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Gorgeous Eruri by ★苺野めり★ (posted with very kind permission. Please do not remove source or repost)

I really love their dynamic here! Imagine Levi being the maid/servant-bodyguard to one besotted Erwin!

Man I just had the WILDEST fucking dream. The Valar were hosting some weird-ass Dancing With The Stars-esque game show ostensibly trying to figure out who Middle Earth’s hottest couples were [I know. I know. I apologize for my subconscious].

And Manwe is hosting making lots of jokes about how people shouldn’t worry, the Valar aren’t allowed to enter so he and Varda (sadly) can’t win, and every once in a while Namo just drops these absolute zingers and Nienna thinks it’s all a little bit cheap.

Anyway, they have to go through all these dumb contest rigmaroles and Aragorn gets really pissed off when he and Arwen get thrown out but the Valar are like “eh you’re just a lot like Beren and Luthien and they’re kinda too….noble to really be…hot?”

And at the end, of all goddamn things, the three vying for 1st, 2nd, and 3rd were Melkor/Sauron (who argued that he should be allowed to compete since Manwe takes every opportunity he can to remind people that his brother is an EX Vala), Legolas/Gimli, and endearingly, Eowyn/Faramir. And Angbang and Gigolas are getting competitive and murderous and it seems like smiting is near at hand when Bilbo pops the fuck up and is like “uh, excuse me, in this epic hotness death match, I can’t help but notice that YOU HAVE NO HOBBITS REPRESENTED”.

And the Valar have zero idea how to handle this, but Manwe doesn’t want to look like he isn’t being inclusive, but also is like ‘uh, we’ve only got prizes for 1st - 3rd — if you want a hobbit in there, you’ll have to find a hobbit and a couple who’ll agree to take them.”

And Legolas and Gimli are like ‘uh, that’s nice, but not our jam.”

And Melkor’s like “the FUCK’S a Hobbit”

But Sauron goes “Actually —-“ and legit OFF screen I just hear Frodo yell “HARD PASS”. And Sauron pouts and Pippin clears his throat and Faramir can’t bring himself to look at the camera but Pippin and Merry are now standing with team Eowyn/Faramir and the judges are like ‘oh yes this is good. yes.’ And they decide that hotness shouldn’t be ranked and split the three prizes equally amongst the couples.

...Melkor got sulky about it.