D4T: Page 7 (Lu POV)
//cw: ableist slur and depiction of internalized ableism// go here for more info on d4t
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After telling her about his detransition she proceeded to ask a handful of follow up questions (they were pretty incoherent, and he honestly didn’t know enough..), he did his best to answer them until she just told him “srry for so mny questions idk if u can rlly give me what i wnt…for answers i mean! i think i jst need some time to thnk” (so there’s still, a chance they stay friends, hahaha,,, he’s dying ;-;).
But actually tho what the fuck just happened? Lu was so confused… did Alice just ask him out, or ask him to ask her out… why? He’s so… subpar, how long had she liked him??? Her little brother always called him her “boyfriend” to tease her, but he thought the joke was cause of how… mediocre he was. He knew she would say stupid things to make him flustered but, but wasn’t that to get a reaction out of him (plus she teased all her friends). She always did sit close to him when they hung out (but like she’s a girl, girls hug and cuddle and hold each other's hands all the time… right?). Wasn’t there that guy she liked??? Was she playing a prank on him?... no she would say that’s cringe and lame probably… so she likes him. He still can’t begin to process that but, luckily he won’t have too! Since she now knows about how absolutely disgusting his body is she’ll stop having feelings real quick (yay problem solved ;~;)... this sucks, if she had just never liked him it wouldn’t have hurt this much, was she gonna grow cold… like… nvm, he didn’t want to think about that, he didn’t want to think at all actually… she was his only friend (unless you counted his roommate Tanner… he seems nice… they rarely talked tho.) why did he have to like her so much, why did she have to like him back! If she was just not interested he could repress and hide away his feelings as tho they didn’t exist, but instead she ripped his heart out of his chest and now that she knew… she would throw it away. In this moment he wished more than anything he could be a feather floating thru the wind not needing to feel emotions or have thoughts, just going where the universe takes him.
Alice was somewhat more distant than before, but Lu was surprised how much she kept in contact. They didn’t really talk about what happened, which was comforting. He didn’t need to worry about what to say or do to keep her in his life, it was as tho they had an unspoken agreement to not acknowledge it. One day she asks to hangout at his, it was just after a big test so his roommate was out at a party…
trashbag_minister (Lu): “sure thing”
Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “yay!”
Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “when wll u get here btw”
trashbag_minister (Lu): “around 20 minutes”
Tranny Mona Lisa (Alice): “❤️❤️❤️❤️”
.
.
.
She just sent him hearts, he thinks his brain is about to explode… did she used to send hearts?... he thinks so… maybe, but like it had to mean someth- no… no no no. He wasn’t going to do this, he was going to be normal. She’s his friend.
When he picked her up she waved to him and got in, the car ride was quiet, but that was normal (he was so bad at talking and driving). But when they got out she was a bit quieter than usual, she barely said a word until they got to his dorm. When they did she hesitantly started talking about her life as they often did, but it felt strange, like she was padding for time. After a couple of minutes of this he asked…
Lu: “Is there something you wanna talk about?”
Alice: “...”
she seems more nervous than he’s ever seen her
Alice: “yeah…”
(oh god, dear god, please let it be no big deal)
she is fiddling with the seam of her shirt ever so slightly
Alice: “I don't super know what your detransition means to you…”
Alice: “... i mean, i tried to learn, but there aren’t many… resources or anything”
Alice: “anyway i don’t know what it means, but i still like *you*”
he lets out a deep breath
(thank jesus)
Lu: “Cool…”
Alice: “...”
Alice: “Do you… like me too?”
(shit)
Lu: “Oh… you meant like *like like*.”
Alice glares at him like he just said the stupidest thing in the world
Alice: “Yeah no fucking duh, also who says ‘like like’ past the age of ten”
Lu: “i don’t umm…”
Alice pulls back and once again becomes more timid
Alice: “Do you not? It’s okay if you don’t i… just thought you did…”
Lu: “No i d-do- i do, i just…”
Alice both looks affirmed and confused
Lu: “You shouldn’t,,n’t l-like me.”
Alice: “Why???”
Lu: “Be-be-be-cau-cause you can do better-ter…”
Alice: “That’s retarded!”
Lu: “L-Lys! You can’t sssay that!”
Alice: “Jesus fucking christ Lu, i… i just *fucking confessed to you*, and you respond with the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard, i can respond however the fuck i god damn want!”
Lu: “go-ju-Alice! I- it’s- god like you- you- you could- could have any s-s-ssself respecting man you want, you sh-shouldn’t se–se-set-t-tle for… *me*”
Alice: “I’m not settling, i *like* you, you’re smart and caring and sweet, why wouldn’t i like you.”
Lu: “Why *w-would* you! I’m a fu-fu-fu shit fuck god damn it! I’m a- I’m a fucking pathetic little shit preten-pretending to be a man, i-i-i can b-b-b-barely even s-sb-sp-speak, i…"
she rests a hand on him and looks in his eyes, he didn’t realize he was crying
Alice: “Are you okay?”
Lu: “...ye i just, it’s nothing, my brain is stupid sometimes”
Alice: “That's okay, i’m sorry for getting you worked up."
she smiles up at him
Alice: “I’m just… if you like me and i like you there isn’t any real reason not to date right?”
Lu: “But it’s more,, complicated than that-t”
Alice’s jaw clenches for a second but she takes a somewhat forced breath to relax
Alice: “Why? Why does it have to be?”
Lu: “Because of all the s–st-stuff i said.”
Alice: “But i don’t care about any of that.”
he pulls away from her
Lu: “I don’t even have a f-f-d-di-dick Alice… how would that- how would that even work”
she looks somewhat surprised at that, but responds quickly anyways
Alice: “Tons of people make that work.”
Lu: “But you shouldn’t- you shoulnt have too, your boy-boyfriend should be a real man not a tr-tr-trans girl in denial”
Alice: “You could be my girlfriend then, we don’t hav-”
Lu: “I don’t want to be your girlfriend!”
Alice: “...”
she looks down at her lap where her hands are gripping hard into her pants
Alice: “ok”
they sit like that awkwardly, tensely until…
Alice: “I want to go home”
.
.
.
Lu: “ok… can i go to the bathroom first”
Alice: “of course”
Lu walks into the bathroom, and sits on the floor. What was he doing? She was like the girl of his dreams, and more importantly, his best friend. Was he really gonna throw that all away because of… fuck, he entirely forgot what his point was. He was so scared. For almost a year now, ever since he detransitioned he just… accepted he would never be in a relationship again. But then Alice came in with her unending confidence and had the gall to just… like him, as he is… she didn’t care, not about his body, not about his brain, not about anything… god damn it. He walks out of the bathroom and sits next to Alice, when he approaches she seems to wipe something from her face…
Lu: “What’s wrong?”
(why did he say that jesus christ)
she looks at him like he asked her if she preferred drinking water or vegetable oil
Alice: “...nothing”
Lu: “mhm?”
she looks at the floor
before she could ask him to take her home he put his arm around her
she rests her head on his shoulder
(good sign… here goes nothing)
Lu: “You don’t have to say you’re fine.”
she looks up at him
Alice: “*I am fine*”
(she very obviously isn’t)
Lu spends some time trying to find the right words
(god damn it he is so bad at this)
he holds her cheek
Lu: “Look as your boyfriend, you should- you should tell me when you aren’t ok.”
Alice: “You’re my boyfriend?”
Lu: “I mean, even if i think you have bad taste, who would i be to deny the most b-b-gorgeous woman i-i’ve ever laid eyes on”
(that was the cringiest thing he’s ever said)
but she’s blushing very hard
Alice: “... i… you think i…”
she attempts to compose herself
Alice: “I don’t have bad taste, you’re very…”
Lu: “The point is you should tell me why you feel bad.”
she rolls her eyes but smiles
Alice: “I actually feel alot better now.”
(now Lu wasn’t so autistic that he didn’t *know* it was because of him before, but man did it feel good to hear her pretty much say she felt *better* because of him)
riding that high he kisses her once softly on the lips
Lu: “I hope that means you don’t have to go home right now, cause i,, i really wanna,, be with you a bit longer”
she responds by grabbing onto his shirt and nuzzling further into him
Lu can’t stop the massive smile on his face, as he hugs her tight. Nor does he want to, as he thinks about how lucky he is to be here.