okay, okay using my brain here. why would they upload a freaking chibi strip comic like usual? to gain engagement for their insta? to appease more caleb girlies?
YES THE COMIC STRIP IS ADORABLE I ADMIT IT. but it doesn't change the fact i want valko back in the game and they at least communicate something, COME ON NOW WHY ARE THEY SO NONCHALANT ABOUT IT.
You cant help but feel like nobody wants you x bf!caleb
Tw: self harm, depression, insecurity
⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎ Angst, hurt/comfort m.list
Your breath shook in the quiet apartment, soft sobs that echoed against the walls. Rain pattered against the kitchen window, outside your apartment equally as gloomy as it was inside. Your apartment was dark, only the faint light above the kitchen sink illuminated your small corner.
Caleb would be back soon, probably any minute. You really fucked up this time and you knew it, adjusting slightly so your back slumped against the fridge, the cold tiles burning into the skin of your exposed legs. You turned your head to watch as the rain came down, a part of you wishing you could slip away like the rain did after it fell, sink into the earth or gathering into puddles. At least that way youd belong to something, if you offered something important to the world maybe youd be chosen first for a change. Actually needed for once instead of always being an afterthought.
The knob of the front door rattled, the hinges creaking gently as Caleb pushed it open and entered the apartment, dropping his umbrella onto the mat next to the door. “Pips?” He calls out into the darkness, eyes scanning the room before settling on your form. You’re still looking out the window, his eyes widening as the sewing kit lays open next to you, the new scissors he bought that weekend covered in blood as they rested against your thigh. You turn your face to look at him — eyes puffy as you let out another sob, your arms limp at your sides as blood drips down your arms from deep gashes on your triceps, blood pooling around your hands.
He moves quickly, unfortunately well versed in taking care of this aspect of you. He rushes to the bathroom, not even bothering to turn on the light as he grabs fresh towels and one of the many small medical kit Zayne had forced you to stock up on when you moved in with Caleb.
Caleb crouches down at your side, wrapping the towels tightly around your arms and making sure theyre secure. Worry burns itself into his features, a small worried smile on his face as his bloody hands stroke at your hair, a small comforting action as you continue to cry. “Shhh its ok. Youre gonna be ok. Do you wanna tell Caleb whats wrong?” He asks softly, pulling you gently away from the bloody spot on the floor and towards him, your back against his chest as he rests behind you.
He adjusts the towels secured on your arms, his head resting against yours as he hopes the bleeding stops soon. You nod your head, the action small and unsure as you sink closer into his warmth, your own body cold from the way your blood had poured from the cuts and coated the floor. Your legs felt sticky, dried and fresh blood coating your skin. You stare at it for a long moment, your brain fuzzy as you try to place your thoughts. You dry sob as you try to talk, feeling like there were no more tears left in you as your eyes burn from how swollen they are.
“I dont think anyone likes me Caleb. Nobody ever wants to pick me first” your voice breaks, your hesd dropping back against his shoulder, his arms wrapping around you tighter. “Whaddya mean? Im here, ill always pick you first” he tries to reassure, kissing your shoulder gently. You shake your head, your jaw aching from the frown that feels like its beginning to be permanently etched onto your face. “Thats cause you dont have anyone but me, if you did youd never pick me. Nobody ever wants me first. Nobody ever misses me or cares when im sad, you only care cause you have to, nobody would miss me if i was gone” Another sob broke from your throat, his fingers gripping at the towels harder — to reassure himself that you were ok and to help the blood stop.
“Thats not true, even if i had the whole world id still choose you. Youre everything to me, i miss you when you get out of bed to pee or get water or when you leave my side for a second to get something. I wouldnt be able to last if you werent here anymore, if i was never able to see your face again, or hear the sound of your voice. The way you laugh or the way you smile at my stupid jokes. How you look when you steal my clothes or when you tease me. Id miss that id never have anyone to share my memories with. The fact that id remember every aspect of who you are, of what you love, all the things youve told me you wanted to do together. Id miss every part of you so much id slowly start making them all my favourite things too so that id never really lose you, even if i lost myself. Because i love you so much, and i want you here with me forever. And id only choose you to be with me”
You cried — weak, cold hands moving to hold his hands as he hugged you tighter, his own soft tears wetting your skin as he wrapped you in his embrace, in his love, not only physically but emotionally, spiritually. Like there was no world where he could exist without you in it, like you were really his whole world even if sometimes you didnt believe it.
He never cared if you hurt yourself, never got mad or freaked out or made you feel guilty. He just helped you tend to them, kissing over the bandages and the old scars, markings that show a journey youve been on for so many years, one that hes helped you through for as long as he can remember.
He turns you slowly, letting you rest in his lap as you face him now. He peels the towels away, the bleeding slowing down as he wraps up your arms with bandages. “Ill take you to see Zayne tomorrow, but they arent deep enough to need stitches so they should be fine as long as we keep them clean and wrapped up for the rest of the night, ok?” He asked softly, kissing over your face when he finished wrapping , pulling you closer to him until your head was pressed into his chest.
“‘m sorry ‘leb, i love you. You mean so much to me i didnt mean to doubt that” he shushes you, kissing your hair as he shakes his head, hugging you tighter. “You didnt doubt anything princess, yknow im always here to make you feel better” you nod again, sniffling against his uniform, the dark fabric probably stained with some of your blood.
“Sometimes i just forget what the point of it all is. Like nobody really cares as much as they pretend. Like if one day i just disappeared and died nobody would even notice, nobody would come searching. Youre my only person Caleb, the only one i have left after everything. Maybe the only one i ever really had. Please dont leave me, please, i cant handle losing you. I cant be alone, ive been alone for so long” he listens to you, tears streaming down your swollen face; probably the last tears youd be able to shed for a while after how much youve cried that night.
He kisses your shoulder, his body shaking gently as he cried with you, hugging you tighter. It took him a while to respond, holding you so tight to his chest, like he was scared you really would slip away if he let go. He let your words sink in, all your feelings and insecurities. The fears you have about always being left behind, of never being picked by anyone, the very thoughts hes spent every day of his life trying to push from your mind. The ones hes singlehandedly attempted to convince you otherwise of by being there, by always being your person, the one you have despite everything. Small seeds of doubt flicker in his own chest, anxieties about not being who you need him to be, of not helping you as much as you need. Maybe he did leave for too long, maybe he did more harm than good. Maybe part of your abandonment issues were his fault.
He shakes his head, pushing the thoughts from his mind. This is about you, he can figure out his own problems later. “Youre my person too, ill never leave you. Please dont ever worry about something like that, ok? Youre my everything in this world, the only reason im still alive” his fingers trace idly at your back, small patterns against your warming skin.
Maybe his words were slightly off putting, maybe they wouldve made this situation with anyone else worse, but you werent anyone else. You were his, and maybe theres really nothing more comforting than his obsessive issues healing your insecurities, and all your insecurities validating his obsessions. Maybe you were both equally as ill and maybe it was so bad for both of you but there really is no other place youd want to be besides in each others arms, swimming in the seas of each others insanity while you both fell apart.
“How bout we go to sleep, we can cuddle all night and in the morning i can take you to the bakery or for ice cream? Whatever you want you can have it” he shifts you carefully, picking you up to carry you to your shared bedroom. He sets you down gently, leaving your side for just a brief moment to pull his uniform from his body and let it fall to the floor. The weight of it had guilt blooming deep in his gut, knowledge that he would have to leave you again, eventually, even if it was the hardest thing for him to ever do. He climbs into bed beside you, pulling you into his chest, his skin lighting your own up like a furnace. You snuggle into his chest, breathing in every part of Your Caleb and he breathed in every part of you.
Maybe a small part of you really was ok living like this if it meant you got to share it with him.
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a/n: hi guys i just wanted to say that i was having a really really bad night and i wrote this. Ive struggled with a lot of these feelings my whole life and i just wanted to let you guys know that you arent alone and theres resources for you to get help and people in your life for you to talk to. I love all you guys and i really hope you all can heal and get better because you deserve it
A piece I did in honor of not pulling for this Caleb banner 🍎 (i'm sorry caleb why did they do that to you nowwww 😭). I, instead, used the money that would've went into aurum passes/packs and donated to charities.!
Specificallly, Pilots N Paws ✈️🐾(org. where volunteer pilots help rescue animals) and also HeadsUpGuys 🗣️ (org. that provides therapy resources and help to break shame of men and mental health).
Haha, so I saw Pilots N Paws and thought that Caleb totally would volunteer as a pilot to help rescue animals! Please take a look at the charities and consider donating if you want/are able! ☺️✨ (they have a lot of really good charities that I think Caleb would love fr)
https://x.com/seiyaspuppy/status/2084755662421037299?s=20
Stay strong apple mains! (And if you do pull, please consider waiting until after 3 days to pull or using resources you already have so we can show we mean business.) ILY! 🫡🍎🍏
Someone said “there’s no puppy energy to Caleb in the kr/cn/jp versions” and it suddenly clicked why the vibe of Caleb fanart made by East Asian artists is sooo different and more unhinged than English loc fans 😭😭😭
He’s not PUPPY he’s a FULL ON WOLF God I wish I knew Chinese/mandarin 💔💔💔💔
