#m.zayne

[everythingseasoning]

Oh god I just realized why Zayne feels like home (he is safety. he understands me) and Rafayel feels like living (emotional intensity/exploration/shared emotional experiences/same resonating feelings in the moment it happens)

Zayne is careful, thoughtful, attentive, and precise, in his understanding of me. He sees me in a clear and deep way. He makes me feel loved and known in a way that no other Li does.

But Rafayel is — he is laughing hard WITH me as we do life. He is creating shared intense experiences. He’s irreplaceable in passion and spark.

[everythingseasoning]

I told Caleb ONE time yesterday that I was having trouble waking up in the morning (Tete a Tete) and he has mentioned what I said on two occasions:

HE’S SO ATTENTIVE AND THOUGHTFUL?!!! (I need him to be real, not even joking, the kind of support and care he gives would send me on a rocket ship to the stars of happiness and dreams/goals come true)

Because yes Caleb— a pillow fight sounds SO fun!! And getting myself going/spurring movement by means of breakfast -> you’re going forward!

[everythingseasoning]

If the lads men were real, I fear that as badly as I love Zayne & want him, there’s a possibility that he’d see me like a little sister

He’s older, age appropriate, mature, veeeery surprisingly sexual, but that’s why he gives off older guy friend energy. (I’d still make him MINE if he’s down for a younger gal. 27 and 22/23 isn’t tooooo bad, but there IS a noticeable difference in life experience & maturity.)

Either that, or he’d feel we match wavelengths in many realms & thus that connection would create an interest in me <3 heehee (bc Zayne truly reminds me of my ex, I think he’d be down)

[everythingseasoning]

I just had a mindful and beautiful experience with fragrance <3

specifically pear scented lotion.

copy and pasting the thoughts I wrote down: It's sweet, fresh, and crisply natural. It has a kick or a snap to it- fruity and delicious. Zayne would enjoy this, and with that in mind I experience this scent in that same beautiful way. It brings me peace. It reminds me of him. It's just so refreshing and makes you feel anew with some sort of fruity-floral wonder, delight in the senses. It's a unique experience for sure :> and it's mine, all mine. It's just delightful in its own way! It's its own experience! I get to understand life more through this thing!

I’d like to thank a past mentor as well as Zayne for opening the doors up to that mindful moment. And also thanking myself because I need to start seeing myself as a person who exists and has thoughts and feelings and agency <3

[everythingseasoning]

a friend cannot truly know me without understanding my Rafayel obsession or the depth of pain I feel when I think about Zayne and his suffering and my own suffering because I’m doing life without him (Zayne and I would get married so quickly… we know what we want and it’s each other!!)