“Fuck me deeper” - a guide to communication during sex
Let’s face it: sex can be super intimidating. If you’re having sex with someone who’s had more experience than you it can be doubly intimidating. Speaking up and asking or telling your sex partner what you want during sex can be scary. Maybe you don’t want to bruise their ego. Maybe you just genuinely don’t know what to say. Let’s talk about how common these fears are and how to work through them.
When I started dating my current partner, he told me that none of the other girls he’d been with had masturbated. At all. This blew my mind, of course. I want to live in a world where every girl feels comfortable exploring her own body without feeling dirty or ashamed. My partner told me that because these girls had never had orgasms on their own, they didn’t know what to tell him to do. I just have to say: masturbation is EVERYTHING! Every person likes different things and you will probably have sex with multiple people in your life, each of whom will also like different things. Knowing what movements, rhythms, and motions get you going is so important. (Check out my post on female masturbation here if you’re stuck on how to get yourself to that big O!) I don’t think it’s that the majority of women are afraid to ask for what they want; I think a lot of women simply don’t know. Masturbation can help you feel empowered because you are taking control of your own pleasure - and it’s even better when you get to spread that knowledge to your sex partner(s).
I want to live in a world where every girl feels comfortable exploring her own body without feeling dirty or ashamed.
So, you’ve masturbated. You know what feels good. Awesome. Now how to ask for it in bed? Regardless of whether you’re having sex with a one night stand or your long term partner, I believe both people should be putting in the effort to make themselves and the other person feel good. I tend to go for the straightforward phrases like, “Keep doing that,” “Gentle with your tongue,” or “Fuck me deeper.” These are simple and get your point across.
If you’re worried about hurting your partner’s feelings by critiquing them, stay away from phrases like, “That doesn’t feel good,” or “You’re not doing it right.” Instead, phrase things positively, like, “I liked what you were doing before,” or “Use less pressure.” These are constructive directions that help them change what they’re doing instead of just making them feel inadequate.
Increase your breathing as they do things you like and moan once they start doing something you love.
If descriptive phrases like these are too much for you, no worries. I recommend being really purposeful with your breathing and moaning. In heterosexual porn, the woman often starts screaming as soon as the guy enters her, but in real life it doesn’t really help your partner to start making those sounds right away (unless, of course, they’re so good that they truly are making you scream immediately, in which case please write in and tell me all about it). Increase your breathing as they do things you like and moan once they start doing something you love. It’s sort of like a non-verbal game of hot and cold. Your partner will get the hint based on your sounds and you’ll get to hear yourself build up to an orgasm or to a lot of pleasure. Win-win!
Communication, verbal or otherwise, is so important in every type of relationship. Exploring your own body will help you know what makes you feel good. Talking to your partner before, during, or after sex about what was good and what could be better will make sex more enjoyable for both of you the next time around. Good luck and don’t forget to write in with any questions, comments, or stories!
Xoxo, Bea
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