The Backstory of my hotmess-ness: Becoming Official(ly a terrible couple)
Lets jump right in, shall we? Will and I had been “fuck buddies” (without the fucking so uh....cuddle buddies? who the fuck knows) a couple months at this point and lemme tell you I was sick of his bullshit. He ran hot and cold faster than a woman going through menopause. One moment he’d be giving me butterfly kisses in my hair, the next he’d be telling me I’d look weird bald. One moment he’d be staring into my eyes like I’m something special and in the next breath tell me he “doesn’t do compliments” then in the next breath compliment my friend on HER beauty. At any rate, I was fed up of him negging me. We had only had your “typical” hetero sex twice since we got together, but I was going down on him constantly because I knew he wouldn’t say no to that. It was always the same as the first time though. To be fair, he did go down on me too, and he was good at it, but.....sometimes a girl just wants to get FUCKED, y’know? and also, i don’t know, there was just this weird vibe of rejection that accompanied it. hard to explain. He rejected me a lot through the course of our relationship, and it started early. It was happening before we were even a true couple. Anyway, One day we came down the stairs, and his roommate referred to me as his “girlfriend” on the phone to her mom, and Will SHOUTS “SHE’S NOT MY FUCKING GIRLFRIEND.” and storms out. I say that we act like we’re dating in a lot of ways, and he said “yeah but still. we aren’t together.” and that was a straw for me. I was almosssssssstttt done. (pro tip: I was alllmooooossssttt done about 10840980850 times over the course of our relationship, so get used to rolling your eyes now.) Later that night, he cancelled a date with me to play a tabletop game. So I got drunk with my roommate and his friend and fucked his friend allllll night. I mean ALL. NIGHT. He didn’t have the biggest package but fuck man did he know how to make it work. This was pure, carnal, rage fucking. It was great. I’m not gonna sit here and say I felt guilty because I didn’t. He made it clear we weren’t together, I wanted to get laid, so I did. But I’m almost an honest person. So the next morning after the guy left (after we fucked once more), I messaged Will asking if he needed a ride to work. I knew this was a guaranteed way to get him to let me come over. I can be sneaky. So he said yes and I came over. He was still in bed, so I got in bed with him. “So” I said, in a matter of fact albeit slightly nervous sounding voice, “FYI, I fucked one of my roommates friends last night. Just thought you should know since we’re sexually involved..kinda.” he stopped for a dead second “oh, okay, that’s fine” he said, nonchalant. “Is that okay? YOU made it clear we aren’t together, but if you want to be exclusive, you can say something.” He shrugged. “Nope, its all good. Did you use protection?” “yeah of course” “then we cool.” I was devastated, because I was a stupid 21 year-old girl who had zero goddamn experience in this shit, and for some reason I really liked him, and even though I was NOTORIOUSLY straight-forward, I played a game (although to be fair I truly didn’t realize that’s what I was doing at the time. see: stupid 21 year old again as a reference) and it, as it always does, back-fired on me. I took Will to work, didn’t talk to him at all that day, and fucked that same dude again that night. Two days later I realized I was a week late. I PANICKED. I hadn’t talked to Will since that night, when I saw him briefly before I went and had sex with my roommates friend again. We had used a condom every time but at that time I was not on birth control. I got a test. It was a cheap one, the one with the - and + to tell if you were fucked or really fucked, so to speak. The was a very, very faint + sign on the test. Could be a positive, could be an error. I took another. Same faint +. I should note this was from the same box. I scheduled an appointment to take a pregnancy test at my doctors, then told Will we needed to talk. He waffled and said he wouldnt be available until around 11pm. I said “That’s fine.” and he sighed resignedly. I pull up to his house and he’s waiting outside. I’m wearing sweats and a baggy t-shirt because frankly, I’m stressed, and not in the fucking mood to look cute for some douchebag who has treated me so bad. I ask how his day was, he says fine. “We need to talk” I said, hesitating. he says “just spit it out Addie.” a note of regret in his voice. “I’m a week late and I took what may have been a positive pregnancy test.” Like I said. I’m generally straight-forward. He stops, shocked.
“The positive was faint though, so I have a doctors appoint scheduled this friday. I thought you should know. Don’t worry though, I’m not making this your problem. He frowns “So, whose is it?” I stare at him. “what?” “ I mean, you had sex with that other dude....Tyler.” “When I was already 5 days late. That isnt how implantation works, kiddo.” “oh. so...it would be mine.” “yes.”
pause.
“So... if you are,you’re getting an abortion, right?” I consider what he says for a moment, fully expecting to end whatever the fuck we have anyway, but not sure how to word how I feel. “No. I wont. but again, don’t worry about it if I am, I’m not holding you to anything. No offense, but it’s obvious from conversations we’ve had that you aren’t ready for kids nor do you want them.” He says, a bit defensively “I don’t think EITHER of us are ready.” I snap back “You REALLY have made no effort to get to know me well enough to make that assumption.” We sit in silence for a moment. he goes “You’re right. I havent.” I say “It’s okay.”
a beat.
“You really think I’m an asshole, don’t you?” he says this with an edge of a grin, like I’m going to punch his arm playfully and go “you betcha! but a lovable one!” “No. I just think you’re incredibly self serving and egocentric, so you don’t realize how your actions effect others.” (let it be said---maybe this makes me MORE of a moron, but I knew what I was falling in love with. I just.....couldn’t stop myself.)
Will looks like I just slapped him across the face. “...That really shocked you, didn’t it?” “Yes” he sits, dumbfounded. “HOW?? I mean, I’m sorry, but like ALL your friends have at this point warned me how self-involved you are, and you have LITERALLY TREATED ME LIKE TRASH SINCE WE STARTED WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS” I had raised my voice slightly at this point, but I projected enough heat through it for it to feel like I was screaming.
He looks at his feet. “You’re the first one to say it to my face. I’m sorry. You’re right, you deserve more respect than what I’ve shown you.” My heart thaws. “I’m surprised you remembered Tyler’s name. I barely did.” he laughs bitterly. “Of course I do! I was so fucking upset, you have NO idea. I wen’t into the tire room at my work after you dropped me off and beat the shit out of some tires. I hated it.” I stared at him incredulously. “FUCKING SERIOUSLY? Why didn’t you SAY SOMETHING? Jesus, I thought you didn’t give a fuck. I rage fucked that dude to prove something to myself and, I dont know, feel wanted, and then did it AGAIN when you acted like you didnt give a shit.” he laughs. “I dont know, it just sucked and I didnt know how to react.” I sigh.
“Do you wish we were in a relationship?” “I dont know....” “Okay, do you want to see other people?” “No.” “Do you want me to be exclusive with you?” “.....yes.” “Do you wanna go on dates and shit and talk and kiss and cuddle and have sex?” “yes.” “Do you REALLY wish you could tell people I cheated on you, even though I clearly did NOT as you made it 100% CLEAR we were NOT together?” “yes.” “THAT is called having a relationship.” “okay, then yes I do.” “Do what?” “Want a relationship with you.” “Okay. Ask me.” “what?!” “Ask me to be your girlfriend. I am a fucking prize, and deserve to be asked.” He struggles. I consider bailing, but after all, I might be FUCKING PREGNANT, and there is something about it...those fucking eyes again. “Wanna go out? be my girlfriend? Please?” he looks down, bashful. “yes.” we smile at each other. “And hopefully I’m not pregnant, but if we are, you can be as involved as you want.” “I want to be involved with you, as involved as possible.” Would you think me a fool for believing, at that moment, things would be different?
I wasn’t pregnant. It was a faulty test. It was a relief, we had only known each other a couple months. But still. A little sad. Maybe if I had been pregnant things really would have been different. But probably not.