Emily’s Confession
After the End verse, what Emily can’t forgive herself for.
Hard leather boots crunched against gravel on the road to the church, abruptly silenced when Emily took the main path up to the chapel. She supposed she could confess anywhere, since she was technically on church grounds right now. But she wasn't God. She felt neither holy nor worthy enough to confess to herself, even though she knew that was what she was supposed to do. The scientist pushed open the doors, finding no one inside. No God, no Idris, angels dead. Nothing in Heaven and so little on Earth. How could a confession do anything?
But if Emily trusted anyone to tell her about how to purify her blood, it was Castiel, so after a bit of hesitation, Emily walked right up to the altar, where the dead God was still hallowed and remembered. Then, taking a deep breath, she kneeled at the stool, clasping her hands together and bowing her head as if she was praying. Praying to herself, though? Tears were already beginning to well at her eyes, because there was [i]no one[/i] to pray to, and instead of talking to God she was talking to empty space, to herself.
She started the only way she knew how, as if she were praying to God. "I'm sorry," she said fighting tears even though she hadn't even started talking about the things she blamed herself for. "There are so many things that I have done and so many people I have let down." She'd start from the beginning, she guessed. "I was never a good child. My aunt and uncle wanted someone who loved them in a specific way, and I never gave them that. I could have tried, but I never did. I left them when I got the chance, and I never came back. I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry for leaving my uncle in Seattle, even when I knew about the virus, even when I knew he could be taken. It's because of me my uncle's likely dead. Or a demon. I could have gone back and saved him.
"I could have tried to save my aunt, too. But instead I just watched when she was eaten. Just stood there. All my life, I always thought I was a spectacular person. I blamed Benny for not saying anything when Rourke and the other vampires came. But when my aunt was being eaten, I didn't even [i]try[/i] anything. I know it wouldn't have helped, I had no hunting experience, but I ran away when she told me to. I was just like a child. I left my aunt being eaten alive, just like I left her and my uncle in Seattle.
"Just like I left Jess. Twice. I left [i]my best friend[/i] to die [i]twice[/i]. I couldn't protect her from the demons, but I [i]could[/i] have done something to stop her from leaving in Tennessee. And I know—I [i]know[/i] it's my fault she left. I never told anyone why, because I was too guilty, but—" She had to stop, choking a little. "She left because of me. My—friend, I could call her my friend—she was so happy to see my in Nashville. So relieved, and she followed me around, but I was just—cold. I wasn't too focused to realize that she needed me. I could see it, but I put the greater good—just like Benny said—I put the greater good over my best friend. Over the individual person who is the reason I can form friendships. I didn't attend to her, didn't try to be there for her. I was just cold. I can't blame her for leaving. Not when the only person she was close to was suddenly ignoring her. And so she left, and I [i]know[/i] that's because of me. She's probably dead now, dead [i]again[/i], and it took me such a short time to just turn aside and worry about 'more important' things. She's dead and she's not coming back again."
The scientist kneeled bent over for a while, before overcoming the tears with a shake of her head. "I just… sometimes I get so caught up in what I want and what seems important to me at the time that I forget the people around me. Like all the people under me at the lab. I was supposed to keep them safe. We were supposed to be a family. But, instead, [i]I[/i] was the only one left unchanged? I was the only one alive? It's not fair. It shouldn't have been me. It shouldn't have been the kids, and the ones with family, and the ones who would have given everything, were willing to give their [i]lives[/i] to the cause…"
Now was the last thing. The most recent. The one that stung the most. Remi. How could she start? "I am so sorry. I'm so sorry." Tears were still falling, but they came harder now. "I made so many mistakes. I said so many things—I always do this, I always say things to make it out like the blame isn't on me, and then I tell people these half-truths and they believe me, but they're just not true. Even if I tell the truth, I tell it slant, I tell it in a way that makes people think this nephilim that supported me and gave me hope is some kind of monster. And I wasn't thinking, I took advantage of him. And I [i]know[/i] the self-loathing he must have felt, and I know I hurt him badly, probably permanently. He had to [i]run away from me[/i]. Because I'm selfish, and I don't think when I ought to be thinking. Because I was so stupidly… it was a stupid [i]crush[/i]! A stupid high school infatuation and it got us both having sex and feeling worse than just terrible afterwards. I should have known better. I should have known better, but I—"
The scientist's head dropped to her clasped fists. "I suppose it's good that I'm still suffering because of it. It's good that I still miss him, that I still want my friend back, because I've apparently been forgiven." The tears felt hot against her skin as she shook her head. "I don't deserve it. I know I don't. But for some stupid reason God is dead and I'm alive and somehow [i]I'm [/i]the one who can be purified. But I'm not a good person. I may seem like it to some people, the way I make up for it with kindness, but—Benny's right. I'm cold and I'm selfish. I judge people quickly and value them for what I see immediately. I'm arrogant and believe I know what's best, even when I don't. I ask too much of others and I'm upset when I don't get what I want in return. I'm a liar, and I throw people under the bus just because I don't know how to handle my own emotions. I don't understand how I can be purified. I don't understand how I can somehow earn forgiveness. I mean, I still can't bring myself to worry at all about Lee." She shook her head in disbelief. "I worry about Meg, about Castiel and Crowley and everyone else. But I punched Lee when he invited me in, and I still can't be bothered to feel anything for him. He was tortured, and all I have is this vague sympathy. Who's the monster, really?" she asked in a whisper. "Who's the abomination?"
Head bowed, tears still falling, the redhead's shoulders shook. Why did God have to be dead? Why did she have to be doing this? She stayed there, for quite a while, just waiting for the tears to stop, waiting for herself to calm down. Half an hour later she stood up, knees sore and head aching. Still-clenched fists wiped at her cheeks, and she raised her eyes to look up at the figure of the God that was now dead. "I'm sorry I never spoke to you when I had the chance," she said. Then she turned and walked outside. Got into her car. Started it up, and drove home.
