How To Achieve Yummy Mummy Status in Just 15 Minutes
Reading these mommy blogs are intimidating and yes I can see how to many of my child-less readers, it seems the only end result is bodily sacrifice and a wardrobe that once upon a time wasn't even cute enough to rock to the gym. Hell, it even makes me wonder if I'm the only oddball mother not actually in my stain encrusted yoga pants with National Geographic-worthy lady lumps stuffed into a smelly old sweatshirt rehashed from the 80's. So a beacon of hope if you may ladies because it's not that bad (I have proof). And for the moms who are feeling stuck in a rut, take it from me, the mistress illusionist and multitasker extraordinaire. 15 minutes. I'm not Ms Noircissist for nothing.
Now I will probably receive a helluva lotta flack for this and I will openly disclose the following now. (1) I have ONE sweet little two-year-old boy who doesn’t need much attention. He is content to play with anything with wheels and roll it along a surface for hours on end. Give him two and you’ve probably blown his mind. I’m lucky, I get it. When I have two or three, I'm sure my appearance and expendable time will reduce appropriately. (2) I have help. Weekdays we have a nanny and weekends I have a hubby that takes over the morning routine. HOWEVER, this wasn’t always the case. The nanny thing only started full-time a few months ago and for a while therein the beginning I was crazy enough to think I could do it all with absolutely no help. So take my following words with this in mind.
Clothes
Choose and buy wisely in advance. Bottoms are bottoms - find a good pair of jeans that are soft, comfortable and easy to throw on. It takes you just as long to throw on sweats or yoga pants. Hate the 2 seconds it takes to zip it up and button it? Get jeggings. No one will ever know. Personally yoga pants are the WORST since they attract dust, show stains and are just overall so much more high maintenance than denim so why do moms resort to wearing yoga pants?!? PLUS you can't hike them up post-pregnancy to squeeze in your jiggly belly, probably irritate your C-section scar (if you went that route) and emphasize the fact that your camel toe now looks like a dinosaur toe.
Buy neutrals and dark grays - overall buy everything in one matching color scheme. This eliminates the thought required each morning. You know if you grab a shirt and a sweater they’ll go together. It doesn’t matter if it’s a ratty college sweatshirt or a nice cardigan - a top is a top. Just don’t wear the smelly hoody. You can find some great soft, comfortable sweaters that don’t make you look like Frumpster from the Dumpster.
Yoga pants and Uggs are only cute if you’re 17 and under. It’s downright sad above that. So stop it. One it makes you look fatter than you really are and two, it makes your legs look like two stubby tree stumps. So stop it, already. Leggings or jeggings if you want to go the Ugg route. They may not be the HEIGHT of fashion, but they will create some slimming lines and help hold the jiggly bits in place.
Wanna step up your game? Comfy, flat knee high boots. Paired with thick soft woolly socks, they are just as easy to throw on and suddenly give you this air of sophistication. See? It doesn’t take much. No one is going to know or care if you wear this with a different sweater/shirt combo for the next 6 months.
Seasons changed? Wear a dress. Maxi dress, flip flops, maybe a belt ... DONE. Most brainless outfit ever. Invest in buying at least 5 maxi dresses so you just rotate them for another 6 months. Hell some of mine are so soft and comfy, I sleep in them. NO ONE KNOWS any better either.
One of the last things us moms ever worry about, but I have a fast and foolproof morning routine that requires only 3 steps. I do have to admit though I have the help of lash extensions which eliminates eye makeup altogether. Step One: Your base. You can do the complicated route: serum, eye cream, moisturizer, SPF or you can do those all in ones like a BB cream or a tinted moisturizer. I alternate between both depending on the day and my son’s attention span. Step Two: Color. I used to just throw on blush, but love the way contouring my cheeks with bronzer looks. This takes all of 20 seconds. Step Three: Accents. I call this accents because sometimes I skip this step altogether and add it only if I’m heading out of the house, in which case these are things I can do in my car at the light. This is for the little things you feel you need: lips, eyeliner, brows - everyone’s got their personal take on this. And voila - done.
I can be ready for my day with a full face taking no more than 15 minutes in the bathroom. The secret of course is buying yourself 15 minutes in the morning and if that means an educational iPad app or a book to flip through - then do it. My son actually watches me as he sits on the bathroom counter and enjoys playing with my makeup brushes.
I really don’t actually do my hair in the morning. However, there are tricks to making your hair look done without investing the time. First get a proper haircut every 3 months. Hair that is shaped and manageable won't need heavy styling. For those who want a little more, there are a few tricks I have. As everyone’s hair is so different though, you know best what works for you.
I like my hair with volume so I set it with Velcro rollers and either leave it in all day (if it’s a stay home during the day going out later type of day) or I sleep in it overnight. For curls, I throw my slightly damp hair into three buns overnight and in the morning it looks like I spent the whole morning curling my hair into Serena-esque beachy waves. Sure they’re not the most comfortable solutions and yes, it does take time, but I do alternate this between not doing my hair at all (ponytail or topknot day!) or my cheat: teasing and pinning my hair back. So maybe once a week I get to have a nice hair day. Better than never, ladies, better than never...
From Presentable to Positively Polished
Ready to graduate to the AP course? This is easy and honestly, my personal treat. Ironically I never cared for my nails before becoming a mom, but now it’s my monthly reward for keeping the little guy alive. First of all give up on the regular mani. It’s never gonna last not with all the bottle washing and bath-times. Splurge on the gel/shellac mani’s but not those scary acrylic ones. Two reasons: they’re dry as soon as you’re out of that chair, they take just as long as a mani would to apply and last up to a month despite all the washing that follows us. Another tip: get them in a light shade or a French mani so any chips that follow aren’t too noticeable. Ditto for those toes. Keep them nude or something understated. You’re just trying to look clean, not achieve Barbie-status. Yet.
Lashes. Get that image of that spray-tanned, Jersey girl out of your head and think about looking awake alive. And the time you’ll save in the morning. You just need an hour every 4 to 6 weeks. Forget the fill in between, you probably won’t have time but every 6 weeks, just get a whole new set. Make a day out of it and get your nails done while you’re out! It’s all about managing your time. Does it make a difference? Yes. Because I wake up happy and when I’m scrubbing my son’s crap out from under my nails, I will at least smile and think, aren’t they still so pretty after 2 weeks? I look forward to these escapes. I’m feeling pampered and getting pretty, too.
I even throw in a bonus. I get a monthly facial or massage or both - depending on how stressful my month or week has been. If I had to travel for business recently then I usually splurge on both. It takes ONE day out of my month (facial and/or massage, nails, lashes). ONE day to get someone (your mom, a babysitter, even hubby) to watch the kid(s) so you can spend the rest of the month looking and feeling good.
Plan on having more kids? Plan their naps together. It makes sneaking out of the house for a quick appointment so much easier.
Sure my morning routine has certainly changed from before my son was born, but it's not like I'm destined to a lifetime of wearing my Juicy Couture tracksuits with Cheerios stuck to my ass to Walmart. On the contrary there are some days when I really have fun with it. Chanel & Loubis are too much for Fred Meyer? Oops, my bad.
