#lucimusings

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

wow! people on the internet sure are shitty about folks identifying as asexual

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

someone is setting off fireworks nearby I thought it was gunshots but I just saw them spark bright bright red. it still makes me jump. my heart is beating too fast to sleep. I live in the city. I have to be awake in 6 hours. why here and why now. I am tired and I would like them to stop

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

I'd forgotten how Sad I used to be, that I have been I was looking at my "memories" on Facebook and I had flashbacks to when my life had an underlying feeling of anxiety/apathy/sadness/etc. and I guess I just forget about it these days I'm not Sad anymore, I hope it stays this way for a long while

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

long post talking abt myself

slowly realizing I probably have some Really Real sensory processing issues

there are lots of textures that I just Can’t Fucking Do that make me cringe like hell and give me weird feelings in my fingertips and I have to like flick every individual fingernail over and over to get rid of the shitty feeling

textures also get stuck in my head and I get all weird and cringey bc of that too

I hate dry sand esp. on the bottom of my feet, I hate anything dry and powdery esp. rubbing up against a hard surface (flour, plaster, sawdust, dry dirt, any of that), I hate when clay dries on my hands, and I can’t stand when my fingernails drag across certain materials in certain ways, especially dry ones w lots of friction. paper, metal, plastic - the material is less important than the texture. Also I was sanding some wood tonight and accidentally caught my fingernails once or twice and I straight up almost cried

i dunno I thought that was normal up until a couple of weeks ago

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

just once I need someone else to remind me that things are harder for me because I’m disabled and I wish they would just fuckin use that word instead of telling me all of the reasons that adhd is actually helpful in so many situations

I am already very, very aware of all of the impacts adhd has on my life please stop trying to tell me that I don’t have trouble functioning in modern society and culture and systems, I find the word disability empowering because it acknowledges that I’ve needed to overcome things that others have not, and maybe that’s a shitty reason to like that term but the frequency with which I need to be reminded of my shortcomings so I don’t feel like shit about the work I do is greater than I’d like it to be

we’ll get there

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

day 2 of not insulting people, not even jokingly:

this reminds me of when I was with ethan 

i wonder if this is going to be a permanent change

do i want to be this sarcastic bitchy person that i’ve turned into in college? do I like that about myself? do I like being mean to people, even jokingly? how do i feel about gossip

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

I hate that i’m going to spend the whole night thinking about him being with her

[gromit-we-forgot-the-crackers]

but if I don’t criticize myself heavily and put pressure on myself to behave in a certain way, who will?