Eurovision 2010s: 95 - 91
95. Duncan Laurence - “Arcade” the Netherlands 2019
2019 will forever go down as the year where Europe learned all about piano ballads and bisexuality, which we have Duncan to thank for! Inclusive icon <3 And let us be honest, “Arcade” was pretty awesome. It’s a wonderfully immersive moody ballad that connects deeply on a personal level, peppered with instantly memorable gutpunchers (”Loving you is a losing game” is both an amazing line and painfully relatable). Excellent backdrop and camerawork gave the song a vibe of palpable desolation. Major props of this camera shot near the end:
^ this is a moneymaker. Well done, Hans Pancake.
And the most important thing is, ummm, hello, the Netherlands will host Eurovision 2020, meaning I can attend next year in person without bankrupting myself. 😍
However, despite the fact that “Arcade” is a pretty great entry overall, it has one GIANT problem: The act is terrible, and I *will* ::cracks knuckles:: proceed to roast the shit out of it. 🤜😤🤛
Now, I understand what Hans was going for his usual tryhard pseudo-cinematic spiel. However, -and independendly from my general distaste for the ‘White Guy With a Piano’ trope (this is 2019 how is anyone still gushing over them like they’re a fucking novelty O__O)-, sitting down is always a losing game. It is a momentum-slayer, and therefore never a good idea. The fact that they kept on tweaking the camera angles during the rehearsals says enough, honestly. The Dutch tried to amend the lack of dynamism with that stupid glowing orb and I mean:
Duncan is actually a fairly attractive dude but that lightning makes him look as if he’s terminally ill. You know when you DON’T get bad lighting angles such as this? When you stand up, like a normal fucking person. 😤
Many others also critically panned that (let’s be honest) ugly-as-sin piano. The Dutch delegation responded with the usual pretentious rubbish:
um sorry wrong shitpost, hang on... ah, found the right one:
and I mean, who the fuck cares? Just because it’s ~vintage~ doesn’t mean it’s not ugly. Just because it’s ~vintage~ doesn’t mean we have to like it? Not a single casual fan will recognize that piano as a vintage prop, just as an hideous one, WHICH. IT. IS. The pretentious elitism/glaring stupidity behind it all just makes me wanna SPITT!! 😤 Karma quickly caught up with the Dutch arrogance however when their 56% or whatever ridiculous winner odds they had amounted to... Third place with the juries and Second Place with the audience. 😈 and “Soldi” becoming the europe-wide summer hit instead of “Arcade” 😈 In the immortal words of Kim Kardashian, #ItIsWhatSheDeserves.
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94. Lucie Jones - “Never give up on you” United Kingdom 2017
[2017 Review here]
It seems the UK is limited to ONE great entry per decade, but Lucie definitely deserving of love. “Never give up on you” transformed from the most boring song ever into a genuinely gripping support song and well, it’s really great? Lucie is a cherub-voiced seraph who carries this song into the highest powerballad eschelons and that’s no easy feat!
Unfortunately, the UK, like always, fell victim to anti-Brexit sabotage causing them to flop!!
Damn’ you Remainers, will the bullying EVER END???? and that was the UK,
Honestly, I expected much worse given how blasé the BBC usually is towards Eurovision? It’s really not the fault of their entrants though, who always give their all and get screwed over through circumstance. Yes, “Brexit” is the buzzword being tossed around as a humorous excuse for the non-stop British failures, but let’s be honest we all know it’s just the BBC’s attitude towards ESC. Perhaps the Big 5 should have a Brexit of its own...x
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93. Amir - “J’ai cherché” France 2016
Shock boot? Well, no I think #93 is actually a really good spot for Amir. After booting most glorious trashfests that are bad songs, it becomes time to slowly boot the good songs that aren’t trashy. 😭
However, I do recognize Amir as a well-deserving ~Legendary~ French entry. It feels like a long time ago, but France was one of the most underperforming countries in Eurovision until Amir strolled along to capture everyone’s hearts with his irresistable magnetism <3 “J’ai cherché” is an infectuously cheerful song, with it’s toe-tapping goodness brightening up my day every time I listen-listen.
That said, I DO have to put my big boy panties on and make a big boy decision: We’re closely making way towards the god-tier and the further we go, the less “this is a good song and little else” is going to cut it. THANK YOUOUOUOUOUOU FOR MAKING-MAKING FRANCE STRONG AGAIN, THOUGH ^__^
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92. Sunstroke Project - “Hey Mamma” Moldova 2017
[2017 Review here]
GLORIOUS MEMELORDS <3
It came as a surprise at the time, but retroactively we all should’ve seen Sunstroke’s top 3 finish from lightyears away. Other than Olia, “Hey Mamma” has all the ingredients that made “Runaway” good, but improves them. There is EPIC SAX
There is instant hilarity of their trademark non-English (”I AM NOT THAT UNFOUNDED BOY” lmao what???)
There is a ridiculous underlying storyline (song about an angry mother-in-law / pre-marital sex <3)
There are wacky visuals, such as this ICONIC leg choreography
or the JUST AS memorable bridesmaid twist:
It really just is the old Moldovan adage of transforming nothing into EVERYTHING using a few very clever stage-hacks, but brought to a whole higher level. 😍 Sometimes I wonder whether we are worthy of their presence, but as long as Moldova continue blessing us with their staging magic, Eurovision will be a better place.
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91. Malcolm Lincoln & Manpower 4 - “Siren” Estonia 2010
One of the things that make Estonia my favourite country in Eurovision (as well as a top 5 country in *general*), is that they are MASTERS of the alternative genre. 😍 Eesti Laul is so fun because of... um well, mostly because of all the ridiculously named bands that compete in their NF (Vanilla Ninja <3 Tenfold Rabbit <3 Facelift Deer <3), but also because it’s a place for refuge for indie darlings, quite unlike any other ESC country.
However, “Siren” marks the only time one of said indie darlings actually won Eesti Laul and that makes them very special to me. The song is a beautiful, haunting, touching ethereal soliloquy on how lame life has been and the yearning for the strength to carry on... which, I don’t know about you, but GOSH SO RELATABLE!!!
Further enhanced by the fact that Robin Jukhental is a lovable dork, hopping around the stage as an avatar of social anxiety, as his second-in-command absolutely WRECKS that piano <3. In other words, the exact type of entry the audience would despise but I am smitten by. ANGELS <3
