Love Versus Codependency: How to Have a Healthy Mentality Towards Romance
It has been said that “Love is the same neurochemistry as obsessive compulsive disorder,” with chemicals flooding our bodies during times of romance, causing us to feel slightly obsessive and even dependent upon our object of affection. What then, is the difference between healthy love and unhealthy co-dependency?
Dependence is defined as “the state of relying on or being controlled by someone or something else,” whereas love is described as “an intense feeling of deep affection” or even “a deep romantic or sexual attachment.” While love and co-dependency almost sound similar, there are few differences to be wary of. There is a fine line between the two, yet these subtle differences can result in a very happy, healthy, and functional relationship, or a very unhappy, unhealthy, and dysfunctional relationship. Co-dependency is the reason why many women will stay in relationships with abusive men, or why many men will stay in relationships with women who repeatedly cheat. In other words, co-dependency occurs when there are a million reasons for you to leave someone, and yet you keep searching for that one reason to stay.
Now some of you might be saying, “Wait a second, I think about the person that I love all the time! I am (to a certain degree) dependent upon them; I rely on them for affection, support, and understanding.” In this article, I’ll share with you a few differences to help you discern codependency from love, as well as a few things you can do to kick codependency to the curb.
Let’s take a look at some of the differences between the two:
So now that we’ve looked at a few of the differences concerning love and codependency, the question is what can we do to get rid of any unwanted, codependent behavior?
1. Avoid Over-Investing Your Emotions.
The more you invest, the greater the risk, or the greater you have to lose. I’m certainly not saying never to invest your emotions in another human out of the fear of experiencing any pain or loss. What I am saying is to be wise with how you invest your emotions and at what point you decide to do so. For example, a woman who sleeps with a man too early on in the relationship may experience feelings of insecurity about where the relationship is heading. Because she over-invested her emotions, her feelings of insecurity may result in a sense of co-dependency. She doesn’t want to lose what she’s over-invested in. This is just one example, but over investing can happen in a number of ways. The goal should be that both partners grow together in the amount of love, affection, and interest they invest in each other. Having healthy boundaries and knowing your worth can help you do just that.
2. Find What Brings You Joy and Go There…
One problem among people who are co-dependent is that they place all of their happiness in the hands of the person they are co-dependent on. Rather than placing your joy upon a single person, it’s important to have a wide variety of healthy interests in order to have many things in your life that make you happy—not just one. What brings you joy? What makes you excited for life and living? What are you passionate about? Do those things. Fill your life with those things. Actively seek activities that bring you joy, a sense of productivity, and a healthy self-esteem. I know that for me personally, this means being disciplined in taking care of myself, spending time with those I love, spending time in nature, reading, writing, and learning new things, going on photo adventures, blogging, and making delicious vegan dishes. Ask yourself: "What can I do right now that would bring me more joy?" Or have a list of things you find enjoyable to choose from that you can have at hand so that any time you are feeling negative; you can go out and do one of those things. Surround yourself with like-minded people, passions, and hobbies you enjoy; and you’ll be much more apt to developing a loving partnership, rather than a co-dependent one.
3. Self- Soothe (Take Control of Your Mind)
Codependency has to do with thoughts of fear, worry, abandonment, loss, and a lack of love. The key in overcoming codependency lies within taking control of your mind by gaining mastery of your thoughts. When you have the urge to do something impulsive (something you’re going to either say or do and undeniably regret later on when you’re in a more sane, less emotional state), take a moment to first calm yourself by taking a few deep breaths. Think first, then react. The key is learning train our brains to respond from our rational prefrontal cortex, rather than the emotional limbic system. We can all learn to do this by having a healthy form of stress management, like exercise, yoga, or meditation; and by identifying which areas of our life we have the power to change. Begin to recognize when you are acting out of an emotional response and choose to instead respond unbiasedly and un-reactively. A helpful thing you can do is write out all your daily stresses, and separate them into two categories: Things you can control, and things you can't. Then focus your energy accordingly. Do this, and you'll be one step closer to being a happier, less-stressed, more-balanced, loving, and emotionally stable individual.
4. Self-Love
Something amazing happens when you practice self-love: You realize it is no longer the responsibility of another human to make you feel loved and worthwhile. You have the power and capability to do that all on your own! In practicing self-love you increase your ability to avoid relationships that are dysfunctional, codependent, or otherwise unhealthy. You don’t go “looking for love in all the wrong places” because you are already filled up with it. If it’s not something you already do, then it might be wise to begin taking some time each day and week for a little self-love and self-care. Some of the ways I show myself love are by making sure to eat right, get enough sleep, speak kindly to myself, and engaging in activities that I’m passionate about, and that boost my self-esteem. Practicing self-love is an essential aspect of attracting a happy, healthy relationship.
I hope you all enjoyed this post, and I wish you all the best in life and in love!
For more helpful advice on how to improve your love life, sign up by clicking here to get the inside scoop!
All my Love,
Brigitte xx