Hi! I've been scrolling through my archives, reading old favorites and when I came across your short story "Speechless" written for loveinpanem. I was so excited because I really loved that one but when I clicked on the read more , it was no longer hosted. I looked through your Ao3 and couldn't find it. I was wondering if it was available anywhere else or if you would consider posting it to ao3?
Thank you so much.
The story is here. Maybe I never got around to posting it on AO3? Here goes!
Hey, all! Happy Tuesday! This is Part 3 of my contribution for @loveinpanem‘s Candle for the Caribbean. Thank you to all who contributed to the fundraiser and expressed interest in this story. Trigger warning: mature themes (including infidelity). The rest of the story can be found here.
Starting next Monday (April 2), @everlarkficexchange will begin posting this year’s exchange pieces. As a result, the next part of this story will post after its completion.
Kat: You’re coming over tonight, right?
P: 7?
Kat: ASAP
The hours both flew by and dragged until that evening when Peeta knocked at exactly 7:00. Katniss opened the door and smiled softly when his mouth dropped open. His blue eyes widened and darkened simultaneously as they swept down her scantily clad body and back up to her face.
“Oh. My. Fuck.”
“You like it, then?” Katniss asked and cringed at the hint of insecurity in her voice.
“Like it? I—like it? Fucking A, Kat. This is— You are— Fuck!”
“Then you’ll probably like this too,” she said and ushered him inside. She pushed him back against the door and dropped to her knees. Before he could protest, she unzipped his pants, pulled him free, and pumped him a few times. His erection grew until she was satisfied, and then she took him in her mouth.
“Jesus, Kat. Jesus Christ,” he moaned as she sucked him.
She took her time. By now she was sure of herself. She knew his cock—what made him gasp, what made him beg, what made his knees shake. She pushed her guilt out of her mind and concentrated on him. She loved him, and she was taking her chance for happiness—even if it was only temporary. Madge’s due date had already passed, and they were living on borrowed time.
When he came, she swallowed and kissed him as he shook. As soon as he gathered his strength, he carried her to her bedroom. Standing next to her bed, he kissed her and caressed her bare skin as she pressed against him. The soft orange bra and G-string coupled with the thigh high fishnets and black stilettos gave her confidence she hadn’t felt since her last relationship had ended several years prior.
Peeta’s kisses heated her skin, and she wanted his against hers. She tugged his Henley over his head and threaded her fingers through his blonde curls. Her breasts brushed against his torso, and she allowed herself to trail one hand down over his shoulder, chest, and abdominal muscles. She traced the line of dark blonde hair that disappeared into the waistband of his jeans with the tip of her index finger. Why had he even bothered to fasten them after her greeting?
“Lay down, sweetheart. I want to— Jesus. I have to touch you.”
Katniss stretched, arching her back and thrusting her chest upward. Peeta licked his lips and unbuttoned his jeans before pushing them down past his hips. She looked at him with hunger. The first time she saw him naked, she thought she’d lost her mind because he was so sculpted, but she hadn’t imagined anything. His cock curved upward from a thick thatch of hair nestled between his powerful thighs. She itched to get her hands and mouth on it again, but he seemed to have other ideas.
He settled onto the bed next to her and kissed her languidly. It wasn’t often they had unending amounts of time together, but tonight was special. Madge’s mother was staying with them, and he’d told his wife that he was going to spend some time with a friend from college who was in town. He wasn’t planning to return home until the next day.
As his mouth worked magic against her lips, his right hand stroked her rib cage. Her skin pebbled and she arched against him, but he held her down firmly with his body. At his mercy, she closed her eyes and sighed as he palmed her breast and flicked his thumb over her hardened nipple.
“You’re so beautiful, Kat. And this outfit. Fuuuuuck,” he drawled. “You’re so sexy, and you’re so dirty. I love what we do together.”
His mouth covered her nipple, and he sucked on it through the lace. When she grunted, he reached down to push her underwear to the side. He traced her slit slowly, and she clutched at the sheets to ground herself.
“You like that, sweetheart?” When she nodded, he rewarded her with small bites along her collarbone. “I like everything you do. I love this lingerie. And your hair is gorgeous when it’s down.”
“Peeta,” she panted.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere. Just relax.”
She tried, but the things he was doing to her weren’t meant to slow her heart rate. He massaged every inch of her skin until she wanted to scream her frustration. He drove her to the brink several times but pulled back every time she reached the edge. He was doing it on purpose, she knew, but that didn’t make it any less frustrating.
“Stop stalling,” she begged, and he chuckled.
“So impatient,” he teased. “I thought you’d enjoy the change of pace.”
“Long enough. Now.”
“Oh, I don’t know,” he murmured against her neck. “I kind of thought we might try something new today. I know you’re game to try anything once.”
“Oh god. What? Tell me,” she gasped. “I’m ready.”
“Hold on a second.” It took him a few seconds to adjust, but he leaned back on the bed next to her and sprawled out. When she turned on her side to face him, he nudged her to straddle him.
“How is this getting me off?” she snapped, her patience at an end.
He smirked at her and carded his fingers through her hair. “Get up here, and you’ll find out.”
“What? Up where?”
“Right here,” he answered as he pointed to his mouth.
“Holy shit,” she moaned as she settled onto his face. His lips nipped at her eagerly, and his tongue wiggled inside her. She chanted his name as she rode him. Her head whirled, and she lost track of everything but the feel of him beneath her.
By the time she climaxed, he wasn’t far behind. He pumped himself and she caught him with her stomach. Sated and filthy, they stumbled to the shower and rinsed off together before falling into bed together.
As she switched off the light, he cuddled her into his side and kissed her softly. “I love you, Katniss. If this is our last time together, you should know that.”
“I know,” she whispered, too overcome with dread to say anything else.
They came together more times throughout the night, but morning broke much too soon. Before she could contemplate breakfast, Peeta slipped from the bed, kissed her, and returned home to his wife. She spent the rest of the day spring cleaning her apartment. Somehow that made the shame more manageable.
By Monday morning, Katniss wanted nothing more than to stay home and avoid anyone who might guess what was happening between Peeta and her. Unfortunately, she had several meetings that morning which couldn’t be postponed, and she’d already called in twice since this had started. She’d have to fake it, and she was growing weary of worrying about what others thought about her personal life.
“Good morning, Katniss,” Annie chirped happily when she arrived at the office. “You’re practically glowing today.”
“Must have had some good D over the weekend,” Johanna added, and Katniss sank into her chair as her cheeks flamed. “Oh? Really? Got Blondie out of your system, huh?”
“Better than spanking it with a married man. Hope whoever it is gives it to you good.”
“Johanna, please,” Annie chided. “You’re being incredibly strong, Katniss. I’m proud of you.”
Miserable, Katniss stared at her files and fought to keep her eyes free from tears. She already felt awful enough. When Peeta and she were together, it was too good to care about what she was doing, but this was more than she could bear. She couldn’t take her co-workers telling her how well she was doing when she’d squirted on Peeta’s face less than 48 hours ago.
“Thanks,” she mumbled and headed to the meeting room. Anything to get away from Johanna’s condescension and Annie’s misplaced faith and support.
By lunch, she was exhausted, flustered, and nearing a breaking point. She wanted nothing more than to find someplace private for her lunchbreak with Peeta. They had to talk about what they were doing.
“Do you want to join us for lunch?” Annie asked as she folded her sweater over her arm.
“No thanks. Peeta and I have plans.”
Johanna snorted. “I guess you didn’t hear. Blondie’s got something more important. He streaked out of here about an hour ago. Madge is in labor.”
The news hit her harder than she imagined it would. Her knees wobbled, and she sank back into her chair. With trembling hands, she fished her phone out of her purse and checked her messages.
Nothing.
“I, uh, I need to call him,” she mumbled miserably.
Annie and Johanna exchanged looks, but Katniss hit the call button anyway. Before it could connect, Johanna swiped it from her and ended the call.
“Katniss, I’m going to give you some tough love,” she practically growled. “Peeta is married. He’s going to be a father in a few hours. To a baby he made with his wife. He is not yours to call. Let. This. Go.”
“I have to call him,” Katniss insisted. “I have to.”
“Come to lunch with us,” Annie implored. “We can talk about it.”
I have to get out of here. I’m going to lose it.
Pasting a wide smile on her face, Katniss gathered her purse and phone. “No need. All is well. See you tomorrow. I’ve got some errands to run this afternoon.”
“Katniss, wait!” Annie called, but she’d already fled. Racing down the stairs, she burst from the building and hailed a cab.
P: 911 C-section. Madge and baby both in trouble. Call later.
Katniss stared at her phone in horror and felt bile rise in the back of her throat. She’d imagined this day so many times, but she’d never thought something might actually happen to his wife. She’d fantasized about Peeta’s freedom, his availability to choose her, but she hadn’t wanted this.
She made it into her apartment before she broke down but just barely. She sobbed for her broken heart, for Peeta’s family, for her guilt, for everything she’d done that might have contributed to what was happening in a birthing unit on the other side of the city.
“Please don’t let them die,” she prayed. “We’ll stop. I’ll stop. It never should have happened in the first place.”
The sky darkened outside before her phone pinged. She grabbed it hastily and huffed when she saw the text.
P: Elam Dax Mellark, 7.9 pounds, Madge is weak but ok.
“Praise Jesus,” she breathed. She was typing a response when another message came through.
P: Can’t do this anymore. Gotta be there for E and M.
The message didn’t surprise her, but the hurt that came with it did. They’d always said what they were doing would end when the baby was born. She’d planned for that, which was why she’d dreaded the birth and felt so guilty. If what they’d been doing was okay, they wouldn’t have had to schedule a conclusion.
That knowledge didn’t make it any easier to take that their affair was over. She loved him more than she knew how to process, and she knew he loved her too. They hadn’t talked much about his relationship with Madge, but Katniss knew their marriage wasn’t perfect. In fact, it usually wasn’t good at all. They fought all the time, and nothing he did seemed to please her. Madge hadn’t ever quite forgiven him for saying the wrong name—not that Katniss blamed her. As a result, all the sneaking around Peeta was doing put an extra strain on his marriage.
Katniss’ problem wasn’t only that she loved a married man. She was angry and tired and riddled with guilt. She’d waited patiently for a long time. She’d watched other people find someone to love and begin lives based on marriage and family. She’d been happy for them, celebrated them even, but she was lonely. And she was sad. She wanted what her friends had. She wanted what Peeta seemed so willing to throw away, and it wasn’t fair that the man who was perfect for her as possible was married to someone else.
Annie: Just checking on you. Hope you’re okay.
Katniss: All is well. So happy for Peeta. See you tomorrow!
Katniss swallowed hard and stared at her screen. It was nice of Annie to check on her, but she wasn’t who Katniss needed to talk to. She needed Peeta, but she couldn’t have him. Instead, she called her sister.
“Hello?”
“Prim,” Katniss choked into the phone. “How are you?”
“I’m fine. How are you? You sound terrible.”
“Primmy, I—”
Dissolving into tears, she cried into the phone as her sister tried to comfort her. Katniss didn’t lose control often, but it was epic when she did. After several minutes, she managed to stammer through the story. She recounted the whole sordid tale; Peeta admitting he cared about her, trying to stay away from each other, their first kiss, seeing each other naked, limiting contact to oral sex, agreeing to end what they had when the baby came, and Elam’s birth.
“I didn’t want Madge to get hurt,” she insisted to her sister. “I fantasized about Peeta being free to be with me, but I didn’t ever want her to die. And then…”
“This is not your fault. You have to know that.”
“It’s not that easy, Prim.” Katniss pressed her hand to her chest and willed her heart to stop banging in her chest.
“It is that easy. You are not to blame for Madge’s condition. You’re responsible for your actions only, and those are not what I expected from you.” Prim’s disappointment shot through the phone line, and Katniss squeezed her eyes closed to try to block it out. “This isn’t like you, Katniss. You’ve always been so…so…”
“Single? Happy for everybody else? Pathetically alone?”
“Ethical,” Prim snapped. “Stop trying to deflect. You know this isn’t right. You’ve told me about Peeta a million times, and not once did you indicate you were having an affair with him. The man’s got a newborn, Katniss. What the hell are you thinking?”
“I love him. That’s what I was thinking,” she growled. “I was thinking that I’m in love with someone else’s husband, and he should be mine. I was thinking that I hadn’t had someone in so long I couldn’t remember what it felt like to touch someone else until we hooked up. I was thinking, if you must know, that he’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I didn’t expect this to last. I knew it wouldn’t, but I wanted something, even if it was just a crumb of what everyone else has.”
Silence blared through the phone line, and Katniss sniffled while she waited for her sister’s response. Prim and she rarely fought, so she knew her admission had shaken her sister. Prim wasn’t used to Katniss messing up—largely because Katniss had protected her younger sister their entire lives.
Prim sighed into the phone before speaking, and Katniss held a nervous breath. “I can’t pretend to know how lonely you’ve been. I know I’m lucky. But you deserve so much more than sharing someone who can’t really be yours.”
“But I don’t have that. Don’t you get it? It should be him, and it can’t be.”
Sadness emanated from her as she realized the futility of her situation. Wanting him didn’t make it okay to screw a pregnant woman’s husband.
“Can I ask you a serious question? Because I’m really curious.”
“Go ahead,” Katniss agreed. She was too tired and heartsick to fight anymore.
“You love this guy, right?”
“Yes. Without question.”
“And you know the only way you can really be together is if his marriage ends?”
“Yes,” she sniffled.
“How would you feel if he left his wife? And his baby?”
She couldn’t speak for several moments. She’d want to cry, scream, and cheer simultaneously if she was honest.
“Awful… Horribly guilty. And elated he chose me.”
“Would you ever be able to trust him? Really trust him to stay with you and not worry he was chasing someone else?”
“He’s never looked at anyone until me.”
“Are you sure?” Prim asked softly. “Even if that’s true, why would he stop now?”
“He loves me, Prim. He loves me.”
“I’m sure he loved his wife too.”
Her shoulders shook as she wept. Prim’s word hurt, but they were what she needed to hear. She didn’t want to be the reason he left Madge. It had to be his idea, and Elam would make that decision for him right now. Maybe in a few years. Maybe never. Either way, Peeta had ended their affair as she’d always expected once his son was born. She had no choice but to pick up the pieces and try to move on. Being the other woman was a real bitch.
After a few more minutes of tearful conversation with her sister, she hung up and slipped into bed. Her dreams provided no comfort. Neither did the next several weeks with Peeta’s absence from the office and his careful interaction with her when he returned. He’d been successfully avoiding her for almost a month before they bumped into each other in the hallway near the bathroom.
“Peeta! I’m sorry. I didn’t see you,” Katniss said. “How are you?”
He ran a hand through his curls and turned tortured eyes to her. He looked exhausted, which he probably was.
“Fine. I’m fine,” he rasped. “Are you okay?”
She studied him and realized he needed her reassurance that he’d done the right thing. Nodding vigorously, she said firmly, “I’m great. So happy for you. Things at home must be really interesting right now.”
“That’s one word for it.”
“Take care of yourself,” she murmured and squeezed his hand as she passed. “Congratulations again.”
Holding her head high, she swept past him and back to her desk. She was deep in a case file when her phone pinged.
P: You look amazing today.
Kat: Thanks! I feel amazing.
P: I bet I know how to make you feel even better.
Katniss pursed her lips to stop a sudden grin. She’d missed him since their last time together, and his silence only served to erode her surety that cared about her. This proved he still did. And it was harmless. It was only texts.
They flirted shamelessly for two more days before she realized she was in trouble. She was on her way home from work when she checked her phone to pass the time on the subway.
P: I miss the way you taste. Are you still sweet?
Kat: Still sweet. With a little bit of naughty.
P: How naughty?
Kat: Wouldn’t you like to know?
P: Yes.
Kat: Only one way to find out.
P: How’s that?
Kat: You know.
P: You inviting?
Kat: You accepting?
P: On way.
When she reached her stop, she sprinted from the train and to her apartment. Bursting into her home, she gave her living room a cursory glance before striding to her bedroom and surveying the mess. Moving as quickly as possible, she tossed dirty clothes in her hamper and straightened the sheets and blankets on her bed. In the bathroom, she rinsed out the sink, brushed her teeth, and reapplied deodorant. She didn’t have time to shave, but it hadn’t been too long since she’d groomed herself.
Flushed, impatient, and insanely horny, she paced for a few minutes until she heard a rap on her door.
“Hi,” she greeted him, breathless and eager.
“Hi, yourself,” he grinned and leaned into her. “You still smell sweet.”
Lifting her lips to his ear, she tugged on his earlobe. “I only seem sweet. I’m really very, very dirty.”
He groaned at her innuendo and sought her mouth. “I can’t stay away from you. I can’t. I’m so tired, Katniss.”
“Then don’t,” she urged. “Don’t stay away anymore. We’ve tried. You have. I have. I’m tired of playing games. I want you.”
“God, Kat,” he panted. “I’ve missed you so much.”
She captured his mouth with hers and bit his bottom lip until he yelped. The sound stirred something in her, and she shoved him against the door.
“Get your hands on me right now,” she commanded and tore his shirt over his head. “Quit being a gentleman and fuck me like you want to.”
“I want my dick so far inside you.”
“Then do it,” she ordered.
“We said oral. Only oral.”
“Fuck oral, Peeta. We both want it.”
Peeta studied her face briefly before his shoulders sagged. For one horrible second, she thought he’d stop, but he cursed and crushed her to him.
“You deserve better than this.”
“I don’t have it. I want you. I choose you.”
She tore at his shirt as they stumbled to her bedroom. They fell on the bed together as they shared torrid kisses and groped for bare skin. When they were finally naked, Peeta settled in between her legs and wrapped them around his waist. He touched his forehead to hers and demanded, “Look at me.”
Katniss’ eyelids fluttered as he pushed into her. All the times they’d been together faded as he filled her. She laughed as she realized how naïve she’d been to believe oral sex was any better than intercourse. The affair wasn’t any worse now than it had been since the first time he’d called her name instead of his wife’s. He’d been cheating with her before she realized it.
“Jesus,” Peeta hissed. “Sweet Jesus, Katniss.”
She bucked against him, and he groaned in surrender. His hips snapped against hers, and she grunted as something sparked inside her. His second thrust was harder, and she tugged his hair as he found his rhythm.
Peeta pinched her nipples as he pounded into her, but both of them were too impatient to wait much longer. She let go of his hair and grabbed her headboard. He shoved her legs over his shoulders and banged into her so hard, she hit her head.
“Don’t stop,” she wailed. “I’m okay. Don’t stop.”
Peeta cursed and grunted, his voice rising as he slammed into her. He yelled as he came, and she ground against him seeking her own release. When she couldn’t find it, she reached between them and got herself off as he trembled above her. He was softening inside her when she climaxed, and she clutched him to her with her free hand.
Sated, they lay together for several minutes before either could speak. Finally, she inhaled a shaky breath and kissed his neck.
“Holy fuck,” she gasped. When Peeta didn’t respond, she poked his shoulder and asked, “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” he mumbled.
“Fine?”
“Yeah,” he confirmed and rolled off her.
“Fine?! Are you fucking kidding me?” she screeched. “We just fucked, and you’re fine?”
“Don’t do this,” he pled quietly. “Please don’t do this.”
Katniss shoved up on her elbows to glare at him. She hadn’t expected praise, but something about his response grated on her nerves. Consummating their relationship, no matter how screwed up it was, deserved more than a “fine” from him.
“What is wrong with you?” she snapped.
“Nothing! Nothing’s wrong with me, dammit! Shut up.”
Shocked, she sucked in a breath so she wouldn’t smack him. His ears tinged pink, and he cursed and slid down the bed. Spreading her legs, he buried his face in her crotch. She tried to protest, but it felt so good, she didn’t bother.
As frantic as the sex had been, he took his time pleasuring her. He was loving and thorough. Her anger dissipated as his tongue flicked over her clit and drove her crazy. Time lost meaning. She couldn’t remember her name. She didn’t care if he had seventeen children by five wives. The only thing she cared about was his mouth on her pussy.
She lost track of the number of times she came. She was limp and exhausted before he stopped. When he kissed her, she couldn’t do more than purse her lips and groan as he cradled her against his chest.
“I need to go home,” he murmured into her hair. “I love you, sweetheart. I’ll see you at work.”
Too tired to respond, she nodded and closed her eyes. She woke in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and hugged her extra pillow to fall back asleep. The bed felt empty without him.
They settled into a pattern over the next several months. He followed her home from work at least once a week, and they stole moments together whenever they could. A quick kiss in the stairwell at work. Holding hands under the table at out of the way restaurants at lunch. A clandestine weekend he passed off to Madge as a work trip.
Countless sex positions, declarations of love, and two pregnancy scares later, Katniss realized their affair was the longest relationship she’d had since college. Elam was almost two, and she and Peeta continued to sneak around behind his wife’s back, dividing time between his family and her. They hadn’t talked about the long-term when they decided to continue the affair, and there didn’t seem to be an end in sight. Peeta hadn’t ever mentioned leaving Madge, and he was as in love with Elam as she’d ever seen any father in love with his son. She knew she didn’t have any right to demand something different, but she’d been restless for weeks, unable to put her finger on exactly what was bothering her.
‘Hey, brainless,” Johanna called as she passed through the office to her desk.
Katniss sighed and glanced up, but she refused to allow her co-worker to ruffle her feathers. Instead, she pointedly took a sip of her coffee and stared across the room. Johanna grinned and plunked down at her desk.
“So unfriendly. I just wanted to remind you about Annie’s baby shower. It’s this weekend. Don’t break her heart and not be there.”
Katniss snapped, “I wouldn’t break Annie’s heart. She’s about the nicest person in the world. Unlike you.”
“Touchy, touchy, touchy,” Johanna taunted. “Annie and I are on the same page. Just because you’re more willing to hear it from soft-spoken Mrs. Odair instead of sexually liberated and snarky moi doesn’t mean she thinks the shameless way you parade yourself around with a married man is any better.”
“I’m not parading around.”
“No, you’re just fucking him behind his wife’s back. So much better.”
“Uh…am I interrupting something important here?” Katniss jumped at the sound of Peeta’s voice. When she swiveled her head to face him, he moved closer to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “Everything okay, Kat?”
“Fine,” she mumbled. “All fine.”
“Yes,” Johanna agreed, “all’s well here. How’s everything, Mr. Mellark? Spending a lot of time with your wife and son?”
“Sure,” Peeta replied with a hint of confusion. “My friends call me Peeta, by the way.”
“And what does your mistress call you?”
Peeta blanched at her pointed question, and Katniss’ face burned in humiliation. No one had ever called them out for what they were doing. She hadn’t even realized anyone knew for sure, but Johanna clearly suspected.
“I-I’m sorry?” Peeta blurted. “I’m not sure…”
“Just wondering what Katniss screams when you’re together. Nothing important.”
Peeta stood rigid, his face reddening rapidly and his hands twitching with anger. Katniss reached for him, desperate to ease his anguish, but she stopped herself just in time. There was no reason to give Johanna more ammunition.
“Everything okay in here?” Haymitch barked as he poked his head from his office. “Seems a little tense.”
All three of them snapped to attention and garbled a combined answer in the affirmative. Katniss excused herself to the bathroom to calm down. By the time she returned, the rest of the office was back from lunch, and Johanna seemed on her best behavior.
Mortified, she rushed home from the office that evening and cried. The next time Peeta came over, they had to talk. Something needed to change. She was still wiping tears from her cheeks when her phone buzzed.
P: Madge has plans tonight. Like company?
Kat: Yes
P: 20 minutes
She was raring to go when he arrived. Desperate to relieve the burden of guilt she’d buried for the past several months, she threw herself at him as he entered her apartment. Impulsively, she tugged him to the bedroom and whispered in his ear, “I want you from behind.”
Peeta’s eyes widened at her invitation. He’d complained once that Madge hated any position when she couldn’t see his face, but Katniss adored them. She loved the feel of him slapping against her as he kissed down her spine. The way he tugged her hair and panted her name as his chest warmed her back. It made her feel vulnerable and strong at the same time, and she needed that after what Johanna’s accusations.
“Leave your shirt on,” she commanded as she stripped. “That way I can pretend you came home and caught me doing something I shouldn’t.”
“Naughty girl. Shit,” he hissed and dropped his pants. She turned and bent over the bed, her forehead between her hands, and moaned when he ran his tip along her slit. He teased her for a few minutes and then nudged her legs further apart. Holding her hips in place, he snapped into her, and she arched her back as he stretched her.
“Yeah,” she chanted as he drew out and re-entered. “Faster.”
“Kat, this is— I love this.”
“I know. I know you do.”
The bed squeaked in time with their rhythm, but something wasn’t right. She reared back against him, trying desperately to find friction that would relieve the searing heat inside her. When that didn’t work, she tucked one knee up on the bed. He had to change his angle, and it sent shock waves through her. She shifted and perched her other leg on the bed as well, her knees spread wide, leaving her merciless as he practically lifted her from the bed with his frantic strokes.
“I love you so much, Kat. Fuck, yes. I love your ass. Oh shit, shit, shit!” He bellowed and came, shoving her several inches forward. He sought her clit and rubbed her furiously as he continued to fuck her.
She wailed and came as she clutched the sheets in her clenched fists. They cursed and yelled together until they stilled and fell into a tangle of limbs. Sweaty and spent, he kissed her shoulder and buried his face in her hair.
She was exhausted, but her brain wouldn’t stop. Johanna’s words reverberated in time with her heartbeat, and she remembered all the times he’d arrived at her house with only enough time for sex before slinking back to his place. Their strong friendship had evaporated as their sex life improved, and she admitted with a tortured pang she needed more than what their current relationship offered.
“Peeta?” she murmured. She shifted and curled around him so she could kiss his chest.
“Mmm?”
She hesitated, terrified to ruin what was between them and risk losing him completely, but what they were doing wasn’t sustainable. She tucked herself as close to him as she could and sent up a silent prayer for strength.
“You know I love you,” she started and was relieved when he agreed. “Where do you see this going? Us, I mean. Please don’t get upset.”
He tensed against her, his hands frozen on the curve of her hip and on her neck. She waited, hoping against hope that she’d been sensitive enough to draw him out rather than cause him to withdraw.
“What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean?” she retorted, exasperated despite her intentions to remain calm. “I mean, us. We’ve been sneaking around for two years. We’ve done things to each other that would shock 98% of the world’s population. You love me, and I love you. What is the endgame on this?”
Flustered, Peeta sat up and combed his hands through his hair as he did every time he was upset. She fought the urge to comfort him. She wanted to, but she needed to know his intentions more than she cared to admit.
“Endgame? What endgame can there be? I’m married,” he spat, his bitterness apparent in his rigid shoulders.
“Yes, and you have a kid. I’m well aware of your marital status, Peeta.”
He glared at her and shifted the top sheet to cover his groin. “Then you know what the endgame is, don’t you?”
She shot up on the bed. Ignoring his lustful glance at her chest, she poked him in the shoulder hard enough that he flinched.
“People do get divorced, you know. People with children. People who got married too young or grew apart or developed some type of aversion to each other. A two-year affair with someone you claim to love seems like a reasonable option for considering ending an unhappy marriage.”
He gaped at her, clearly shocked by her vehemence. “Where is this coming from? You’ve never asked me this before.”
“Are you fucking kidding me? After what Johanna said this afternoon? You want to know where this is coming from?”
“Kat—”
“I was trying to be patient. And understanding. And supportive. But dammit, Peeta! I’ve waited long enough.” Katniss panted, her breath catching in angry huffs. She hadn’t realized how much fury she’d buried, and it burned to be released.
“What do you want me to do?” he roared. “You want me to walk out of my family? On Elam? He’s only two!”
“And I’m 34! What’s your point?” she yelled back. “I’m tired of being your second choice. I would never ask you to put me before your son, but what you’re asking of me isn’t fair! I’m putting my life on hold playing your mistress, while you get to have your cake and eat it too. What if I want kids someday? I can’t have them with you if you’re still married, and I can’t be with anyone else either.”
“You think I have it easy? You think sneaking around with you makes me feel good? You’ve got to be shitting me.”
Blood froze in her veins as she stared at him. The chagrin on his face almost melted her, but his words cut deep. As calmly as she could, she steeled her gaze and spoke.
“I think it’s time we ended this, Peeta.”
“Kat, please don’t,” he begged, suddenly contrite with a hint of desperation in his eyes. “I love you. You know I do. I just need to figure some things out.”
“If what we’re doing isn’t making you feel good, then there’s no reason for this to continue. Being the other woman doesn’t make me feel so great either, so it’s a win/win.”
“Losing you isn’t a win.” He slid onto his knees and put his face in her lap. “Please don’t do this, sweetheart. I need you.”
Tears pricked her eyes as she gazed down at him. She loved the golden curls she’d tousled and gripped and pulled over the time they’d been together. He lifted his tear-steaked face to hers, and she steeled her heart. She’d cried over him enough. He wasn’t hers. He never had been, and it was time she accepted that.
“If you need me, you’ll figure out how to make that happen. Until then, you need to leave. Go home to your wife and son. I’m done being your side piece.”
“Baby, please.”
“Don’t call me that,” she snapped and jerked away from him. Everything inside her screamed to take him back, but she couldn’t do it anymore. She loved him too much to share. It was up to him to make the decision.
“Kat—”
“Leave, Peeta. We’re through. Put your clothes back on, and go grovel to Madge. See if she can smell the sex on you this time.”
She rushed to the bathroom and slammed the door so she didn’t have to watch him as he collected his things and left. When he knocked, she turned on the shower and sang at the top of her lungs to drown him out. After several minutes, he gave up.
Heartbroken and sick to her stomach, she walked through the following days like a zombie. She expected him to try to talk to her, but he didn’t. As the days passed without even so much as a text, she cursed herself for driving him away when what she wanted most was him. She woke screaming from nightmares of him slipping through her grasping fingers. She lost weight. She cried herself to sleep for two weeks straight.
She was sitting on her couch staring out the window listlessly when three sharp raps echoed from the door. She considered not answering for a few seconds, but she heaved herself to her feet and stumbled to the entry.
“What are you doing here?”
Peeta’s face was streaked with tears, but he’d lost the haunted look he’d carried since the night he’d yelled her name with Madge.
“I did it,” he whispered. “Finally.”
“Did what? What did you do?”
Her ears roared, and she swayed slightly. He grabbed her elbow to steady her, but she pulled away. She wasn’t supposed to let him touch her anymore. She’d ended it. He wasn’t supposed to be at her door.
For those of you who’ve asked, it’s finally here! Part 2 of my contribution for @loveinpanem‘s Candle for the Caribbean. Thank you to all who contributed to the fundraiser and expressed interest in this story. Trigger warning: mature themes (including infidelity) in this chapter. The first chapter of this story can be found here.
Monday morning came much too soon, and Katniss considered calling in sick before dragging herself out of bed and climbing into the shower. Peeta had tried to contact her a few times after their fight on Friday night, but she wasn’t having any of it and finally turned off her phone for the entirety of Saturday and Sunday. Unfortunately, she knew she’d have to see him that day at work. There wasn’t any way to avoid running into him.
She took care with her appearance. If she didn’t, she knew Johanna and Annie would notice she looked withdrawn and peaked. She wove her hair into an elaborate braid she usually saved for special occasions and selected a muted orange sweater that highlighted her gray eyes. She was halfway to work before she realized she’d subconsciously chosen to adorn herself in Peeta’s favorite color.
I said your name instead of hers.
I said your name.
Your name.
Peeta’s confession echoed in her ears as she bumped against others on the subway. She gritted her teeth and clenched her eyes shut and tried to pretend her heart wasn’t breaking.
At her stop, she fought through the crowd and up the stairs. She bypassed her usual morning coffee for fear she’d run into Peeta waiting for her inside the shop and took the stairs to her office instead of the elevator. She needed a few more minutes before she was willing to face him. Huffing slightly, she took a deep breath and opened the door. She deliberately kept her eyes forward as she passed the doorway to his bank of cubicles and heaved a sigh of relief when she managed to slip into her chair without anyone stopping her. She worked feverishly, hoping no one would bother her if she kept her eyes on her desk.
Annie nudged her at noon and asked quietly if she wanted to join the others for lunch, but Katniss shook her head. She had plans to eat in the small park behind the building and steer clear any of the local eating joints. It was one more way to avoid him. She wove her way downstairs and out the back entrance of the building. Selecting a park bench partly obscured by low branches, she sank onto it and sighed.
“This sucks,” she breathed.
“Worst Monday of my life.”
“Holy shit, Peeta!” Katniss screeched. “Where the hell did you come from?”
He gave her a sad half-smile and motioned to his left. “I was over there when you came out. I didn’t want to scare you or drive you away, so I didn’t say anything. You seemed like you wanted to be alone.”
She snorted and studied her sandwich. “I don’t want to be alone.”
“Neither do I,” he whispered and motioned to the space beside her. “Can I sit down? Please?”
“Why?” she asked, her voice wavering. “So you can say my name again?”
“Kat, I’m so sorry.”
“You should be.”
“You could be a little more compassionate, you know. It’s not like your marriage is on the rocks. You’re not the one who might lose your kid before it’s even born. I didn’t ask for this.”
“And you think I did?” she snapped, completely incredulous at his audacity. “You think I asked for my best friend to yell my name when his pregnant wife sucked his dick? You think I want to be the other woman when I don’t even get the benefits of it?”
“Benefits of it? What—?” Peeta narrowed his eyes. “Wait. You want the benefits?”
She froze, her heart pounding hard in her chest. “I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.”
“Katniss…”
“Nope! Don’t go there.”
“Katniss—”
“We’re not happening,” she snapped and stood abruptly. “Don’t get some fantasy that you and I can be together if Madge decides to leave you. I’m not your safety net. Work it out with your wife.”
“Katniss!” he shouted at her retreating back, but she was already back inside the building and headed up to her cubicle before he could follow.
“Where’s the stud?”
“Shut up, Johanna,” Katniss snapped and worked through the papers on her desk. She entered column after column of data until 4:45. At precisely fifteen minutes before she knew Peeta would leave his desk, she shut down her computer, grabbed her purse, and slipped down the stairs to the street below. She was halfway home before her phone lit up with a series of messages. Apparently, he’d noticed she left early.
She scrolled through her phone, but nothing he’d written made her feel any better about the gulf that had opened between them. How could it have only been three days since the world spiraled out of control?
The days passed slowly without him. She got better at avoiding him, and Johanna and Annie refrained from making any comments about his absence, although Annie did apologize for what had happened over drinks. Peeta continued to talk to her occasionally, but they kept it light, impersonal, and extremely professional. His eyes lost their natural luster, and she dropped a few pounds from her already lean frame bringing her lunch instead of joining him at their local haunts. She tortured herself thinking about Madge’s lips wrapped around her husband’s cock and Peeta gripping her hair and thrusting into her mouth as she blew him. She woke from nightmares about dying alone as Peeta and Madge built a family with wide smiles and perfect vacations and a big house. She’d almost decided to get a cat, a big, fluffy orange one she’d name Buttercup, to keep her company when things finally broke.
The day started out poorly with a downpour and a soggy commute, but that didn’t compare to shock of being called into a meeting with her boss. Haymitch gazed at her mutely across the desk until a light knock sounded at the door, and he called for the person to enter. Katniss jumped when Peeta sank down in the chair next to her and glanced at her with a wry smile before turning his attention to their boss.
“Everdeen, Mellark, I’ve got a project I need some help with, and I think you two are the team to make it happen,” Haymitch barked gruffly. “It’s going to mean some overtime for you both, which I think you can appreciate with a bundle of joy on the way for you, boy, and…well, whatever it is you do with your time.”
Katniss blinked at him, too humiliated to respond. She hadn’t realized her empty social life was so apparent at work.
“You two are my stars,” he continued, “and you seem to get along well. I’m sure you can do it.”
“Mr. Abernathy, I’m not sure this is the best plan,” Peeta ventured. “I’ve got a lot going on at home, and Katniss is—”
“—happy to have the work,” she insisted and glared at her co-worker. “What do you need from us?”
She ignored Peeta’s look of surprise and concentrated on what the job entailed. Minutes later, she and Peeta were outside Abernathy’s office, and he was grinning at her with that familiar lopsided grin she’d missed so much.
“Happy to have the work, huh?” Peeta teased. “I’m happy to have an excuse to work with you.”
“That’s not what this is about,” she insisted and headed back to her desk.
“Are you sure? No way to avoid me now, sweetheart. Sounds like we’ll have several hours of close contact now.”
“Don’t call me sweetheart, Peeta. I need the money, and I’m not going to allow this…thing between us to cost me an opportunity for overtime. Maybe I can finally go on that vacation to Puerto Rico I always said I’d take once I turned thirty. Not getting any younger, am I?”
“Hey,” he said softly and stopped her with his hand on her arm. “I’m sorry for teasing. I’m really glad you said yes. We do work well together, and I’m tired of us trying to avoid each other. Can we start over? Be friends again? Maybe if I stopped acting so wounded we could have a real shot at it. I miss you, Kat.”
Heat radiated from his palm, and goosebumps rose on her skin underneath his loose grasp. It was unfair how easily he could tempt her. “I miss you too, Mellark.”
“I knew you couldn’t resist me.” His eyes twinkled as he grinned at her, and she gulped as her stomach clenched.
“I’m going to regret this.”
Peeta narrowed his eyes and cocked his head. A shy smile with a hint of sweetness tickled the side of his mouth. His voice felt like melted chocolate and velvet when he asked, “You’re going to regret what?”
“Come over,” she sighed. “This project is going to take forever, and I’m too tired to stay here or go out. I’m not going near Madge, so my place is the only choice.”
“That sounds…cozy.”
“Don’t get any ideas,” she snapped. “This is for work.”
“Of course it is,” he agreed softly. “I’ll meet you at your place at 6:30. I need to stop by home first.”
“Yes, your daily blowjob awaits.”
“Katniss—”
“No worries. I’ll get my date with my vibrator done before you get there.”
She almost felt sorry for him as she walked back to her desk. She ignored Johanna and Annie’s questioning looks and spent the day working her caseload. At five, she grabbed her bag and headed for the elevator. Peeta’s shocked expression from earlier played before her as she caught the subway home and jostled against her fellow commuters. As she entered her apartment, she tossed her jacket on the couch and headed to the bedroom to change. Slipping out of her work clothes, she chose a comfortable cotton button down and a pair of well-worn jeans.
“Shouldn’t be too tempting for him,” she muttered and crossed to her bedside table to plug in her cell phone. She plopped onto the bed and her eyes instinctively glanced at the drawer in her nightstand. She’d been joking when she said it, more intent on irritating him than being truthful, but frustration nipped at her. She had time. It had been a couple of weeks since she’d even thought about it, too ashamed of the situation with her best friend to admit she usually imagined him when she masturbated.
“Fuck it,” she grunted and unzipped her pants, grabbed her vibrator, and lay back on her bed.
The familiar buzz soothed her as she slid the plastic between her legs. Her eyes fluttered closed as she glanced over her clit. Finding a rhythm, she pushed and circled and rubbed until her heartrate increased and her arousal eased the friction. In no time, small jolts of pleasure radiated out through her limbs.
“Yessssssss…. Right there,” she gasped to the empty room, but she couldn’t block out the image of sparkling blue eyes and ashy blonde curls hovering over her. “Peeta…”
Katniss shoved aside the twinge of guilt lurking beneath her enjoyment and turned up the speed. Her hips began to thrust of their own accord, and she pressed harder against her clit before teasing her entrance. She turned her head to the side and bit her lip.
“Oh, fuck,” she groaned. “Yeah. Harder. Go harder, Peeta.”
She kicked at the mattress, irritated by her jeans restricting her at the knees. With her free hand, she traced her stomach under her shirt. She reached into the nightstand drawer and fumbled until she found the small bottle of lube. Clenching her legs together to hold her vibrator in place, she squirted a small dab into her hand before slathering it in her slit and on the silicon.
“Touch me,” she hissed into the air and closed her eyes. She imagined his hands caressing her, kneading her skin, and massaging her muscles. “Inside…please.”
She spread her legs wider and circled her clit with her middle finger as she slid her vibrator into her pussy. She gasped and squirmed as it filled her, pulsating and insistent. Sparks of desire joined to fuel a burning sensation she hadn’t felt in weeks. As her mood lifted and her breaths grew shorter, she worked herself faster and faster until she tightened like a spring.
“Peeta, baby. I need to come. Make me come.”
She flicked the dial to the highest speed, and it was only a few more moments before her orgasm flashed through her. She squealed and jerked as her muscles clenched and released in a series of spasms. Peeta’s blue eyes and full lips hovered in her mind as she came and then came again.
“Shit, yes! Ohmigod. So hot, Peeta.”
She continued to mumble as heat flooded her. She was on fire, burning with the light of a thousand suns, as she chased her climax. Her legs shook, and she moaned thankfully as her hands finally fell to her sides.
It was a while, probably a full minute before she realized the vibrator continued to pulse between her legs, and she reached down to turn it off. With a satisfied groan, she pulled it free and wiped it clean before stashing it back in her drawer. Sighing, she reveled in her release before eventually rolling from the bed, redressing, and straightening her braid.
Her euphoria passed much too soon, and shame rushed in to replace what had felt so good only a few minutes before.
“Fuck,” she cursed as she stumbled to the bathroom and washed her hands. “I just jacked off to fantasies of my best friend. My married best friend. Who’s about to be a father.” She shook her head and glared at herself, but she couldn’t help the sparkle in her eye or the limpness in her arms. It felt amazing, and she couldn’t quite be disgusted with herself when this was all she had.
She was still glowing when the doorbell rang a half hour later. Hyper aware of her slightly mussed hair and flushed face, she opened the door to find Peeta standing there. His eyes held a hint of hope mixed with caution, and he seemed relieved when she waved him inside and to the kitchen table where she’d set up a workspace.
“I haven’t been here for a while,” he murmured. “I like the changes.”
She glanced at the couch and bit her lip to hid the smile lurking there. She’d added a couple of throw pillows for a pop of color and a few pictures she’d taken of sunsets when she was home visiting her sister a few months prior. They were an homage to him, she realized now, but she shoved that from her mind. They needed to work, and she didn’t need to think about why she’d decorated her apartment with her best friend in mind.
“How was your blowjob?” she asked bluntly and sat at the table.
He flushed and settled into the chair next to her. She didn’t miss that he adjusted himself discreetly before answering, “Katniss, I’m sorry, but maybe that’s not the most appropriate topic considering the mess we’re in.”
“Probably not,” she retorted, “but I’d like to know your head’s in the game instead of still back at your house in your wife’s mouth.”
He coughed and stared miserably at the pile of papers in front of him. “It was fine,” he admitted quietly. “Good, I mean. Got the job done.”
“Excellent. Just excellent. My vibrator did the same. Multiple orgasms before you got here. Let’s work, shall we?”
“Katniss—”
“Can you hand me the file for Glimmer Johnson? Worst hooker name ever, by the way,” she joked forcefully, determined not to allow their conversation to stray from the task at hand. She’d gotten in her digs, tortured him enough. Now it was time to work. Maybe if they did that, they could slip back into their familiar place.
Too familiar, she told herself, but then shook it off. This was the new normal of their relationship, and she was just going to have to get used to it.
Two hours later, they were both bleary-eyed as they sorted through case after case. They argued and bantered about each one in an attempt to find solutions for the problems each represented. Which kids needed foster homes? Why did one mother deserve to keep her children while another didn’t? Where were the fathers, and why were only some of them interested in keeping up with their progeny?
“I swear I’m going to be a better dad than this,” Peeta muttered as he scanned images of a young girl named Clove with bruises on her arms and neck. “Child abuse is sick. Who beats a kid?”
“You’re going to be a great father, and you know it,” she mumbled as she shook her head. “Dedicated. Loving. Present.”
“Present… That’s the goal, right?”
She glanced up at him and frowned at his sad smile. He raised his eyes to hers, and she couldn’t look away. The agony she saw there broke her heart, and she couldn’t deny the hint of yearning and a tiny bit of lust that lingered in the depths. The war inside him between doing what was right and giving into his feelings for her was as obvious as the electricity sparking between them. For a spilt second, she imagined sweeping the papers onto the floor and using the surface for much more lurid purposes.
He cleared his throat, and she blinked as the connection between them snapped. Flustered, she closed a file folder and pushed back from the table.
“I should go.”
She opened the refrigerator and stared into it. “You probably should. The wife’s waiting, and we got a lot done.”
“It was really good to see you, Katniss. Outside the office, I mean. I’ve missed you so much the past few weeks.”
She turned to find him standing close to her. His hands hung loosely at his sides, and hers itched to touch him. Silently, they reached for each other, and her cheek settled onto his chest as his arms wound around her back. She tugged him closer at the waist, and they stood encircled together for several moments before he pulled free.
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Katniss.”
She nodded, too overcome with emotion to react, and watched him cross to the door and slip through it. He glanced at her as he closed the door, and she fought hard to remain rooted instead of chasing after him and begging him to pick her over Madge.
When she was sure he’d left, she crossed to the door and clicked the lock into place. Dazed, she walked to her bedroom and sank onto the bed. Blood sang in her veins, and she allowed herself to fantasize about what could have happened if he didn’t have someone to go home to; if he’d only waited until he met her to fall in love.
Frustrated, she yanked open the nightstand drawer and kicked her jeans onto the floor. Deliberately, she pulled her vibrator out, and then reached further back to where she kept a few other toys. She needed this tonight—if only to get his face from her mind. She fell asleep to dreams of tangled limbs and hot mouths with roaming hands and probing fingers.
The pattern continued over the next few weeks. Katniss spent her time at work focused and professionally distant, but on Tuesday and Thursday nights, Peeta came to her house to work on the files Haymitch gave them every week. The weirdness between them eased somewhat, and it seemed they fell back into their familiar patterns almost too easily.
“I’m so hungry, Kat,” Peeta whined. “Can I grab something to eat?”
“Sure. Whatever you want,” she grumbled as she wrote notes in Clove’s file.
“Want something?”
“Uh, yeah. Fruit,” she answered, distracted by the images of abuse before her on the table.
A banana plunked down in front of her, and she worked hard to keep a grin from spreading across her face. Deliberately, she put down her pen, picked up the banana, and peeled it slowly. Without a word, she lifted it to her mouth and sucked the tip between her lips. Ignoring his discomfort and sudden silence, she licked the underside of the fruit with the tip of her tongue before biting off a huge chunk and moaning at the taste.
“Katniss,” Peeta hissed, and she turned to look at him. He was speechless, stunned silent, as he watched her. She licked her lips deliberately, and he swallowed hard before moving his hand over his lap. She glanced down and fought to control a triumphal smile at what swelled there. He hadn’t lost his attraction for her any more than she had for him. Somehow, that made her happy.
“Is Madge still into blowjobs?” she purred and took another bite of her snack.
He shook his head, his eyes glazed as he watched her. “No,” he choked out in a tortured squeak. “Third trimester. Onto something new.”
“Oh, yeah,” she answered and turned to face him squarely. She fiddled with her neckline and allowed it to dip lower to reveal what little cleavage she had. “What’s she into now?”
“Nothing,” he gulped, and she grinned when his eyes darted to her chest. “At least nothing daily. I’m in a drought.”
“Oh, that’s too bad, Peeta,” she offered sympathetically. “Are you taking care of things yourself?” He nodded, and she trailed her fingers down her torso. “I am too, you know. Every night. Sometimes when I get home from work. I did before you got here today. It feels so good.”
He whimpered, but he didn’t say anything. He couldn’t tear his eyes from her, and she felt an inordinate amount of power as she teased him. It was so easy. Why should she feel guilty when he was the one with the pregnant wife at home? She’d sacrificed enough, she reasoned. She’d played by the rules her entire life, and look where it had gotten her. Sexually frustrated and in love with a man who wanted her the same way she wanted him. Yet, she was supposed to resist. She was supposed to say no to everything she desired just because he was too impatient to wait for what was right instead of what was good enough.
“I think about you sometimes when I do it,” she admitted, her voice low and husky. “I think about your hands on me and the way you’d feel inside me.”
“Shit yes,” he hissed, and she stood up and moved to stand a few inches from him.
“I think about the way your mouth would cover me and how you’d whisper in my ear as you came inside me.”
He gaped for a few seconds and then squirmed as she hovered over him. “You know I love you, Kat.”
She stopped then, confused at his confession. Her heart soared and broke at the same time. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t he be available for something real and good instead of guilt and shame?
“You what?”
“I love you. I have for a long, long time. I’m… I don’t know how to stop, Katniss, but I love you, and I’m married to someone else. I’m going to be a father in a few weeks, and all I can think about is how to balance getting the nursery ready with how to keep from screaming your name when I jack off in the shower.” He bowed his head, and she rested her palms on his shoulders. “I want to be a good dad. My baby deserves that. But Katniss—”
“But what?” she pled. “Tell me.”
“I want you. So much.”
“Peeta, I…” She didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t volunteer anything else. It took everything inside her to step away from him and blurt, “You need to leave.”
He nodded and crossed to the door in only a few strides. She panicked when his hand grasped the doorknob, and she called his name. She threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug, and he pulled her tightly against him. Their faces were centimeters apart, their lips almost touching. For several seconds they stood frozen, and then he dropped his arms and staggered back against the wall.
“You see, Katniss? I want to kiss you so much, but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”
She reached for him and nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his scent. His cologne had always been her weakness. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she always smelled cinnamon and herbs when she was near him.
“You’re a good man, Peeta Mellark,” she whispered and kissed his neck. Then she released him and walked to her couch. By the time she was settled and reached for her remote, he was gone.
She called into work the next day. She needed time to process what had happened between them, and she’d brought several files home. She spent the weekend alternating between berating herself and trying to justify her feelings toward her best friend. She raged against her life situation and grappled with the implications of having an affair.
By Sunday evening, she was no closer to deciding than she had been on Thursday night. And then a knock sounded at her door. Tossing her braid over her shoulder, she crossed to the door and slid it open an inch.
“Peeta! What are you doing here?” she exclaimed and threw the door open to usher him inside. He’d barely passed through the threshold when he caught her and pressed his mouth to hers.
“Hmmpf,” she grunted as his lips devoured hers. They were velvety soft. And plump. And firm. And fucking delicious. His tongue swept into her mouth and tangled with hers. They both sighed and groaned and grunted as they kissed, desperate to both quell the tension between them and stoke it higher at the same time.
“Katniss,” he moaned as his lips broke from hers and trailed down her check to her neck. He sucked at her pulse point, and she pressed her thighs together. His hands pulled her tighter against him by her ass, and she could feel him, rigid and throbbing, against her hip.
“Close the door,” she gasped and stumbled backward to fall on the couch. He was on her in seconds, wrapping her legs around his waist and pressing into her center until she swore she’d come just from the pressure.
“Tell me what you want,” he begged. “Let me make you happy. You deserve to be happy.”
Unable to speak, she grabbed his hand and brought it to the waistline of her yoga pants. He fumbled for a few seconds, but then his hand dipped inside. She wasn’t wearing underwear, and he groaned when his long fingers slipped into the moisture between her legs. She jerked at the contact but had no power to resist.
“Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh god!”
“You like that?” he grunted as he circled her clit with his thumb. “Are you horny, Kat?”
“Uh huh,” she mewled and pulsed her hips to gain friction.
“Do you want my fingers inside you?”
“Yeah…”
“Are you sure?” he teased as he licked her earlobe.
“Yes, I’m sure,” she moaned. “Oh fuck, Peeta.”
Too turned on to speak, she closed her eyes as his fingers plundered her. He dipped his middle finger inside her, swirled it against her walls, and then pulled it out. He pressed her nub with his thumb until she bucked against him, and then he slid his finger back inside. She gyrated under him, impatient and desperate for a release, but he wouldn’t give it to her. Instead, he tortured her with his hand as his mouth attacked her neck greedily.
She widened her legs, and he added another finger inside, causing her to dig her fingers into his back. He grunted dirty words against her chest as he finger-fucked her. Frantic, she shoved her hands into the front of his jeans and brushed against his cock. He groaned at the contact. Emboldened, she worked her fingers until she could grasp him. The feel of his turgid dick against her skin felt too good, and she bit his shoulder as she bucked against him.
“Fuck, Katniss. Fuck…” Peeta grunted her name repeatedly and curled his fingers inside her. She screamed and gripped him tighter. “I’m gonna come. I’m gonna come, baby.”
“Peeta! Yes! Don’t stop!”
“Kat! Christ!” he yelped, and his body shook with the force of his orgasm. Warmth flooded her fingers, and she kept pumping him, lubing him with his own cum. He finally worked her left breast free and bit her nipple. The flash of pain triggered her own orgasm, and she thrashed under him as he drove her to the edge. She begged him to stop, but she didn’t want him to. She felt like an animal in heat, rubbing against his hand and arm until she was sure she’d come a second time.
She was almost there when he kissed her and stopped moving. Falling next to her, he grunted, “Cramp. Shit.”
The elastic of her waistband slapped against her stomach as he freed his hand and flexed it. She could see moisture on his fingers, and she whined softly when she realized it was hers. His cum was all over her hand, and she held it aloft, unsure what to do with it. He watched her with hooded eyes that darkened further when she licked her index finger.
“That is so fucking hot,” he whispered, wide-eyed as she wiped her hand clean on her shirt. “Dirty girl.”
“Let me lick your hand too,” she demanded, and he lifted his fingers to her mouth. She sucked on his middle finger, and the tangy taste of her mixed with the bite of his flavor mixed in her mouth.
“Fuck me,” he groaned and kissed her again. “Are you still turned on?”
She nodded, and he groaned a second time. He slid down to the floor and kneeled in front of her. Pulling her to the edge of the couch, he yanked her leggings down around her ankles and spread her open. Before she could comprehend what he was doing, he dropped his head and left her speechless.
His mouth was magic. That’s all she could fathom as he feasted on her. She begged him to stop at the same time she tugged him closer, but he was undeterred. His tongue and lips and teeth and…oh god, everything…
Katniss threw her head back and concentrated on what he was doing to her. The sounds, the smell, the feel…all of it together created an entirely erotic experience that made her want to forsake everything if it could be her life. She ground against him until she knew she couldn’t take any more. Bowing tightly, she crested. And then again. And then once more. Exhausted and limp, she panted as he licked her clean. When he was done, he kissed her deeply, and she relished the moisture he transferred to her.
“We shouldn’t have done that,” she said weakly.
Peeta kissed her inner thighs with soft brushes of his lips, and then answered, “Probably not, but I’m pretty sure it’s going to happen again.”
“Really?” Incredulous, she stared at him, her cheeks flaming and her heart pounding with hope and dread.
“Unless you say no.”
“I’m not going to say no.”
He smiled at her, and she couldn’t help but grin back. She loved his man, and he loved her. She hadn’t come without the help of her vibrator in over a year until Peeta had put his hands and mouth on her. She wanted this release. She craved it and needed it.
“I’ve got to clean up,” he announced and pulled away from her reluctantly. She motioned to the bathroom and hurried to pull her pants on properly before he returned. When he did, he sat next to her on the couch and reached for her hand. Threading his fingers through hers, he held onto her for several minutes before she ventured her thoughts.
“You don’t have to feel guilty.”
He chuckled, but she could tell it wasn’t funny to him. “You’re right,” he mumbled. “I just ate out a woman who isn’t my wife, but at least I didn’t stick my dick inside her, right?”
“Technically, yes,” she reasoned. “I mean, what we did isn’t the best option, but we didn’t actually have sex. I mean, not the kind that results in any kind of…uh…problem.”
“Getting two women pregnant at the same time would be kind of horrible. But we didn’t do that.”
“Right.”
“So, we could, I don’t know…”
“Keep it to oral,” she suggested. “I know you like that.”
“I do miss the second trimester blowjobs,” he joked. “She never liked them before, and I expect they’ll never happen again.”
“They could be our thing now,” she offered and swallowed down the bubble of guilt roiling in her gut. “I’ve been told I’m pretty good at them.”
“The baby—he’s due in eight weeks.”
“It’s a he? You’re having a son?” Despite the situation, she couldn’t help being excited for him. She knew Peeta had always wanted a son.
He nodded and glanced at her before dropping his head in his hands.
“Fuck, what am I doing? I’m going to be a father, and all I want is your legs wrapped around my neck as I fuck you with my tongue.” His mask of anguish made her want to cry, but his words made her want him in her bed.
“You have eight weeks,” she said quietly. “Eight weeks. Maybe you just need to get me out of your system.”
He snorted and pulled her against him. “I won’t ever get over you,” he murmured as he kissed her temple, “but there’s no way I can walk away from you.”
“So, Tuesday night?”
“Tuesday night,” he agreed. “I’ll see you then. I need to get home before Madge…”
She leaned over to kiss him and stared into his eyes. “Good night, Peeta. Thanks for coming.”
“Thanks for making me come,” he teased and kissed the tip of her nose. “See you in the office tomorrow. I’ll bring coffee.”
“You know how I like it.”
“I do now,” he threw over his shoulder as he left. When the door closed behind him, she sighed contentedly and wriggled down into the couch. Closing her eyes, she allowed herself to relive Peeta’s visit, every caress, kiss, and lick. The sounds he made against her skin when he came, the feel of his tongue inside her, the taste of her on his lips… Deciding against taking a shower so she could smell him on her as she slept, she went to bed and pushed aside the guilt she felt when she imagined him lying next to his very pregnant wife.
Peeta’s appearance at her desk with coffee the next morning resulted in raised eyebrows from both Annie and Johanna, but Katniss didn’t acknowledge their questioning looks. Peeta’s visit the previous night broke through all the tension that had emerged between them since she’d realized he was interested in her. Peeta sent her several suggestive messages throughout the day, and they returned to Sae’s Deli for lunch before passing the afternoon with stolen glances and dirty texts.
The next day, Johanna followed her to the bathroom and cornered her before she could leave.
“So, you’re going to go for it, huh?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Katniss insisted. “Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom.”
“Oh, come on, Brainless. Anybody with two eyes can see the tension between you two. You’ve been avoiding each other for weeks, and now you’re thick as thieves again?” Johanna tugged at her short, spiky hair. “You’re going to do him, aren’t you?”
“Johanna, the only thing I’m going to do right now is piss.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Sucks for you then. Get the hell away from me.” With that, Katniss pushed past her co-worker and locked herself in the stall.
Only a few more hours, and then Peeta will be at my place.
After what had happened Sunday night, she couldn’t wait to see what else his mouth could do.
This story is my contribution for “A Candle for the Caribbean“ - Charity anthology benefiting the victims of Hurricane Maria. Thanks to Team @loveinpanem for organizing this important initiative.
I especially would like to thank @titaniasfics for tolerating my loose definition of Deadline.
Here on AO3
Teen boys can be pretty dumb, especially when they want to be cool. One stupid statement that she overheard was enough to destroy everything. Years later they meet again. She's unforgiving. And so out of his league. But a man in love can always hope...
This looks amazing on my Kindle! Congratulations to all who contributed and worked on pulling this together - you should be very proud. :) I am looking forward to reading each and every contribution.
Who wants another sneak peak of my contribution to @loveinpanem‘s charity drive A Candle for the Caribbean?
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He’s right. For the first time, I realize I’m not alone in this. I might actually have a chance to get Prim out of this world for good. To get out myself for good. I wonder what would happen to The Mockingjay if I were to leave. Would they keep the name? What would they tell the world about my sudden disappearance? Oh, they’d spin it somehow, for sure. Say I had decided to retire or something. But behind the scenes, they’d be on the hunt for me. And I’d have the FBI helping to protect me.
“You can take some time to think about it if you want,” Peeta says. “But remember, we don’t have a whole lot of time to make this decision.”
“No,” I say, breathing in. It’s crazy. Maybe even suicide. But some instinct is telling me this is the right thing to do. “Let’s do it.”
Peeta’s whole face lights up in surprise. “Really? You want to go?”
“Yes,” I nod. I lean towards him and immediately he opens his arms, wrapping me in his embrace. Holding me to him. I feel safe for the first time in ages.
--
If you want to read the rest, please consider donating to a charity dedicated to helping victims of the hurricanes over the last few months. Lists of charities can be found here and here. All you have to do is e-mail your receipt to [email protected]. Once you have done so, you will be put on a list of donors eligible to receive the complete anthology, which will be released December 7. There are many talented writers and artists contributing, and for more fandoms than just The Hunger Games. I hope you will consider helping out with this excellent cause!
It’s not long till Christmas 🎄 I love this time of the year! I love giving gifts, decorations and watching Christmas movies! What Christmas film is your favourite? Love your secret Santa
Hi, Secret Santa!
I’m pretty sure The Holiday is my favorite Christmas movie. I just really like emotional Jude Law. It’s lovely to see. :)
Love in Panem’s A Candle For the Caribbean Sneak Peek
Better late than never, right? Don’t forget to donate to A Candle For the Caribbean, @loveinpanem‘s fund raiser for victims of Hurricane Maria. For more information, check here for information about donations and here for a list of contributors.
In October 2015, I submitted a story called Too Familiar for @promptsinpanem‘s Round 8. I knew at the time what the result would be from Katniss and Peeta’s actions in that story, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to write it. Over the months, this version of Everlark kept poking me on the shoulder, so I finished their story for A Candle in the Caribbean. Huge thanks to @titaniasfics, @thegirlfromoverthepond, and everyone else at @loveinpanem for hosting this challenge. An undying debt of gratitude to @akai-echo for the absolutely gorgeous banner. I can’t begin to express my gratitude.
She stopped then, confused at his confession. Her heart soared and broke at the same time. Why did this have to be so hard? Why couldn’t he be available for something real and good instead of guilt and shame?
“You what?”
“I love you. I have for a long, long time. I’m… I don’t know how to stop, Katniss, but I love you, and I’m married to someone else. I’m going to be a father in a few weeks, and all I can think about is how to balance getting the nursery ready with how to keep from screaming your name when I jack off in the shower.” He bowed his head, and she rested her palms on his shoulders. “I want to be a good dad. My baby deserves that. But Katniss—”
“But what?” she pled. “Tell me.”
“I want you. So much.”
“Peeta, I…” She didn’t know what to say, and he didn’t volunteer anything else. It took everything inside her to step away from him and blurt, “You need to leave.”
He nodded and crossed to the door in only a few strides. She panicked when his hand grasped the doorknob, and she called his name. She threw herself at him, wrapping him in a tight hug, and he pulled her tightly against him. Their faces were centimeters apart, their lips almost touching. For several seconds they stood frozen, and then he dropped his arms and staggered back against the wall.
“You see, Katniss? I want to kiss you so much, but I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do this.”
She reached for him and nuzzled into his neck, breathing in his scent. His cologne had always been her weakness. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she always smelled cinnamon and herbs when she was near him.
“You’re a good man, Peeta Mellark,” she whispered and kissed his neck. Then she released him and walked to her couch. By the time she was settled and reached for her remote, he was gone.
