#manda baaaaws

[rashiira]

I’M SO

MAD AT MYSELF.

I got a heads up last night that the Northern Lights were likely to happen and be visible in my area at storm levels into the hours of the morning. I was really excited, because for once, we had clear skies and the moon was waning and I could stay up late. It was going to be excellent viewing conditions.

So I camped out on a website I generally turn to that updates the Aurora forecast about every 15 minutes, as well as a prediction of what’s to come in the next hour. I kept looking all night/morning, waiting for when it would reach at least “very active” or “storm” levels, but the site said it was “quiet” and I didn’t question it. I gave up around 5AM and went to bed.

But y’know what? THE SITE WAS FALSE AND IT USUALLY ISN’T.

I MISSED THIS.

That’s just about 200 miles from here and where I am, I’m even further north, which would have meant that I probably had even a better chance for a good, clear view of them.

I’m just. So disappointed in myself. If I had just gone outside to look and didn’t rely on that website for updates...

[rashiira]

I've never gone through so much pain in 12 hours.

It took me an hour both around 5:15AM this morning and 10:15AM, to drain this infection. Bit but fucking agonizing bit. And that was after a FAILED attempt around 11PM and application of an oatmeal poultice.

I feel absolutely horrible. My meds make me feel dizzy and extremely moody, I can hardly eat anything because I constantly feel sick to my stomach, painkillers aren't doing their job, I'm still upset about a falling out a few days ago, and I'm barely able to catch a blink of sleep here and there (and then have to look forward to another hour session with my fucking toe when I get up).

At this rate, I don't even know if they can do the operation on Thursday. The infection isn't gone. It's nowhere near gone. And I don't fucking know what to do.

I literally sobbed my eyes out downstairs this morning when I was going at it, just from the pain, frustration, and how bloody awful I feel. This should have been over five months ago before it fucking started.

I just want it gone. PLEASE.

(Unrelated, I got the drive last night at least to do some of the request sketches. I don't know if I'll be doing any more than those 4-5 at this rate. I just feel like crap. Sorry if I don't get to/do yours.)

P.S. I'm sorry if you're sick of me talking/complaining about this, but this is a personal blog. And I have a number of tags you can block if you're not interested in seeing these posts. I need this outlet to cope. Please understand.

[rashiira]

More personal fee-fees and such.

I'll actually cut it this time so people can skip it if they want.

I almost did it. I almost messaged that SOB.

I'm glad that I didn't, but just the same, I'm so disappointed in myself. This is what happens when I feel really lonely and out in left field. I try to go back to something that feels familiar.

I've spent most of the day after work sleeping and being depressed, watching an LP by myself, playing ball with my dog. Everything feels so empty and I feel like I'm fighting just to keep myself occupied so I don't drown in stress, discomfort, sadness, and dread of next week.

I just want to escape from life for awhile and forget that I even exist.

I can't even bring myself to draw angsty fanart or something. The feelings just build and I have nowhere to put them. There's no one here I could have a heart-to-heart with, no friends IRL I could hang out with, nothing.

And all the while I feel guilty and stupid and selfish for even thinking I deserve anyone like that in my life in the first place.

[rashiira]

It's one of those days where I'm thinking about my life and what's lacking and I hate it.

I can't help but wish that I never wasted 10+ years of my life on someone who didn't deserve it and who emotionally tore me apart. I was a stupid fool. And maybe if I hadn't been, I wouldn't be as lonely as I am now. Maybe I would be happy. Maybe I would be married.

People just say things like "Oh, you're still young!". But that's bullshit. The years are going by quickly, I'm already an older gal, and I can't find anyone to connect with. Nearly all of my siblings are married (one is just seeing a girlfriend, but the other two are married with kids). And I don't even know how long it would take me to open up to someone again and develop a trust, even if I could finally find that person.

I've only ever been in love that once and it tore me to pieces time and time again. And guys aren't interested in me, anyway. I'm not a looker (closer to the opposite). I don't have a big boobs. Basically, I'm don't even think I'm appealing to the other sex. All that shit about guys who go for personality isn't something I believe, either. I have yet to find one that really does, or actually likes my personality instead of immediately asking me for photographs/webcam chat and things I'm not comfortable showing to people I barely know.

I'm not saying that life is just about having a meaningful relationship, either. But it's something that I've always, always yearned to have and I feel incomplete without someone to share my life with.

I'm tired of this. I don't want to view myself as hopeless, but every day brings me a little closer to letting my shattered dreams go.