I was in a mood this weekend so that means 'be mean to Sugar' time I guess. Not really targeted, I love my baby gurl. So that means she gets problems.
Discussion of difficult reproductive subjects [primarily miscarriage], sex, breeding kink [mention] below the cut. Various headcanons and disjointed rambling.
I love the idea that Sugar is so mommy coded. I love her wanting to pour her love into something. I love her having a very idealistic and unhealthy view of motherhood. I love her being a possibly atrocious mother.
But somewhere in all that I like the idea that she can't have kids of her own. It's something that wouldn't really come up with the scenarios I usually have her in but off to the side in different AUs or whatever I adore the thought that she struggles to conceive. And if she does? Pregnancy is rough on her. She gets the worst end out of all of it. It's achy and painful. She's sick constantly and dizzy. She's brittle and struggles to stomach anything. Sleep is impossible but she's too exhausted to do anything else.
And more likely than not it won't go through...
She'll lose it. Early or late. It doesn't really matter. It ends. And it hurts all the same.
Because she loved it! From the very thought she loved it. She never complains about how hard it is on her. How much it hurts. The losses are never easier. She wanted them all the same.
I love the thought that she has this garden full of life and yet it's very root isn't able to harbor that same life.
I have the headcanon that Pavlova was born of the garden. All her magic and what not took root and more or less spat out a cookie from a pod. And I hold to the headcanon she LOVES Pavlova.
Depending on the AU she's very unhealthy with him. yeah. Like the most toxic boy mom/pseudo-incestuous dependency one can come across because she never learned healthy love and Pavlova becomes subject to all that.
In others she's clingy and dismissive or way too much but ultimately fine.
Always though she loves him. Because he's her treasure. He beautiful baby. A gift for her.
I love the thought she never regrets a pregnancy, even when it goes arry. Because it had the potential to be something. IT was an opportunity. A seed.
She can't help she's a bad garden...
About the picture, she's holding an egg. Something gifted to her from Pitaya or through magic or happenstance. Whatever. Doesn't matter. That precious thing is still worth all her love and care.
And she's having a little mental health spiral.
Egg is lost? Dying? All the trauma from past attempts coming to haunt her? Dunno. Doesn't particularly matter. She's having a bad time.
On slightly more ... no not positive just different notes... I like the thought that Sugar uses sex as a way of making others happy. That she'll let her body be used in any which way so long as it pleases. Often enough there's not consequences to letting herself be used... and if there are she doesn't make it others problems...
But, also, I like the idea of her and Pitaya going at it. Mutually working out some frustration over their shared fixation. Her riding Pitaya slow and lazy and making no fuss over Pitaya's size and the bulge they make in her stomach. Pitaya having their turn to just rut into her the way their instincts crave.
Sugar, at the end, so full and dizzy making the idle comment that it's a shame. She would love to carry a few eggs. Pitaya is very normal about this... I won't say it's outright the animal part of their brain that goes brr but there's something there that does it for them.
Side thought that I don't think Hollyberry being a mother already/being 'fertile' plays any part in Sugar loving her. Girly pop is just so down bad for her other half naturally BUT, I do think it a beautiful terrible thing that the one who loves so deeply and would do so much to have children is tied on a soul level to someone who has that aspect, has had children and grandchildren, and has squandered/ran from it
Anyway, thanks for coming to my TED talk