#maddyfication

[get-up-cowards]

the-furnace-with-wings replied to your photo: Oh god so my mum painted my face and there was...

DO I LOOK LIKE YOU YET WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING

Shhhh maddeh don't be angry or u'll get even more emo and da wurld will ovrloed and fob will leeve shhhh

[get-up-cowards]

OH HEY

  Maddy POV

  I woke up slowly, groaning and turning over to bury my face in the pillow. It was a Saturday, about 2:00 pm... and I had to go to work.

  Okay, technically I knew that I was pretty lucky when it came to work times. Being a sound engineer at House of Blues, Chicago was hardly the most boring or early of jobs - and definitely not the least well paid. But come on. It was Saturday.

  I grumbled to myself as I got out of bed, chewing some cereal and throwing some clothes on dully. I hated mornings... especially afternoon mornings. They just made me more tired, somehow, which wasn’t good when I had to drive for ages to get to work. At least I got to have a lie-in.

  I eventually arrived in the car park outside, rolling my eyes as I saw my bitch of a boss waiting by my parking spot. For god’s sake. Didn’t I get five seconds of peace before having to deal with her?

  “You’re late.” she whined as I got out. I frowned.

  “Actually, I’m not. Look. It’s 2:30.” I pointed out, showing her my iPod, grinning as she rolled her eyes at my Supernatural desktop. Preppy bitch.

  “I texted you asking you to come in an hour early.” she replied matter-of-factly. I pulled a face involuntarily, grabbing it out of my car and checking it. Nothing.

  “I mustn’t have got it, I guess. Sorry. Why did you need me early?” I asked, determined not to scream at her.

  “People are here. Important people, from the show tomorrow, floating around and talking to people to sort out the sound levels. They’ve been here for an hour, and they’re all getting angry.” she spat. I clicked my tongue, shrugging to intentionally piss her off.

  “Bummer. Not my fault man, sorry.” I smiled falsely, breezing past her and snickering to myself as I disappeared into the building. God, I hated her.

  I walked up to my “office” - basically a raised platform overlooking the stage - and threw myself down in the seat by my desk. Huffing at all the paperwork that Bitch Face had piled on it, I settled down and watched all the people running around between the seats and down the stairs to the stage, smiling to myself. It was quite relaxing, actually.

  “Hey.” I suddenly heard, spinning around too quickly in my chair and nearly overbalancing. I blinked as a guy grabbed my arm and hauled me back up. “Woah there! You okay?” he asked, smiling. I blushed, nodding awkwardly as I took in the sight of him. Oh wow. Cute fluffy hair, pretty eyes, and- yep, little dimples. He was gorgeous.

  “I’m fine.” I replied quietly, trying to hide behind my hair. He laughed.

  “I’m Olan. How are you, Fine?” he joked. I laughed nervously. “So, uh, I didn’t mean to intrude... but, uh, are you the sound person?” he asked. I nodded. “Do ya mind if I bring everyone else up? Only they’re going on about levels and I don’t know what to say.” he smiled. I shrugged.

  “Fine by me.” I replied, waving as he grinned again and started to walk away. Wow. He looked cute when he grinned.

  Unfortunately, he brought the rest of the people back with him, and I had to be social and try and ignore some idiot standing way too close and trying to put his hand on my leg - he only stopped when I purposefully rolled over his foot.

  About halfway through the longest conversation I’d ever had - or at least, that’s what it felt like - pervert guy dismissed Olan, telling him to “go make coffee”. I frowned absent-mindedly as he sighed, sloping off and coming back a few minutes later... with one extra, which looked perfectly made for me. I raised an eyebrow as he passed it to me wordlessly, watching him smile gorgeously and mouth “I’ll tell you later” at me. My stomach filled with butterflies as I nodded and took a sip. Spot on. Wow, he was even more amazing at making coffee than he was at being hot.

  Finally, all the “important” people went, even though Olan looked reluctant to go... I smiled at him, nodding at a spare chair and nearly choking as he actually came to sit in it. Okay. This was pretty new.

  “Hello again.” he smiled, taking a sip of his coffee. I nodded.

  “Hey. On coffee-making duties, huh?” I asked. He rolled his eyes.

  “Ugh, don’t. They’ve been treating me like an idiot ever since I started this tour, just cause I’m... well, I’m sorta the least well known out of the bunch. Typical, huh?” he pulled a face, relaxing back in his chair and crossing his legs. I nodded absent-mindedly.

  “Well... I know your name, which is more than I can say for that lot. So to me, you’re more well-known.” I pointed out. He giggled, somehow managing to sound both adorable and hot at the same time, and nodded at my drink.

  “Any good?” he asked. I grinned.

  “You’ve got some major skills there, dude. How did you know how I like it?” I asked. He bit his lip.

  “Ah. Uh... well, I kinda wanted to make you one, seeing as you’re the one doing all the work, but I hadn’t asked if you wanted one and I didn’t want to go back in and look stupid so I... I asked some girl whether the sound person drank coffee and how she liked it. That sounds creepy.” he laughed at himself. I giggled along with him, starting to relax. Aw, he seemed so sweet.

  “Nah, I get what you mean. I’m too socially awkward to go back into a room full of people if I’ve left to do something.” I smiled, taking another sip. It really was perfect.

  “Anyway, I asked a girl who might be half-orange, and she said- what?” he asked as I snorted, coughing coffee all over everything.

  “That’ll be my boss, then. Stupid... ugh.” I muttered, wiping my jeans dry. He grinned.

  “Yeah, she said you drank coffee, and never said no to a cup, and then told me how you liked it. The more you know, eh?” he grinned. I nodded sheepishly, wondering whether Bitch Face had been any more shit-stirring than she normally was to people behind my back today. Damnit.

  “And what else did she say, huh?” I asked dryly. He pulled a face.

  “Something. I wasn’t listening.” he replied tactfully. I arched an eyebrow, and his innocent face turned into another grin. He really was cheerful, wasn’t he? “Fine. She said you didn’t do your job properly, or words to that extent. But I don’t think that’s true, huh?” he winked. I blushed.

  “That one again? Jeez... if she had a problem she’d take it up with management, for god’s sakes.” I mumbled to myself, thinking aloud. He smiled at me.

  “Hey, I still don’ t know your name.” he realized, pouting. I smiled.

  “I’m Maddy.” I replied casually. He grinned.

  “Nice name, Maddy.” he commented, and it looked like everything was going to turn into an awkward silence - but someone called for him downstairs. He pulled a face, setting his cup down and getting up.

  “Ugh. I’ve gotta go mingle... will you be here tomorrow?” he asked. I nodded.

  “I’m always here. Me and boss, right?” I sighed, miming being sick. He laughed cutely.

  “Guess I’ll see you around then. Bye, Maddy.” he called as he walked away, blowing a kiss when I waved at him. Obviously, I went bright scarlet for the third time. Wonderful. At least I wasn’t orange.

  I fiddled around with the soundboard for a few minutes, trying to make pervert guy happy with how loud his voice was - and then Bitch Face called me back downstairs. Muttering, I walked down and sighed as she immediately stepped in front of me.

  “Who was he?” she asked. I shrugged.

  “Some guy from the group. Why are they all here, anyway?” I asked. She rolled her eyes stupidly.

  “The comedy tour? The one that everyone’s been talking about for weeks?” she encouraged patronizingly. I smiled politely and tried not to punch her as she scoffed and tossed her stupid long blonde hair and picked at her stupid long fingernails and crinkled her stupid tiny nose and generally was stupidly perfect. “Anyway, back to that guy... did he say what his name was?” she asked, an icy politeness in her tone. My heart sank. She fancied him. Crap.

  “Uh, no.” I lied, curling my hands into fists as she walked away without a word. Just one punch... I thought to myself, but forced my hands to relax and stomped back upstairs. Damnit. Why did she always have to ruin things? What, I couldn’t even admire a cute guy without her sticking her nose in? Jeez.

  After that, I got really paranoid. I searched for him from my platform, saw him walking around and chatting, and pretty much creeper-stared him for ages. He just wandered around, talked politely and laughed with people, then moved on. Bitch Face walked up to him, and his “what the hell is that” face before he smiled at her made me grin. He moved on pretty quickly after that, looking around for a bit - and staring straight at me. I straightened up in shock as he smiled and gave me a quick wave, forcing myself not to freeze and wave back. A few seconds later, he was making his way up to me again.

  “Do ya mind? Only everyone down there’s annoying me.” he smiled, sitting down when I shook my head. “So, you been doing much?” he asked. I giggled stupidly, shaking my head again.

  “Nothing much to do, really. I mean, a band can be quite hard to sort out, because all the guitars and stuff, but one voice is just... I’m gonna be stuck here bored for like three hours tomorrow, keeping one finger on the board.” I replied, rolling my eyes. He grinned.

  “Huh. I guess it must be pretty cool sometimes, though. I mean, seeing bands for free...” he speculated. I grinned.

  “Yeah. The best one was Linkin Park, especially cause I could turn up the parts I liked best.” I smiled, remembering it happily. That’d been a pretty cool night. He grinned.

  “Sounds awesome.” he smiled, his crinkly eyes making me blush.

  “Yeah, it was great.” I replied awkwardly. A minute or so later, he got called down again, saying “I’ll see you tomorrow”, and I got on with “work”. Well. Kinda. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, why he was being so nice to me and seeming actually interested in what I said and making me coffee... maybe he was just sweet. He’d probably been this friendly to everyone he’d chatted with, maybe felt sorry for me when he saw me up here all alone again and came to be nice. I’d be stupid to dwell on it all.

  The next day, I set everything up in five seconds flat and waited for Olan to appear. I saw him walk in, and he looked up and waved at me - but he immediately got dragged backstage, and I didn't see him for the rest of the evening.

  The comedy show started a few hours later, and I sat in the back of the crowd, bored as hell. I mean, what was there to do once you'd set everything up except leave it all and try not to snore too loudly?

  "Ladies and gentlemen, Olan Rogers!" the pervy guy from before on stage announced. My ears perked up. Olan? Wasn't that the guy from yesterday? He'd been nice... sweet. I decided he'd be worth watching.

  He really, really was.

  I was clamping a hand over my mouth to stop myself from roaring with laughter - not that anyone would have noticed, they were busy pissing themselves too. He was amazingly funny. Pretty cute too, in an innocent sorta way.

  "Y'know, I met some girl yesterday. She was nice. Any of you guys know her?" he asked, grinning. I gulped. Did he mean me? No, he'd been walking around and chatting to everyone. I couldn't have been the most interesting girl here. He was probably talking about Bitch Face.

  "She had, uh, bright red hair. Seriously. Like that mermaid. Uh, Maddy, I think she was called? You know her?" he asked again. I swallowed, blushing as I peeked over the desk and waved shyly at him. He winked cheekily at me.

  "Oh, there she is! Don't all stare, she hates... people." he laughed. I scowled at him, blushing deeper and smiling at the entire crowd staring my way. Wonderful. Thanks, Olan.

  "Hey, so guys I was wondering... don't you think we make a cute couple?" he asked. I stared blankly. What?! Ohmygodohmygodholycrap. He has to be joking, he's just teasing, he's... hot. Very.

  The crowd whooped and cheered, making me blush even more crimson. All the wolf-whistles made me cringe - and him grin.

  "So guys, seeing as me and you are such good friends, y'know, you're my wingman! Introduce us!" he demanded. I started trying to hide under my desk.

  "Really what I'm trying to say is - and she probably hates publicity so she'll murder me for this - guys, do you think we should go on a date?" he asked them. Everyone cheered. It took me a while to realize I was nodding. Lots. He grinned cheekily at me.

  "So Maddy, whaddya say? All these people can't be wrong!" he teased. I bit my lip, going even more scarlet as I nodded tentatively, still not sure if he was joking or not. He smiled and gave me a thumbs up, much to the delight of everyone in the room. Including me.

  "You're as red as your hair." he commented before carrying on with the show.

  Afterwards, I was unsure whether or not to wait. Was he really serious? If he wasn't and saw me waiting, things would get awkward. And my social skills hardly shone... but Olan was nice. There was something about him in the way his eyes sparkled, in his cute little grin. I decided that the embarrassment would be okay, just as long as I waited. He was worth staying for.

  I still hid behind a pillar, though. Just in case.

  I watched him walk around the corner, not noticing me as he went over to my boss.

  "Hey!" he greeted, as friendly as he always was to everyone. No reason to be angry. I still glared at her fiercely. Guy-stealing, man-eating bitch. She fluttered her eyelashes at him. I felt sick.

  "Do you know where Maddy is?" he asked her. My heart skipped a beat. He'd meant it? Or was he just coming to thank me for helping him win the crowd over?

  Bitch Face flashed him a quick smile, looking slightly to the left and slightly to the right.

  "Oh, I can't see her anywhere... maybe she's gone home?" she asked, sticking out her chest. Olan sighed sadly. "She has a habit of doing this to guys, y'know. I really hate girls who stand up their dates..." she sighed. OH HELL NO.

  "Hey, Miss- Oh, hi Olan! I was looking for you!" I smiled, acting pathetically as I stepped into view. Bitch Face glared at me, but Olan beamed. Oh, wow. I'd never noticed the dimples. Hoooooooooot.

  "Well, hello there Miss. Would you care to step this way?" he smiled, gesturing to the car park. I grinned happily as I walked with him, trying to suppress giggles at the look on my boss' face when he put his arm around me.

  "Wow, what's with Miss Make-Up over there? She was talking crap about you..." he grinned. I smirked. Awww. He'd known I wouldn't do something like that.

  "Yeah, she hates me. Stupid bitch." I muttered. He laughed.

  "Well, I don't hate you. I like you. You're different. That's why this is happening." he grinned at me, squeezing me tightly for emphasis. I smiled shyly. "Okay, frankly... it's nearly midnight. It's too late for restaurants and clubs play crap music. McDonalds, or would you prefer somewhere more upmarket? KFC?" he asked. I laughed.

  "KFC sounds perfect." I grinned. He smiled.

  "I knew you were awesome. And by the way, dat accent." he commented. I blushed. Again. "Dat blush too." he flirted. I grinned.

  "Well, you're very good at making it happen." I admitted. He laughed.

  "You're funny. Take my job!" he ordered playfully, making me giggle.

  "Hardly." I grinned at him. He smiled. "So, where are you touring next?" I asked as we got in his car.

  "Well, I've got seven more tour dates. The next one's in Denver in a couple of days." he replied. I nodded nonchalantly, biting my lip as he started the car. I was going on a date with some random guy I'd met the day before. Sure, he was cute. But... c'mon. Was this even safe?

  I looked over at him, smiling involuntarily when he grinned at me. No, those thoughts were stupid. He was just too sweet to be dangerous. Besides, he'd asked so publicly that I could hardly say no.

  It went well. Oh so well. He looked gorgeous, sitting across from me and grinning and eating stupidly to make me laugh. He looked at me like I was gorgeous, however stupid that was - and I couldn't help but stare at him the same way. Those dimples... oh wow. He was perfect.

  In fact, the date went so well, that we got outside, he ran me home... and with a cute, shy smile and those big brown eyes looking up at me pleadingly, he asked for my number. I blinked unwittingly. What? I hadn't been totally horrible to his eyes? That was weird - but I wasn't complaining. I gave it him, and his face lit up into a brilliant grin, and it was simply gorgeous. I wanted to earn that grin a lot more often.

  He called me up a week later, asking me to go on a date with him on Saturday. I agreed, obviously - even though I didn't understand how he'd get to my house from Denver or wherever. I was pretty doubtful he'd actually show up... but I got myself presentable, just in case.

  I wore the least annoying dress I had, a cardigan that looked pretty much okay, and some kinda clean Converse. And I wore make-up, which was a stretch for me.

  It was a little later than 9 like he'd promised, but he turned up with a box of chocolates and a big grin. As soon as he saw me, his eyes widened and he stepped forward for a hug.

  “Well, hello there.” he smirked sleazily. I pouted, secretly thrilled as I mock-slapped him. He stuck his bottom lip out, looking adorably vulnerable, until I gave in and hugged him again. He smiled. “You look amazing.” he complimented. I smiled, trying to stop myself from going red.

  “And you.” I replied. He really did. He was wearing a deep blue dress shirt, black trousers - and trainers. The same sort of vibe that I’d gone for. Plus, his hair looked... different... “Is that gel?” I asked. He bit his lip.

  “Maybe.” he mumbled. I grinned.

  “I like it! It suits you. But I like Scruffy Olan too.” I smiled, staring at the floor. Never was much good at giving compliments. He smiled, hugging me again - and kissing my cheek. I couldn’t stop the grin that spread across my face, or the blush that appeared. Damn it. Why was he so damn perfect?

  He took me to a posh restaurant, told me to order whatever I wanted, and paid for the lot. I tried to protest, but he just put a finger to his lips cutely and shoved a bunch of money in the waiter's hand. I raised an eyebrow. Holy crap. Was he rich?!

  When he dropped me off outside my house later on that night, he grinned at me and asked me out again next week. I happily agreed, giving him a hug and a little kiss on the cheek before I went. And then I got sick.

  I texted him to cancel, feeling like I was going to puke half my stomach out - and then there was a quiet noise somewhere outside. I groaned, trying to bury my head in the pillow and blanket I'd set up on the couch and sleep.  It happened again, louder that time. I realized someone was knocking at the door... ugh. Damn people and their visiting.

  "Maddy? Are you okay?" I heard. My heart skipped a beat. Olan? What the... how had he got here?

  "Uh... uh..." I tried to speak, but ended up gagging instead. He gasped.

  "Maddy, let me in. Are you okay?" he asked again. I groaned, falling off the couch and dragging myself to the door. As soon as I opened it, he stepped in and hugged me. "Oh god, you're so sick! I should have come earlier..." he muttered, pressing his face into my hair. I blushed.

  "It's fine, dude. Don't you have stuff to do?" I asked. He tutted.

  "Maddy, you're more important. Learn that." he told me, dragging us both to the couch and holding me for a few minutes. I sighed happily, nuzzling into his shirt as I realized that we closer than ever before. Our relationship had just been a half-serious good time so far. Then we were suddenly cuddling on the couch and he was telling me I was important. Okay.

 After a few minutes, he shifted me so I was lying flat and got up.

 "Do you need anything? Water? Tablets?" he asked. I shrugged, stretching as much as my stomach would allow.

 "Uh, not really. I'm good." I replied, suddenly sleepy. He smiled sweetly at me before turning to go. "Hey, wait... I'm actually pretty hungry." I called after him. He turned back, frowning.

 "Are you sure that's not gonna make you sicker?" he asked. I grinned.

 "Sicker? Wow, master of grammar. Just get me food, dumbass." I teased. He laughed.

 "MASTER COMMANDER GRAMMAR!" he yelled before disappearing into my kitchen. I smiled to myself, falling asleep on the couch and only waking up when he came back with soup. “Oops. Sorry.” he smiled sweetly, picking my head up and sitting down, putting it back so I was using his lap as a pillow.

  “Thanks.” I murmured, and he tutted.

  “Don’t be. Gotta keep you nice and healthy, right?” he asked, stroking my hair. I groaned happily, tossing my head and grinning as he massaged my scalp just how I liked it.

  “Healthy? Chance would be a fine thing.” I grinned. He rolled his eyes and somehow bent far enough forward to kiss me upside down, which made me giggle. And then I threw up on his shoes.

  He seemed to take it well enough, laughing at me and going to put his shoes outside and bringing me a bucket with only a few “ew”s. For the rest of the day he took care of me, made me food and brought me blankets and buckets and carried me to bed at night. That part made me particularly happy that he was there, especially when he tucked me in gently and kissed my forehead goodnight.

  “Y’know, sometimes I think we’re perfect for each other.” he murmured, possibly too quiet for him to want me to hear, before waving and disappearing out. I waved back, fell asleep, and woke up feeling fine again. Just like magic.

  Of course, after that we were hanging out every day, I helped him film or he took me to his house or came over. We never really did much more than kiss, but I loved it. Maybe that was why it went wrong. Maybe I didn’t excite him enough.

  He stopped calling. Just like that, he stopped. He'd been all over me just days before, and now... well. I had to ring him, apparently.

  Obviously, I did call him. Whenever I could, which made me feel needy as hell, but I was worried about him. I was scared he’d gotten depressed or something like that, I wanted to make sure he was okay - until a friend of mine told me they’d seen him with old Bitch Face. In an alleyway. Snogging.

  It hurt. More than it should have, really. We hadn’t exactly been together for a million years when it happened, I hadn’t really been sure if we were together sometimes, but I couldn’t help my feelings. I just didn’t understand. Every time we’d ever mentioned her, it was a laugh. We’d joked about how funny it would’ve been if she’d ended up with him instead of me. And now he was kissing her, which was basically - even though we’d barely done anything much together except kiss, never mind tell each other “I love you” - cheating on me. We were together, right? I was suddenly so unsure...

  When I finally did manage to call him, I didn’t bring it up. He seemed so depressed, I didn’t dare upset him. I just talked to him, sort of. Conversation was painfully slow. We didn’t hang out, he didn’t randomly show up with a bunch of flowers and some chocolates anymore - he didn’t even show up. I lost track of how many times I invited him over, and wouldn’t get an answer back. Even in person he’d just grunt neutrally and text me saying “sorry” later on. Sorry for what? Why was he being like this?

  I managed to bring up Bitch Face with him, once. To his credit, he looked guilty... which was the most emotion he’d shown towards me in weeks. But then he went back to glum Olan, told me to get off his back, then walked off. I didn’t bring her up again.

  After a while everything started to pick up, and he wasn’t getting spotted with Bitch Face anymore - but still nothing really interesting happened. Maybe he stayed over for a little longer than he normally did, like he actually wanted to be there. Maybe he sat a little closer to me, actually started conversations with me or hugged me because he’d started it for a change. But that was just halfway back to how we’d been before he stopped texting. We were back to friendship, and I kinda assumed he’d just keep building back to being my boyfriend slowly. Which was why I was so surprised when he suggested going on holiday.

  It was completely out of the blue. Literally a "hey, let's go to Spain for two weeks!" from fucking nowhere, face-to-face too. If I'd had some warning, I could have got my brain together and thought of an excuse not to go. It'd be painfully awkward. But he actually looked excited, happy for once... it shocked me. I couldn't think. So I said yes.

  And everything exploded.

  It was actually pretty fun, flying over with him. He seemed like the old Olan, the guy I’d agreed to go on a date with even though we’d barely talked. He joked with me, and we giggled together, and we cuddled a little bit. He even started playing with my hair like he used to when I leaned my head on his chest, that dark, brooding look on his face. Gorgeous - once I’d made sure he wasn’t actually feeling bad.

  The hotel was 4-star, quite posh, and there was a beach less than a minute’s walk away, and it was perfect. So perfect I didn’t mention the double bed in our room. The only bed. This was going to be interesting...

  We were in that hotel bed, about a week into the holiday, when he started to speak. Well. I was perched awkwardly on the end, and he was way too close for comfort. Damn. I thought he’d stopped liking me, for god’s sake.

  "Maddy?" he asked quietly, tucking my hair behind my ear. Ugh. He was so confusing. I sighed, rolling over - and jumped at his closeness. Our noses were almost touching.

  "Uh...?" I managed to stutter. He laughed.

  "Same here. How are you feeling?" he asked. I shrugged.

  "Tired." I hinted. He smiled.

  "Yeah, me too. But I needed to talk to you... if that's okay?" he asked sweetly. I smiled awkwardly, nodding and turning to him properly. And then his arms were around my waist, holding me to him, and his cool breath was gently blowing onto my lips. I gulped. "Why did we just... stop?" he asked. I shrugged, awkward as always. I didn't know, did I? He'd been the one to- okay, if I went down that lane, I'd cry in front of him. I tried to pull away and give myself some space, but his grasp was too strong. "Maddy, please. What did I do wrong?" he asked. I sighed.

  "It's... hard to explain." I tutted, trying to act casual and get away at the same time. He frowned.

  "You really think that'll put me off? What did I tell you all those months ago? You're important." he reminded me. I bit my lip and stared at the floor. “God, Maddy, you have no idea how much I care for you. You’re my best friend and my girlfriend-“ he started, but I cut him off.

  “Ex-girlfriend.” I spat. He frowned.

  “W-what? Since when?” he sniffed.

  “Since we didn’t talk for a month and you snogged my boss.” I replied icily, clenching and unclenching my fists under the duvet. Damn it. Why did he have to keep reminding me like that?

  “I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted to talk.” he muttered, avoiding talking about Bitch Face completely. I glared at the ceiling.

  “I called you almost every day. Do you know how pathetic and needy I felt? How fucking stupid I felt?” I grimaced. Silence, and that blank stare. “Yes, I wanted to talk.” I muttered, trying to roll over again - but he tugged me back.

  “Maddy. I need to look you in the eye when I talk like this.” he sighed. I kept my face blank as I waited for him to go on. “Look. You’ve become a huge part of my life. I know I didn’t talk to you for ages, but that’s because... I had my reasons, alright?” he explained vaguely. I scoffed. Sure. Like he knew I was the clingiest idiot in the world.

  “Maddy, what I’m trying to say is... I love you.”

  Suddenly, my world felt fuzzy. I felt kinda floaty, somehow. It was peaceful. I liked it. But of course, reality broke through. Why would he ignore me for so long if he loved me? Why would he just not answer my calls? And, most importantly... if he loved me, why would he wait until we were in a hotel bed in a foreign country to tell me? My cheeks flushed angrily. Sneaky bastard. What, had he not been laid enough this month and had to resort to the annoying bitch he used to date? Ugh.

  “No.” I replied simply. He froze.

  “Uh... what?” he asked nervously. I glared.

  “No, you don’t. You’re just trying to get some.” I accused, watching his expression turn horrified.

  “What?! No, Maddy, I wouldn’t! I couldn’t! I’ve... I’ve fallen in love with you!” he protested. I rolled my eyes, trying to get out of bed - but he grabbed my stomach to pull me back. I freaked out. Majorly.

  “Get your fucking hands off me. I don’t want anything to do with you.” I spat harshly. He gasped, starting to sniffle. I didn’t feel sorry for him. Why would I? He’d tried to use me. Cheeky fucker.

  “But... why?” he sobbed, clinging to my shirt. I detached him as quickly as I could, ignoring the fact that I wanted to hug him. Those thoughts weren’t helping.

  “You told me you loved me just to try and get laid. That’s... despicable.” I grunted, still trying to get up. He’d caught my leg between his and just wouldn’t let go...

  “No! I love you!” he whimpered, trying to hold me again. I shoved him away fiercely. I wouldn’t let myself fall for this. Not again.

  “Stop! If you love me, why did you stop calling? Why did I have to scramble for conversation for so long? Why did you ignore me, Olan? It hurt...” I choked, feeling the tears well up but refusing to let them overflow. He didn’t deserve to see me cry. Bastard.

  “Maddy, baby. Please understand. I was scared. I’ve never felt anything like this before, these... emotions, they’re new. I didn’t know what to do. I’m still not quite sure. But I’m ready to find out what happens with you. All I know is that I love you, and I want to be with you, and that’s why I asked you here. There’s always someone around wherever we go. I wanted somewhere more private - and nowhere is more private than a hotel room.” he explained. I grimaced. There was a reason hotel rooms were so private, and he was still holding my stomach.

  “Olan... get off.” I threatened quietly. He shook his head, sniffing.

  “Please, Maddy. You’re my life now.” he begged dramatically. I rolled my eyes.

  “You survived without your life for two whole months.” I spat through gritted teeth. Why had he cut me off? Was I not good enough? “You can survive without it until you die for all I care.” I snarled, ripping myself from his grasp and getting up to pack. I could get the next plane home, and then try and forget about him. Maybe. It wouldn’t work, but whatever.

  But he grabbed me, spinning me around by my arm. I nearly punched him.

  “Maddy, I love you more than anything. Please.” he sobbed. I gritted my teeth, trying to get him off. But then he said it. “Don’t push me away. I... I can’t take it anymore.” he whimpered, collapsing in a heap on the floor and clinging to my legs. I sighed. He’d been pushed away? By who? I’d barely pushed him away at all since I’d met him, in fact I’d done the opposite. I hated whoever had hurt him. But that meant I hated myself...

  “Why did you bring me here?” I asked gently, sitting on the floor with him. He looked up at me with those big, startled eyes... I melted, pulling him into a hug and letting him cry for a little.

  “B-Because I know you love travelling and I wanted to make you happy, okay? Is that so bad? And now we’re here, I just want to hold you forever. Please, Maddy. Stay with me. Let me love you.” he pleaded, snuffling cutely in my ear. I smiled.

  “What, here?” I joked. He pulled away, blinking.

  “Uh... what?” he asked. I laughed.

  “Bow chicka wow wow.” I teased, smiling as he grinned and kissed me.

  We didn’t have sex, obviously. Well. Not straight away. Oh, come on! He was gorgeous, and he wanted me, and I... I loved him. I was legal, and so was he, and there was no reason for us not to do it. I felt ready, and relaxed, and happy. So when we finally moved and got back into bed, neither of us settled. I could tell he was building up the courage to ask, and I realized I didn’t mind. In fact, I was kinda excited. I mean, you don’t lose your virginity to an amazing guy every day, right?

  "My Madeline?" he called sweetly and annoyingly. I headbutted the pillow in frustration, turning over grudgingly.

  "What?" I asked sulkily. He smiled.

  "Would you object if I wanted to say I loved you AND get some?" he smirked. I did a stupid little nervous laugh, and so did he. He looked so cute when he laughed, all dimples and fluffy hair...

  "Not at all." I grinned back, starting to realise that this was a bit more than fooling around but not really caring.

  "Hmm..." he replied, and then the awkward silence descended. I took the opportunity to think for a bit.

  Okay, I'd pretty much wanted to jump him from the moment we met: but that was just wishful thinking. Now that we were in a hotel room and he'd actually asked me, I'd started to get... well, not cold feet exactly, but uneasy. Scared. I knew he wouldn't hurt me - but actually losing my virginity to someone, no matter how kind and hot he was, was kinda freaking terrifying.

  But how could I say no to that face?

  "So. We doing this?" he asked quietly. I took a deep breath and nodded, smiling as normally as I could.

  "Sure." I replied casually, sitting up and leaning forward to kiss him. He sat up too, so we were both kneeling on the bed, and cupped my face gently as we kissed.  I ran my hands through his hair carefully, trying not to shake. Uh-oh.

  The kiss started to deepen, and I tried my best to forget all my frightened thoughts. This was nice, right? I was kissing Olan, just like I always did, just... just a little more intensely, that's all. I experimented a little and nibbled at the corner of his mouth, almost surprised at myself when he moaned.

  "Oh, Maddy... I love you, baby." he murmured cutely. I smiled to myself.

  "I love you too, Olan." I whispered, pushing him down onto the bed slowly and inching on top of him. He grinned as his hands slid down my body, and I wondered if he could feel my heart hammering as he pulled off my shirt - leaving me stark naked except for my pants.

  I resisted the urge to cover up as his fingers went to the small of my back, casually trailing up and around to my boobs as he smirked up at me. His fingers seemed to leave strange icy-warm prints on my skin, I'd somehow ended up straddling him... this was really happening, wasn't it?

  I gasped as he suddenly leaned forward and sucked my nipple into his mouth, nearly collapsing onto him. Ohcrapohcrapohcrap. Fuck, it felt good. I'd never really expected any of this to happen - not with Olan, not with anyone to be honest. But there I was, nearly having sex, with a guy, who was cute. I felt both epic and absolutely shit scared.

  I kept making embarrassing little noises as he pleased me, grunting and whimpering uncontrollably. I tried to stop, honestly... but I couldn't. He was just too good. Every single little thing he did felt like it was hardwired to my brain, my heart, and my dampening pussy. I was shaking already, and not just from fear by then. My groans were starting to sound like an annoying pornstar.

  "Feel good, baby?" he murmured. I squeaked a little as he casually reached up and pinched my other nipple, nodding and starting to pant heavily. He giggled cutely - which sounded wrong, seeing as he was being so freaking manly and amazing as he did it - and picked me up a little, taking me off his lap and setting me down on my back, sprawled on the bed. “Shh, shh shh. It’s okay, baby. Just relax...” he whispered into my throat, his breath fiery against my skin and his fingers tracing patterns on my sides. I whimpered, already starting to lose control. It kinda scared me.

  “O-Olan... please. Be gentle.” I begged. He moaned into my neck, kissing and biting it gently. “Olan...” I squeaked.

  “It’s all okay, baby.” he murmured. I nodded slowly, letting him slowly remove my pants - and then there was a finger inside me.

  I nearly screamed, jerking in shock and pleasure-pain as he gasped.

  “Oh my god... Maddy. You’re so tight...” he wondered. I winced.

  “No shit, Sherlock! I said be gentle!” I yelled, taking deep breaths as he immediately backed off.

  “Maddy, are you... are you a virgin?!” he realized. I nodded slowly, my eyes wide with sarcasm. He gasped again, getting off me and sitting on his knees between my naked legs. I sat up with him, panting... and I could tell he was having second thoughts. It kinda annoyed me, and I didn’t want him to just go back to being off with me again because I didn’t go all the way with him - and suddenly I was pulling his shirt off.

  It shocked even me, to be honest. I hadn’t expected to be like that. I’d expected to just get scared and possibly scream and lie there, not take control. But there I was, tugging his shirt off and tracing his abs with my fingers and kissing him harder than I’d ever kissed anyone, all teeth and tongue and passion. He groaned in surprise, and I ignored him. I was suddenly hornier than I’d ever been, pushing him backwards and straddling him and tugging his boxers off as quickly as I could.

  “M-Maddy.” he whimpered. I hummed, kissing down his chest and finally ending up with my mouth in his lap. Well. In his crotch, seeing as I’d taken his boxers off. He was absolutely freaking huge.

  “Yeah, baby?” I asked, kissing just the tip of his head and slowly licking. He gasped and groaned, tipping his head back and thrusting helplessly. It was... actually pretty fun. I liked seeing him writhing underneath me. It gave me confidence, even if I had no idea what I was doing.

  I grunted unhappily as he pulled me away, grabbing me and sitting me on his lap so his semi was between my ass cheeks, rocking me gently back and forth and pushing on me so it just gently rubbed against both my holes at the same time. It felt amazing - but it must have felt better for him, because he was hard as hell in no time at all. I kissed him hard, and he stiffened even more, breaking away with a groan and tipping me onto the bed again.

  I immediately tensed and shuddered with pleasure as he started to kiss my inner thighs, gently brushing his top lip against my clit before moving down and licking around my hole, the circles around it getting smaller and smaller. It was immense. I swore I could see stars as he gently and slowly took a deep breath, looked up at me cutely - and pushed his tongue inside.

  “Oh my god! O-O-Olan!” I yelled, grabbing his head and automatically holding him closer. He grunted as he started to tongue me, every movement making me jerk my hips and scream. Oh god. Oh god... it just felt so good. I’d never imagined anything like this. Never. Me admiring him when he’d first walked up to me - that had just been me being dirty-minded. I’d never thought it’d actually happen... I’d never thought he’d actually end up sleeping with me someday.

  I was dragged out of my train of thought by him finding my g-spot, focusing on it and making me screech involuntarily. My legs kept kicking out, my hands were curling into fists in his hair - and then he started rubbing my clit. My eyes shot open as I felt it coming.

  “OLAN! FUCK!” I yelled as he made me cum, collapsing backwards on the bed as I spasmed and screamed on the covers. I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling, panting and gasping and losing myself in bliss... and then his face came into view. His lips were shiny with my juices.

  I launched myself upwards and grabbed his face, yanking him down to my level and licking all around his mouth, grunting and pushing my hips up into him as he got between my legs.

  “Ready, baby?” he asked. I groaned.

  “Yes, baby, yes!” I begged, digging my fingers into his shoulders as he grinned cheekily and slowly pushed apart my lips. His head carefully slipped inside me, making me hiss and whimper in pain - but it actually wasn’t that bad. Seeing his face, his gorgeous face all sweaty and screwed up in total, utter bliss just... god. I had a feeling we’d be sleeping with each other a lot.

  He rested for a minute or so once he was a few inches inside me... and when the pain ended, all I could think of was how badly I wanted more inside me.  How badly I wanted him to find my g-spot again and let me know it, fuck me hard and fast and ruthless. My bad Olan. I was desperate for him... and then it happened.

  He started moving gently, rocking his hips a little. I moaned, tossing my head from side to side. It was so strange, feeling him throbbing inside me. Alien, but totally right. And then he started going faster.

  “Oh god, Maddy...” he whispered, resting his forehead on my collarbone and grunting, whimpering softly when I started rocking my hips against his.

  “Please, baby, faster. Harder.” I pleaded - and he did just that. Then went harder. Then harder. Until the room was a blur of lips and sex and loud groaning and raw passion, just us two, forever. I could barely see I was so swept up in my bliss. And then it happened.

  I came.

  “Olan! Oh-OOLAN!” I screamed, raking my fingernails up his back as I orgasmed. He froze for a second, then pulled out and started to cum all over me. It turned me on so much, it propelled me upwards and made me suck him into my mouth, letting him spurt into my throat. A laughing moan escaped his mouth as he finished, and I watched him collapse on the bed as I swallowed.

  I grinned and huddled down next to him, letting him wrap his arms around me and snuggling into his shoulder. Oh wow. I’d just lost my virginity, to the best guy on the planet.

  “We really should do that more often...” he murmured in my ear, making me laugh one last time before gently kissing my forehead and settling down to sleep. I lay awake for a few minutes, thinking over everything - but it wasn’t long before I passed out, grinning even in my sleep.

  That was eventful.

  ~

  Needless to say, I ached in the morning, but it was such a good ache. I wanted to feel it every day - and I did, for the rest of that holiday. We didn’t really get much done...

  Still. We went home. Months passed. He helped me set up a YouTube channel, and it actually got kinda popular. My whole life changed for the better - and we made love pretty much every chance we got, exploring and experimenting and falling even more in love with each other. Everything was perfect.

  Or so I thought.

  It got to ten months. Ten whole months since we got together. He went on a few business trips, but he always came back and gave me a huge hug and kissed me, told me how much he missed me... carried me to the bedroom. I was in love with it. I was in love with him.

  And then it all blew up in my face.

  We were in bed, we hadn’t even been doing anything dirty that night... we were about to. What? He was irresistible to me, okay? But then I slid into bed with him, and we were both tired, so we called it a night. It wasn’t anything unusual - we always tired each other out - so I didn’t worry. I should have. Because just as I started to drop off, I decided to say it, didn’t I?

  “I love you.” I whispered in the gloom. He sighed happily, snuggling up to me contentedly and nuzzling his face in my hair.

  “I love you, Tills...” he murmured. I blinked awake, laughing nervously as I wondered if I’d dreamed that.

  “Uh... what?” I asked timidly, hoping with all my heart that it was a joke - but his eyes shot open and his hands clenched into fists, his whole body tensing. He looked at me in complete shock, his expression gutted. I knew this wasn’t something fake. This was the real deal.

  He’d tried to tell some other girl he loved her.

  1 week later

  “Hello Internet. I kinda have to explain something to you. Me and m’lady... well, she’s not m’lady anymore. We broke up. And it was all my fault, and I’ve never been angrier with myself...”

  I just kept replaying the start of that video, tears streaming down my face as I huddled on my couch wrapped in a duvet. I hated the fact that all this was happening. That it’d actually happened. That we’d split up, left each other, that he’d cheated. It felt wrong. It wasn’t how it was supposed to go... but it’d happened anyway, leaving me lost.

  I sighed, wiping my eyes and letting the rest of the video play. It felt so stupid, to just sit there and watch him get on with his job without having seen it from the sidelines or even being able to laugh at it. He wasn’t aiming for laughs, was he? He was aiming for pity, and making me sound like I’d overreacted - and the worst part was, he wasn’t even meaning to. I could see him trying to describe both sides of the story... but to him, I’d been the one in the wrong, even though I’d had nothing to do with why we broke up. Which might have been why he hadn’t talked about that at all.

  I slowly got up as the video ended, shuffling to my room and pulling some pants on. I sat in the kitchen chair and glumly munching tasteless cereal. To be honest, I really didn’t want to do this - but what else could I have done? Just sat there and watched while he inadvertently slagged me off, changed what people thought about me, acted like there was no reason for me to leave? There was every reason! He was lucky I hadn’t smashed his head in.

  I hastily shoved some foundation on my face to hide the tear tracks, slapped myself in the face until there was some colour back in my cheeks, and finally sat down in front of the camera. This was going to be tough.

  “Hey. So... yeah. You probably all know why I’m making this. I know Olan made a video about this, but I don’t feel like he completely explained like... everything... so I guess I should do that for him. It’s probably gonna sound like I’m being a shit stirrer for parts of it, but hey, I don’t mean to be. I’m just gonna say what happened, okay? And then you can leave me be for a while.” I started, unable to be nice, even to a camera. I didn’t feel like it.

  “Okay, so me and him broke up. About a week ago now. And you all thought we had already, since like a week before we actually did... this isn’t gonna make any sense, is it? I’m gonna have to edit so much - but anyway. We hadn’t really talked to each other for a while, when you started thinking we’d broken up. He seemed really awkward around me, and almost guilty, but I tried to ignore it. We only really spoke when we had to. It wasn’t exactly the nicest, and I guess I prepared myself for, y’know, the end.” I tailed off, swallowing the lump in my throat.

  “But then we picked back up again. It was the end of that week, the day before we actually split, and he suddenly burst in while I was editing and apologized. We hugged and I told him not to be stupid and everything, just cuddled for a bit. So obviously, I stopped preparing myself. I thought we’d be fine. And then... well, it all fell apart, didn’t it?” I smiled weakly, sniffing pathetically and pulling a face at myself.

  “We were fine that night. And the day after. We just seemed to be getting better, our relationship was healing again... and then, well. He... I... oh god.” I whispered, wiping my leaking eyes self-consciously. “Shut up, Maddy.” I muttered to myself, biting the insides of my cheeks. I didn’t want to look like I was trying to act vulnerable.

  “I haven’t said it out loud yet, okay? I don’t want to... but...” I whimpered, clenching my hands into fists and biting the inside of my lip hard. “He was... look, we got into bed that next night, and we were both falling asleep, and I actually felt pretty happy, and we were both tired... and he slipped up, I guess. He said “I love you”... to a girl called “Tills”. And I just kinda laughed a bit, thinking I’d misheard or it was a joke... but he looked at me and his eyes were so guilty and-” I cut off suddenly, gasping for air and biting back sobs. Damnit, Olan. Why had he done it?

  “And I knew it was real. That there really was a girl called Tills. And, and then I asked if there was and he nodded and explained everything. He... well, basically, he cheated on me. Wh-whenever there was a YouTube meeting, down in the offices, the-there was a receptionist, an, and her name was Tilly...” I gasped, turning the camera off for a second and having a little private breakdown. I just couldn’t stop remembering the look in his eyes as he described her, ashamed but still a tiny bit in awe of her, even then. It was obvious he loved her more. He’d never looked like that when he’d described me.

  I cleared my throat as I turned the camera back on, mumbling a “sorry” and carrying on with everything. About how he’d sighed at the end, apologized. How I hadn’t known what to say, how my mind had just frozen up and I’d stared blankly. And how he’d told me to go. I winced as I remembered it all - and suddenly I was back in the moment.

  ~

  He couldn’t look at me as he said it. I was so shocked he’d said it at all. But he had, and it crushed me, and I just wanted to curl up and die. Just... why?

  “You... you want me to leave?” I whispered hoarsely. He nodded, staring at the sheets awkwardly.

  “I just think it’s for the best, Maddy. I’ll pay for a hotel, if you want...?” he asked. I sniffed.

  “I don’t want that.” I pointed out, my voice breaking. He frowned deeply, the seriousness so out of place on his childish face.

  “Please, Maddy. Leave. It’s not good for you, sticking around. It’ll be better for us both if you stay away from me.” he replied, his voice hollow. I sniffed.

  “Do you love her?” I asked. He scowled at nothing, shrugging.

  “I don’t know, do I? I just fucked her a few times.” he muttered. I closed my eyes, trying to un-realize what I just had.

  “And you’d give the same answer if I asked if you love me.” I mumbled. He didn’t even try and deny it. He just stared into space, picking at his fingernails.

  “Maybe.” he replied after a while, and I choked. He sighed. “Look, I don’t want to upset you-” he started. I laughed despite myself, my eyes flooding with tears until the world went blurry.

  “Should’ve thought of that before you cheated on me.” I grimaced. He sighed.

  “Maddy, I... oh god. I shouldn’t say this, but... technically, I’ve been seeing her longer than you.” he admitted. I made a stupid little noise, clamping a hand over my mouth to stop myself from whimpering. What? “I... please don’t be upset, baby. I just, before I met you, I was so depressed, I couldn’t even think straight half of the time. And then, then she was a receptionist at the YouTube offices, an-and she came onto me... she was a slut, really. I knew she’d slept with half the guys on YouTube, but I didn’t care... because it was a different city and no-one knew me there and I hadn’t gotten laid for months. She was never there when I woke up, but I didn’t mind. It was sex. And then I met you, and you showed me how amazing everything could be, and... baby, please. I’m sorry.” he sobbed, showing some actual emotion for the first time. I screwed my face up, punching the bedpost in my anger.

  “Don’t call me baby, Olan. Just tell me what happened so I can get out of here.” I muttered, painfully aware of how much my heart hurt. He sighed, wiping his eyes and sniffling pitifully - and it only made me ache even more.

  “I met you. I-I loved you. And when I realized that, I told you every day, every chance I could get, because it didn’t seem real to me if you didn’t say it back. But Maddy, I... I’m sorry, but I was still scared. I knew how stupid it was, but I didn’t want to get my heart broken, and I didn’t know how to deal with all my emotions, and then... well. Then I had another business trip, didn’t I?” he choked. I didn’t say anything. What could I have said? I just wanted this to have never happened.

  “I was so scared.” he whimpered. I scoffed angrily, and his eyes grew wide. “No, I promise I was! I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to cheat. I was so determined... and y’know what, I got through it that first time. I barely looked at her, kept myself staring at the floor the whole time she was around. I came home and I picked you up and spun you around and I was so happy. I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. I was glad I didn’t have anything to be guilty for.” he tailed off, but I ignored him as best I could. Why was he making everything so complicated? If he’d just told me about sleeping with her, I could’ve been disgusted and walked out and tried to forget. But he’d made everything uncertain.

  “But it made me cocky. I thought it’d be easy the next time, I looked her straight in the eye when I walked in... I’m such an idiot. Everyone went to a club that night, and I tagged along... but so did she. And she walked over, and she drank with me, and... well. Everyone always leaves me out on those trips anyway, and I was already pretty drunk. I felt included, and I didn’t tell her to go away. I didn’t object when she slid closer. And th-then she... she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bathroom...” he sniffed, hyperventilating. I winced, hanging my head. Crap. I shouldn’t have felt bad for him, but I did.

  “I swear, Maddy, baby, I’ve never felt more filthy. But it was quick, I guess. She just fucked me and walked out, and... I don’t know. Maybe I kinda liked it being like that. No strings attached, y’know? It made me feel confident, I guess, like I could really be with you... even though I’d just cheated.” he finished quietly. I took a deep breath to calm myself.

  “So that’s it? You didn’t even feel bad?” I asked, trying to stop snivelling. He gasped.

  “Maddy! Of course I did! It was just the buzz, and being drunk that night... as soon as I woke up the next morning I felt sick. I couldn’t believe I’d failed you, I was sure you’d know somehow when I got back... but you didn’t. You were as happy to see me as always, and I was ecstatic to see you - but it just always seemed to be in the back of my mind. I couldn’t get away from it. And that made me scared you’d find out, and then I got scared about what if you didn’t find out and the future and having to live with it forever, and then when I went back to the offices a few months later... well, I was pretty much a nervous wreck, right? And she was there again, and I was still stupid, so we did it again. I’m sorry.” he apologized... but I was too angry.

  “Y’know what? No. You did fail me. I can’t forgive you for this, Olan.” I replied, trying my best to keep my voice level.

  “Baby, please... please...” he whispered over and over, rocking slightly. I swear he was making himself look pathetic to try and get me back, and that made me angry.

  “No! Maybe I could’ve done... but Olan, five minutes ago you told me to leave! You wanted us to end!” I accused him. He gasped.

  “No! Baby, I was just thinking of what’s best for you...” he protested, sniffling like I’d punched him. God knows I wanted to right then.

  “Don’t act like a martyr, Olan, it doesn’t suit you. You wanted to break up with me. Why? So you could go fuck her again?!” I yelled in a fit of anger.

  “I...” he stuttered - but that was it. He didn’t even say no. My heart dropped into my stomach.

  “Is that a yes?” I asked, appalled. He stayed quiet. “Oh my god, I never thought even you’d stoop that low. You disgust me.” I spat, getting up and pulling my jeans on, grabbing my coat and heading for the door.

  “Maddy... sweetheart, please. Come here.” he begged, opening his arms for a hug. I curled my lip, and he stood up, making me back away. “Maddy. Come here.” he repeated, an edge to his voice. I shuddered, turning and going to open the door - but he suddenly grabbed me, throwing me on the bed. I cried out, and he shushed me. “Don’t leave, baby. Come on. Don’t you remember how good we were together? How much fun we had?” he murmured, too close, too smothering. I panicked, flailing and trying to yell - but he clamped a hand over my mouth. I had no choice. I scrunched my eyes shut and bit his hand hard, making sure my foot connected with his balls at the same time. He yelped, doubling over and collapsing in a ball on the floor. I got up and ran to the door, shaking and crying helplessly.

  “Maddy!” he yelled, grabbing my foot. I screeched, kicking at him and ending up falling over, curling up in the corner and sobbing. He let go of me, and there was silence except for my noisy wails.

  “I’m sorry.” I suddenly heard a few minutes later, opening my eyes and turning my head to see him stood up, staring at me with a horrified expression on his face. “Oh god, Maddy... I’m so sorry.” he cried pitifully, but I ignored him as I got up and sprinted out of the door. This was it.

  Game over.

  ~

  I sniffed as I finished remembering, realizing I’d been staring into space on camera for ten minutes and deciding to leave the video. I needed to sort out what I was going to say first - I mean, I could hardly tell them about their cuddly Olan attacking me, could I? I didn’t want to ruin his reputation. All I wanted was for people to know the truth.

  A week or so later, I managed to struggle through getting enough shots to edit together a kinda happy version of me telling them the basics. It was hell. He was uploading videos even more often than he had been before, seeming perfectly happy and fine... like I didn’t exist to him anymore. The thought made me cringe. I didn’t want to get hung up on him if he didn’t care about me. It was pathetic. He’d probably gone to see that other bitch already.

  Apparently not. The same day I posted that video, he texted me. Asked if we could meet up somewhere and talk. I really, really didn’t want to go - but I kinda wanted to see how he was holding up away from a camera, and I wanted to know the full story, I guess. If he’d seen her since we broke up. A proper answer to my “do you love her?” question. And if he said no... why had he said it to me by mistake? Was he really that used to it by then? Basically, I wanted to find out what had really happened.

  So I turned up at a stupid little café, and I waited for him and sat at a table outside, and I was actually kinda calm - until he showed up. With a girl on his arm.

  My heart stopped, and I shot him the most angry glare I could do. He smiled nervously, shuffling forwards awkwardly. I tilted my head as she started walking ahead of him, eager to get to me... was this her idea? Oh my god, I’d rip her to shreds. She was such a fucking slag, mini-skirt and high heels and hair extensions and all. She made me sick.

  “Uh, Maddy, this is... uh... this is Tilly.” Olan introduced awkwardly as they reached me. She smiled brightly at me, and I managed a brittle one back. Stupid bitch.

  “Hello!” she grinned at me, going to shake my hand. I stared at it, trying to stop myself looking at her in disdain - and failing. My lip had been curled since I’d first seen her. Her hand dropped slowly, and she sat down opposite me, forcing Olan to go get a chair. And then it was really awkward.

  No-one said anything. At all. We just sat there, and me and Tilly stared at each other, and Olan watched nervously. We only moved when a waiter brought me my Coke, acting like this was normal for a second, then carried on staring at each other. I hated her. I hated her so much, I wanted to stand up and smash her stupid head into the table and drown her in her stupid Martini and throw her stupid face under a bus. She’d destroyed my life. I didn’t function properly since Olan left, I felt so useless. And she’d just waltzed in and waved them under my nose, and I was going to murder her for it.

  “Was this your idea?” I asked Olan, tired of being quiet. Surprise surprise, he shook his head... I scoffed. “Right. So this is how it’s gonna be, is it? Me and her staring at each other while you watch, and then you decide it’s time to go? So I’m not gonna find out what I want to find out, and I’m not gonna get a second alone with you, because this bitch can’t mind her own business?” I spat. He drooped, staring at the table, and I tutted.

  “You can talk to him if you want. I won’t judge you for anything... Maddy.” she smiled, sickly sweet. I sniffed, begging myself not to cry in front of her.

  “Shouldn’t you go get another Martini?” I snapped, almost laughing as she bristled. What was she gonna do? Make-up me to death?

  “It’s not my fault you’re a child.” she hissed, looking around. I actually barked a laugh, past caring about making a scene.

  “It’s not my fault you’re a slut.” I replied, trying to mimic her stupid smile. She gasped.

  “You don’t know anything about me!” she yelled, standing up. I smiled for real this time, shaking my head.

  “No honey, no I don’t. But those aren’t my words.” I said, mock sadness on my face as I emphatically looked at Olan. His eyes widened and his head shot up to stare at me, a “why the fuck would you do that” look on his face. I gave him a cool stare, only interrupted when Tilly grabbed me by my shirt collar and tried to pull me over the table. I barely had to resist to keep myself on the floor, but she still acted like I was petrified.

  “Listen here, you bitch. It’s not my fault that your boyfriend didn’t love you. It’s not my fault he never did. It’s not my fault he looked for someone else... and y’know what? I can see why. You’re an ugly cow. Why don’t you just go die?” she spat, dropping me. I landed on my feet, just standing there with my fists curled. That was cause to punch her, right? Just once? Just to knock her out... and then I could throw her off a bridge and be done with it all.

  “Tilly. Stop.” Olan ordered, an edge to his voice. She stared at him, starting to argue - but he cut her off. “Tilly. I said, stop.” he repeated. She huffed, sitting back down again. I was already sat, playing with my phone nonchalantly. It buzzed in my hand, and I jumped.

  How are you? Hope you’re okay, man :) What’s he said? the text read. I smiled to myself. Kiera, my old Tumblr friend.

  He’s brought the slut, and everyone’s just staring at each other... it’s annoying, I replied, sounding so much stronger than I felt. She replied almost straight away.

  ...omfg punch her

  I giggled despite myself, barely glancing up when Olan nudged me with his foot under the table. I wasn’t in the mood to be nice.

  I’m waiting for the right moment... I replied, shoving my phone back in my pocket and getting my headphones from the other one. Olan just carried on staring at his hands, but Tilly looked outraged.

   “And what do you think you’re doing?” she asked. I raised an eyebrow.

  “Well no-one’s speaking, are they? I can stare with headphones in.” I replied icily, shoving them in and pretending to turn music on. They immediately changed... Olan sat up a little straighter, sniffing and resting his chin in his palm. Tilly managed to look even more smug, somehow... ugh.

  “Oh my god Olan, she’s a mess. I mean, look at her. Why did you even get with her in the first place? I can’t think what you’d see in her...” she whined. He rolled his eyes.

  “A little common decency, maybe?” he snapped, and my heartbeat picked up. What? Did he really not love her as much as she made out he did? It certainly didn’t look like it as she scoffed, muttering something about going to the bathroom and walking away. I took my headphones out, watching him look up at me.

  “Whaddya wanna know?” he asked sadly. I frowned.

  “Uh, if you didn’t know if you loved her, how come you accidentally let it slip to me?” I asked, getting on with things like he had. He sighed.

  “Look, I didn’t mean to. I just got confused.” he replied. I arched an eyebrow sceptically.

  “You got confused?” I asked. He nodded. “So you’d never said that before?” I pushed. He shook his head slowly, and I could see the guilt in his eyes. I didn’t even have to say anything. He took one look at my unimpressed face and told me everything.

  “Okay, okay. Once. We were... well, I guess you know what we were doing. I was caught up in the moment, and she asked me to say it... so I did. I’m sorry.” he muttered. I nodded, making a “hmm” sound. There was silence for a few seconds, but I couldn’t hold what I’d wanted to say to him since I saw her back for too long.

  “You brought her? Just... really?” I hissed. He sighed.

  “I already told you, it wasn’t my idea.” he replied wearily. I tutted.

  “You’re a grown man. You can say no to a bimbo.” I asked. He looked ashamed, and I stared. “Really? What are you gonna do for the rest of your life, Olan? Are you gonna get bossed around by the biggest slut this side of New York?” I asked. He shook his head.

  “No, no I’m not. Because I’m not gonna be with her anymore.” he muttered, but he didn’t seem convinced with himself. I sighed.

  “So what. You’ll find someone else?” I asked. He shook his head. “You’re gonna stay alone forever?” I sighed, humouring him. But he didn’t nod like I thought he would. He just looked up at me, tears suddenly in his eyes, a begging expression on his face. I froze.

  “No. No, Olan, I can’t.” I protested - but he grabbed my hand, and I couldn’t ignore how my heart started racing.

  “Of course you can. Please Maddy, please. Baby, I love you, I need you.” he whispered. I shook my head, sniffling myself. “Please. I came here to try and get you back, and if she hadn’t stuck her nose in, maybe I would’ve done already.” he begged. I sighed.

  “No, you wouldn’t have. I can’t trust you, Olan.” I pointed out miserably, sniffing again and wiping my eyes.

  “I’d never go near anyone else again. I hate her, she’s so fake and... god, Maddy, I can’t deal with this. I haven’t slept since we broke up. I can’t. You’re not there, you’re not smiling at me or hugging me or being my baby. I miss you too much. I can’t be myself without you around.” he sobbed. I shushed him as I saw Tilly come out of the bathroom in the café, but he ignored me, and she walked out to see him wailing into the table.

  “Olan! Baby, are you okay?” she screeched, almost falling over as she tottered over to comfort him - but he pushed her away.

  “Why do you always follow me around, Tilly?! I don’t love you!” he yelled. I glanced around, noticing pedestrians walking by and staring. Oh god.

  “Olan. Cool it. People are looking.” I whispered, grabbing his hand. He grunted, pushing me away and standing up.

  “I don’t care, Maddy! I love you, okay? I don’t care who knows it... and I don’t care who sees this.” he sniffed, grabbing me - and pressing his lips to mine.

  I hated myself for it, but I melted instantly. I’d missed it even more than I thought I had, the feeling of his soft, sweet lips sliding over mine, his strong arms encircling me. My heart was thumping against his, I couldn’t breathe properly - and then I got slapped.

  I broke away from Olan, gasping for breath as I watched Tilly throw herself at me. She ended up on top of me on the floor, shrieking and trying to punch me stupidly. I sighed, rolling her off me and grinning as Olan extended his hand to me. I took it, and he gave me a wet, sloppy kiss as I stood up. We both giggled and walked away, leaving Tilly on the floor, and went back home.

  It’s a perfect end to the story, isn’t it?

  If only it really had ended there.

  Olan POV

  Oh god, she was gorgeous.

  I hadn’t been expecting to meet anyone as nice as her on this tour. Or in my life, actually. I’d just turned up at a venue with all the other guys, and then the sound worker hadn’t shown up or something, and everyone started getting angry. It kinda confused me, so I backed off and started wandering around, talking to people and chatting and getting more and more bored with every step. And then I saw her.

  Not properly, but I could see her face peeking out above a huge desk on that platform thingy. Like a pedestal - she is like a goddess, after all. So I went to see who it was... best decision ever.

  I could hardly breathe when I first came face-to-face with her. She turned around as I said hey, and I couldn’t even think. She was glowing. Her bright red hair, her gorgeous eyes, those long legs. Just wonderful.

  And then she fell over.

  I grabbed her arm instinctively, and we introduced each other - sort of - before I noticed that the desk was actually a mixer thingy and she was the person we were waiting for. So I went to get the others, and they dismissed me as always... and seeing as she was beautiful and had to deal with that lot for another hour or so, I decided she deserved a coffee too. Except I didn’t know if she even liked coffee.

   So I had to go find a walking orange and ask it whether the sound girl liked coffee - which thankfully she did... although I got told a bunch of lies before I could escape the girl(?) that had been Tangoed - and then went to make one, hoping she liked it. She smiled at me in surprise as I gave it to her, and I grinned back, mouthing “I’ll tell you later”. She didn’t object and I felt pretty great... and then, when everyone else went downstairs, she smiled again and nodded at a chair next to me.

  Of course, I rushed over and sat in it eagerly. She seemed surprised, somehow... had she just been joking? I tried to suppress a blush, quickly saying hello to cover it up, and she started chatting with me. It was stupid , but I couldn’t stop grinning. Maybe it was being with those idiots on the tour for over a week, but I felt like less than nothing. They’d been knocking holes in my tiny self-esteem since I’d first gotten on the setlist.

  We talked for a while, me and this amazing girl. She thanked me for the coffee, we laughed about the walking orange - her boss, apparently - and then I got her name. Maddy.  It was such a cute name... and I made the mistake of saying so, which meant she smiled awkwardly and we stared at the floor for a while. Damnit. Why did I always make everything awkward? And then I got called away before I could make it better, and I felt like even more of a dork than I actually am as I smiled and walked away. But then she waved at me. I ignored how much of an idiot I’d probably look and blew her a kiss back - and she blushed. My heart skipped a beat as I grinned and turned away, running down the stairs and trying to avoid skipping in case she saw me.

  When I got to the others, they made me do what I’d already done before going to see Maddy... I didn’t want to talk to random strangers. I wanted to talk to her. Eventually, I made my way around to by the stairs - after passing the walking orange and having her stand way too close to me - and made sure no-one was watching before slipping back up to her. She smiled as she saw me, and I almost forgot my half-true excuse.

  “Do ya mind? Only everyone down there’s annoying me.” I smiled. She shook her head casually and let me sit down, and we kept talking... she told me about her job and some show she’d done the sound for, and I smiled and nodded. She seemed to come to life when she talked about that. It was amazing. But, all too soon, it was time to go. I sighed, getting up reluctantly and muttering a “see ya tomorrow”. The others were waiting for me on the bus, and I ignored their annoyed yells as I slouched to the back and collapsed on the seat. Jeez. They were acting like my parents.

  All the way to the hotel, I thought of her. It was weird and kinda creepy, but it was like she wouldn’t get out of my mind. We’d barely talked, and I only knew her name and job... I didn’t even know how old she was. But I liked her, I really did. She was just stunning, and the way she’d looked when she talked about that band - her eyes had lit up beautifully. It was so cute.

  I woke up the next day - thankfully without dreaming about her too... I could do with not feeling quite that creepy - and got dressed quickly, eager to see her again. Unfortunately, we weren’t scheduled to arrive back there until an hour or so before the show. Damnit. Well, I guess I’d just have to deal with it. Maybe I could talk to her after, if she was still there.

  People went on stage, I waited backstage nervously - and then it was my turn. I took a deep breath as I walked on, grinning as I saw Maddy peek over her soundmix thingy. Resisting the urge to wave and trying to focus on remembering the show, I tore my eyes away and started to be OlanRogers.

  Whenever I peeked up at Maddy, she was giggling or smiling at me over her desk. Once, she was even doubled over with laughter. She just looked so stellar... and what with the stage buzz, I had too much confidence. I ended up saying it, didn’t I?

  “Y'know, I met some girl yesterday. She was nice. Any of you guys know her?" I asked, not daring to look at her. "She had, uh, bright red hair. Seriously. Like that mermaid. Uh, Maddy, I think she was called? You know her?" I asked again, acting casual by pretending to only half-know her name. She caught my eye from her office thingy, waving shyly at me. I gave her a little wink, and she blushed.

  "Oh, there she is! Don't all stare, she hates... people." I laughed. She scowled, blushing deeper and smiling thinly at the whole crowd that was gawking at her. Oopsies.

  "Hey, so guys I was wondering... don't you think we make a cute couple?" I finally asked. Her expression went strangely blank, but I didn’t have time to be worried before the audience started screaming and cheering. I grinned to myself, hoping with everything that this would work. "So guys, seeing as me and you are such good friends, y'know, you're my wingman! Introduce us!" I demanded to keep the crowd participating instead of just using them as an excuse to call us a couple. Maddy  started hiding under the mixer, and everyone still cheered.

  "Really what I'm trying to say is - and she probably hates publicity so she'll murder me for this - guys, do you think we should go on a date?" I asked them. Everyone cheered, and when I looked up at Maddy nervously, she was nodding. I managed a grin. This was going better than I could’ve imagined.

  "So Maddy, whaddya say? All these people can't be wrong!" I teased. She bit her lip, somehow blushing even deeper - and nodded. My world went fuzzy. Oh my god, she’d said yes. I couldn’t have been more ecstatic as I gave her a lofty grin and a thumbs up.

  "You're as red as your hair." I commented, wondering if she’d tell me off for it later before carrying on with the show. Needless to say, there was a spring in my step for the rest of the set.

  I met her after the show - after the walking orange slagged her off and Maddy owned everything - and we went to KFC. It was great. She told me more about herself, how she’d moved to Boston after college to join the music business, found she had an ear for mixing sound, and ended up getting employed by one of the best music venues in the area.

  She smiled a lot, asked about me and my life. I told her a few stories that hadn’t made the set, watched her laugh at me and smiled with her. It went pretty well, actually. Especially when she gave me her number before I ran her home, telling me to give her a call sometime. I happily agreed, but I was slightly confused about where I stood. We’d been on a date... did that mean we were together? That was how it’d been with all my ex-girlfriends - but I’d known those girls before we dated. I’d only met Maddy the day before... but I felt a lot more strongly for her than I ever had for anyone else.

  I lay in bed that night, and I thought about her. How much fun she was to be around. How casual she was about being amazing. Way too good for me...

  I called her up the day after next, wanting another date with her to find out quite what our relationship was. And got her adorable voicemail.

  “Hey, it’s Maddy. I’m not in, so uh... leave a message, I guess?” she called chirpily. I smiled, secretly thrilled that a girl like that was my girlfriend. At least, I thought she was. That was why I was calling, after all...

  "Hey, it's me. Olan. How's stuff going back there?" I asked nervously. Had she just not bothered to pick up because it was me? Oh god, I didn’t want to annoy her... and then there was a familiar voice on the other end of the line.

  "Pretty good actually. How are you?" she asked. I giggled without a reason to, just happy to hear her talk to me.

  "You really hate people, huh? Sending even me to voicemail? That's grim." I teased, making her laugh. "I'm good, I guess. Tired. All this moving around, y'know? At least I get to sit down while doing it." I replied.

  "Lazy." she teased. I gasped, wondering what I’d do if we were face to face. Probably pick her up and spin her around and kiss her cheek softly. God, I missed her. But I’d hopefully see her soon...

  "How... how DARE you. I've never been so offended!" I exclaimed, huffing dramatically. She giggled like a kid, and it made me smile.

  "You didn't get the whole offensive thing about me last week, huh?" she asked. I giggled.

  "And you didn't get the whole lazy thing about me too. We're even." I joked. She huffed, and I could almost hear the eye roll.

  "Suuuure we are." she replied sarcastically, and I tutted at her.

  "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, y'know. I understand it's the only one you have, but..." I muttered, hoping to annoy her... what? She was adorable when she got annoyed.

  "Now who's offensive, cheeky?" she replied, mock shock in her voice. I giggled as I imagined her expression, wishing I could see it for real but pushing all those depressed thoughts to the back of my mind.

  "Hey, so I was wondering... last week was fun. Wanna do it again sometime?" I asked as nicely as I could. There was silence where I immediately prepared to take it all back and beg - but then she made me smile again. My emotions were starting to give me whiplash.

  "Sure!" she agreed eagerly. I blushed and laughed happily, ecstatic. Could she really like me that much?

  "Did you hear "tickets to Disneyland" or something?" I teased, secretly thrilled.

  "Uh... yeah. What did you really say?" she played along, making me chuckle.

  "What I asked, Miss Schaeks, is... would you like to go on a date with me again sometime in the near future?" he repeated, trying to make her laugh again.

  "Indeed." she replied in a funny voice. I smiled to myself at how odd it sounded in a Dutch accent.

  "Seriously, your accent..." I tailed off, sniggering. She sighed, annoyed... oops. I’d forgotten that she got annoyed when I mentioned that.

  "Anything else, or was that it? And how are we gonna go on a date when you're in San Diego or wherever and I'm in Chicago?" she asked.

  "I have my ways, Miss Schaeks. I'll see you on Saturday at 9... in the afternoon. And this time, it's... DINNER." I teased, playing up the dramatics. She giggled, and my heart soared.

  "See ya then, dude." she replied.

  "BYES!" I yelled, feeling hyper as she put the phone down.

  Well. Date two was going to happen.

  Result.

   Obviously, when she opened the door that Saturday, she was absolutely the prettiest girl I’d ever seen. Dressed in a cute little dress and leggings and Converses, totally showing me up in a shirt and trousers - well, I had just rushed from an early afternoon show to get back to her, after all. I couldn’t help smiling at how beautiful she looked, watching as she stared at the floor and I saw her smoky eyeshadow. Had she really put effort into looking perfect, or was she just casually amazing like she had been before? I wasn’t really sure anymore...

  “Well, hello there.” I smirked, opening my arms for a hug. She glared at me playfully and pretended to try and slap me, and I pouted at her until she gave in and threw herself into my arms. “You look amazing.” I told her. She smiled, going a very pale pink.

  “And you.” she replied, being far too nice to me. I stood there awkwardly as she looked me up and down, freezing as she zeroed in on my hair. Oh god. I hoped she didn’t notice. “Is that gel?” she asked. I bit my lip. Crap.

  “Maybe.” I mumbled, embarrassed. Thankfully, she grinned.

  “I like it! It suits you.” she smiled. I raised an eyebrow, biting back a grin. “But I like Scruffy Olan too.” she carried on, staring at the floor and playing with her hands. She looked so adorable. I smiled and hugged her again, kissing her cheek without thinking. She grinned brightly, blushing, and my heart soared as I realized I didn’t have to apologize for being natural with her. Thank god.

  We went to a restaurant, and she ordered some of my favourite foods - not that I did the same, I didn’t want her to think I was copying - and we talked even more. She fascinated me. When she opened up she was just... wow. Understandably, she didn’t do that too much, seeing as we’d only met a week or so beforehand, but I liked to think she was pretty relaxed with me. I was relaxed with her, after all.

  The date ended with me asking her out again at the same time next week... and her giving me a little kiss on the cheek. I smiled at her soft lips brushing against my skin, wondering at how good she smelt, like musk and cinnamon. It soothed me, somehow, and I felt happier than ever as I drove away.

  And then it started again, didn’t it?

  It annoyed me so much when I got like this, all miserable and depressing. I hadn’t been really bad since I was a teenager, only had little mood swings here and there - but it was actually getting quite bad this time. Still. I’d just met Maddy, and I refused to believe I felt like that again seeing as I’d gotten a new amazing girlfriend, and... well. I didn’t want it to ruin anything. So I tried to ignore it. And that made it worse.

  Every second I was away from her, I was convinced she’d be with another guy. It wasn’t even as if it’d be cheating on me, seeing as we hadn’t even kissed properly yet, and that just made it so much worse. I really cared for her, she made me so happy... and she probably didn’t even think about me half of the time. I wasn’t good enough to keep her, I’d never be good enough for her. And it wasn’t as if all the touring helped. I felt like a clown.

  Obviously, all that resulted in me turning up to her house randomly on the day the tour ended - and the day before our date was meant to happen - just to make sure she wasn’t with anyone else. As I got out of my car to walk up to her door, my phone buzzed.

  So sorry, can’t come tomorrow... ill -___- the text read. From her. My blood ran cold. What the hell? She’d never cancelled before (I knew I was being stupid, seeing as we’d only actually arranged a date like this once in the past, but I was panicking).  I was absolutely sure she was in there with some other guy, or that she just didn’t like me anymore. It broke my heart, and I surprised myself when I knocked on the door. I normally would’ve just ran away and cried.

  No-one answered, and I knocked again, bracing myself for some half-naked douchebag to answer the door. There was still no answer... and suddenly I got paranoid. What if she was hurt? What if I’d been so insecure for a reason, what if I was meant to find her and save her?

  "Maddy? Are you okay?" I called nervously through the letterbox.

  "Uh... uh..." I heard her groan - and then I heard her gag. I inhaled sharply, panicking.

  "Maddy, let me in! Are you okay?" I yelled again. She groaned, I heard a thump - and then she opened the door. I quickly checked she wasn’t bleeding or anything, and I was so relieved that she was okay when I finished that I immediately lunged in and hugged her. "Oh god, you're so sick! I should have come earlier..." I fretted, wishing I’d gotten insecure a few more minutes before I did as I buried my face in her hair. I felt her flush, and it made my heart flutter.

  "It's fine, dude. Don't you have stuff to do?" she mumbled. I tutted at how she undervalued herself.

  "Maddy, you're more important. Learn that." I told her, carefully dragging her to the sofa and cuddling her for a few minutes. She nuzzled into my shirt and I prayed that she wouldn’t feel my heart pounding stupidly fast in my chest. She was so close to me, her waist perfect for me to put an arm over and pull her closer. I was in my element. And then I needed to pee.

  Angry at myself, I carefully moved her so she was lying flat and got up.

 "Do you need anything? Water? Tablets?" I asked. She shrugged and stretched, yawning cutely.

 "Uh, not really. I'm good." she replied drowsily. I smiled to myself and turned to go - but she stopped me. "Hey, wait... I'm actually pretty hungry." she called. I turned back and frowned, not wanting to make her worse.

 "Are you sure that's not gonna make you sicker?" I asked stupidly. She grinned.

 "Sicker? Wow, master of grammar. Just get me food, dumbass." she teased. I laughed.

 "MASTER COMMANDER GRAMMAR!" I yelled to make her smile before going into the kitchen. I managed to find some soup in her cupboards, went to pee while it was in the pan, and poured the food in a bowl. By the time I got back to her, she was asleep. I watched her for a few seconds, frozen. She looked beautiful. Her hair fell over her face naturally, she looked so peaceful... I went to put the soup down and wait until she woke up by herself, trying not to disturb her, but when I set the bowl down on the table she woke up.

  “Oops. Sorry.” I apologized, slowly picking her head up and sitting down, letting her rest on my leg.

  “Thanks.” she murmured, sounding so out of it and fragile. I tutted.

  “Don’t be. Gotta keep you nice and healthy, right?” I asked, stroking her hair absent-mindedly. She mewled happily, tipping her head back and grinning as I gently ran my fingers through it.

  “Healthy? Chance would be a fine thing.” she giggled. I rolled my eyes, looking down at her fondly. I never would’ve imagined it possible earlier that morning, but look at us. She was cuddling with me, lying with her head on my lap, and I was playing with her hair... god, I wanted to kiss her. Those lips looked gorgeous when they were smiling at me.

  I inched down towards her slowly to see her reaction. Her eyes widened, but she didn’t stop smiling. In fact, her pupils dilated. My heart skipped a beat as I leaned even further down, stared into her eyes, and planted a soft kiss on her lips. She grinned up at me as I pulled away, all cute and beautiful. And then she vomited onto my shoes.

  The rest of my time there was spent cleaning up after that, trying to make sure she wasn’t sick again, and cuddling her. We didn’t kiss again - but she was all clammy and miserable, so it was kinda understandable that she didn’t want to. When it got late and she got sleepy, I picked her up and carried her to bed, smiling at how cute she looked.

  I kissed her forehead and gently pushed back her fringe, just carrying on smiling as she wriggled around in her own little sleepy way. Gorgeous. I know it sounds creepy, but I desperately wanted to slide in next to her. Not even for... that. I just wanted to hold her close and feel her heartbeat and fall asleep with her.

    “Y’know, sometimes I think we’re perfect for each other.” I murmured to myself before waving at her and walking out of the room reluctantly, smiling as she waved back drowsily and was snoring quietly before I’d even opened the front door. Suddenly sleepy myself, I drove to the nearest motel and checked in quickly. I didn’t want to go back to my house, even though it was only ten minutes away from hers. I wanted to be closer than that. To be perfectly honest, I wanted to be cuddled up with her again, but a crappy hotel across the road would do. Just so I was there for her if she needed me quickly.

  Thankfully, she was fine the next morning... which meant we hung out the next day, just the two of us. We just lazed around and played games and took the piss out of each other, and I loved it. She seemed so relaxed, so casual with me, like a proper girlfriend. My heart beat faster every time we kissed, her soft, pink lips slowly sliding over mine as her tongue gently traced mine. It was perfect.

  After that first day, that first kiss, I just couldn't keep away from her. I mean, sure, I was kinda always happier when we were together, but also because she was beautiful. The girl of my dreams, my whole life seemed to revolve around her. Maybe she wasn't perfect - and maybe this was cheesy - but she was perfect to me, in so many ways.

  When she found out I was YouTuber as well as a comedian, she was fine with it. When I had problems with sound editing, she did it for me, faster and better than I could've done. She helped me with storyboards, grinned at me encouragingly if I ever got an idea around her...

  It was a great two weeks.

  The depression got worse, didn't it? It started to seep into my mind even when I was with her, I'd start being paranoid if she just put her legs up on the couch facing me, thinking she was trying to push me away.

  I hated everything, especially myself, and then I felt guilty for feeling that seeing as she was pretty much the best, kindest person in the world and she was spending time with me and I was being ungrateful. I felt so unappreciative, it was unreal.

  The insecurity consumed me. I couldn't function properly, couldn't even put an act of happiness on for my baby. I could tell she was worried about me, texting me and calling me more often than usual, seeing as I could barely talk anymore. And the guilt of that too... it pushed me over the edge. I think I actually went completely insane.

  Because I cheated on her. I cheated on my Maddy.

  It was so stupid. I'd gone out to town, trying to clear my head for the millionth time in a few weeks, and suddenly I bumped into Maddy's old boss, the walking orange. It was so surreal, the way I reacted. It was like she linked me back to how I'd felt when I first met my girlfriend, and suddenly I was grinning. She mistook that for attraction... and I'd been so starved of feeling for the last week or so that I just went along with it. I disgusted myself. I mean, really?

  And then I had a YouTube meeting, didn't I? The second biggest problem in my life was right in front of me, and even though I'd stayed faithful to Maddy the last time I had to go away... it was just so tempting. Tilly. The receptionist. My "lover", except I'm pretty sure there was never any love there. Just sex. Sex I'd never really liked or particularly wanted, to be honest.

  Every time we'd ever slept with each other, every single time, I was drunk and she was wearing a mini-skirt. Most of the time we wouldn't even get back to a hotel, we'd just go straight back to her office - which just so happened to include a bed, the slut - and do it. She'd always be gone when I woke up, and I always had to check I still had my wallet. She wasn't the most decent of people.

  Then I got back from the YouTube meeting, and I saw the walking orange again, and she dragged me into an alley and snogged me. I was so shocked, begging myself to just shove her away and run back home to Maddy, my baby, the only girl who I'd ever really loved. But I didn't. I just imagined that my baby girl had been in an unfortunate accident with a tanning salon, and kissed someone else. And then she started hanging around.

  Five freaking times I saw her drive past our house. That was just the next day, and I was starting to get terrified that Maddy would notice. Okay, maybe I'd used her, and maybe she'd kinda moved out again, but she was still there a lot. She was still hanging out with me, always worried, always watching me carefully like I was about to top myself. I loved her. I really, honestly did, and I knew she cared for me. I wanted her to stay more than anything. But I didn't know what was wrong with me, so I tried to make sure I didn't drag her down. The only problem was, I didn't exactly tell her.

  She completely moved out then. I didn't talk to her, my heart breaking every time I saw her call me or text me. I tried to act indifferent, spending more and more time with the Annoying Orange, as I'd nicknamed her, just so I could get spotted by my baby and she'd leave me. It was the last thing I wanted, don't get me wrong - but it was the first thing I wanted for her. She deserved to get rid of me.

  And then she found out.

  She found out, and she didn't even seem angry.

  I was so shocked when she brought it up with me, calmly and sadly, face to face for the first time in three days. I'd missed her so much. And my heart broke when she actually said it.

  "Olan... uh... have you, uh, met Bitch Face at all in the last few weeks? Only, I-I've been hearing that... my friends say..." she stuttered. My eyes widened, and my legs started shaking uncontrollably. Oh crap. Was this the end? I didn't want her to go. "Oh, fuck. Olan... have you been meeting her? Have you been... kissing her?" she asked, so vulnerable. I swallowed painfully, trying to hold back tears and act like a douchebag. She'd leave me then. She'd have to. My Maddy didn't take crap.

  "Get off my back, Maddy." I spat, turning around and walking out of her front door, slamming it shut. I took deep breaths as I walked down the driveway, getting in the car and starting to choke as I pulled away. Oh god. I was never going to see her again.

  At least, that's what I thought.

  She didn't stop calling. She didn't stop trying. It shocked me, made me rethink a bit. Why hadn't she just ditched me? Did she... did she love me? I knew I was probably being overly optimistic - especially for me - but I couldn't help but wonder. Had she been just as addicted to being with me as I had been to being with her? Or was she just being my nice, caring Maddy again?

  I decided to test her, hoping more than anything that she really did love me, but remaining cautious. I started speaking to her a bit more, hanging out here and there, giving her a few hugs and smiling when she gave one to me. Let myself enjoy her company, basically. I could barely believe how much happier she looked, how thrilled she seemed just to be around me. It was all pointing to one thing.

  Maddy loved me. Maybe not as much as I loved her, the creepy fucker that I am, but she loved me. And that made me happier than anything else. Happy enough to blow months of wages on a two week holiday to Spain for two, actually.

  I was so happy when she said yes. She'd looked a bit bewildered, but it was a yes, and that was good enough for me. I'd purposefully booked it for pretty much a couple of days after I asked her, so she wouldn't have the chance to get cold feet or decide she hated me. I needed to go over some things with her. Make sure she didn't think I'd really meant those last few weeks.

  It didn't quite go to plan.

  Flying over was the most fun I'd had in weeks. I actually felt pretty much back to normal as she laughed with me, acting normal and not worried and my gorgeous, beautiful little Maddy. She stuck her head on my shoulder, and I wrapped my arms around her and leaned my head on hers, making sure I massaged her scalp in the same way I had back when she was sick. I was trying everything to make her fall properly in love with me.

  She asked how I was a few times on the long flight, and I just smiled and shrugged it off. But to be honest, it panicked me. I didn't know if she had any experience with mental illnesses, if she'd judge me, if she'd get freaked out. And I didn't even know how much she'd noticed when I was down, if she'd noticed quite how crap I'd felt or just thought I was being moody. It made me feel pretty sick, actually.

  We got in to the hotel pretty late at night, which was also kinda planned. I'd been so creepy and obsessed with getting it right and not upsetting her that I'd started being a bit loopy trying to make everything perfect. I'd even kept her as awake as I could on the plane - because if she was tired when we got in the room, she wouldn't complain about the double bed.

  Her mouth twisted downwards and her eyebrows raised in shock as she saw it, but she said nothing, just going into the bathroom with her suitcase and coming back out in pyjamas. I watched apprehensively as she got into the bed, yawning adorably and wriggling around. To be honest, I wasn't sure what to do. Should I wait and sleep on the floor for a few days, claiming a bad back by the end of the week and begging my way into the bed afterwards? Or should I just slide in beside her and give her a cuddle, like I'd wanted to do since I'd first seen her in bed?

  "Um... Maddy?" I called to her softly, not wanting to wake her. She grunted, and I took a deep breath.

  "Should I... uh, I mean, should I sleep on the floor, or, um, could I... I mean, if you're comfortable with it, I could sleep in with you?" I asked, biting my lip awkwardly as she sat up and looked at me calculatingly, her hair messy and falling over her face. Gorgeous.

  "Um... I, I guess you could sleep in the bed. I mean, if you... ah, crap. Do whatever, Olan. I don't really mind, and it's late. Just don't... try anything." she muttered, collapsing back down again. I allowed myself a small smile, letting it grow into a full grin when I turned the lights off and got undressed, carefully slipping in next to her. She grumbled a little whenever I moved, but otherwise she was pretty peaceful. I loved it.

  It was kinda awkward in the morning, when we woke up pretty much nose to nose. I blinked awake as I heard a gasp a few centimetres away from my face, and suddenly we were staring into each others' eyes. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move a muscle. I just wanted to lean forward just a bit...

  And then she pulled away, blushing and stuttering something about it not being her and nearly falling out of bed. I just kept watching her, trying to take in her flawlessness - and she stopped as she saw me staring. We stayed like that for a few seconds, and then she grabbed her suitcase and ran into the bathroom.

  I grunted, getting up and pulling my shirt on, wondering if we'd ever get a moment like that again or if I'd missed my chance already. I think I underestimated quite how confused we both were.

  There were plenty of moments.

  Okay, so maybe she was just acting friendly. Maybe she was just being nice. But there kept being these moments, these little sparks. We'd go out and sunbathe on the beach and be stupid together, and I'd end up just staring at her with so much fondness... and sometimes she did the same back, always tearing her eyes away with a smile and a blush. It was great. I felt like myself for the first time in ages.

  And then it got to halfway through the holiday. We were lying in bed together, and she was on the opposite end of the bed like always - although I knew we'd wake up wrapped around each other again - and I was just thinking.

  "Maddy?" I found myself calling, being quiet seeing as I didn't really know what to say and I was scared about opening myself up to her when I wasn't sure where she stood with me - okay, maybe she seemed to love me, but she didn't exactly seem okay with that. I was nervous.

  I tucked her hair behind her ear gently to try and soothe her, but she tensed, sighing impatiently as she rolled over. I swallowed.

  "Guh...?" she stuttered, seeming confused by how close I was - not that it was anything out of the ordinary anymore. I tutted quietly, laughing at her reaction.

  "Same here." I joked, watching her shocked expression turn mildly annoyed. "How you feeling?" I asked awkwardly, unsure of why I'd started this but wanting to follow it through.

  "Tired." she replied, hinting not-so-cryptically for me to leave her alone, but I didn't want to. I wanted to hold her close and kiss her and make sure she never let me try and ruin us again - and suddenly I knew what I wanted to talk about. Us. Our future, if there was one, and how we'd do it. If I was brave enough to bring up the subject.

  "Yeah, me too. But I need to talk to you... if that's okay?" I asked, leaving it up to her and half hoping she'd shake her head. But she nodded, smiling awkwardly and turning to me fully. I had her full attention. Oh god.

  I tried to keep myself focused, thinking about how much I could win from getting her back, remembering how comfortable it felt to have her holding me and kissing me - and suddenly I'd wrapped my arms around her waist, my face tantalizingly close to hers.

  "Why did we just... stop?" I asked carefully, sadness suddenly washing over me. As if I didn't know the answer. But I had to pretend, didn't I, had to make out that I'd tried to keep her instead of being stupid and trying to push her away. She shrugged awkwardly, struggling against my arms, and it broke my heart. I didn't want her to be uncomfortable - but I was scared of letting go, too.

  "Maddy, please. What did I do wrong?" I asked, even giving her a free ticket to blaming me. But she sighed.

  "It's... hard to explain." she muttered, reluctant. I frowned. I would've thought that she'd relish the chance to shout at me for being a prat. Why wasn't she being my Maddy?

  "You really think that'll put me off? What did I tell you all those months ago? You're important." I reminded her, smiling faintly as I remembered that day again. She bit her lip. "God, Maddy, you have no idea how much I care for you. You're my best friend and my girlfriend-" I started. But she cut me off.

  “Ex-girlfriend.” she spat, and I broke. Everything started hurting all at once, how close we were, how my arms were wrapped around her waist, they all started to hurt more than I could ever imagine. They all reminded me of how much I’d managed to lose by being a self-centred, miserable little loser. I tried to ignore everything, frowning slightly - but the tears in my eyes gave me away.

  “W-what? Since when?” I sniffed, still refusing to let go of her in case she started packing and I never heard from her again. The thought made me shake with fear.

  “Since we didn’t talk for a month and you snogged my boss.” she replied icily, anger written all over her face as I felt her curl her hands into fists under the duvet. I swallowed. Oh god, I felt guilty. I wanted to tell her everything... but I couldn’t.

  “I’m... I’m sorry. I didn’t know you wanted to talk.” I muttered pathetically, avoiding Annoying Orange altogether to try and distract her from the fact that I’d cheated. She glared at the ceiling above my head.

  “I called you almost every day. Do you know how pathetic and needy I felt? How fucking stupid I felt?” she grimaced. I just stayed quiet, kicking myself for making her feel that way. “Yes, I wanted to talk.” she muttered, going to roll over again - but I was still determined enough to get her to love me that I tugged her back.

  “Maddy. I need to look you in the eye when I talk like this.” I sighed, wondering if I was actually going to have the balls to say it this time. And then I stared at her face. She looked so blank, so disinterested - but I could see how hurt she was. I’d betrayed her so badly, let her believe that I was sane enough to be anywhere close to stable and completely let her down when she’d trusted me. I felt sick. All I wanted to do was make it better.

  “Look. You’ve become a huge part of my life. I know I didn’t talk to you for ages, but that’s because... I had my reasons, alright?” I explained as best I could without actually telling her anything. She raised an eyebrow and scoffed, unimpressed. I sighed.

  “Maddy, what I’m trying to say is... I love you.” I found myself saying, gasping sharply when I realized what I’d done. Oh god. I’d just said it. Why the hell did I do that? I mean, it was obvious she wasn’t impressed, what with her... her serene expression, her slight dreamy smile, her muscles gently relaxing into me. Oh my god. I watched her carefully, scared to move in case I ruined it as she stared into space for a minute or two.

  Suddenly, she started looking less calm. The little lines between her eyebrows started to get more obvious, she started to blush - but it wasn’t her nice, familiar blush. She seemed angry, there was an edge to all her features. She hated me, I was sure of it. All I could do was cling to her, and hope she wouldn’t push me away... I should be so lucky.

  “No.” she replied. I blinked, freezing with my hands locked into place around her.

  “Uh... what?” I asked timidly. She glared at me, fuming.

  “No, you don’t. You’re just trying to get some.” she spat. I gasped, horrified. How could she accuse me of that? Did she think I’d said the same to Annoying Orange? Did she really hate me enough to think I’d do that? Oh my god... I’d destroyed us.

  “What?! No, Maddy, I wouldn’t! I couldn’t! I’ve... I’ve fallen in love with you!” I begged pitifully. She rolled her eyes and pulled away, starting to get out of bed, and I couldn’t take it. Every fibre of my being screamed at me to grab her, pull her back and never let go. So I did. And she got pissed.

  “Get your fucking hands off me. I don’t want anything to do with you.” she growled viciously. I gasped again, trying not to start weeping. Oh god. Why had I even tried this? Wouldn’t it have been better to just let her go and find someone new, someone better, so at least one of us could have been happy?

  “But... why?” I wailed, my voice cracking as I clung to her shirt in desperation. She prized my hands off her quickly and grimly, still looking so angry... I didn’t even understand how things had gone wrong so quickly. I mean, she’d been all over me before now. What had I done?

  “You told me you loved me just to try and get laid. That’s... despicable.” she muttered, struggling viciously as I wrapped my legs tightly around one of hers, clinging to her like a koala.

  “No! I love you!” I protested bitterly, trying to clutch at her shirt again - but she shoved me away viciously, anger radiating from her. It actually kinda scared me.

  "Stop! If you love me, why did you stop calling? Why did I have to scramble for conversation for so long? Why did you ignore me, Olan? It hurt..." she sniffed, her voice raspy and choked. I felt awful for making her so upset.

  "Maddy, baby. Please understand. I was scared. I've never felt anything like this before, these... emotions, they're new. I didn't know what to do." I tried to explain, wondering if it actually was being so happy that made me scared and depressed - if that made any sense. Either way, I couldn't blame her. She was my baby. "I'm still not quite sure." I admitted, looking up at her hopefully, flinching away at her slightly unimpressed expression.

  "But I'm ready to find out what happens with you. All I know is that I love you, and I want to be with you, and that's why I asked you here. There's always someone around wherever we go. I wanted somewhere more private - and nowhere is more private than a hotel room." I added, trying to be funny. I instantly regretted it as she grimaced, watching her flinch at the mention of "private" hotel rooms. God, I was stupid.

  "Olan... get off." she muttered under her breath, her stomach sucked right in, recoiling from my touch. I hated it. If she'd only let me show her how in love with her I was, I was sure she'd stay. She wasn't a cruel girl. But I gave her every reason to be as I shook my head.

  "Please, Maddy. You're my life now." I pleaded, watching apprehensively as she rolled her eyes at my dramatics.

  "You survived without your life for two whole months. You can survive without it until you die for all I care." she spat, tearing herself away from me and reaching for her suitcase. Helplessly confused and miserable, I grabbed her arm, forcing her to spin back to me. I saw the way her fists clenched. I knew she wanted to brain me with a lamp. I didn't care. Loving her was more important than my safety.

  "Maddy, I love you more than anything. Please." I wobbled, starting to wail all over the place. She gritted her teeth, still tugging at my fingers to let me go. I thought of everyone who'd pushed me away before, how much I'd failed everyone I'd ever loved, and I couldn't fucking stand it anymore. "Don't push me away. I... I can't take it anymore." I sobbed, falling onto the carpet and grabbing her ankles pathetically.

  There was a moment of silence - except me crying stupidly - and she just kinda sighed a little. I could tell she was thinking, I just knew it. So I sobbed harder, and clung to her a little tighter, and tried to make sure she chose to stay with me. And then she sat down on the floor with me.

  "Why did you bring me here?" she asked nicely, so calm and cool compared to how she'd been a few seconds before. I looked up in shock, staring at her - and she grabbed my shoulders and pulled me into a hug. Nothing had ever felt better than that hug. It was the highlight of my life so far. The shock and the adrenaline made me shake and cry as I nuzzled into her shoulder, holding her tightly. My baby. Now I just had to make sure she didn't change her mind.

"B-Because I know you love travelling and I wanted to make you happy, okay? Is that so bad? And now we're here, I just want to hold you forever." I begged. She didn't move, and I decided to go for it. "Please, Maddy. Stay with me. Let me love you." I sniffed, nuzzling my cheek against her jawbone in case it was the last chance I got.

  And then her cheeks moved upwards.

  "What, here?" she giggled. I pulled away slightly, blinking in shock and disbelief.

  "Uh... what?" I asked, not daring to be hopeful yet. She laughed happily.

  "Bow chicka wow wow." she winked, smiling happily as I grinned and threw myself at her, gently guiding our lips together again. I'd missed it so much.

  We took a few minutes to just sit there, relaxing into each others' arms and making out passionately, eventually managing to get up and collapse on the bed, breathless and giggling. She smiled sweetly at me as I admired her, one arm under her backbone, my feet casually resting on hers, my nose pressed against her cheek.

  It was such an immense feeling. I don't really know how to describe it. I'd always seen life as pretty pointless, to be honest. Maybe I'd only really been able to admit it to myself in those dark moments when I was alone, away from Maddy... but I'd always kinda wondered if I'd end up topping myself, seeing as I couldn't imagine myself really being happy in life, and if I wasn't happy then sooner or later I'd crack. But there I was. Cuddling with my girlfriend, and she hadn't ran away when I said "I love you". This was pretty close to perfection - so obviously, I decided to push it. Reckless as always. And for once, it worked.

  "My Madeline?" I called, starting the conversation by annoying her, as always. It was just how things went, I guess. Sometimes I'd take a step back and wonder how we managed to fall in love when we were so dysfunctional.

  "What?" she grunted, headbutting the pillow. I grinned. Cutie. Here goes nothing.

  "Would you object if I wanted to say I love you AND get some?" I asked innocently, putting on my best sexy-ish smirk, expecting her to laugh and hit me with a cushion - but she just laughed, looking down and blushing nervously.

  "Not at all." she replied after a slight pause, and all my muscles froze. What? Oh my god, I'd never expected her to say yes. It'd always surprised me when I managed to pick up a drunken slut from some stupid bar for a one-night-stand, never mind get to sleep with my amazing, beautiful girlfriend.

  "Hmmm..." I replied awkwardly, and the awkwardness turned into the same old silence. I could tell she was thinking as she stared just below my mouth and very slightly moving her lips - the movements just too infuriatingly small for me to make out the words, even with our noses almost touching - and I started to wonder if I should have been doing that too.

  But I couldn't. How could I have? There were so many possibilities, and so many things that could happen next, and the only one I could think of was actually doing it. Just going for it, and sleeping with her. She'd offered. I loved her. She hadn't said it back yet... but she wasn't a slut, she wouldn't sleep with me if we weren't serious. And just picturing it - in the least pervy way possible - made me want her for the first time.

  Okay, I'd wanted her for ages. That was normal, right? I mean, I'd seen her in a towel, fresh out of the shower, and I'd wanted to rip it off her and do unspeakable things to her up against a wall. But that was the problem. Unspeakable things, so my mind had never bothered to fill in the blanks for me on the technicalities, because she was my Maddy, and my Maddy was pure as she could be with a mind that dirty.

  This was the first time I could really think through it all. See myself just inching forward, murmuring how much I loved her into her neck, her chest, her hipbones. Undressing her carefully and lying her down, and yeah, doing unspeakable things, but unspeakable things I could imagine. Kissing her, everywhere. Licking her until she groaned and making her fall apart for me a million times, as many times as I could make her lose control. That was what I could see... and suddenly, I wanted to do it. Not that I hadn't those other times, obviously, but I'd always told myself I'd mess it up or end up thinking what to do for too long.

  "So... we doing this?" I asked half-nervously, wondering if she'd gotten cold feet in the few minutes I'd been thinking - it'd be just my luck, after all - but she sucked in a breath and nodded.

  "Sure." she replied, so casual, so normal as she sat up and leaned forward. I scrambled up myself, always so haphazard in comparison to her, and tried to sit in the same way as she did, with her legs folded underneath her... but I couldn't get it comfortably, so I just leaned a bit to my side and tilted my head to make up for it like an idiot. She didn't seem to mind at least, running her hands through my hair, and I wondered how often she'd done this before.

  I knew she wouldn't be a virgin. How could she be? She was my gorgeous, cheeky Maddy - who wouldn't want her? I had to keep reminding myself that I wasn't exactly the height of virtue either to stop myself from being jealous of whoever else she'd slept with. Obviously, that made me wonder how tight she was... and whether she was wet right then... and then I had to cut that thought off in case I came before I'd even gotten near her. That would've been embarrassing.

  "Ohh, Maddy... I love you baby." I groaned after a particularly passionate nibble on my lip from her. She smiled against my lips, a nice, familiar smile, and I smiled too at how natural it felt when she whispered it back.

  "I love you, Olan." she'd said. The thing I'd waited since I met her to hear. All I could think of was how happy I felt, and how close she was to me, and how I'd make sure to not let this go wrong, and how, for once, I wasn't unhappy at all. It was a nice feeling.

  She started pushing me down onto the bed slowly, her long legs slowly moving so they were resting on either side of my hips, and I grinned at the sheer improbability of it all. I mean, how could any of this have happened? By all rights, she should have hated me. She should've took one look at me and ran. But she didn't, and we were about to make love, and nothing had ever been sweeter.

  My hands moved to her sides, gently tracing down as I remembered when I lost my virginity. I was maybe 20, not too long ago, really. Nice girl, called Susan, I think. Maybe. I was never good at names, plus I was stoned and drunk. I'd always kinda felt guilty for losing my V card that way. Maybe I could pretend that I was losing it again to Maddy - I certainly felt like a virgin as I clumsily moved my hands down to the hem of her shirt, pulling it up gently and feeling way too overwhelmed as her boobs came into view. I mean, come on. I was a grown man. But she was just so irresistible.

  I could tell she felt a little awkward then, going ever so slightly pink and moving her arms so they slightly covered her chest - honestly, so did I. I guess I'd just imagined like a blank part of her body from below her collarbones to just above her knees, kinda like a Barbie doll, and suddenly she was on top of me and she didn't have any clothes on except panties and she had curves and a pretty much rocking body and I was stunned.

  I dragged my fingers up her back, smiling as the familiar woolly-headedness flooded through my veins. Oh god, it was perfect. Almost exactly as I'd imagined so far, slow and precise and not too confident but not too shy. My hands were rounding the top of her ribcage now, and my palms were just about coming to a stop over her nipples, and she was breathing heavily from shock and fear and general sex-feelings. It was pretty cool to watch, to be honest.

  So I took it further.

  I wriggled backwards a little so I was pretty much sat up against the headboard, and sucked a hard little nipple into my mouth. She gasped, grabbing my shoulders and pushing on them to keep herself upright. I tried not to grin as I lapped and sucked gently at her soft, pliant skin, and she grunted and whimpered so sexily as she absent-mindedly ground against my crotch, and my rapidly hardening semi.

  I glanced down at her hips gyrating on me, smirking despite myself as I noticed how her juices were starting to make trails on my boxers. She started to shake, and I wondered how experienced she actually was. Maybe no-one had ever sucked on her boobs before... but that was a pretty long-shot, right? I mean, everyone did that for foreplay. It made girls horny, and it was pretty hot.

  "Feel good, baby?" I asked, starting to wonder if she was just acting it up for me. Her lustful little squeak as she answered proved me wrong, and I gained the confidence to lift her off my lap and gently lay her down on the bed. Well. If she got that worked up over just that... how would she be when I ate her out?

  Worryingly for me, she started to get a bit sort of agitated, frowning a little and starting to hyperventilate. I didn't want her to panic. I wanted her to just relax, let herself be... HERSELF with me.

  "Shh, shh shh. It's okay, baby. Just relax..." I breathed into the hollow of throat, running my fingers all over her sides and her curves and anywhere I thought would turn her on enough to not stop this glorious moment. She calmed down a little, but still whimpered.

  "O-Olan... please. Be gentle." she pleaded. I feel bad admitting it, but it turned me on. She was normally so independent, so strong-willed... I'd known her coming apart in my hands would feel good, but I'd never imagined quite how good. "Olan!" she gasped, fear in her voice as I nibbled softly at her neck. I smiled

  "It's all okay, baby." I whispered tenderly, removing her panties with her permission... and then I don't know. I'd never been with a virgin girl before. It'd never occurred to me that maybe Maddy trusted me enough to, y'know, make me her first. So I just went for it. And she screamed. Looking back, it's lucky I didn't get hit.

  "Oh my god... Maddy. You're so tight..." I admired stupidly, not getting it. She hissed, flinching and twisting away from me angrily.

  "No shit, Sherlock! I said be gentle!" she shouted, wincing as I pulled my finger out of her and taking quick, shallow breaths. I froze as I realized.

  "Maddy, are you... are you a virgin?!" I gasped, begging for it not to be true - but it was, obviously. She nodded, slowly and angrily, and I thought I'd blown it. I gasped again, this time in regret, and pushed myself off her so she had space. She didn't seem to get the message, sitting up with me and panting... crap. I knew I'd mess it all up somehow. Damn it.

  But she didn't give me time to get all self-hating and depressed. She didn't give me the chance to apologize a million times and beg her not to leave. She didn't let me get on my knees and cling to her and cry until she forgave me. She was busy pulling my shirt off.

  I groaned, not even because she was undressing me, or because I thought she'd leave, or even because I was happy she didn't hate me. Because of the kiss. That freaking kiss. It was just so urgent, so passionate but somehow so sweet at the same time. Her lips and her hands and her tongue just kept pulling me closer, and then she pushed me backwards and straddled me so much more confidently than before.

  I couldn't stop gasping for breath as she grabbed the hem of my boxers and pulled them down efficiently, throwing them behind her casually. How could she really be a virgin? I mean, okay, I'd felt how tight she'd been around my finger, how wet and hot it'd felt... oh god. This was going to be so, so good.

  "M-Maddy." I pined in lust, trying to keep still as her lips trailed down my chest and ended up on my happy trail. I couldn't even take it. She was just too good.

  "Yeah, baby?" she asked innocently, wrapping her hand around me for the first time - her long fingers dancing over my shaft, like they were naturally meant to be there - and slowly kissing and licking my tip. It was just too good. Shocks were shooting up my spine already, I couldn't even begin to make sense of what my balls were doing, seeing as I was pretty much pre-cumming already. My hips were pushing up towards her face involuntarily, and all I could do was lie back and let myself try and cum - and I knew I'd have to wait. This was Maddy. She wouldn't let me until she wanted me to, right?

  The thought made me shudder and pull her away, sitting her on my lap to try something I'd only ever seen in porn but always wanted to try. I pushed myself just between her pussy lips - which were so soft and swollen I barely managed to stop myself just shoving myself into her delicate, pure hole - and let my head rest on her asshole, pushing and pulling at her so she rocked against me until she got the message and did it herself. It felt just wonderful, blissful, too good. I was straining not to cum, and when it eventually got too much I pulled her off quickly and started to slide down her body, painfully aware of how awkward my purple, pulsing shaft made it to lie down.

  She tensed and shivered cutely as I brushed my lips against her thighs, kissing her clit just gently and starting to lick around her hole, grinning at the taste. I really did love that taste... and it'd been a while, seeing as all the girls I'd... well, cheated on Maddy with just wanted quick sex.

  I made my tongue revolve in smaller and smaller circles around her tiny little opening, grinning as I slowly pushed my tongue into her and she made a noise halfway between a lustful groan and a scream.

  "Oh my god! O-O-Olan!" she yelled, clenching her hands into fists in my hair and tugging me even closer. I grunted at how hot even that felt, starting to feel slightly desperate as I just tongued her as best I could. I wanted her to cum. I wanted her to just let herself go. With every second that passed she'd move on to a new flick of her hips or a new swearword she hadn't screamed for the whole hotel to hear yet - but I still wasn't sure I could actually make her cum.

  Low self esteem, I guess, seeing as it really didn't take much longer to finish her off.

  "OLAN! FUCK!" she shrieked as I found her G-spot - for the first time in a girl, might I add - and bored in on it. Her legs spasmed randomly, her eyes stared up at the ceiling before rolling back into her head, she screamed amazingly loudly and sexily... and she came, collapsing backwards from her half-sitting position that she'd dragged herself to using my hair. I swore she'd torn a handful out...

  I watched her for a second, smiling to myself as I admired my handiwork. She looked so beautiful. I mean, yeah, it was kinda pervy to just sit back and think so much of her then, and sort of sexist too, but she really did look wonderful. She was just lost in her own feelings, her own bliss... I never thought I'd ever make such a beautiful woman so happy. So I peeked over to look at her face properly. And she opened her eyes.

  She grabbed my face suddenly and forced me down so our mouths collided - but she didn't kiss me, licking all around my mouth instead. I couldn't help but breathe a little heavier as I remembered that she was probably licking her own cum... off my face. Well, that was hot.

  I pulled her away gently - the only thing that'd been done gently since she jumped me, and I actually didn't mind - and crawled so I was between her legs, trying not to show how much it turned me on when she pushed her hips up desperately and ended up rubbing my dick with her snatch. God, it was amazing.

  "Ready, baby?" I asked nervously. She just groaned, clearly too lustful to care about pain.

  "Yes, baby, yes!" she pleaded, making fingernail marks in my shoulders and letting an ecstatic groan escape her lips as I carefully rested it on her clit, trailing it down. She hissed as I gently slipped my head inside her, whimpering as much as I was. It was too good. She was so wet, so tight, all the friction so perfectly right and natural that I could barely stand it. My face was screwed up stupidly as I tensed as much as I could, sliding just a little more in and nearly blowing it when she twisted her hips in the perfect way. Holy crap. My Maddy had moves.

  I let myself calm down for a minute or so once I'd slipped a little inside her, trying to get used to the gorgeous, slick feeling of us slotted together. She stopped wincing, started to murmur gently and appreciatively whenever I moved my hips. It was so strange, so good, so perfect. I was almost as in love with it as I was in love with her.

  After a while, I started to rock my hips a little, just gently and slowly, in time with our ragged breathing. She started to move a little too, almost subconsciously I think, but I put a hand on her hips to keep her still. Obviously, I couldn't hold all of her body down, so she started to flick her head from side to side, tossing that long red hair as she moaned. Sexy.

  So sexy, in fact, that I sped up a little without even thinking. I didn't even mean to, really. Who does that? No, seriously, who would not even make a conscious decision to pump someone harder during sex? Everyone goes on about "instincts" and stupid stuff, but I didn't even notice it at first. It just happened, and suddenly she was moaning louder and so was I, and I had that deep satisfaction that I seemed to get from pleasing her.

  "Oh god, Maddy..." I murmured, resting my forehead on her chest and screwing my eyes shut to try and stop myself from cumming. She decided to make it even harder - in both senses of the word - by pushing her hips further onto me, making our sex faster and harder and even more passionate. I was starting to lose myself as much as she was, but I was trying hard to keep myself from exploding.

  "Please, baby, faster. Harder." she begged, and I tried to call her a "good girl" but I couldn't through the fogginess that clouded my mind as I started to give myself a rhythm, a nice normal sort of speed that fried my brain and made me push a little more of myself into her with every thrust.

  She didn't stop begging. I didn't stop doing what she wanted, and neither of us stopped groaning or kissing, and her pussy didn't stop being so perfect and my cum didn't stop trying to burst out until we were both just fucking, hard and fast but so, so perfect. I loved her. I loved her more than ever, and we were just so in sync and together and-

  And then she came.

  "Olan! Oh-OOLAN!!" she screamed oh-so-sexily, like a freaking porn-star as she creamed all over my dick. I froze, allowing myself just a few seconds to register how amazing it felt, having her cunt spasm around me, before pulling out and cumming all over her, laughing exhaustedly as she sat up and shoved the tip way down her throat to swallow some.

  I collapsed onto the bed beside her when I finished, gasping for breath as I watched her grin, all sexy and self-satisfied, and snuggle up to me. My arms automatically reached out to her and I held her tight, grinning as she nuzzled into my shoulder... I couldn't believe how quickly things had changed. I mean, she'd started to pack a little while ago, and I'd thought things were over. But now we were cuddling after sex and I loved her, I loved her more than anything.

  "We should really do that more often." I teased, kissing her forehead as she laughed drowsily and closed her eyes. I settled down to sleep beside her, and suddenly the world made sense. It was actually kinda funny to think that we'd barely been talking a week or two beforehand.

  I woke up the next morning, and I couldn't stop smiling at her as she slept... still naked. I guess I'm a creeper. But it still wasn't half as awkward as I'd thought it would be when she woke up slowly. She just stared at me for a bit with a small smile on her face, snuggled closer and cuddled for a bit - kissed me. Grabbed me and rolled us so she was lying on top of me. I guess you know the rest...

  She started laughing after we both finished that time, rolling off me and giggling cutely. I frowned jokingly at her, acting offended as she apologized, still sniggering.

  "Sorry. But I kinda ache... and I like it." she smiled at me, sitting up and ruffling my hair affectionately. I winked.

  "Get used to that." I teased, kissing her and getting up to put some clothes on. She raised an eyebrow, going pink - but she didn't object. My heart skipped a beat as I went to make us both breakfast. This was perfect.

  ~

  I don't think she ever got used to it. God knows, I tried to "train her up"... we spent half the rest of the holiday all over each other. It was the best time of my life. Just that one week, where we were away, and together, and in love with each other after so long of trying to get the timing right. And some of the sex was absolutely phenomenal. I mean, sometimes we got a bit drunk and couldn't really do it properly - at least, not without giggling hysterically - but then there was that time when we felt like being slow and it was just so tender and loving and I felt like nothing would ever get better.

  After we got home... well. I don't really know. Loving her was still as perfect to me as it had ever been, in both senses of the word, but it felt kinda weird to settle with her. I mean, this was Maddy. She'd never seemed like the settling type.

  Regardless, I helped her set up her own YouTube channel, she helped me do editing, we were basically a normal YouTube couple. But it felt weird. And then I don't know, I started getting those annoying depressing moments again. I hated myself for it, but I was starting to rely on her sleeping with me to make myself happy. It was actually scaring me, how dependent I was getting. I stopped drinking for ages, just in case I got too drunk one day and couldn't control myself. She didn't deserve to be put through that.

  We got to nine months, nine months of dating and being pretty happy and mind-blowing sex. And then I had a YouTube meeting.

  I couldn't believe it when I got the email. I mean, really? Just when I'd started getting miserable again, just when me and Maddy could end? This was just too much. I felt like something was pressuring me, making me split up from my love and end up with the bitch receptionist from my guilty one-night-stands.

  The first time wasn't too bad. I kept away, I didn't talk to Tilly, I didn't go out at night in case she turned up. I stayed in my room and hid and begged myself not to ever give in. And I got through it. I couldn't believe it, but I got through the whole week without cheating on my Maddy. I was ecstatic on the plane back, grabbing her and twirling her around and carrying her straight to the bedroom when I saw her again. I felt sort of guilty as she giggled obliviously, but at least I hadn't actually cheated. Just thought about it. Had to confine myself to a hotel room to stop myself. Jeez.

  The second time wasn't so okay. I'd thought I could do it, I'd thought I could at least go out and socialize without messing up. Apparently not. Tilly was there, that fucking bitch, she must have come to the bar specifically to torment me. She just walked up, bold as brass, and bought me a drink. I hated it. I hated her. But I drank anyway, mildly terrified, and she basically took advantage of me.

  I hated myself immediately afterwards. She just pulled her skirt back up and walked out of the greasy bathroom stall without even a look back at me. It made me sick as I sorted myself out, but I didn't necessarily feel too bad, which made me feel even sicker. Why couldn't I just stay faithful to my baby? Why did I have to be such an asshole sometimes?

  The guilt hit when I got home. Maddy, my baby, she threw herself into my arms and whined about how much she'd missed me and gave me a cake and was normal. That's what hurt, more than anything. The fact that she was normal, and blameless, and it would be all my fault if we split up.

  We did.

  ~

  I hated myself so much, after that second time. After I let my girlfriend, my fantastic, amazing girlfriend down. She noticed, obviously, and she always tried to make me feel better - but how could she have? I couldn't tell her. She wouldn't exactly give me calm advice if I told her I'd been fucking another woman since before I even met her.

  So we grew apart. It's a simple sentence, but it contains a lot of emotions. Despair. Misery. Confusion, on her side. I couldn't stop wondering why I'd fucked it up so badly. I mean, we'd been invincible, unstoppable. And I'd just... stopped us.

  Nothing much happened, after that. We stopped talking quite so much. We stopped cuddling. We still had sex... but I wasn't sure if that was good or bad. I mean, sometimes it felt like the only thing keeping us together. It was rare that we ever talked afterwards, never mind laugh like we used to. I hated it. I hated Tilly. I hated myself.

  And then I fucked up yet again.

  Me and Maddy, we were starting to pick back up again. I was starting to realize that maybe we could get over this. She didn't know, right, so why should I act guilty and make her suspicious? I was learning to spend time with her again. We were getting better. But it wasn't to be.

  We slid into bed with each other, and I held her tightly, smiling as I felt her fidget beneath the covers. We'd both agreed not to sleep with each other that night, seeing as we were both tired, and I knew she'd settle down in a matter of seconds. And then she murmured it. It wasn't her fault, bless her. She wasn't to know. But it ruined everything.

  "I love you." she whispered sleepily in the darkness. I sighed happily, nuzzling into her forehead. My brain was switched off, okay? I'd never imagined that I could be quite so stupid. I'd never realized just how fucking brain-dead moronic I could be.

  "I love you, Tills." I murmured, my breath catching in my throat as I realized what I'd just said. Oh god. Oh fuck. I prayed to god that she wouldn't notice - but I knew she had from the moment she stiffened, suddenly awake.

   "Uh... what?" she asked shyly, her body automatically curving away from me. I couldn't stand it, how betrayed she looked. She must've known. She must've been able to tell that there really was another girl, just from how gutted I looked. I couldn't believe it. It was like one of them stupid romance films where the character does exactly the worst thing possible and everyone wonders what the writers were thinking of to make them so unrealistic. But that's me, I guess. Too stupid for words.

  She gasped, her eyes immediately filling with tears, and I braced myself for the argument.

  “Olan, I... is there really a... oh god, please say you’re joking!” she sniffed, shaking. I stayed silent, staring at the duvet in shame. She let out a shaky sob, wiping her eyes hastily and composing herself. “Olan. Is there another girl?” she asked miserably. I nodded slowly, and she whimpered. It was too much to take, I didn’t want her to have to ask everything and drag the information out of me... so I explained. Maybe I went into too much detail.

  “Um... yeah. I guess there is. Look, I-I didn’t mean... oh god. I didn’t mean for it to go anywhere. There was this girl, a receptionist at the YouTube offices... Tilly. She was attractive enough, I guess, a slut. But then, I don’t know. I got drunk at a bar, everyone always left me out on business trips, she came and said hello. I went back to hers. It... it happened a lot. It was quick, and I was stupid, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it go on for so long.” I mumbled, ashamed. It amazed me how much of a pig I’d been. Such a selfish little brat, even then. I’d had the best girl in the world, gotten her to love me - and what had I done? I’d just gone and acted like a pimp, for god’s sake.

  “But...” she sniffed, coughing roughly and wiping her eyes quickly. I sighed again.

  “Maddy... maybe you should go.” I suggested quietly. I’m honestly telling the truth when I say I was only thinking of her, of keeping her away from me so she wouldn’t get hurt the next time I was so weak... but she obviously didn’t see it that way.

  “You... you want me to leave?” she whispered slowly, her breathing all weird. I nodded, half-wanting her to take it badly so she’d hate me as I stared at my hands.

  “I just think it’s for the best, Maddy. I’ll pay for a hotel, if you want...?” I asked. Well, I could hardly let myself be even more of a dick to her, for god’s sake. I still cared about her, honestly I did. I wished more than anything that I hadn’t blurted out the wrong name to her. But if there was a wrong name to blurt out, didn’t that sort of suggest that I was a dickhead to her? Whatever. She ought to leave me and just let me be fucking awful to everyone else... but she never was that interested in self-preservation, my Maddy. I loved it about her. I loved her. Plain and simple - but how simple could it really have been if I’d slept with another woman?

  “I don’t want that.” she pointed out, her strong, confident voice wobbling like a kid’s. I frowned to myself, trying to see a way out of this. I knew she didn’t want that, and neither did I, but it was what was best... oh god, I didn’t want to do this. All I wanted to do was rewind, call her by the right fucking name, and sleep. I was so tired recently.

  “Please, Maddy. Leave. It’s not good for you, sticking around. It’ll be better for us both if you stay away from me.” I replied wearily, wanting it over and done with just so I could try and forget. I knew she wouldn’t come back - I mean, why would she after this? - so maybe it would be better to just try and get over her as soon as I could.

  “Do you love her?” she asked. I scowled at the thought of being in love with Tilly, shrugging to avoid the question.

  “I don’t know, do I? I just fucked her a few times.” I muttered when she wouldn’t just get up and pack. God, I had a headache. I just wanted to be alone... then. I knew I’d hate myself for all this in the morning as she closed her eyes, swallowing hard. Like she was trying not to be sick.

  “And you’d give the same answer if I asked if you love me.” she mumbled dejectedly. I kept a wince off my face. That was harsh. Of course I loved Maddy. I knew I was trying to make her leave, but that was going a bit too far. I stared into space for a while, my head spinning in circles. I felt faintly sick.

  “Maybe.” I replied after a while, at a loss with what else to do - and she choked. I just sighed. Surely she knew how much of a piece of shit I was by now? Surely she’d learned to expect it. “Look, I don’t want to upset you-” I started. She laughed bitterly, mockingly, and it really hurt. I know people say “oh, it hurt me blah blah blah” but I seriously felt like someone was stabbing me as she started crying.

  “Should’ve thought of that before you cheated on me.” she grimaced, trying to be brave, and I sighed. I hadn’t thought of anything before cheating on her, except where the next shot glass was. God fucking damnit. I needed to tell her how much damage I’d done, how often I’d slept with that bitch. I owed her that, at least.

  “Maddy, I... oh god. I shouldn’t say this, but... technically, I’ve been seeing her longer than you.” I admitted. She whimpered.

  She actually freaking whimpered, my brave Maddy, shoving a hand in front of her mouth and shaking. I couldn’t take it. Something about how vulnerable she looked, slumped against the bedstead in her pyjamas and sobbing, it just... got through to me. It all sank in. What I’d done, what I was doing, how much I’d miss her when I actually managed to do it. Fuck. FUCK.

  “I... please don’t be upset, baby. I just, before I met you, I was so depressed, I couldn’t even think straight half of the time. And then, then she was a receptionist at the YouTube offices, an-and she came onto me... she was a slut, really. I knew she’d slept with half the guys on YouTube, but I didn’t care... because it was a different city and no-one knew me there and I hadn’t gotten laid for months. She was never there when I woke up, but I didn’t mind. It was sex. And then I met you, and you showed me how amazing everything could be, and... baby, please. I’m sorry.” I blurted, instantly sobbing. FUCK. Why had I even done this? Why did I have to always do things wrong, say things wrong, show things wrong? If I’d been better at showing my feelings, maybe she would’ve loved me for longer. Or maybe she would’ve run a mile. I always was a creepy fucker.

  She snapped me out of it, punching the bedpost and screwing her face up in anger. I stared as she took deep breaths, watched her lips move as she slowly counted to ten before her features relaxed a little and her mouth, that perfect mouth that had always been glued to mine, set in determination.

  “Don’t call me baby, Olan. Just tell me what happened so I can get out of here.” she muttered, finally doing what I’d wanted just a few seconds ago. Just too late. I sighed, sniffing and drying my eyes. I didn’t want to snivel if this was the last time she’d see me.

  “I met you. I-I loved you. And when I realized that, I told you every day, every chance I could get, because it didn’t seem real to me if you didn’t say it back. But Maddy, I... I’m sorry, but I was still scared. I knew how stupid it was, but I didn’t want to get my heart broken, and I didn’t know how to deal with all my emotions, and then... well. Then I had another business trip, didn’t I?” I choked, starting to realize what a pathetic excuse it was. What a pathetic little boy I was. Had I seriously thought I could get away with it? Ridiculous. Disgusting. Pig.

  “I was so scared.” I admitted, looking up properly for the first time in ages when she scoffed. She looked so hurt... “No, I promise I was! I didn’t want to hurt you, I didn’t want to cheat. I was so determined... and y’know what, I got through it that first time. I barely looked at her, kept myself staring at the floor the whole time she was around. I came home and I picked you up and spun you around and I was so happy. I couldn’t believe I’d actually done it. I was glad I didn’t have anything to be guilty for.” I tailed off, but she was practically ignoring me by then. Of course she was. Suddenly wanting her back after being a little shit wasn’t going to change her mind.

  “But it made me cocky. I thought it’d be easy the next time, I looked her straight in the eye when I walked in... I’m such an idiot. Everyone went to a club that night, and I tagged along... but so did she. And she walked over, and she drank with me, and... well. Everyone always leaves me out on those trips anyway, and I was already pretty drunk. I felt included, and I didn’t tell her to go away. I didn’t object when she slid closer. And th-then she... she grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bathroom...” I gasped, all too aware that I sounded like I needed a doll pointing to where she touched me. I was a joke. And when she hung her head, obvious guilt on her face, I took advantage. Great.

  “I swear, Maddy, baby, I’ve never felt more filthy. But it was quick, I guess. She just fucked me and walked out, and... I don’t know. Maybe I kinda liked it being like that. No strings attached, y’know? It made me feel confident, I guess, like I could really be with you... even though I’d just cheated.” I finished quietly, starting to realize quite how fucked up I was as she took a deep breath. Wow. Completely sane, right?

  “So that’s it? You didn’t even feel bad?” she asked, sniffing. I blanched. Of course I wanted her to leave, of course I wanted her to never want to see me again... I didn’t want her to think I was inhuman.

  “Maddy! Of course I did! It was just the buzz, and being drunk that night... as soon as I woke up the next morning I felt sick. I couldn’t believe I’d failed you, I was sure you’d know somehow when I got back... but you didn’t. You were as happy to see me as always, and I was ecstatic to see you - but it just always seemed to be in the back of my mind. I couldn’t get away from it. And that made me scared you’d find out, and then I got scared about what if you didn’t find out and the future and having to live with it forever, and then when I went back to the offices... well, I was pretty much a nervous wreck, right? And she was there again, and I was still stupid, so we did it again. I’m sorry.” I apologized... but I knew she was too angry from the moment I looked up at her, practically begging forgiveness. She just looked so pissed off.

  “Y’know what? No. You did fail me. I can’t forgive you for this, Olan.” she spat, obviously controlling herself. I couldn’t stand that I’d made her so angry.

  “Baby, please... please...” I whispered over and over. I couldn’t even think, I just felt so panicked. Why? Why had I done this to the best thing that’d ever happened to me?

  “No! Maybe I could’ve done... but Olan, five minutes ago you told me to leave! You wanted us to end!” she accused. I gasped, feeling sick.

  “No! Baby, I was just thinking of what’s best for you...” I argued pointlessly, feeling like screaming and begging and making a scene... but I couldn’t. She didn’t deserve a shrieking maniac, not when she was already finding it so hard, my poor angel. Oh, wait. Just poor angel.

  “Don’t act like a martyr, Olan, it doesn’t suit you. You wanted to break up with me. Why? So you could go fuck her again?!” she screamed, and I just gave up. I could fight, I could yell back, I could get my heart broken - or I could just let her think I was a twat and deal with feelings later. And I’m lazy.

  “I...” I stuttered - but I didn’t bother saying anything else. If she was so determined to hate me, I wouldn’t stop her.

  “Is that a yes?” she asked, looking completely disgusted. I stayed quiet. Arguing took effort. “Oh my god, I never thought even you’d stoop that low. You disgust me.” she spat after a few seconds of disbelieving silence, getting up and pulling on jeans. It all hit me. This was the last time I’d ever see her. She wouldn’t come back, she’d never talk to me, never make me laugh or laugh with me or smile or kiss or giggle or text or just be herself with me. This was the end, and I just couldn’t face it.

  “Maddy... sweetheart, please. Come here.” I suddenly begged, throwing my arms open hopelessly. She curled her lip, and suddenly I was standing, advancing towards her as she backed away. “Maddy. Come here.” I repeated, trying to be firm. She just shuddered, turning and grabbing the door handle. I don’t know what happened. I just... I just got so angry, and I knew that I could pick her up, and I knew that she couldn’t shift my weight if I lay on top of her... fuck.

  I grabbed her, throwing her back onto the bed and lying on top of her, so she couldn’t wriggle free. She yelped in shock, and I shushed her gently, watching her lazily as she struggled. God, she was beautiful. I needed to make her stay. “Don’t leave, baby. Come on. Don’t you remember how good we were together? How much fun we had?” I murmured in her ear - but she tried to scream. I grabbed her and clamped a hand over her mouth, desperate to shut her up in case someone came and took her away... and then she attacked me.

  Okay. Technically I knew that everything I’d just done to her was an attack. I’d pinned her down and started whispering in her ear, for gods’ sake. It was practically a sexual harassment lawsuit right there. But I just didn’t see it. I’d just done what my instincts had told me to, by whatever means I could. So when she bit me hard enough to draw blood and her knee shot up and got me in the balls... I felt betrayed. I felt like she hated me (which she obviously did, but whatever). I felt like she was being unreasonable. Of course, what I felt most was pain as I cried out and doubled over helplessly, curling into a ball and sliding off the bed. I managed to open watery eyes to see her shaking and falling over, in hysterics as she sprinted to the door. Not my baby anymore. I wanted to rip the world apart.

  “Maddy!” I screamed desperately, flailing my hand out wildly and clutching at her foot. She screeched and kicked dementedly, falling over and trying to hide in the corner - and that’s when I realized. She was... she was scared of me.

  I let go carefully, trying to see if I’d actually hurt her - but I couldn’t really sit up what with broken balls and all. We’d both hurt each other so, so much. She kept sobbing in the corner, and I didn’t interrupt her. What the hell had I done? Why had I suddenly gone so obsessively psycho?! I was... I was fucking dangerous, wasn’t I? I was fucked in the head, and I could’ve killed my Maddy because of it. What if she hadn’t kicked me in the nuts, what if I’d kept that hand over her mouth to shut her up? What if I’d choked her to death, smothered her? What if I’d broken her neck, throwing her on the bed and pretty much piledriving her like I did? Oh jesus. I was dangerous.

  “I’m sorry.” I managed to choke after a few minutes, after she’d calmed down a little. She opened her eyes and backed away a little, shaking. Fuck. “Oh god, Maddy... I’m so sorry.” I wept, getting up painfully and trying to walk over, just to check she wasn’t hurt, just to make sure she wouldn’t need therapy or whatever, just to hug her and let her know that I was so sorry and that I loved her... but she got up and fled, sprinting out of the door. I didn’t even have time to react before the front door slammed and I heard her car speed away. I leaned against the wall, sliding down slowly and ending up with my forehead on my knees on the floor.

  I didn’t move until someone knocked on the door. I got up, impossibly hopeful - but it wasn’t her. It was one of her friends, come to pick up her stuff. I watched numbly as she packed and shoved all Maddy’s stuff into her car, crying occasionally. Not as much as I thought I would, to be honest, but then I didn’t really see the point. It didn’t exactly help.

  “Haven’t you changed since then?” the friend asked. I gulped, dragging my eyes up to her. She looked almost scared of me too. Everything was a constant reminder of how psychotic I’d been.

  “What? No, it... gimme a chance.” I replied dully. She scoffed.

  “We gave you two days...” she muttered. I blinked.

  “Huh?” I asked, trying to be worried but too vague to really care as the girl just blinked at me.

  “It happened yesterday? At like... one in the morning?” she explained slowly, like to a kid, and I just shrugged as I looked outside. Bright sky. Birds. It must’ve been about midday. Great. I wanted to destroy it all.

  The door closed, and I went back to curling up in a ball. Well. I tried to. I ended up spotting my camera. Anger overwhelmed me, making me hate Maddy, making me want to hurt her... but not to her face. I knew exactly what to do to make her guilty as I washed my face and made myself half-presentable before pressing record.

  “Hello Internet. I kinda have to explain something to you. Me and m’lady...” I tailed off. And I started to cry. Annoying, but I decided to run with it. “Well, she’s not m’lady anymore. We broke up. And it was all my fault, and I’ve never been angrier with myself...” I choked, ending up having to stop the camera and sob for an hour. Huh.

  It was turning out to be more difficult than I thought.

  ~

  1 week later

  Everything had gone wrong so quickly.

  It was like Maddy had been all that’d kept me on track. Without her, I was utterly useless. The day after I managed to finally upload that stupid video, I was on a plane to Tilly. As soon as she saw me and her eyes lit up, I knew there was no going back. By the end of the day I was officially with her. The next day we flew back together, seeing as she’d moved herself into my house without asking. We spent a few more days just hanging out... but it wasn’t the same as with Maddy. Obviously. How could it have been, when Maddy was so wondrous and Tilly was the definition of preppy?

  So I went back to the old pattern. I slept with her, again and again, just to feel something. It still didn’t work. Not since Maddy had been in her place, stunned me with how completely amazing she was at everything. I’d known that Tilly could never compare to my darling, but still... it frustrated me. I didn’t want to miss her. I wanted to hate her with everything I had. But how could I, when she was still my world? I was starting to think that she’d never stop being so important.

  I was right, of course. As soon as she uploaded that damn video, it all came flooding back. At least I had the common sense to fake a shopping trip so I could cry in a parking lot instead of in front of Lizzie when I saw it pop up on my homepage. There was no way she wouldn’t have noticed, I spent almost an hour stranded in Wal-Mart and wailing. Typical. I loved her so much, almost too much to bear. And she was gone, and choking up as she talked about me, and not taking my crap. I was only slightly shocked when she actually said how I’d cheated. What else could I have expected from her? She was so headstrong...

  I couldn’t resist getting in touch with her. It was getting out of hand. Every time Tilly did anything, I’d remember how Maddy used to do it and compare them and sigh as my baby invariably came out on top. I missed her, okay? I didn’t know how to function without her anymore. The least I could do was just text her, ask to meet up. I needed to explain to her why I’d been such a despicable person, finally tell her that yeah, there was something wrong with me. I was depressed as hell. Well, why keep it from her? She wasn’t going to come back anyway, there was no point lying to her.

  So I texted. She said we could meet up, we arranged it together. I was actually kinda looking forward to seeing her again, getting to catch up. In fact, I got home with a spring in my step and a real smile around Tilly for the first time ever. I also got home with no shopping. She noticed.

  “Olan! Where were you?” she gasped. My smile faded, I shrugged nonchalantly. Uh-oh. Then again, if I was single when I met up with Maddy, maybe I’d have a better chance. Just a maybe, obviously, not that I’d been planning to beg for her forgiveness ever since she agreed to come.... oh god. I wanted her back so much.

  “Uh, Tilly, I uh... well, y’know my ex, Maddy?” I asked awkwardly, wincing as I called my baby an “ex”. Tilly frowned, nodding, and I bit my lip. Oh god. “Well, uh, we haven’t really been broken up for too long, and... um...” I tailed off painfully. She just kept staring, too confident, too bold. If that was Maddy, she’d have been worrying about me dumping her or something unreasonably stupid like that - and suddenly I had an idea. An awful, unforgivable idea, but I didn’t stop myself from making it happen.

  “She’s not the most stable of people, Tills. I... I don’t want her to go and top herself because of me, ok? I don’t wanna go, but she says she needs me to meet up with her to talk things through. I’m going tomorrow... if that’s ok.” I muttered. I felt sick. Why the hell had I just said that? I’d betrayed her, again. Was it even a good idea to turn up to see her? What if she really did come back? I wasn’t good enough or nice enough or sane enough to keep her. I’d just hurt her even more.

  “Awww... tell ya what, I’ll come with. Keep you company!” I heard. I don’t want to know what my face looked like right then. It must’ve been horrific, seeing as I could feel the blood drain from my face as my mouth fell open helplessly. No. No fucking way. She couldn’t do that, she couldn’t come with me! I felt literally sick, like I was about to spew all over the carpet any second. Fuck. Why? Why had I chosen the most pig-headed slut ever to have an affair with? Couldn’t I have, I don’t know, been with her first and then had an affair with Maddy?! An upgrade instead of the obvious downgrade I’d made?!

  “Uh... Tills, baby, I-I don’t think...” I tailed off as she glared.

  “Olan, I want to make sure you’re not cheating! I mean... well. I don’t mean to be rude, but you’ve hardly got a good track record.” she sighed mock-sympathetically. I tensed up like I always did when she reminded me of that, biting back sobs. I hated her I hated her I hated her. But I didn’t get the chance to say it before she walked off and left me shaking in the lounge. Damnit.

  I tried to convince her to stay at home all day, almost begging by the time we went to bed. She wouldn’t budge on the matter, and it just made me so angry. I was half-scared I’d end up going psycho on her like I had to Maddy... but obviously, I didn’t. Seems I only really hurt the people I love. I did my best to ignore her, though, as I got into bed after another hour or so of wheedling. She tried to slobber all over me, and I flatly refused. Maybe I was trying to prove to myself that I could be good for Maddy - but the damage was already done. I knew I’d never be anything but poison to the most amazing girl in the universe.

  As I found out when I woke up full of excitement the next day, it didn’t stop me wanting her.

  I was so anxious to see her again, not caring if Tilly noticed my jitters as I wolfed down cereal and pulled some clothes on hurriedly. I couldn’t wait. I knew there was no way she’d take me back, and that I was going to tell her that I had a freaking mental illness and she’d probably freak out, and that even if she didn’t she’d be immensely angry with me for bringing Tills... but hey. It was a meeting with my sweetheart. Even if she did hate me, I wanted to enjoy her company again.

  So we got in the car, and we parked up, and I was practically bouncing around with excitement by the time we were around the corner from the damn café we were meeting outside. I hoped with all my heart that Maddy had chosen an outside table so no-one could make a scene, but I also kinda hoped she’d chosen an inside table just in case someone did. I felt haywire, a permanent grin on my face. But then I saw her.

  Oh god, she was gorgeous.

  Of course she was. It’d been my first thought when we’d first met, and she’d continued to be gorgeous as we dated and fell in love and... wow. We’d been through a lot together. I loved her.

  But she didn’t look too good.

  Not in a fashion way, obviously. I wouldn’t have cared if she’d been naked - actually I probably would’ve smiled even wider if that happened - or in a potato sack. But she didn’t look well. I kept remembering the day before our supposed-to-be third date, where she’d gotten ill and I’d had to look after her and even tuck her up into bed at night. She’d been sick enough then to hurl all over my shoes. She didn’t look much better right then, as she slumped in the cheap plastic chair.

  Her skin looked almost grey. I mean, I knew she was pale, but... really? She looked almost see-through, and the bags under her eyes made me feel sick. Had she not been sleeping well? I knew how upset she got when she wasn’t settling properly. Oh god, I didn’t want her to be sad because of me - but was it even my fault? I mean, she seriously looked sick, almost like she should be in a hospital. In all honesty, I didn’t want to be able to hurt her that much. I didn’t want to see the consequences of everything I’d done.

  I ended up backpedalling majorly, scared out of my mind. This was too much, she was too important. I needed to run away, I needed to pull Tilly aside and tell her to get the fuck out of my life before she ruined everything again, I needed to-

  My heart stopped. Maddy had seen us. I swear I’ve never seen her so angry.

  Just... everything about her was radiating fury as Tilly grabbed my arm and pulled me along with her. I managed a small, terrified smile as I shuffled forwards, but she blanked me. Jesus Christ, I was scared. The way they were looking at each other... Maddy was going to actually murder her. Fuck. This was such a bad idea. And then we reached her.

  “Uh, Maddy, this is... uh... this is Tilly.” I managed to squeak. Credit where it’s due, Maddy at least attempted a smile. Sort of.

  “Hello!” Tilly suddenly grinned, reaching out to shake her hand. I winced as she stared at it, obviously trying to keep a straight face as the hand slowly dropped again. Oh god, it was so awkward. I knew how careful I’d have to be if I was going to stop one of them ripping the head off the other... so when I had to go get a chair I nearly brought the table back with me in my rush. I was shaking, I was so nervous - and for what? The whole reason I’d asked for this was to get my Maddy back, and I could hardly do that with my “girlfriend” watching. There was no chance I’d get another opportunity like this, I wasn’t going to kid myself that Maddy would come anywhere near me ever again after this. Everything was ruined again.

  No-one said anything for ages. We all just sat there like idiots, and Maddy and Tilly glared at each other the whole time, and I just kinda waited for one of them to attack. It was bound to happen (and it was bound to be Maddy). I half-expected a chair to be thrown when a waiter came with a drink for Maddy, but nothing happened. Except that she smiled. I’d forgotten how beautiful she was when she smiled, all cuteness and crinkly eyes. And then Tilly snapped me out of it by ordering a Martini.

  My eyes widened, but I said nothing. Alcohol really wasn’t a good idea in peacekeeping terms... but I’d practically given up on that already anyway, and besides, if I hadn’t had the guts to keep her away from the meeting in general, how could I have the guts to stop her drinking?

  “Was this your idea?” I suddenly heard, looking up to see her glaring at me. I sighed, having to remind myself that Tilly was there and I had to at least be a little nice with her too as I shook my head. Maddy scoffed. “Right. So this is how it’s gonna be, is it? Me and her staring at each other while you watch, and then you decide it’s time to go? So I’m not gonna find out what I want to find out, and I’m not gonna get a second alone with you, because this bitch can’t mind her own business?” she spat. I sagged. She wanted time alone with me? She wanted to find stuff out? Well, obviously, but... god damnit. I’d forgotten that there were reasons for this meeting aside from my leeching.

  “You can talk to him if you want. I won’t judge you for anything... Maddy.” Tilly smiled at her, sickly and awful. She sniffed, and for a terrifying moment I thought she was going to cry.

  “Shouldn’t you go get another Martini?” she finally snapped, almost smiling when Tilly looked offended. I breathed a sigh of relief. Thank god. I needed her to be strong.

  “It’s not my fault you’re a child.” Tilly hissed back, looking around self-consciously. I jumped as Maddy barked a laugh, giving zero fucks as always.

  “It’s not my fault you’re a slut.” she replied venomously, and I bit back a giggle as Tilly gasped.

  “You don’t know anything about me!” she yelled, standing up and nearly knocking the table over. So much for being self-conscious. I watched, happy despite myself as Maddy smiled properly, shaking her head in disdain.

  “No, honey, no I don’t. But those aren’t my words.” she said, mocking me, and I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t understand why she’d do that to me. Who the hell did she think she was?! Why would she even just say it to the one shot I had left at happiness?! I mean, okay, technically I hated Tilly, but still... Oh god, I’d forgotten how much she hated me. I felt like crying as she gave me a cool stare - and then she got dragged halfway over the table.

  “Listen here, you bitch. It’s not my fault that your boyfriend didn’t love you. It’s not my fault he never did. It’s not my fault he looked for someone else... and y’know what? I can see why. You’re an ugly cow. Why don’t you just go die?” Tilly spat, dropping her. I gasped. Oh my god. Oh god, nonono. I’d known someone would get hurt, but to be honest I’d expected it to be me or Tilly. My poor Maddy, she looked so hurt as she landed on her feet, just standing there and glaring with her fists curled. I wanted to scream at her that of course I loved her, that I’d always loved her. And that she should never, ever die. Nothing could ever make me want her dead. She was my world, even then.

  “Tilly. Stop.” I ordered - first time for everything - and Maddy sat back down, staring at the floor. I couldn’t bear to see her so vulnerable. Tilly started to argue, and I just snapped. “Tilly. I said, stop.” I hissed, desperately wanting to run away and hide until everything had sorted itself out. She huffed and eventually sat back down again.

  I stared at my hands, trying to block out the world - but obviously I couldn’t ignore it when I heard a giggle from Maddy’s direction. It sounded weird in the current situation. When I looked up, she was smiling at her phone. I nudged her under the table, trying just to smile apologetically at her... but she ignored me. My mind started racing. Who was she texting? Boyfriend? Oh god, was I too late already? Was she really just here for answers, did she really not like me at all anymore? I nearly had an aneurysm as she took her headphones out, pretending not to notice.

   “And what do you think you’re doing?” Tilly asked annoyingly, and I braced myself for more shouts. Frankly, it was pretty exhausting.

  “Well no-one’s speaking, are they? I can stare with headphones in.” Maddy snapped, putting them in and pressing a button on her phone. I relaxed as I thought I heard music come from her direction, sitting up a little and putting my head in my hands. Oh god. I wanted to go to sleep.

  “Oh my god Olan, she’s a mess. I mean, look at her. Why did you even get with her in the first place? I can’t think what you’d see in her...” Tilly whined. I rolled my eyes, wondering how she could be so blind.

  “A little common decency, maybe?” I snapped. Just... enough. I was sick of her acting like she was the most amazing thing in my world. She could never compare to my Maddy. I didn’t get how she still didn’t see that as she scoffed like I was joking and went to the bathroom. And then Maddy took her earphones out.

  “Whaddya wanna know?” I asked automatically, panicking inwardly. I didn’t feel ready to talk to her, weirdly. I felt like I was going to mess everything up even more than I already had as she frowned.

  “Uh, if you didn’t know if you loved her, how come you accidentally let it slip to me?” she asked, getting on with it casually. I sighed. Had she expected this to just be a ten minute chat? I’d probably kept her past her schedule or something. Great.

  “Look, I didn’t mean to. I just got confused.” I replied, trying not to remember when I actually had said it to that bitch. She must’ve read the guilt on my face...

  “You got confused?” she asked sceptically. I nodded unconvincingly, lying to save my own skin again. Despicable. “So you’d never said that before?” she pushed. I shook my head slowly, and she just stared at me like “sure you didn’t”. I thought she was going to get up and leave, and I couldn’t bear for her to walk off hating me. I told her everything.

  “Okay, okay. Once. We were... well, I guess you know what we were doing.” I tailed off guiltily. She barely blinked, and I hated how I’d made her get used to the fact I’d been sleeping with another girl. “I was caught up in the moment, and she asked me to say it... so I did. I’m sorry.” I muttered. She nodded, making a non-committed “hmm” sound. There was an awkward silence, and I thought we’d end up sitting like that until Tilly came back. God, I was wrong.

  “You brought her? Just... really?” she suddenly hissed. I sighed.

  “I already told you, it wasn’t my idea.” I protested wearily. She tutted.

  “You’re a grown man. You can say no to a bimbo.” she sighed. I pulled a face. No, obviously I couldn’t. God, I was shameful. “Really? What are you gonna do for the rest of your life, Olan? Are you gonna get bossed around by the biggest slut this side of New York?” she asked as she noticed. I shook my head, determinedly, looking up at her. She really was beautiful. She must’ve cared about me at least a little, right? To be concerned that I was going to spend my life with Tilly. But then, no-one deserved to be stuck with that bitch.

  “No, no I’m not. Because I’m not gonna be with her anymore.” I muttered, but I didn’t actually hold out that much hope. How sad is that? I didn’t think I’d be good enough to break up with a slut. God, why was I suddenly so depressed? Maddy sighed like she could read my mind, and I was suddenly reminded of how nice it’d felt to be with her. How she’d made me better. Sure, I’d had bad days, but nothing compared to how desolate I felt right then. I wanted her back so much, more than anything, more than I could stand. I couldn’t believe how quickly I’d fallen in love with her all over again.

  “So what? You’ll find someone else?” she asked. I shook my head, going for it before I could stop myself. “You’re gonna stay alone forever?” she sighed, looking tired. She’d never looked tired when she was with me. Maybe getting back together would be good for both of us, if I could convince her to come back. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t express into words how suddenly all this feeling had hit me and how I just loved her, loved her more than anyone had ever loved someone else. I looked up at her, starting to cry in case she didn’t come back, and she knew. Immediately, she knew. If that didn’t show we were still meant for each other, I didn’t know what did.

  “No. No, Olan, I can’t.” she protested, all tense. I grabbed her hand desperately, refusing to let go as she stared down at our fingers intertwined.

  “Of course you can. Please Maddy, please. Baby, I love you, I need you.” I whispered, trying to soothe her. She shook her head... but she was on the verge of tears. I took advantage, and maybe I shouldn’t have, but I won’t ever regret it. “Please. I came here to try and get you back, and if she hadn’t stuck her nose in, maybe I would’ve done already.” I begged, using wishful thinking to try and get through to her. I’d had such high hopes for us - before I fucked it all up. She sighed.

  “No, you wouldn’t have. I can’t trust you, Olan.” she told me matter-of-factly, just pointing it out to me. My heart hurt as she wiped her eyes and sniffed again, looking miserable. I just wanted to convince her, make her feel like I had just a minute ago. I wanted to rewind to the eight month mark of our relationship, before I’d slept away but after we’d slept with each other. When everything was perfect.

  “I’d never go near anyone else again. I hate her, she’s so fake and... god, Maddy, I can’t deal with this. I haven’t slept since we broke up. I can’t. You’re not there, you’re not smiling at me or hugging me or being my baby. I miss you too much. I can’t be myself without you around.” I sobbed into the table, everything pouring out. She shushed me, looking over my shoulder awkwardly, but I ignored her.

  “Olan! Baby, are you okay?” I heard from behind me, wincing as Tilly’s horrible screech pierced through my eardrums. I pushed her away roughly as she fell onto me trying to run, unreasonably angry with everything except Maddy and incredibly frustrated with myself for not being better at saying words with any meaning.

  “Why do you always follow me around, Tilly?! I don’t love you!” I yelled, half-surprised I’d managed to form two sentences without a slip-up. Maddy glanced around, blushing.

  “Olan. Cool it. People are looking.” she whispered, grabbing my hand comfortingly. I grunted, getting up angrily and wondering whether to storm away or to grab Maddy and shove her against a wall and just kiss her, oh god all I wanted was to kiss her just one more time.

  “I don’t care, Maddy! I love you, okay? I don’t care who knows it...” I sniffed, watching her. She didn’t seem disgusted with me. Just a little shocked, and self-conscious. Her lips were just slightly parted as she watched me cautiously, and I couldn’t help remembering how warm and soft they’d always felt against mine when we were together. “...and I don’t care who sees this.” I finished, lunging towards her and finally pressing her mouth to mine.

  My stomach did flips as I felt her arms encircle me, felt her relax against my chest and fitting as perfectly as always. Her lips tasted like cherries, and she smelled deliciously musky. I smiled to myself between her tongue slipping into my mouth as I felt her heart beat as hard as mine. It was immense. And then I felt her get hit.

  I opened my eyes quickly and laughed as I saw Tilly dive on her, shrieking. Okay, maybe it was kind of cruel to her. But sleeping with a guy she knew was in a happy relationship had been kind of cruel to Maddy. Swings and roundabouts, right? She deserved it.

  Obviously, I didn’t exactly think about her feelings at all as Maddy got up and took my hand, too preoccupied with the passionate kiss I got from my gorgeous, wonderful girlfriend. We started giggling together as we walked away, and I gave out a happy sigh as she leaned her head on my shoulder.

  “I love you.” I whispered as we turned the corner, smiling ecstatically as she tilted her head up and kissed me again, short and sweet.

  “I love you too, Olan...” she replied - but she seemed uneasy. I frowned.

  “Are you okay?” I asked. She sighed.

  “Hmm... oh god. I don’t know. Come on, you’ve gotta understand I’m scared. Am I really that easy to manipulate?” she asked sadly. I gasped.

  “I didn’t manipulate you! I... Maddy, I’m sorry, I didn’t mea-” I started to apologize, but she cut me off, giggling.

  “Ok, that was the wrong word. You know what I mean. I’m worried about trusting you, baby. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s how I feel.” she murmured. I sighed, nodding reluctantly.

  “I’m sorry. I should never have... well. But please, Maddy. I’m not saying you should just forgive me straightaway. I know you won’t forget this, okay? I don’t blame you, I mean, even I hate me for that. But... babe, I’ll never do it again. I just don’t know what was wrong with me. I want to move on, I don’t want to talk about it too much, unless you want to... oh god, I can’t explain properly. I just... don’t want it to be like a casual thing, like an inside joke we can bring up over dinner. You shouldn’t have had to get used to me doing that. I’m sorry. Like I said, I... I don’t know what was wrong with me.” I sighed as we got in the car. She smiled vaguely, looking at me with sad eyes.

  “I do.” she mumbled. I blinked, staring.

  “Uh... what?” I asked awkwardly.

  “You hate yourself.” she muttered, staring at her feet as she put her seatbelt on. I froze. “Don’t worry. I... I can tell a mile off, I’ve always been able to.” she admitted. I blinked. Oh. So... I’d been worrying about telling her for nothing?

  “Uh... I... how long have you known?” I asked carefully. She sighed, closing her eyes.

  “Since that time you stopped talking to me.” she replied. I frowned.

  “What time?” I asked. She raised an eyebrow at me, and I suddenly remembered. “Before the holiday?!” I choked. She nodded, biting her lip.

   “Olan, you barely did anything. You were depressed and you wanted someone to make it all better... and you got confused because I was your girlfriend and why wasn’t I making things better already and why had you even gotten depressed in the first place if I was there, so you looked other places for help and you tried anyone and everyone to try and feel better. As soon as you snogged Bitch Face, I knew you were in a bad way.” she explained. I just kinda sat there, in shock. She sighed as she looked over and saw my expression. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve helped you, I should’ve made you better. But... oh god, Olan, I’m sorry!” she sniffed, collapsing into my shoulder and sobbing. I sighed and stroked her hair, comforting her like I’d always done. Despite everything, it felt pretty nice to do something normal again.

  “It’s... it’s fine. I... god, Maddy, I worried for ages about telling you! Why didn’t you just tell me you knew, baby?” I asked gently. She nuzzled into my collarbone cutely, shaking her head.

  “I... I didn’t know if you knew or not, and I didn’t wanna j-just say it to you in case you didn’t and then I was scared I’d make you worse if you just got it thrown at you and I-I didn’t know what to do!” she  wailed. I shushed her calmly, feeling her sobs rack her body helplessly. I felt so bad for not just telling her. I’d concentrated on saving my own skin as always, and now she was crying. Crap.

  “It’s okay, darling. Come on. Let’s go home.” I smiled cautiously. She sniffed, nodding sadly, and wiping her eyes as I started the car. “Sure you’re okay?” I asked. She nodded again, but I made sure I didn’t take my eyes off her for too long on the way home. The last thing we needed was for her to get dragged down with me.

  We got home, and I watched happily as she walked in casually. The way she just was, the way she sat and the way she talked... it just completed everything. She made everything around her look so much better than it really was, somehow. And then it got really awkward.

  Even though we’d technically met up to talk, we hadn’t opened up at all about Tilly and what I did. Maddy’d been too busy glaring at her. I just felt really odd, standing there and watching her warily as she sat in her normal place on the couch. It looked just the same as always, like nothing had ever happened... but obviously, it had. I’d hurt her so, so much. I’d let her trust me and I’d let her down. We couldn’t just move on from that without talking, in case she started bottling things up. I couldn’t let her feel sad because of me anymore.

  “I’m sorry.” I sighed, going to sit next to her and leaning on her. She smiled and stroked my hair as I nuzzled into her neck. It almost surprised me how much better I felt, and how instantly I was happy.

  “Don’t be. It’s okay, Olan.” she murmured, stroking her thumb over my cheek soothingly and kissing the top of my head. It made me feel like a little kid again, in a good way, but I couldn’t let her just dismiss it. I knew how insecure she could get sometimes.

  “No, it’s really not. You shouldn’t have had to go through that just because I had a mid-life crisis. I’m so sorry, Maddy.” I sniffed. She sighed, rolling her eyes.

  “It’s fine dumbass, I forgive you.” she smiled. I frowned, almost annoyed that she was being like this - but I was mostly worried. Why was she being so blank, so passive? She usually got worked up over the tiniest of things...

  “I don’t.” I encouraged her, but she just pulled a face and giggled.

  “It’s not up to you, is it?” she replied. I started to argue, but she clamped a hand over my mouth. “Jesus fucking christ, Olan. Get it in your head. It’s happened, it’s done with. I don’t want to think about it, ok? I just wanna cuddle and watch TV and eat and sleep.” she smirked. I sighed, nodding.

 “Okay. But I really am sorry.” I smiled awkwardly. She laughed.

  “Apology accepted, if you hadn’t got that already.” she winked, and I managed a grin as she leaned up and kissed me softly. “Come on. I’m hungry.” she announced, getting up and grabbing my car keys. I smiled and heaved myself up, grabbing her and spinning her around to hug her again, and she laughed. “I might need to face the right way...” she muttered, giggling as I let go and kissing my nose sweetly before walking out of the door. I was ecstatic as I followed. It still hadn’t sank in yet, quite how lucky I’d just been.

  ~

  We went out to eat in some Chinese buffet with pretty nice food... but I wasn’t bothered about that. I kept watching her across the table, smiling at how beautiful she looked in the candlelight. We headed back home an hour or so later, and I just couldn’t keep my eyes off her as she drove. Everything she did was like a slap in the face - but a good one, if that made sense.  Her perfection wouldn’t seem to leave me alone.

  It was pretty late when we got home, so we both decided to go to bed. I couldn’t stop grinning as we brushed our teeth and got ready together, no matter how many times she teased me about it, calling me “pervert” and smirking. Maybe it was kind of strange to be excited about getting into bed with her. But I’d been so starved of affection since we broke up, I could hardly bear those nights where I’d lie alone or with a slut and stare at the ceiling, begging my baby to come back and save me. I’d never really thought it’d work...

  I got into bed a few minutes later, and was immediately greeted by a kiss. Maddy was grabbing me by the waist, pulling me closer and giggling cutely as we made out as passionately as we could with both of us all tangled in blankets. It felt strange to be so close to her again, but I was hardly complaining, smiling more genuinely than I had for weeks when she finally managed to gently push me away.

  “Love you.” I murmured, kissing the tip of her nose. She beamed at me, ruffling my hair annoyingly.

  “Love you too.” she whispered, settling down and yawning like a cutie. I smiled at her, and I kissed her forehead, and I accepted that maybe she didn’t want to sleep with me yet. I knew she had a lot of trust problems with me, and I knew they were all my fault. But at least I had hope that we could get through them. She was worth a bit of working on.

  By about a year later, everything was pretty much sorted. She didn’t sleep with me - but that was hardly the most important part of our relationship anymore. She trusted me enough to let me go out, and we were pretty much a normal couple. I’d never been so happy about being with her, I never wanted it to end...

  And I got to thinking.

  When people were in a relationship that they didn’t want to end, one they’d been in for years, what did they do? They proposed.

  The more I thought about it, the more enthusiastic I was. I wanted to marry her, I wanted Maddy to be my wife. More than anything, I wanted to stand at the altar with her and kiss her passionately after saying “I do”.

  So I went out and bought the engagement ring, and I practised what I’d say - and I proposed. Six months later. What? It took me a while to pluck up the courage...

    Maddy POV

  I couldn’t believe it when Olan proposed. I’d always sort of thought that I’d never get married - or meet a nice guy, to be honest. Not that I’m complaining... it was just a complete shock. He hadn’t been any different around me at all, not even being that much nicer to me than normal. I’d thought everything was just like always. I certainly hadn’t expected getting engaged.

  I was doing the washing-up for once, a year and a half after we’d gotten back together, humming to myself and not paying much attention to my surroundings. So obviously, I managed to trip over my own feet. Great.

  I gasped as I tripped, blushing and grinning as he caught me and stared lovingly in my eyes with that little half-smile he always gave me when I was stupid. His smile suddenly turned mischievous, and he scooped me up and threw me over his shoulder. I started laughing hysterically as he spun around and started singing the song I’d been humming as loud as he could, and I had one of those moments where I realized how lucky I was to have him as he stopped and set me down on the couch.

  “I love you.” I grinned as he threw himself down next to me, kissing my jaw gently.

  “I love you too, my Madeline.” he winked, and I rolled my eyes and giggled as he pounced on me and tried to lick my ear. I eventually managed to shove him off, and he slid onto the floor and pouted up at me with those perfectly green eyes. My heart melted. God, he’s gorgeous...I thought to myself for probably the millionth time since we met, and he grinned up at me just to make me smile even more.

  He rolled onto his stomach and pushed himself up so his head leaned on my knees, looking like a little puppy. I raised an eyebrow at him as he grabbed my hand and kissed it, wondering why he was being all romantic.

  “You’re stunning.” he suddenly told me, his eyes big and serious. I blinked, blushing again and fidgeting. Oh.... okay? He was never normally so weirdly soppy. What the hell?

  “Right. Well, uh... I don’t think...” I replied awkwardly, staring at the floor for a bit - but he cut me off.

  “Maddy. Look up.” he whispered. I tensed, slightly scared of what I’d say - and then I was faced with a beautiful ring and a very nervous Olan. On one knee. “You really are stunning. I owe you my whole life, darling. I... I was thinking a few weeks ago, about how I really feel at my happiest right now. About how I never want to stop being myself with you. You’re just perfect, Maddy, I’ll never get enough of you. So... how about making it official? Let’s get married, baby. I love you so much, and I swear that I’ll make you as happy as I can. I won’t ever let anything bad happen again, I promise. Please. Marry me.” he proposed. I swallowed, hyperventilating. Holy fucking CRAP. Did I just get a proposal?!

  “Sure you’re not just trying to get laid?” I found myself joking, trying to slow my breathing as he chuckled and slid up so he was cuddling me on the sofa, clinging to me like a koala.

  “I assure you, the thought had never crossed my mind.” he smiled, running his fingers through my hair in my favourite way. “Although, it might be a fun activity for if you marry me.” he winked. I smiled, my heart soaring. Oh my god. I just got engaged.

  “Well, obviously I’m going to marry you. Do keep up.” I giggled, laughing as he gasped and dived on me. His mouth was so eager on mine he missed a few times. After a while of struggling and his legs kicking wildly to try and shift, I grabbed his cheeks and carefully guided our faces together, smiling as he gripped me tightly and let his lips gently flow over mine. It was, quite frankly, heaven.

  Obviously, when we went to bed that night, it was a little awkward. Not just because we weren’t sure if the other wanted sex or not. Because... well. I couldn’t help remembering why we hadn’t yet.

  I’d kinda expected him to leave. I didn’t want to get hurt too badly, and I didn’t want to get too emotionally invested again, so I just... didn’t sleep with him. I’d thought that he’d go looking elsewhere again if I didn’t hop into bed with him from the start, and I’d find out and he’d leave and I could be safe in the knowledge that he wouldn’t ever change and I could get over him. Obviously, that plan had fell through the moment he actually did change.

  I’d kept it up through force of habit, actually. To be honest, I’d thought that someday he’d just ask me again and I’d say yes, but he’d been too decent to push it. Bless. He was amazing.

  Long story short, we didn’t do it. We were both pretty tired... and besides, not fucking meant we could cuddle all night. I grinned as I slid into bed with him and he pulled me close, leaning my head on his chest and wrapping his arms around me comfortingly.

  “I still can’t believe you said yes.” he giggled, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Have at least a little self-esteem, dear. I love you. Of course I was gonna say yes.” I winked. He smiled blissfully and moved so he could kiss under my jaw, his hands stroking my cheeks and neck softly.

  “What did I ever do to deserve you, huh?” he murmured cutely. I rolled my eyes, secretly thrilled.

  “Must’ve been a murder case...” I smirked, giggling as he groaned in frustration and headbutted his pillow.

  “Jeez. Lemme be nice to you, Maddy.” he tutted, reaching up and pushing my hair back with his face still half-buried the pillow. He looked heart-meltingly gorgeous, and my heart started racing. I smiled as I felt myself blush, and cupped his cheek gently, grinning at how cute he looked when he nuzzled into my hand.

  “Never.” I teased him, giggling as he pulled a face and just wrapped his legs around mine to shuffle closer.

  “Shush now. Proposing is tiring work.” he smiled as he closed his eyes. I kissed him softly, playing with his hair absent-mindedly.

  “So is trying to find the words to say no...” I laughed, unable to resist. He opened one eye and rolled it as he smirked. “Love you.” I smiled as he closed it again, reaching out and cupping his cheek, tracing the lines of his face with my thumb.

  “Love you too. Now go to sleep, Madeline.” he teased drowsily, his cute sleepy voice making me blush as I nodded and kissed him softly as a goodnight. It was perfect.

  We set a date, a few months away. We didn’t really see the point in making the engagement last years, but we didn’t want to rush it either. The date got closer, things were sorted, I bought the least offensive-to-eyes dress I could find. We got the wedding rings. We organized flowers and venues and food and drinks. It was going to be amazing.

  And then it was the day before the wedding.

  I went out to get some food shopping, seeing as me and a few friends were having a film marathon that night at home while Olan went to some hotel. Not that I exactly agreed with him leaving, but y’know, tradition and all. Anyway, I was putting all the stuff back in the car when I realized I’d forgotten chocolate. So, obviously, I started to walk back...

  I barely looked at the couple making out in the alleyway as I passed. It took me a second to realize that actually, they weren’t a couple. One of them was my fiancée. And the other?

  My old boss.

  I inhaled sharply as I realized, pressing against the wall and hiding. I was just so sure it couldn’t be them. I’d thought he’d changed. But when I peeked around the corner again, they were still slobbering on each other, and they were still them. I couldn’t believe it. I’d always known that Bitch Face had it in for me. I’d never really thought she’d go so far, though...

  I forgot about the chocolate, walking past casually and ignoring the gasp I heard. Olan’s gasp. Bastard. He’d lied to me. He’d actually convinced me to marry him, and he’d probably been fucking her the whole time! Oh god. Why wasn’t I good enough for him? The only thing I’d ever wanted was to love him, and for him to love me back.

  “Oh, hey babe!” I heard from behind me. I gulped, taking a deep breath and faking a smile as I turned around. Olan smiled at me, hugging me and kissing my neck. I bit back a shudder. How could he be so casual with me? “Where’s the stuff?” he asked, looking confused. I swallowed thickly, wondering whether to act guilty, like I’d cheated, just to spite him. It’d be easier than just leaving him at the altar, at least...

  “Oh, uh, in the car. I forgot the chocolate... but I think there’s some at home.” I mumbled, turning away again and starting to walk off. He grabbed my arm and pulled me back, frowning.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded helplessly, trying to look enthusiastic as we started to walk back to the car.

  “Why are you here, anyway?” I asked. He smiled.

  “I went to the hotel, checked everything was ready for tomorrow.” he replied. I narrowed my eyes. Of course. I guess he just stopped along the way to suck the face off a bitch with no sense of proper clothes, huh?

  “Did you see my boss?” I blurted. He froze next to me, staring with a confused and terrified look on his face.

  “What?” he whispered, swallowing. His hand started holding mine tighter as we walked, too tight. Like he couldn’t bear to let me go. Fuck. I couldn’t do it to him. He looked so devastated, just waiting for me to leave him. I knew he’d do it again if I let him get away with it. I knew he’d never just keep it in his fucking pants for once. But... god, we were getting married the next day. Maybe he’d just wanted to feel free for the last time or something. I didn’t want to split up with him now, not when we were so close to being okay. It wasn’t worth being angry at him, at least, not to his face. I could curse him and punch him and throw him out a million times in my head. But I just... not then. He just looked so sorry.

  “Yeah, I bumped into her while I was shopping. Stupid bitch.” I smiled, wishing I didn’t have to act okay when he stopped crushing my hand. I didn’t like how the pain in his eyes immediately went. It was like he only realized how much he loved me when I was about to leave him.

  “Oh. Nah, I uh... nah. Didn’t see her.” he muttered, sniffing and wiping his eyes. I frowned. He was making it too obvious. I could hardly pretend not to have seen that, for god’s sake... was he trying to make me dump him?

  “You okay?” I asked. He nodded, sniffing and shoving his face into my shoulder. I frowned, comforting him awkwardly as I hobbled to the car park. What the hell? He’d gotten away with it, for god’s sake! Was he trying to be honest with me or something, like he’d always said he would? Make a new start? Oh. I kinda hoped that was happening... but he didn’t need to get so torn up about it.

  “Yeah, I just... I thought you meant... fuck. Maddy, I thought you thought I was cheating again... I thought you didn’t trust me anymore. I couldn’t handle it if we broke up now, baby. It’s too close to the wedding, to us being happy with each other.” he sniffed as we reached the car, and we got in. I sighed as he immediately leaned over the seats and clung to me again. Oh. So much for him being honest. Still, it was nice to know he cared at least a little.

  “Oh.” I managed to say, letting it hang in the air for a while. There was really nothing else to say. It’d all happened too fast. I just wanted to sleep, really.

  “Do you love me?” he suddenly asked from my shoulder. I nodded awkwardly, and he looked up, all teary and pathetic. Poor guy. “Do you promise?” he asked timidly. Like a little kid. I smiled despite myself, stroking the back of his head slowly.

  “Do you promise?” I winked. He sighed, pushing me away, and I could feel myself start to panic inside.

  “I’m serious, Maddy. Do you love me? Really?” he whimpered. I swallowed. He looked half-crazy.

  “Well... we’re getting married tomorrow. Bit of a hint, right?” I teased as best I could. He nodded slowly.

  “If you actually say “I do”.” he muttered. I froze.

  “What?!” I gasped, shaking. Did he really think I’d do that to him?

  “Never mind. It doesn’t matter.” he mumbled. I scoffed, trying to tell him I’d never do that to him... he didn’t let me. “MADDY! SHUT UP!” he screamed at me, so loud that a few people outside looked around. I stared at him as he panted, wondering how I’d managed to fall in love with someone who could flip out at me like that. God knows, I hated him sometimes. “I’m sorry, but-” he started. I looked up, glaring at him furiously.

  “No.” I warned. “But”?! There was no way he could blame that on me, no way at all! Stupid stuck-up brat.

  “Do you love me?” he asked. I screwed my face up in frustration, hitting the steering wheel and nearly setting the airbag off.

  “At the moment?” I spat. He sighed.

  “I guess I don’t wanna know the answer to that...” he muttered. I laughed harshly.

  “You’re gonna fucking hear it anyway. No, no I don’t. You’re a prat, and a cunt, and I hate you.” I growled. He just sat there, staring at his hands and sniffing. I sighed. “But I know I’ll love you again in five minutes. It’s just how we work.” I admitted. He frowned.

  “Are you sure I deserve it?” he asked. I raised an eyebrow.

  “No. You never deserve it, ever. I should’ve left a million times over by now, all the shit you’ve done. Is it really that hard to keep your stupid dick inside your boxers? Ever?” I shouted. He closed his eyes.

  “I knew it. You’re still mad about Tilly.” he sighed, shaking his head. My mouth fell open. The worst part was, I couldn’t even deny it. I’d always be mad about it, with good reason! But... oh god, the way he was acting... it was making me question if I’d been seeing things before. Or was that what he was trying to do?

  “You’re a selfish bastard! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!” I screamed at him, sobbing. He gasped, reaching out to me, but I shoved him away violently and curled up against the door. By the time I finished, it was getting dark...

  “Maddy?” he murmured. I sniffed, sitting back up and starting the car. I drove home slowly, half-hoping a truck would come and destroy us both. It’d be easier than trying to sort this mess out.

  “Don’t get out.” I warned him as we pulled up outside, going inside and grabbing his packed suitcase from our room. It kinda hurt to say goodbye to him the night before our wedding so casually, especially with us both so angry... so I grabbed some paper and scribbled a note for him.

  See you tomorrow, baby. Maddy xxx

  It was as much as I could form into words right then. My mind wasn’t working properly at all, I could barely think as I put it on top of all his clothes and zipped the suitcase up, dragging it to the door. I averted my eyes from his shocked and confused face as I put it in the backseat, getting back in behind the steering wheel and driving to the hotel. He just sat there for a minute after we arrived, staring at me. I knew he was wondering if he’d pushed me too far this time. And he didn’t even know I’d seen him making out with Bitch Face.

  “Go. People are looking.” I told him when I got fed up. He sighed, getting out and going to get his suitcase - but he left the door open, coming back and opening the passenger door again. I frowned. “Close the back door.” I ordered. He shook his head.

  “You’ll drive away.” he sniffed. I sighed, wishing he wasn’t so intelligent. “Do you love me enough to stay?” he asked. I sighed.

  “It depends what you do, Olan. I’m not sticking around if you act like a spoilt little brat.” I spat. He swallowed, playing with his hands. “Anything else?” I asked, just wanting him out so I could think.

  “Maddy..?” he called. I rolled my eyes to show him I was listening. “Are we getting married tomorrow?” he asked, sounding so fucking lost. I blinked, still staring straight ahead. Well, I didn’t know, did I? I had no idea how to feel, seeing as he’d just snogged my old boss and lied to me, and all the other shit that he’d done was just starting to hurt that little bit more now I knew he’d never change. It’d never stop, all this cheating, if he couldn’t even stop the day before getting married to me. If I... If I said “I do”, I’d be condemning myself to a life of it. What if we had kids someday? What would I say to them when their daddy went and fucked another whore? I had a feeling they wouldn’t be quite as understanding as I seemed to be.

  Was he really worth all that?

  “Maybe.” I replied, giving up on trying to figure it out. He bit his lip, inching forwards. I stayed perfectly still as he turned my head and kissed me, long and sweet and wonderful. I actually managed to smile at him as he pulled away.

  “I love you.” he whispered. My smile wavered a little as I wondered if he’d said that to Bitch Face -but it dropped completely when I realized I couldn’t bring myself to say it back. It was like the words were stuck in my throat.

  “Yeah. I know.” I sighed awkwardly, letting him kiss me one more time before he smiled half-heartedly and backed out of the car, shutting both doors and walking away without so much as a wave. I wondered for a while if he felt as hopeless as I did... but then I snapped out of it and drove home. I had to make sure I looked non-depressed and ready for a wedding in time for movie night.

  It went okay, for a night where I had to act excited while I was dying and watch lame romance movies. Thankfully, everyone went to bed fairly early - although that meant I was left on my own with my thoughts for longer than I needed.

  At about two in the morning, I felt like crap... and not just because I was tired as fuck. I couldn’t imagine going through with it. I just kept trying to run through it all in my head, and I’d always get as far as my vows - but then nothing. If I couldn’t even say “I love you” to him in the car earlier, how could I spit out what would basically sign off my whole life to him at the altar, in front of all those people?

  I sat up, swallowing and trying not to panic. It’d be just my luck to have a heart attack at the altar or something stupid like that. Trying to be quiet, I padded to the bathroom and stared in the mirror for a bit.

  “I do...” I hissed a few times, trying to get it right. It never sounded very convincing, and I looked terrible in the gloom, but it helped at least a little to practice.

  “Maddy?” someone called. I gasped.

  “Uh... yeah?” I asked.

  “What’s going on?” they asked. I sighed.

  “Nothing. I’m going back to bed now.” I called, half-running back and smiling when they didn’t reply. Oh god. I felt like a nervous wreck - I probably was by then, looking back. It was so awful, and it took me at least another three hours to finally sleep.

  When I woke up, everything was a bit of a blur. Getting dressed, getting make-upped, getting driven to the service. I think I only really snapped out of it when I’d finished walking down the aisle and Olan held onto my arm. I looked up at him, and he smiled nervously at me, pulling me into a hug. Somehow, I felt like it was wrong to like how safe it felt.

  The service seemed to pass by too quickly. I watched him say “I do”, saw how happy he was to get to say it... but I could tell he was nervous for what I’d say. He kept glancing at me sideways and swallowing, occasionally squeezing my hand. Honestly, I felt the same.

  And then it was my turn. I barely heard the question being asked, I just looked up at the priest and gulped as I felt my eyes bug and my hands start to shake. Fuck.

  I managed to drag my eyes up to Olan when he squeezed my hand, blinking as he stared at me. It took me a while to register that he was shaking as much as I was - if you could call it a while, with how slowly time seemed to be passing. As I watched, he sighed and looked down at our hands, tears welling up in his eyes. He slowly trailed his eyes back up, finally resting on my face. And he mouthed please at me.

  I blinked, wondering if I’d imagined it. But he did it again, and again, just subtle enough for it to seem like nothing to anyone further away than me. He squeezed my hand tightly, and mouthed please, and his eyes told me that he loved me so, so much. I sniffed, noticing I’d started to cry too and taking a deep breath.

  “I do.” I managed to say, and the priest said that Olan could kiss me, and he did, and I felt happy for the first time since I’d seen him sucking Bitch Face’s mouth off... so happy that I ended up jumping into his arms and wrapping my legs around his waist, clinging to him like a koala. He smiled happily, holding me closer and kissing me like he really meant it, like he’d never slept with anyone else or cheated on me with my boss the day before, or lied to me for weeks on end. I was crying by the time I pulled away, but I wasn’t sure if it was over him cheating or over him loving me.

  After that, we had a few pictures, and then we were shoved into the back of a limo on the way to the reception. I couldn’t stop smiling as he planted kisses on my collarbone, giggling when he pounced on me and pressed me against him until we were nose to nose.

  “I’m sorry for shouting yesterday, baby.” he mumbled into my neck. I sighed.

  “That wasn’t why I was angry at you.” I replied. He frowned, sitting up and looking confused.

  “What? But... why?” he asked. I sighed, shaking my head and smiling for him.

  “I’ll tell you later.” I lied. He rolled his eyes.

  “No, noooooow! I don’t wanna do it again.” he whined adorably. I laughed, ruffling his hair and kissing him to shut him up.

  “You won’t.” I replied, shushing him when he opened his mouth to say something. “There’s no point getting upset right now. We just got married, baby, let’s enjoy it and get drunk as fuck.” I grinned, kissing him again when he nodded happily.

  “I love you.” he murmured. I swallowed.

  “You too.” I grinned as convincingly as I could. I hope he didn’t notice...

  When we got to the reception, everyone was waiting outside. We really did get quite drunk, fairly quickly too. It made us both soppy wrecks, sitting at our table and clinging to each other half the time. He kept murmuring how much he loved me in between sweet little kisses, and I just nodded... but then he got up, pulling me away from my champagne - much to my dissatisfaction.

  “Look at me, baby. Can you act sober?” he asked. I frowned at him, laughing when he pouted.

  “Whaddya mean act?” I teased, rolling my eyes at his worried expression. “Sure, I’m fine.” I smiled. He sighed in relief, passing me a bag. I frowned at him.

  “Get changed.” he urged me, pushing me towards the bathroom. I raised an eyebrow, but went anyway. It was a t-shirt, and a pair of shorts... and sandals. In autumn. What the hell? I stepped back outside (slightly self-consciously in shorts, for god’s sake) to see him in a t-shirt and jeans, and everyone looking. I stared at him, and he smiled as he stepped towards me and handed me an airline ticket. I gasped. Spain.

  “Uh...” I stuttered. He giggled.

  “Same place. Same hotel. Same room...” he told me. “Same bed.” he finished, whispering in my ear and smirking. And suddenly I was sobbing.

  “I love you! I love you so much!” I wailed, hugging him again. He laughed, everyone laughed, but I was deadly serious as I activated Koala Mode for the second time that day. I was so... relieved, somehow. So happy that I still really did love him. I would’ve been lost without him.

  “Shhhh, shhshhshh. I love you too. Come on. We’ve got airport security to get past.” he winked, setting me down and grabbing my hand instead. I nodded, sniffing and drying my eyes as he led me out of the building and into the waiting taxi. We cuddled all the way to the airport, and all the way to Spain - after thankfully getting past airport security without getting kicked off for drunkenness - and I couldn’t help thinking that actually, I was ecstatic. I felt like I should’ve had something nagging at me, knowing that he’d cheated... but I didn’t. I just felt in love with him. It was, for lack of a better word, awesome.

  “What are you thinking about?” he murmured, about five minutes before we landed. I smiled.

  “Wouldn’t you like to know?” I replied, tweaking his nose. He rolled his eyes and smiled tenderly at me, kissing just below my chin so I tilted my head back. “Actually, now I know what I’m thinking about.” I smiled. He raised an eyebrow at me as he twisted and nibbled at my earlobe. “All the things I’m gonna do to you in a few minutes.” I replied. It was hard to not laugh when I heard his strangled little choke.

  “Well... that was unexpected.” he muttered as the plane landed, making me giggle as we got our luggage from overhead and queued up to get out of the plane. I was grateful he’d given me shorts, with the heatwave that hit me as I walked off the plane.

  We got to the hotel. He kissed me passionately, he took my shirt off, I took his off. We got on the bed and I smiled at all the memories that came back as he started to kiss down my body. I ran my fingers through his hair as we kissed. It was going pretty well, actually. Obviously, it didn’t carry on. That’d be too simple.

  “I love you, baby.” he murmured, kissing my inner thigh. I flushed, and he started touching me, and it was almost too good, seeing as we hadn’t done it for almost two years. He certainly seemed to enjoy it when I sucked him off. But... I don’t know. It was like that nagging feeling I’d been waiting for had appeared. Still. He seemed oblivious, and he looked cute when I had him under control, so I didn’t say anything.

  I ignored it for the most part - which wasn’t exactly hard... he hadn’t lost any of his skills - and it was one of the most mind-blowing things I’d ever done, and I felt so in love with him that I thought my heart might burst. But then he came.

  It wasn’t as if I was disappointed - I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to walk in the morning, even if I decided I actually wanted to get out of bed instead of fuck him again. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t made me cum, either... I’m pretty sure he set the world record for that. But... I felt sick.

  The way he looked, the way he threw his head back and groaned my name, it just made me wonder how many times he’d done that for other girls. Whether he’d done it for Bitch Face, how many times he’d done it for Tilly. I was nothing special to him, sex-wise. But if this marriage held up, if we stayed together forever... he’d be the only guy I’d ever slept with. That was pretty fucking special, if you ask me.

  He sighed and kissed me as he finished - but suddenly I couldn’t help remembering how he’d kissed my boss. I was imagining tasting her lipstick on his lips, imagining her moaning along with him and encouraging him to fuck her harder, faster and I couldn’t take it any more. I wanted to rip his head off... but he looked so innocent and adorable as he collapsed next to me, the most I could do was start crying silently.

  “Maddy... god. I love you so much, baby. I love you.” he murmured, resting his head on my shoulder sleepily, and for a moment I thought he wouldn’t notice - but then he sat bolt upright, pulling me close and cupping my cheek gently. “Maddy? Are you okay?” he asked. I nodded emptily, and he started shaking. “Maddy, baby, don’t lie to me. Please. I love you, are you okay? Did I hurt you, did I do something wrong?” he asked. I scoffed.

  “Oh, you hurt me.” I replied. He blinked.

  “Oh. But... I thought you liked...” he tailed off.

  “No.” I sighed, but he took it the wrong way.

  “Oh. You should’ve said something, Maddy, I would’ve been more gentle, I promise-” he started to say. I laughed bitterly.

  “I meant you didn’t hurt me then. That was... good.” I muttered in spite of myself, swallowing as he managed a quick smile. “It just kinda hit me, that’s all.” I carried on, and he frowned.

  “What?” he asked. I smiled thinly.

  “That you were messing around with my boss the day before we got married and I was gullible enough to not fucking leave you at the altar.” I spat. He froze.

  “Oh.” he said quietly. I gritted my teeth.

  “STOP SAYING OH, OLAN!” I screamed. He shrank away from me, his bottom lip wobbling. “Stop it! Stop it, stop it, I hate you!” I yelled, curling into a ball and crying.

  “You did see us...” he muttered, and my head shot up. I pulled my fist back, ready to give him two black eyes for being such a heartless bastard, but he saw what I was doing and dived at me. I shrieked as we fell backwards off the bed, punching and kicking him as hard as I could when his elbow landed in my ribs and I took it as an attack. “Maddy! Maddy, please, baby stop!” he begged, crying as I gave him one last punch in the nose and shoved him off me, scrambling away.

  “FUCK YOU!” I screamed... but he just got back up and staggered towards me. What? Why was he coming back for more?! “I’ll kill you if you come any closer. Don’t you dare.” I warned him. He sighed, sitting down on the bed.

  “Why didn’t you say something?” he asked helplessly. I sighed, crying again.

  “It was too close to the wedding to leave you.” I muttered. He looked up.

  “You’re gonna leave me?” he asked. I gasped at how cheeky he was being, infuriated.

  “What, was the fist not clear enough for you?! Yes! Of course I am, you sly little wanker!” I shouted. His expression turned devastated.

  “But... Maddy, it wasn’t my fault!” he protested. I just got so angry. How could you accidentally cheat on someone? Bastard. Traitor. Fraud. I hated him, I hated him so much.

  And then I knocked him out.

    Olan POV

  I didn’t really know what to do, when I saw she was crying. I mean, I didn’t understand it. She’d been fine all day... apart from that thing at the altar, where she didn’t say “I do” for ages... or when she was talking about what had made her angry at me... oh god. Was she going to leave me? Did I do something wrong, was she hurt, did she hate me?

  “Maddy? Are you okay?” I asked, scared to death as I wrapped my arms around her and cupped her cheek gently. She just nodded blankly... oh god, what the hell had I done? It’d been the best day of our lives just a few hours ago, how could I have fucked it up in such a short space of time? “Maddy, baby, don’t lie to me. Please. I love you, are you okay? Did I hurt you, did I do something wrong?” I asked helplessly. She scoffed.

  “Oh, you hurt me.” she spat. I blinked. What? Had I been too rough with her? But I thought that she liked it like that, and she wasn’t exactly a virgin anymore... maybe I’d been too selfish, or something. But she’d hardly been complaining. I didn’t understand.

  “Oh. But... I thought you liked...” I tailed off awkwardly.

  “No.” she replied shortly.

  “Oh. You should’ve said something, Maddy, I would’ve been more gentle, I promise-” I started, but she cut me off with an unhappy laugh.

  “I meant you didn’t hurt me then. That was... good.” she muttered, and I let myself smile a bit before she carried on. I had no idea of how much she was hurting. “It just kinda hit me, that’s all.” she carried on. I frowned. What? What the hell had she realized... that I was a horrible person? Or was I just being melodramatic again?

  “What?” I asked, unable to think of a more intelligent answer. She smiled thinly, and it terrified me.

  “That you were messing around with my boss the day before we got married and I was gullible enough to not fucking leave you at the altar.” she spat.

  I froze. Fuck. I’d all but forgotten about that, after everything that’d happened since. FUCK. I... I couldn’t breathe. I knew she’d never believe me when I told her what happened. It was pretty fucking despicable even if she did. But... fuck. Why now? Why, why, fucking why? I hated myself all over again.

  “Oh.” I managed to whisper, choking up. She gritted her teeth angrily.

  “STOP SAYING OH, OLAN!” she screamed. I automatically recoiled, trying not to cry. She’d shouted at me. She hated me. “Stop it! Stop it, stop it, I hate you!” she yelled, as if I needed any more convincing. I felt so awful as I watched her curl up and cry.

  “You did see us...” I muttered to myself, remembering how fucking terrified I’d been when I saw her walk past out of the corner of my eye - and suddenly she was trying to punch me. I just followed my instincts and dived forward, wincing as we fell off the bed and she yelled, punching me over and over again. She just wouldn’t stop, kicking me and crying and punching me until I couldn’t even breathe anymore. “Maddy! Maddy, please, baby stop!” I begged, crying as she punched me square in the nose before pushing me away and running away.

  “FUCK YOU!” she screamed, and I winced. I couldn’t let her hate me, I just couldn’t. I got up slowly, wincing as I registered how many places were hurting. She was a good shot, at least... “I’ll kill you if you come any closer. Don’t you dare.” she threatened, her eyes wild with fury. I sighed, sitting down on the bed and sobbing my heart out. For the second time in that same hotel room, actually. It was like we were doomed to repeat the same things over and over. God, I wanted to die right then.

  “Why didn’t you say something?” I asked. She sighed, crying again. Fuck. I hoped she let me explain, more than anything. If she’d just told me, the day she saw us, maybe I could’ve explained. Maybe I could’ve calmed her down and she would’ve married me and she wouldn’t have just kicked shit out of me because she thought I’d been cheating again.

  “It was too close to the wedding to leave you.” she muttered. Oh. I looked up slowly, begging myself not to say it... but it was too important.

  “You’re gonna leave me?” I asked. She gasped, and for a moment I thought I’d been too hasty... but she didn’t let me hope for long.

  “What, was the fist not clear enough for you?! Yes! Of course I am, you sly little wanker!” she spat, all anger and betrayal. I felt broken. Like nothing would ever be the same again, because it wouldn’t. She was leaving again, but this time she wouldn’t come back.

  “But... Maddy, it wasn’t my fault!” I started to explain. She moved so fast, I didn’t see the fist come until it was too late, and the lights went out.

  ~

  About an hour later, I woke up. My head was pounding, and my eyelids felt too heavy when I opened them - but just for a second. Because I immediately focused on Maddy, dressed but sat on the floor against the wall. She was watching me, looking so scared, so fragile. I wanted to hug her... but when she got up again and I saw her eyes flash with anger, I scrambled away.

  “No! Stop! Just let me explain, Maddy, please!” I begged, dully registering that I had clothes on too. Had she dressed me? She gasped, backing away and starting to cry.

  “Please... don’t be scared of me.” she pleaded. I sighed, smiling weakly as she walked over again and collapsed next to me, sobbing wildly. I turned over painfully and put my arm around her, my heart swelling despite myself as she clung to me and wailed. “I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, Olan! Please! I don’t know what happened, I just... don’t leave! I need you so much, I’m so sorry!” she wept. I frowned.

  “You were gonna leave me a few seconds ago.” I replied, my brain working slowly. She swallowed.

  “I didn’t let you explain. And you better have a good explanation, because I don’t want to have to leave you again, Olan. I’m so sorry. I thought... I thought you were marrying me just because, I thought I was nothing special to you. And you mean so much to me. I couldn’t take it.” she whimpered. I sighed.

  “Maddy. What did I tell you, all those years ago? You’re important.” I smiled, and she laughed sadly at the inside joke. “So important. More important than anything I’ve ever seen, you’re my favourite thing in the entire universe. You keep me sane. I love you.” I whispered. She sniffed.

  “You’re bleeding...” she murmured. I winced as she patted my nose gently, wondering if it was broken.

  “I’ll be fine.” I decided, stroking her face to distract her from mine. She sighed. “So... that explanation?” I asked. She smiled, nodding and kissing my cheek softly. I really hoped she meant what she’d said about not wanting to leave as I started to explain.

  ~

  I’d been to the hotel. Just making sure the room was booked. I’d been running around checking everything over the last two days in my excitement. I couldn’t believe she’d said yes.

  As I was walking back, I spotted the Annoying Orange. For some reason I just felt so awkward, almost claustrophobic, so I ducked into an alleyway and waited until she went past. It would’ve worked fine if she didn’t actually go through the alley...

  “Oh. Hi!” she smiled. I smiled back, inwardly screaming as she walked past - but then she stopped and turned around again. “Y’know, I always wondered what happened to you and me.” she smiled. I swallowed, my throat going dry. Oh god, no. Please. All I wanted was to stay faithful to Maddy, just for once.

  “We ended.” I replied simply. She sighed, walking back towards me. I tried not to seem too repulsed as she leaned in and whispered in my ear.

  “I bet you still want me, though. Any time you’re around, come see me.” she murmured, and I shuddered as she pulled away - but then she kissed me on the cheek. I grabbed her arm as she turned, trying to yell at her to stay the hell away from me... but she read it the wrong way. She turned back and snogged me before I could say anything.

  I stood there, pressed against the wall, and I felt absolutely sick. She was just awful, her lips not the same shape as Maddy’s, her stupid tongue down my throat. It was a sticky, slobbery snog, and I missed Maddy’s sweet little kisses that somehow always left me wanting her more than anything.

  And then I was stupid. I wanted to prove to myself that I could stay with Maddy no matter what, and I wanted to make Annoying Orange leave me alone... so I grabbed her and pressed her up against the opposite wall. But then I saw a girl with red hair go past, and I gasped as I pulled away and saw Maddy. FUCK. What the hell had I done?! If she’d seen me then... oh fuck, she’d leave. And Bitch Face was still trying to slobber on me like she’d been anything more than a miserable one-off.

  “That kiss? That was goodbye. I hate you. I hate you so much I want to break your neck, you fucking cow.” I spat. She scoffed.

  “Why? Because of that miserable, slacker ex-sound engineer you just stared after, pervert? You make me sick!” she sneered. I just let go of her, shaking my head. She just didn’t get it, did she? Fuck, she was stupid.

  “Her name is Maddy. And I’m getting married to her tomorrow.” I hissed, leaving her in the alley and walking after my baby as casually as I could, wiping my mouth. Fuck.

  ~

  She sighed as I finished telling it to her, biting her lip and stroking my face. My head had stopped hurting by then, I was just tired and a bit angry with myself for hurting her so much.

  “So then, I thought if you’d seen then you’d let me know, obviously, and you’d leave me right then on the spot. When you didn’t, I just kinda assumed you hadn’t seen us, and I was frightened, and... I’m sorry, baby. I love you. So much. I should’ve been honest with you, when you said... oh god, you were going to leave me right then, weren’t you? When you asked if I’d seen her?” I asked. She sighed, nodding. I welled up. “I’m so sorry, baby. So sorry.” I choked. She shushed me, nodding and stroking my hair. It took me a while to realize something.

  “Why didn’t you?” I asked. She sighed.

  “Because... I knew it wasn’t your fault, I guess. Or I didn’t, but I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t like seeing you all vulnerable, and you looked so sorry, like you knew what was coming...” she tailed off, shuddering. I swallowed. “Anyway. I love you. I thought maybe, I don’t know, that you were just doing it for the last time before marrying me or something. I knew we’d figure it out later... but I didn’t expect to go so psycho. I’m so sorry.” she murmured. I nodded.

  “Baby?” I asked. She looked up. “I love you and all, but... I think I have to go to the hospital... my nose is probably broken.” I smiled weakly. She nodded, teary-eyed again. I sighed. “Let’s just say we were fucking and I fell out of bed and hit my nose on the table, okay? It’s easier than getting you arrested.” I murmured. She giggled, I smirked, and we kissed again.

  “I love you, Madeline Rogers.” I whispered gently. She sighed happily and intertwined our fingers.

  “I love you too. And guess what? It doesn’t depend on what you do. I’ll always, always love you enough to stay.” she admitted, and I couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked as we stared at each other and the sun rose outside.

  “Really?” I asked. She smiled.

  “Oh yeah. You’ll have me wrapped around your finger until the end, you smooth bastard.” she giggled. I smiled back, so full of love for her, and I don’t think I’ve ever felt better. Despite the broken nose and the pounding head. Maybe it just goes to show, huh? Laughter isn’t the best medicine, I should know, being a comedian with depression and god knows what else.

  Maybe love is. It’s definitely better for hope than laughter is. You laugh at a joke, you have hope for the next few seconds... but if you fall in love with somebody, and they fall in love with you... well. You can never imagine a day where things go wrong. Maybe that was my problem. Maybe I should’ve been realistic when I met her, realized that of course things weren’t going to be perfect all the time and that I shouldn’t throw a tantrum when it goes wrong. Maybe I should’ve been more careful with us.

  But, as Maddy says, being careful is for wusses.

  Well.

  That’s what she said the last time we did it.

  If I may introduce the as-yet unnamed third member of our little family. They’re very small, and very cute. I know that, even though I haven’t seen them yet, because I’ve seen their mother. And I’m so glad I ever spotted her, up on that pedestal of a mixing desk, because she’s the most glorious person on this earth. I love her. She loves me.

  And we will go on until the stars burn out, because even though I’m a cheater and an idiot and a complete bastard, she loves me, and I can’t believe how lucky I am. Maybe that sums up my relationship with my beautiful, gorgeous Maddy.

  I don’t have to be perfect, because she is effortlessly perfect enough to make even me look good when I stand next to her. She is flawless enough for both of us.

  I know our baby will be the same.

  The End

[ron-nasu-blog]

rooonika je icon je blog je alles sobs [ha suck it eva]

ik weet het ik weet sorry

[i-am-a-brightstone]

ALL THE LETTERS MMWHAHAHAH

MADDEH I JUST SAW THIS AND REGISTERED THAT IT WAS FOR THE ALPHABET OF THINGS THAT I LOVE AND WHOOPS ALSO IF IT ISN'T WHOOPS TOO

A- Alice In Wonderland

B- Ben Whishaw, c'mon if you didn't see that coming then I worry

C- Cats

D- DISNEY

E- EYES. ALL EYES. MY EYES. YOUR EYES. EVERYONE'S EYES. EYES.

F- Freddie Lyon (FUCKING. FEELS. EVERYWHERE. *weeps*)

G- I'M JUST GONNA PUT GIRAFFES DESPITE MY EXTREME FEAR OF THEM

GODDAMMIT MADDEH THIS IS FREAKISHLY DIFFICULT

H- THE HOUR (OH MY FEELS I'M STILL CRYING)

I- Inside Jokes

J- Jared Leto

K- KIERA (NOT ME)

L- Lilac

M- MADDEH

N- Nostalgia, like when you watch an old program, that stuff.

O- OLD BEAR AKA THE BEST PROGRAM I EVER WATCHED AS A KID

P- Pokémon 

Q- Q (I KNOW IT'S BEN AGAIN BUT I DON'T CARE OKAY)

R- Roses idk they smell horrible but look prety

S- SLEEPING SINCE I DO IT A LOT

T- TANGLED

U- I just like the letter :L

V- it's like a sassy U 

W- Water fights

X- fucking xylophones I dunno man

Y- Youtube

Z- Zoos idk they're cool

THIS GOT PROGRESSIVELY DIFFICULT

[get-up-cowards]

goodbye friends i am gone to pembrokeshire with no/slow internet until tomorrow bye

[lilaclair]

Well, I'm always here for you if you need me :)

Thank you <3

[petergabriels]

Thank you so much!

haha you're welcome :)

[petergabriels]

Do you have a link to the video of this gif /post/38080244168 ? X

Hi :) It's from this video. When I first found this video on youtube, I was literally screaming haha