a tirade of insults with me and mom and my relatives sitting right there. She started with ‘I don’t like this girl. She works and I don’t like that. She doesn’t cover up and I told my son that when I reach her house I will say no to this marriage but all of you are here and I’m outnumbered, so I can’t say no now. Then she fell into a long list of insults about how I wasn’t a girl of character, about how she wont let me work after marriage, how I wasn’t an ideal woman, how I was shorter than his son, or how my skin was darker. It got to the point that I couldn’t sit there without crying (and I’m a person who doesn’t cry often), and I had to walk out and go get my guy from another room. Before I could tell him what’s going on - I think on the day which was supposed to be the happiest of our lives, I cried in front of him the first time as I told him what his mom had said about me in front of everyone. She also added, don’t worry when she comes into my home I’ll fix her. What got to me was that she, in front of everyone who talked smack about me behind my back, proved them right. That a girl like me actually couldn’t get a happily ever after in this country. All the things I had been fighting against, all my insecurities, all the things I told people I would never let define me as a BAD person, were put out in the open as my negative points. Things that needed to be fixed and that she was up for the challenge I provided her with.
His dad seemed like a pretty cool guy though and treated me with utmost respect. Anyway, I decided to let bygones be bygones. I loved him and he loved me, and we were going to live in a different country anyway. Who cares what his mom thought. Then, one day, when I was already at my lowest - the day my closest uncle died, he messaged me saying he didn’t want to leave his mom and didn’t want to move out.
Anyway, we had a discussion, and I told him this was a dealbreaker. It was clear from the start. His dad even agreed on those terms when he met my parents. One thing led to another and then I found out even his dad didn’t think I was a suitable match for him.
I wasn’t a traditional girl with an MBBS degree who planned to stay at home after marriage and cook and clean and raise kids. I wanted to go out and work. Not to mention I make more than the guy I was with - but his mom in front of everyone just said to that ‘I just tell my son, pray to god that he gives you enough money that your wife doesn’t have to work.’
So yeah, starve and pray but don’t let your wife work.
I even messaged his dad later to find out what was wrong, why he suddenly was against me. He said his son wasn’t mature enough to understand life and what he wanted out of it. Basically he said his son wasn’t mature enough to understand that I am not the kind of wife any guy should have.
Basically, if you live in Pakistan no matter how much you love the guy, if you’re not traditional, if you know how to stand up for yourself. if you’re your own person no matter how much you love the guy - the family will come in between you two here. It’s an eventuality. Whether it’s before marriage or after.
Now, I find out his dad brought a proposal from a girl in the US. His parents don’t have an issue with him marrying someone modern from outside Pakistan, just that girls raised in Pakistan should be a certain way. And I wasn’t.
Hear that folks. Hear that.
And that’s how I lost the guy who was the love of my life.
