Anyways, since 2014 is about to end, I wanted to talk about what this year meant to me. I tend to define a year for my relationships with the people I know. This time, I'm skipping that part. Why? Because this year I learnt to value myself, and my thoughts and feelings. That's why this year is defined for who I started as, and who I've become.
I've always been afraid of loving myself, because that would mean loving something that not everyone loves. If I were told "I don't like you/this part of you", I would answer with "I don't like me/that part either" hoping that that person wouldn't think I was a mess because I wanted to.
I've spent my whole life loathing myself thinking that it'll please others. And thinking that if no one came to love me, it was perfectly normal, since I didn't deserve it.
I also consider my past self as a coward who refused to be called coward. I still can't stand that word. But I know I was. Talking about my professional career, I was scared of doing what I really wanted to, because "I'm no better than everyone else, I won't succeed". I thought that, after failing three exams trying to enter an university, I would be a failure no matter what degree I choose. Even so, I wanted to make my dream come true, i wanted it so bad, and I still choose the degree I've been dreaming of my whole life. And I achieved my goal. Now I'm in an university that's far from home, but I'm doing what I wanted to and that makes me so happy even if it was a matter of luck.
Now I think that, when the situation requires it, I can be brave.
Now, I think that I'm not that bad as a person. I have lots of flaws, but I don't really dislike them all, just the ones that make my life harder. And now I can tell I have lots of good things too. I just don't feel good when I say those kind of things, because I don't want to sound arrogant.
Physically, I consider myself hmm not exactly pretty, but ummm not unpretty. I don't know. I like my face but I hate my mouth. And I like my body, I'm proud of it tbh. I have scars on my back, and I used to hate them, but now I like them because they're part of who I am.
To sum up, I've come so far in just a year.
But not all was good. I hate to say this but I have it hard when it comes to trust people. And my social skills are -983534587354. I'm sure I have social anxiety and I CAN'T be surrounded by people more than two hours before I start feeling sick. It doesn't matter if they're friends or not.
Sometimes I think about the possibility of staying home like, forever. But it sounds like giving up, and I don't want to give up. I want to keep changing, until I feel like Im my true self, who's buried in insecurity and fear, but slowly starting to see the light.
