#mako blather

[makoheadrush]

I’m here, and lurking, and hoping to actually participate in fandom-y things soon. I’ve been stupidly busy lately, and (thankfully) finally feeling a bit better after dealing with long COVID crap the past year +

My kiddo is graduating high school next month, and moving off to college in August. I swear, it really did just happen in the blink of an eye. Feeling kind of shellshocked. Proud as hell of him, but the house is gonna feel so empty without him. Sniff sniff.

Anyway, after the dust is settled, I am HOPING to finally buy myself a PS5 so I can get to play the next installment of the FF7 remake. Normally I would have gotten the game the same day as it was released, but I’m still using my dusty old PS4. Hell, I’m still using a dusty old Wii & WiiU as well, ahahaha. If anyone has good game recs for PS5, lemme know. I prefer single player RPGs.

I also love VR games - I do have the PS4 headset, and from what I’ve read, you can use that camera with the PS5, with an adapter cable. (Good, bc I don’t want to shell out $ for both a new gaming system AND a new VR camera). Beat Saber is basically how I get my cardio workout in.

After I finish my 1001 renovation projects on my house , and pull off a graduation party, maybe I will finally have time to write once again. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[makoheadrush]

I feel like I’ve been on another literal planet since 2018. Coming up on 5 years since my mom died. And my dad died 3 years before her. In his case it was kind of a blessing. He suffered so damned much from chronic illness for years. He was 94 pounds when he passed.

My mom was doing great though; her passing was not expected and it hurt more than anything I’ve ever been through in this life. We’d chatted on the phone the night before she died. She’d fully recovered from her stroke that she had earlier that same year. She was driving and living independently once again. And she was planning on coming over for my son’s birthday on New Year’s Eve. She died in her sleep 2 days after Christmas.

I have felt empty and lost for so long, but I think I am finally finding my way back to myself. I shut down and shut a lot of people out for a long time while I was grieving. I am sorry for that; but I guess I just did not know how to cope with a huge and sudden loss like that.

I don’t know if I agree with that adage “whatever kills you makes you stronger.” I do feel stronger in some ways. And not quite so strong in others. But I felt like a stranger to myself for a very long time. Like I didn’t know how to feel or even what to feel. Almost like I was outside of my body. Watching myself just laying in bed for days. Laying on the couch and crying. Or not crying. Eventually I guess I ran out of tears.

Grief is a weird thing. It has no expiration date. It comes in waves. It can surprise you without warning, years later. But most of all, it has really made me look at myself, and life, differently than I did before.

[makoheadrush]

When I started writing fanfic for the FFVII fandom, I was actually home on maternity leave; it was a Thing to Do while I was recovering from a stressful emergency C-section, and tapped out my little stories when I could, while he napped.

Today….that smol child is a few months away from turning 18. He is driving; he is a senior in high school, and he is employed part time. He is an amazingly talented musician and I am so proud of him.

We have been visiting college campuses over the last year, and will be doing a few repeat visits. Soon he will be applying to various colleges to pursue his dream. He may or may not end up moving away from home. My heart will likely simultaneously swell with pride, and shatter into bits at the thought of him moving away from home.

He is the best thing I’ve ever done, and I hope he is able to do all the things he dreams of doing.

[makoheadrush]

Some random early morning thoughts before I hit the weights, heh. My aunt (who has an Etsy shop for her painted glassware/candles, she is honestly soooo good) has been my biggest moral support the past few years as I rediscovered some art skills that I’d honestly buried for decades. (Long story short - one shitty teacher more than half a lifetime ago ripped into my stuff and told me how it was terrible I had no skill, blah blah blah. Y’all, I was fucking TWELVE when that happened, and I carried that message in my subconscious for far too long).

I went back to art school (local classes via continuing ed) at the ripe old age of 48, and that was 4 years ago, and I’m still at it, and still loving it. Mostly taking the online classes now - was in person to start, then we shifted to online due to the pandemic lockdowns. So obviously it’s never too late to rediscover something you love.

Anyway - my aunt who is awesome, is urging me to open my own Etsy shop for some of my art. I don’t know fuck all about running an Etsy store, but it’s worth exploring maybe? Also wondering what fellow artists use these days for online galleries? If that is still even a thing. Years ago I had a deviant art account for my photos and writing but that seems to be a ghost town these days.

Okay, I’ve gotta go workout now. I’ll be working on some watercolors this evening, and might even sketch out some FFVII and FFVIII scenery, we will see. 👀

[makoheadrush]

I have been combing through my old fics - still working on new stuff but nothing major. Really I’m just writing a few paragraphs a week at most, I certainly don’t write at the volume I used to (and haven’t really posted anything new in absolute eons).

I’m realizing now though - I never finished migrating some of my stuff from FF.net over to AO3, which is pretty much the only place I post these days, when I do post. (Does anyone even use FanFiction.Net anymore???)

Sooooo maybe I’ll work on moving the rest of my stuff over later today. Everything old will be new again? Something like that. Hell, I’m re-reading some of my stuff now, and barely remember writing some of it in the first place. I guess some things will be new to me as well. :)

Definitely have the itch to write again, it’s just a matter of carving out some time to do it.

[makoheadrush]

Sometimes I make up conversations in my head based upon...whatever.

“Stink? What the fuck are you talking about, we don’t stink. Now get the fuck out.”

“...bitch.”

[makoheadrush]

OKAY.  Cake is in the oven (for a work function - I, who have cut down on flour and sugar volunteered to bake, wtf?), I’m sweating my non-existent balls off, and....eh.

Gonna put the air conditioners in the windows and hopefully get back here shortly to do some ACTUAL writing.  Or organizing my blogs at the very least.

(I KIND OF want to bring back my Reno, Cloud, and Zack blogs as sides, but.....meh.  Don’t want to bite off more than I can chew, but I also want to like, jump in feet first and just go go go go go.)

[makoheadrush]

Eagerly awaiting my FedEx delivery of a new exercise step, for a high intensity cardio program I’m starting in a week.  I’m finishing up Beachbody’s LIIFT4 which I LOVE, and has really helped me build up a lot of muscle and upper body strength.  Seven weeks in, and I can actually do real military push-ups now, not using my knees, either.  

Next up is Transform 20 with Shaun T.  I am hoping to get my abs into shape; while I’ve definitely lost weight there, much toning is needed.  T20 is only 20 minutes a day, but it’s 6 days a week, so there’s a commitment.

I also just registered for my first 5K in like....5 years.  I’m determined to stay as physically active as possible, it’s honestly been the best way for me to work off stress and anxiety.  And I’ve got a lot of stress, as always tbh.  I think last year is when I really hit rock bottom - I was depressed and out of shape, I had to move in with mom temporarily to care for her while she had her stroke, and I am obviously not a trained nurse or caregiver. So it didn’t go well at all.  I had a nervous breakdown, felt I couldn’t go on, and it was only then that I realized I needed to take care of myself.  I couldn’t possibly take care of my mom while I was falling apart myself.  For a while I felt guilty about that, like I’d failed my mom.  Maybe a small part of me still thinks that, but I do know I did my best for her.

Just remember, self-care is not selfish.  It’s not.  If you don’t take care of you first, you’ll suffer for it down the line.  I learned the hard way.