#maartejade

[theprocast]

I have been used to people giving up on me. They say they're too tired to deal with me, that I was too difficult, that being with me is not easy. I have always been accustomed to letting them go, not even asking them to stay no matter how much I want to because I know I will never be a comfortable home to anyone. I am just some cheap motel or inn where people would go for a night or two, exhaust everything I can offer, then walk away like I never mattered.

It's too tiring to keep on asking myself why they have to go when I have given them my all. Thus, it has become a familiar resort to blame myself because no matter how much I give, this will never be enough to keep someone for a little much longer. No matter what I do, I can't make anyone stay.

[theprocast]

No, I don’t just want to fall in love. I want to be loved back, to be cherished. I want those cute endearments and the petty arguments and make up sessions. I want those good morning texts and late-night conversations. I want to feel like I’m important. That my very existence can make someone feel that for the first time, they are complete, they are enough. I crave for random dates, the sneaking out just to go somewhere or unplanned road trips. I want those cute I-love-you-more fights and the feeling of having someone who wants to be kept by me. I want to hold hands and kiss and throw myself into the arms of someone who is going to hold my hand tighter, kiss me back harder and never let me go. I am sick of being the only one who has to give love and receive friendship in return. I am tired of seeing him smile for someone. I don’t want to keep on thinking about the what ifs. I want to stop hoping that we could have a chance or that he will see me as a lady that could be his Ms. Right. I am tired of waiting at the sidelines. I am tired of getting hurt because he can’t love me back. I want to stop asking when will I ever be good enough. This time, I am letting him go. This time, I am giving myself a chance to be another person’s significant other. I am giving myself a chance to be happier with someone who can love me the way I love him and treat me the way I’m supposed to be treated. I am going to grab this opportunity to end the pain of not being loved back, to put a stop to all the what-could-be’s and just face the reality that someone out there is meant for me, even if it will never be him.

Unrequited love no more (m.b)

[theprocast]

Him: Do you know what else is terrifying other than being left behind? It's leaving.

Her: But why?

Him: Because you do not know what would happen next. You know why people hesitate to get into long-distance relationships? Because distance and timezones make everything shitty and uncomfortable. You plan to communicate every day but in the long run, daily video calls become a once-in-a-month thing. You plan to survive it but your partner is slowly letting go. You plan to make it work, but somehow, things change and then you wake up one day and question yourself if the relationship is still worth it. Leaving is terrifying. You could lose the person you have cherished so much. You could find someone else and break another's heart. You can walk away feeling confident that it wouldn't hurt only to realize days later that it's unbearable. Walking away for any reason isn't always pain-free and guilt-free. It comes with a price -- which most of the time is too high to pay. I understand that being left behind is painful but so is leaving someone else. Being left behind is tragic, but walking away feels heavy on the heart too. Being left behind is terrying, but leaving is very scary too. So the next time someone leaves you, do not hold grudges. Remember that it might have been so difficult for them to take a step away from you. You might not notice it as you are blinded by your tears but they are probably breaking inside too.

[theprocast]

You did not even let me try to do it, we weren’t even able to see if it will work" he lashed out at me. But the truth is, I did let him try – twice. I saw that it wasn’t working, that’s why I suggested a different idea, a new plan. But he did not see it, all he saw was the bad side, the worst. He said I always insist on doing things my way, that I am way too controlling. But the truth is, I just don’t want him to go through all the hassle. Yet again, he did not see it. It’s not okay. It definitely isn’t. I have to pretend that it’s fine every time he raises his voice to show that he’s still superior, to show that he is still in control. And I give in – always. It hurts to be misunderstood, especially if all you want is the best for the person you love and care about. But then, you really can’t do anything about it. You just continue to care and to love and to do things that would make him happy – even if he sees the opposite.

because it’s love (m.b)

[theprocast]

i remember when you told me once, "you are home to me. you make me feel like i can come back to you every time i leave." indeed, i served as your home. you left me several times yet i welcomed you back. i took you in, forgave you for leaving, and tried my hardest to forget the pain. it took me a long time to realize that i do not deserve you. i do not deserve to be left behind whenever you find someone whom you think could make you happier. i do not deserve to be the shoulder you cry on to when you have no one. i do not deserve to be an option or a second choice, when i can be a priority. it took me a while but i know better now. i am not someone you can always come home to whenever you feel like it because i deserve someone who'd never leave.

realizations #2(m.b)

[theprocast]

this is me freeing myself from all the self-loathing, from all the pain. this is me taking a step forward to finally move on from the past. this is me learning how to guard my heart from people who want to take advantage. this is me embracing liberation from your memories. it’s not that i no longer care. it’s just that i’ve decided that this time, i’m going to love myself a bit more. that i’m never going to empty myself again just for the sake of someone who can’t consider me as “good enough.” that i, too, deserve all the love that i’ve given everyone, even if they can’t give it back.

realizations m.b

[maartejade]

I don't want to have any regrets. I don't want to look back one day and feel even just a tiny bit of sorrow because I didn't do the things I should've done or wanted to do. I don't want to have any what ifs. This is why I take a plunge into an abyss of risks and uncertainties everyday. Because I don't want one moment of, "if only I have done this."

Late-night thoughts (m.b)

[neverthegoodguy]

To the man who let her go

Thank you. Thank you for walking out of her life, for leaving her. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to love her, to do things that would make her happy, to really keep her. Thank you for hurting her. If not, she wouldn’t have learned something valuable. I will try my best to not cause her pain, for it hurts me to see her cry. I will do all the things you failed to do for her like be there for her when she feels so alone, prioritize her and not make her feel like she is just an option, listen to her stories, rants and complaints no matter how bizarre or cliche they might be. Give her time and affection even when she is not asking for it. I will take care of the girl you failed to appreciate. I will love the girl you took for granted. I will do anything to keep her and make her stay. I will love her for all that she is, and will support her in anything that she wants to be. I will be the partner you failed to become for her. I will be the man who will never make the same mistake that you did. I will never let her go.

CTO