Luxury
I am not a natural at relaxation. One year my best friend and I got really into 50% off spa deals where we would go and use the facilities and pay for absolutely no extras, but other than that it’s not my natural home.
I have always been good at asking for things in small ways, (”Can you help me with this thing?”), but I have never been comfortable being “served” I don’t even like going to the hairdressers because of the undivided attention they give you. That and staring at your own reflection for 90 minutes.
I had been a bit tired and emotional and Lowri proposed a pedicure. That this was something she enjoyed doing and would like to do for me. As a treat.
I repeatedly asked, “are you sure?” it felt indulgent, and somehow not fair on Lowri, although she had offered.
She made me promise that I would not move for at least 30 minutes. Even after she had finished, I had to stay put.
Sit still. Relax. Enjoy. Just be.
At first it was a struggle. I babbled to counteract my anxiety that I was being self indulgent and she didn’t really want to be here, doing this lovely thing for me, (that she herself had offered to do.)
But with time I unwound.
I tuned in to the sensations. The sun on my face. The warmth of the water between my toes.
But mainly I tuned into the care.
Someone else was giving me their undivided attention. Of their choosing.
She had suggested it because she wanted to, and mainly because she wanted to enjoy it. Now who am I to sit here and spoil that with worry?
I did some therapy a few years ago and I remember my therapist repeatedly asking me, “how often do you let yourself have it?” as in, do the kind words and actions people present you with actually sink in? Or do you secretly tell yourself they aren’t true? They don’t mean it? You are undeserving?
So often, sadly, this is the case.
To accept kindness is a gift not only to yourself, but to the person providing it.
So I exhaled, leant back, and let myself have it.