#lucyfeelings

[lucymiddletonrogers]

there was a guy on here a few years ago who had a really funny and insightful blog, and then he deleted, and i vaguely wondered what had happened to him in the interim but i figured just living life free of discourse

he was norwegian, and a few weeks ago this blogger i know was friends with him said he was going to norway for a friend’s funeral. and i was really hoping it wasn’t [guy who deleted a while ago], but...i just learned that it was, and now i’m really sad

because he was a cool dude, and he seemed to have his life together more or less, but,,, 

he jokingly called himself a ‘t-bro’, and there’s a business around here called ‘t-bros’ that and i took a picture of their sign intending to send it to him and then he left tumblr and i was disappointed, and i guess,, well,, 

i hope that if there is a heaven, he’s doing better there, hanging out with richey edwards and still being aware of the existence of powerbottoming

[lucymiddletonrogers]

So I forgot that my crush moved and that now she would take the same train home as me um the train isn’t nearly full enough to justify me wanting to sit next to her but hey, no reason I can’t sit in the seat across the aisle, eh?

[lucymiddletonrogers]

seltsameseeds replied to your post:

im sorry for being a silly, emotional teenage girl...

that’s bullshit. I’m sorry you have to deal with people who make you want to apologize for existing, because please don’t apologize for that.

thank you very much

but like, the thing is. it’s not like people are telling me this sort of thing to my face? it’s that i’ve internalized the message that it’s wrong. 

i just

sad

[lucymiddletonrogers]

im sorry for being a silly, emotional teenage girl who yes, wants to kiss someone and date someone and have sex with someone im sorry 

im sorry for not being a good feminist who enjoys the idea of being celibate for the rest of her life

[lucymiddletonrogers]

apparently there’s a boy my crush is into

well

guess i should find someone else to have a crush on, now

:(

[lucymiddletonrogers]

talked to my crush today

granted about course selection, but still

and then i mentioned that at lunch?? and my friends were like aww yeah good for u and rebecca gave me a hug and i was just like

okay

and i felt, like, normal

[lucymiddletonrogers]

okay so i have some feelings and i don’t remember my livejournal password so i’m gonna post them here and i feel like i’ve said this already but i do not care

when i was a wee-r baby, like maybe, idk, 10, i read a lot of novels and stuff, babysitter’s club, stuff like that, you know? and frequently there was one girl who was “boy crazy”. and i was like, “haha. they’re so dumb. i’m not like that. ‘cause i’m better.”

and now i feel like i am “like that”. except not for boys, for girls. i’m like. “there’s LITERALLY SO MANY CUTE GIRLS AHHH”. i’m a hall monitor and there’s this girl who’s locker is next to my desk and AHH SHE’S SO CUTE. yesterday this girl who i think is AHH SO CUTE was sitting at a table near me and whenever the person i was talking to moved to the left slightly i could see her and i was like Ahh 

and--well, first of all, my keyboard switched to chinese for a second, what--anyway, i feel like i’m letting younger me down. because i’ve become, sort of, the kind of person she never wanted to be. and i just feel. such a stereotypical teenage girl. like i feel like i shouldn’t be sad that it seems like everyone else has a significant other. but i am, like, you know? like i feel like i shouldn’t want to kiss someone, to have sex with someone, but i do and it makes me so uncomfortable because i always felt above that sort of thing but i’m not i don’t wanna be like this i just wanna be that same twelve year old with her books and wait

here’s a conversation twelve year old me had

“mom, it’s kinda weird that ulises and katie are dating. we’re kinda young for that yeah?”

“how is that different from you kissing rebecca?”

“MOM IT’S DIFFERENT”

(okay, that’s not verbatim, but that’s basically what was said)

and it’s just like. ugh. 

[lucymiddletonrogers]

apparently anton got censured for sniffing butane

tbh i don't even, why would you, 

and ordinarily this would be like So What but anton is like;;; the cutest senior boy so i care about him more than i otherwise would