#mage of doomisms

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all my worst suicidality happens before the really bad things happen because I'm psychic

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like if you know you're radioactive even if it's nothing you can control or any actions you take. if you are able to choose not to be around others but you choose to anyways, is the fault not on you in itself? for it all? just because you want to believe people have the right to choose whether or not they end up harmed by you? like what if they really just don't understand how bad you are.

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I have to become completely heartless in the name of love.

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I don't have an "autoimmune" or "neurological" disorder... i'm simply psychic. this is what happens to people who are psychic.

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what is it about when I turned twenty one my brain is sticking to like static. I remember imagining in like a wreath wet grey water day all over. is it because I was there starting over again. is it because it's when the unreality subsumed me again? I was gone but there was a chance. everything frayed now. I could talk. they turned the spring in sickness and silence. panic in coated yellow on green tree leaves. is it because I felt safe in a second but swallowed by the past or future? is it cause I couldn't but tried to kill hope? or the meds swirling around my head back then. it was so bad. it was worse than the damage now. but I want to go back and soak it up. maybe that's always been the point. everything frays because I'm a cat closing in for comfort on the moment of wreckage. there's too many cobwebs. do the pills clear them out like they did then?do we live like spiders now? I could never so seriously not see the past. I clung with my fists. drifted off so far in what cannot be processed. i want to be close again.

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don't call me a pretty girl or you're dead to me

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people need to drag me kicking and screaming into hope and maybe someday prove me wrong