disrespect was so loud i forgot that you loved me at some point

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disrespect was so loud i forgot that you loved me at some point
Them: surprised you haven't found somebody better
My genuine reaction:
Uhhh, sorry?
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tw: ed life sucks and this is the only thing taking the edge off
I hate relationships and love, I hate having feelings for someone. It's really stressful and every time my effort isn't reciprocated I automatically think (it's because I'm unlovable and I'm not good enough)
You do me no favors you tell only lies
Somehow I still see through deep in your eyes.
So it should be no surprise the way you act
As fickle as flies, as a matter of fact.
I see you here I hear you there
you are in everything everywhere.
But I do not smile I only tire
The way things were who you were it's been a while.
It's not happiness that I miss
or the softness from your kiss
These arent the things Id choose if I had a wish.
No it's something else all these things untrue
If it's time I have I always choose you.
But this is not something I can choose to have
You've chosen a life that drives you mad.
You drag me through it on a thin piece of yarn
You spun it from me I gladly gave you my arm.
I thought you use it to keep yourself warm
But now it's you I have to mourn.
You are not here you are not there
You are not tangible so I grab at the air.
This life can be unfair but it's you who brings us there
This life could be happy but it's you who are unfair.
We cannot blame the universe it did what it can
It's always been you who always chose another man.
You were scared I would do it so you struck first
You always knew what to say what really hurts.
I cannot give you what you will not let me
It's you for my heart who is the real enemy.
Too scared to stand here in front of me
Too scared to say too scared to be.
You become no one and nothing twords me.
You give no effort like your heart is empty
I would say soul but that's easy to see.
You lost yourself in searching for me
But you never came where I told you I'd be.
You did not look for me in me
You only searched in others you see.
One day you'll realize
there is no prize.
There is no game there is no fun
And what you've done cannot be undone.
No longer blame me for these things, I see
I'm not the only one it's clear to me.
I know you're not blind unlucky or dumb
Did you just chose dumb things like short-term fun.
You thought avoiding what was really true
Would somehow help you get past and through.
You knew the answers and showed the rest
You gave it to me and I passed with glee.
For the test was not to see if I was the best
For in it you hoped I would fail miserably.
Then you would have justification to run and flee.
To give you a reason to hate me
But I already knew the universe meant it to be.
Showed up every second throwing you at me
But in those moments you cease to be.
You had no intention no matter how it came to be
To do the opposite and do it excitedly.
I tell you now, I don't know how many there will be
These chances the universe gives opportunity.
You destroyed so many like a fire burning endlessly
You may have desire but you try and burn it in the fire.
This no longer rhymes as the end comes its time
In the future you will come across me
But do not look me in the face
don't come anywhere near me not even with space.
You had your chance you had your time
Will always cherish you but no longer after this time.
You do not try and I see the chances me and the universe give
As you throw them away stomp on them and act like we never did.
But my heart was in there and my brain All of Me.
And you stomped and you kicked for the last time
I've seen enough the signs so Grand.
And if not here if now you do not come to me
I've run out of ways to try
You've made me no longer know why
Like a bad dream maybe I should forget.
But I grow tired and weary yet
I still do not see you in front of me.
This pointless dream you will never let it be
The dream comes to close as my eyes do too
In my arms you will not be
I will not hold you while you get a kiss from me.
Your forehead stays cold as I grow old
And from what I've been told your heart is icy cold.
I do not know what's left of you
But in the end when we finally die old
The stories of you and how we met will never be told.
You are not something I will speak of
Because you are no longer something I smile because of.
You're only this thing that follows and darkens me
And in my hurt you stay with me.
But in my heart I want no hurt.
I need room for happiness to grow you see
Love will blossom it pours out of me
But you do not drink love and you do not care
I'll give it to someone else they'll have my hot air.
These poems I wrote for you are unfair
For in the words there is beauty there
But in you there's only despair.
Your words have no weight they're only hot air.
And they float away like they were never there.
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