my therapist told me that i should start writing stuff down to pace myself, and since i already have this blog, i might as well just put it here.
nobody's going to read this, but since i realised that i never made a good introduction to this blog, i'll do it now. i'm ian, 20, and an upcoming econ student. used to be an engineering major, but i failed spectacularly. it was fun though. in the years since i abandoned this blog, i got diagnosed with asd, got out of my teenage depression (still have it but i've learned to deal with it better), and have a pretty crappy stock gambling habit (i've never lost a penny but i still haven't beat the s&p index).
i still don't have any friends, but i've matured enough to realise that i was the problem. i used to blame absolutely everyone, but if there's anything i've learned, it's that i was always at fault. i'm rude, ruthless, egotistical, and too ambitious for my own good. i'd be a perfect ceo if i was smart. i have learned to grieve for the friendships i've lost and to just not bother anyone anymore, and while i've reduced the sadness, it's still there. whenever i see a group of friends that pang of sadness still hits me, but it's usually only there for a few seconds. i don't really talk anymore. i used to be a talkative guy but now i just talk to my parents and my therapist. i haven't yet, and probably won't try to make friendships in college. i hate grieving, and i don't want to hurt anyone.
i'm scared of turning 21. it's still a few months away, but the concept scares me. i never thought that i'd live this long. i always thought that i'd be gone before i turned 21. either my health issues take me out or i do. it never happened. i'm still surprised that i'm still here. maybe i'm dead and this is my hell, i'll never know.
i took an ielts test last week and i got a 9.0. i swear that i'm actually illiterate. i've been speaking english all my life but i still feel like i don't know the language. i've taken all the language tests out there, i was always given a score similar to what a fluent speaker would have. i learned dutch for one guy and i never got past the complements part on duolingo. i'm almost at the end of the french one, i still can't speak the language.
i don't understand the charli xcx brat implosion. i've been listening to her for years but this album is definitely not her best work. i'd argue next level charli and pop2 are magnitudes better.
i moved to reddit when i retired from tumblr, but now that it's another election year, i'm logging off until the americans get their crap together. americans are some of the weirdest voters ever. if i had the choice between a cop and an old hitler wannabe, as much as i despise cops i'd rather have the cop.
also, i still don't have a tiktok account, and i refuse to have one. if i want brainrot, i'd rather use youtube shorts.
i'll be back when i have the urge to talk again. to the robot and a possible human reading this, thank you, and i'm sorry you read this.