Grunkle Stan was Honest 4.5
Grunkle Stan is Honest
Week 4, day 2
Gnasty’s
Shermie knew he was going to a gnome bar and had workshopped his approach. He talked with Stan and his Pa on the way over to figure out as many ways as possible to talk to the patrons. Which one he would use would depend on the kind of bar this was. They had even picked some mushrooms and thimbleberries as bribes. Or what they thought were Thimbleberries.
Unfortunately, there was one key detail they had all forgotten.
It was a gnome bar, made for gnomes…
Who were two feet tall, counting the hat.
Shermie stared at the tiny door at the base of the tree and the tiny windows that provided a view of the inside. He measured it against his shoulders and found there was no way he could fit through it. If the door were this bad, the inside would be even worse.
“Okay, here’s hoping this is the kind of bar where this works.”
Shermie walked up to the window and opened it before shoving his head through it to survey the inside.
The room looked like a large burrow with walls of packed dirt. Said walls were lined with wooden shelves holding decorative pots. Dartboards and pictures also gave this place a homey feel. Several tree stumps were scattered around to act as tables, with the chairs ranging from rocks to spools of rope. The bar was a log with a large barrel labeled ‘Nömbrad” behind it. The barstools were a couple of abnormally large mushrooms.
As for the patrons, they all appeared to be gnomes and forest creatures. There was a gnome in the back playing the ‘knife between the fingers’ game with an acorn. A fox was having a drinking contest with a badger. There was even a female gnome serving drinks, and a beardless gnome working the bar.
CRASH
Said bartender was now looking between the broken window on the ground and Shermie’s face in the hole where it once rested with shock on his face.
“WE’RE UNDER ATTACK!”
Shermie’s eyes widened in shock at that.
“No! I’m not a threat! My name is Shermie, and-“
“YOU!”
Before Shermie knew it, a gnome with a very dirty beard threw himself at his face through the window and latched on tight. The figure then began punching him repeatedly in the eye while his foul-smelling beard started to suffocate him.
“GET! OUT! OF! HERE! PINES!”
Shermie stumbled around as he tried to pull the gnome off his face, eventually tripping and falling backward over a rock.
Luckily, the gnome on his face soon jumped off and allowed him to get a few breaths. Shermie gasped at the clean air as he rolled to the side in an attempt to see what was going on. He was treated to the sight of the gnome who attacked him being held by two gnomes while the bartender stood in front of him.
“Okay, can you tell me why you attacked this human? I know he broke a window, but at least ask him to pay for it before hauling the guy.”
The dirty gnome glared at Shermie.
“That’s Shermie Pines, brother of the scientist who has been bothering us for so long!”
The bartender groaned before rolling his eyes.
“So what? You know the rules. If you can pay for the drinks and don’t start anything in the establishment, anyone is welcome.”
He then glared at the gnome in question.
“And you just started something. Now pay the fine or get kicked out.”
The gnome glared at the bartender for a few seconds before glancing at the downed form of Shermie. He then angrily ripped his arms away from the two holding him, shoved one into a satchel at his side, and handed some berries and mushrooms to the bartender.
“If he drinks here, I won’t! And you can bet the same will go for everyone else who has beef with the scientist! Are you willing to risk your business for him?”
Shermie got enough of his breath and wits back to interject.
“As I told that large group of gnomes yesterday, I am sorry for the actions of my idiotic brother. I don’t approve of what he did, and I am willing to leave immediately after you hear me out.”
The bartender turned to look at him with a stern face.
“Very well. Say your peace.”
Shermie sat up and addressed the bar patrons who had left the bar to watch the show.
“I’m Shermie Pines, brother of Stanford Pines. I’m looking for where he might have hidden his journals or anything else that might help me find him. Does anyone know anything?”
The patrons began mumbling to each other, but no one stepped forward.
Shermie sighed before pulling out the poster Stanley had given him earlier.
“Okay, thank you for your time. If anyone learns anything, there is a keg of beer as a reward. The info is on here.”
He handed the poster to the bartender, but the bartender backed away with a fearful expression. The Dirty Gnome, on the other hand, suddenly got a Grinchy grin that made Shermie nervous, especially when he turned to a part of the woods and started shouting.
“NO, SHERMIE PINES THE HUMAN! WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THE HUMAN ALCOHOL YOU ARE OFFERING US! AS WE TOLD YOU THE LAST THREE TIMES, THIS IS NOT THAT TYPE OF ESTABLISHMENT! NOW LEAVE US ALONE!”
He then grabbed the bartender by the shoulder and steered him back into the bar. The other patrons quickly followed him inside before slamming the door shut. Seconds later, metal shutters slammed closed around every door and window.
“Um, what was that about?”
WHEE-WHOO
WHEE-WHOO
WHEE-WHOO
“GPD! You're under arrest for offering to distribute human alcohol!”
Lunch
When Stanley was the first to get back to the house, he wasn’t worried. He quickly finished up talking with the lone unicorn at the glade in under five minutes, while the bar and bad part of the forest had more people Pa and Shermie had to talk to for info.
After thirty minutes had passed, he started to get a little worried, but it still wasn’t that bad. It was a full hour walk from that part of the forest to the Shack, so of course it would take them a while to get back here after a long enough conversation.
But when Stan had finished making and setting up lunch for all three of them, and they still hadn’t shown up, that was when he decided it was okay to be worried. He decided that if they hadn’t shown up before he finished eating his lunch, he would start looking for them.
Hopefully, they would be easier to find than Ford’s journals.
KNOCK
KNOCK
KNOCK
Stan looked up in surprise at the knocking at the door. Anna and Mary weren’t due to come over and swap boxes yet; his family would barge in through the unlocked door. He had already paid off all his debts and bills to anyone who would be coming for money.
There were a few terrifying reasons people would be knocking at his door when his brother and Pa were missing, but he refused to think about them.
With a nervous swallow and a Showman Smile plastered on his face, he opened the door.
At first, he thought it was a ding-dong ditch, but then he looked down to check if Mary had come over alone. She did not, but there was a gnome on his doorstep. But unlike the other gnomes he had seen, this one was wearing a uniform of some kind with a badge pinned to the front.
“Stanley Filbrick Pines? Brother of Shermie Pines and son of Filbrick Pines?”
Stanley didn’t know when it happened, but he found himself holding the gnome at eye level as he bombarded the little man with question after question about the welfare of his missing family.
When he finally stopped to take a few breaths, the gnome gave him an annoyed look.
“They are okay, and I will gladly tell you about them if you would put me down.”
After Stanley sheepishly did that, the gnome smoothed out the wrinkles in his vest before pulling out a small notebook and opening it.
“The Gnome Police Department arrested them. Your father for assaulting a denezin unprovoked, and your brother for attempting to sell human alcohol. Would you be willing to come down to the station and retrieve them?”
Stan just stared at the gnome in shock after hearing that. After his mind finished processing what he had said, three things became clear.
First, gnomes had a police force. This meant there was a system of laws in the forest separate from the rest of the valley. Meaning they would have to tread more carefully than they thought when looking for the journals and Ford.
Second, there was an organization that they could ask for help in finding Ford and the Journals. Even if they didn’t like Ford, they might be willing to help find him, even if it was so they could arrest him for various crimes against the gnomes.
Third, Filbrick and Shermie were being arrested. That meant that for once, Stanley had to bail them out of trouble with the law.
This was going to be fun.
GPD Station
Filbrick and Shermie sat crouched down inside two of the large dog kennels the GPD used as jail cells. The rest of the station was inside a massive hollowed-out tree. He could see dozens of officers rushing around, filling out paperwork, bringing in creatures in handcuffs, and talking to creatures in lines and offices.
He wasn’t sure what was worse. That he was being arrested for getting information on Ford, that he was being arrested by gnomes, or that he was waiting for Stanley to bail him out of trouble with the law.
He was leaning towards the latter, mainly because he was 50% certain Stan would just leave him here. Shermie being locked up with him made that less likely, but Stanley could always just get Shermie out and leave him to rot.
Just then, the doors opened to admit Stanley Pines, clad in his suit, carrying a briefcase, wearing a massive smile and a twinkle in his eyes that said he was going to enjoy this thoroughly. The grin and twinkle got even bigger when he saw Filbrick in the dog kennel, and he stopped to take a Polaroid camera out of his briefcase.
Well, at least-
Like the universe wanted to taunt him, Caryn walked in shortly after Stanley, stopped, stared at him, and started giggling like a schoolchild.
What did he do to deserve this? Well, if the universe was making him suffer, maybe it could do so by returning Stanford so he could also get his licks in?
Unfortunately, while the universe liked making the Pines miserable, it didn’t do so like that.
The two other Pines waited in line to reach the front desk. When they arrived, Stanley spoke with the receptionist for a few minutes. He was escorted back to speak with Filbrick and Shermie, though an officer stayed by his side.
“Hi, Pa, ready for me to bail you out of the mess you got into with the law? Man, if only you could learn to better control your temper. Not every problem can be solved by punching it. You need to learn to use your words.”
Filbrick Sighed as Stanley repeated every line he had ever told him when he had to bail his son out of trouble. He went on for five minutes before moving on to Shermie.
“And Shermie, distributing illegal alcohol? Don’t you know you need to obey and respect the law? Drugs are bad, and you should stay away from them. Don’t you want to be a good role model for Judd?”
This went on for another five minutes as Shermie got his own batch of repeated words thrown at him. But eventually, Stan got tired of milking this for his amusement and moved on to helping them.
“Well, I have good news, bad news, and great news. The great news is that the police are willing to help put up missing-person posters for Ford and the Journals in the area. I’ll just need to give them one to run through the copier.”
Well, anything that would help them find Ford faster was a plus in his book.
“The bad news is that they don’t know anything about where he hid the journals or what happened to him. Apparently, he began staying outside their jurisdiction a few years ago, and they had no reason to pursue him.
“I also talked to the bar patrons as well as the Gremloblin. However, I needed a translator for that last one. Apparently, her species is like Chewbacca in that they can understand English but can’t speak it due to their vocal cord and mouth development. None of them knew anything, but with some six-packs of soda as a bribe, they agreed to keep a lookout and put up a few of our posters.”
Great, not only did he beat up a lady for nothing, but Stanley succeeded where he had failed. Filbrick was never going to hear the end of this.
“The good news is that as soon as you guys pay a fine, you’ll be let out.”
“Fine. How much is it?”
Stan turned to the officer beside him, who shrugged.
“The valley doesn’t have a standard currency. We’ve tried a few times to set one up, but no one was willing to stop using their original currency, and the movements fizzled out after a few months. Here is a list of options we’ll accept for both; you can also offer alternatives. We’ll have to verify them before accepting them, of course.”
The officer then handed Stan a few pieces of paper for examination.
“Ok, let's see what we can offer. Thimbleberries, mushrooms, fairy dust, unicorn hair-“
“Wait, did you say unicorn hair? Weren’t you talking with a unicorn earlier?”
Stanley shook his head.
“I am not asking her for hair. Not only did she make it clear she would only give it to someone ‘pure of heart’, but I was barely able to talk with her without beating her to a pulp. The second I go back there is the second we have three Pines in Gnome Jail.”
Filbrick didn’t fully agree with his logic, but didn’t want to fight with him about it just yet.
“Oh, here’s something. Embarrassing blackmail video.”
The officer with them smiled when he heard that.
“Yeah, that’s a favorite all around. We film the subject doing something embarrassing while their victims watch. Depending on the severity of the crime, we might let the victims take a VHS tape home or make it publicly available. 30% of our budget comes from those videos.”
Oh no.
The GPD film studio
Filbrick stood before a backdrop, dressed in a ridiculous outfit he had seen in a music video his wife had forced him to watch.
Before him was a gnome with a camera, his family, the bar patrons and employees, and the Gremloblin he beat up.
“Can’t I just give them my gold chain like Shermie? Or just stay in jail?”
“Shermie was just offering to sell human alcohol. You beat up an innocent Denezin and attacked the police. Your chain wouldn’t cover your potential fine.”
“And the jail sentence for this is several months. Do you want to leave the pawn shop unattended that long?”
“And consider this payback for kicking me out. Now play that music!”
A gnome near a boombox nodded before hitting play.
Filbrick sighed as the song began, before singing along half-heartedly.
17-15-6-12, 21-12-9-5-19 25-9-3-6 19-25-19-5
12-19-4 4-16-23-4 6-16-25-4-16-11 17-19-4 15-10-4-9 25-9-3
20-9-10’4 4-6-25 4-9 18-15-17-16-4 15-4
4-16-19-6-19 23-15-10’4 10-9-4-16-15-10-17 4-16-23-4 25-9-3 21-23-10 20-9
6-19-12-23-26 25-9-3-6 11-15-10-20
12-23-25 22-23-21-13 23-10-20 17-6-9-9-2-19 1-15-4-16 11-15-10-19
Hello, Gravity Falls! As part of my 2026 New Year's Resolution, I am going to try to post one 2k or longer chapter of the same fic once a week for the entire year. Hopefully, you’ll see a chapter of this fic every Saturday.
This is my second attempt at this fic, following my last one, which was more of a collection of snippets loosely connected, without any attempt at a coherent timeline. For this attempt, I have written an outline and will be doing my best to follow it.
Below are links to my Patreon, Ko-fi, FanFic, AO3, and Tumblr accounts for those interested.
Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/user?u=10132890
Kofi: https://ko-fi.com/1228248
Fanfic.com: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/14536730/1/Grunkle-Stan-was-Honest
AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/76999251/chapters/201530516
Tumbler: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/brianedner
I am also doing fanfic info dumps, think wiki articles that go one episode at a time, with some compilations at the end on certain topics that are sorted by episode.
Fanfic info dumps here: https://www.deviantart.com/1228248/gallery
