#mandikandi

[coughingtree]

You made me beleive fake people are the population But you promised to show me ypu were different. Then Left Me With such a beautiful lie.

[coughingtree]

I cant explain how my soul knows your soul; maybe From a time before? i may just be crazy for beleiving this mere conviction that we were forbidden in a time ago I can only feel it, but depth and velocity count I can hardly breathe at times The vibes are so strong; they blanket me in comfort I cant help but feel a home i cant explain. Im no longer better off alone, dear Its at home; when your near That i feel things this magical And ill never stop wanting my doses of you, im continously finding out. My hand does not simply just touch your chest. I do not simply heart a heart beat I sink beneath these invisible layers and i feel something Soft and fuzzy, Its light I see yellow Dorthy followed the yellow home; she saw bricks I see you, All i see is you and its all the time. I cant explain my comfort with you or the depth of it …and i like that. Its hot. Not knowing where the magic comes from But that is comes at all, is what i cherish Like you. Til my next dose of you, Ill miss you between the times of time In a span of thing i cant explain Like all the others, ill just beleive That i feel all this good in it. Like i feel so fluently with you; better and good my soul has attached to yours i think When that began, i am unaware But when they touch; our souls, its like they've touched before And its like ive missed it for too many lifetime's i solomly swear that this ones is going to have to be ready for us. Because i will not give up on loving home

[coughingtree]

He always knows The parts of him he beat into me over the years, Seem to scent out Even my shallowest happiness. I wish there was a anti-drug that could extract him from me. He has become my most rabid of cancers. Every time he pops in my life, He manages to giftedly aggrivate every cell in my body, And since he mutilated my mind Regarding my own sanity And captured every single person genetically required to love me; To announce my own death before He even had time to finish the job. He is still prowling the dark corners of my mind Constantly on time for reminding me how much power he has over me. And how much control he has stolen and continues to steal. Yet I am sure he’ll never be convicted in time. While the pieces of him he left behind wisper to me, “I’m not done breaking you down. I can feel some hopeful pieces. Don’t worry. I’m on my way. It won’t be long. It won’t be long now.”

Mandikandi

[coughingtree]

I’ve always had somebody to tell me what to do my whole life and i’d do it and exceed expectations. But you took me into your life and told me to do me. You stumped me. What was me? Who was I? Who did I want to fucking become. You gave me a say, you made my voice. I think that explains my attachment to you. I owe you forever.

[coughingtree]

Im just tired of almost dying every time i try buying shit to fill the empty i am. Im going to try filling it with better shit that might fucking save me. Its just so painfully slow.

#mandikandi

[coughingtree]

Im just changed now. Im tired of not using my good old gut more often Im tired of seeing people play these games. Dont cough your bull shit on me Im focused on makeing me and my own a life. Im fearless of you because you all have to earn my fucking trust now. And i have high standards of how people should be.

#mandikandi

[coughingtree]

If he wants to sweep me off my feet, he'll know to swoop me on a random rough day and drive us anywhere that might attempt to take my breathe away. Puff puff pass. Words and passion till the sun rises. Happy to get such a chance at loving mornings near you.

Mandikandi

[coughingtree]

Random Journal entries from this year. #1 Something invisible inside her snapped and she doesn't feel the same next to me anymore. #2 Life has been heavy lately, it's weighing on my mind and shoulders. I can measure it too by the extra room in my waist band and the dullness in festering in my eyes. I am swimming in my thoughts and its always past midnight, which is when the sad souls emerge and we all seem to avoid the same question, "are you okay," because over the years we've gotten tired of smiling lies. And if we actually exposed our broken pieces and shared of how they got that way My fear is that I might break you with my life by destroying your hope in people, humanity or tomorrow. I've surprised too many people with my addiction to continue breathing. I'm only silently holding on by a thread So don't ask me if I am okay. I can't take the reminder that I've gotten really good at smiling lies. I'm always up past midnight When the shadows hide my smile perfectly Just enough for you to believe it. #3 But Darling it's not suicide if I'm already dead and you killed me long ago and I know you will scoff at this, at me But what you did, What you do changes people and all you could do was drain me. #4 Was it easy when you left and took everything I cared about with you, becoming one of the guys my mother warned me about. The ones who steal your breathe away never intending to give it back. At least I learned how to hold my breathe. #5 I found that, I couldn't destroy what he destroyed in me.

#mandikandi