So my mother is finally in therapy and the effects are… interesting.
While I won’t go into context about my childhood, I can certainly summarize the consequences that my mother has faced. My older sibling has almost completely cut off contact with my mother. It’s been oh so hard for her because now she can’t even see her grandchild. That’s what put her into therapy. She feels like she’s ‘lost a child forever’, which is… so ironic, but we’re not getting into that today.
I would say she has changed in some ways. I think she’s been forced to realize that her volatile reactions and vitriolic words towards us as kids did, in fact, actually hurt our relationship with her. As a result, she’s been definitely calmer and more centered, yet she seems to think this was all she needed to do. That if she’s just nice it will fix us. Ma’am, that’s not how it works.
Parenting isn’t a coloring page. To have a good relationship with your adult children, you need to have a good relationship with your children when they are actually children. You need to express empathy, listen to them, and, most importantly, act like a fucking adult when they mess up.
I always feel so weird giving major life updates, but I know you all care about me and I also know that I’m not going to be online very much for a while and I don’t want anyone to worry.
Last night my grandpa passed away; at home, surrounded by his family.
Someone please be proud of me for getting up at like, 6 in the morning to go to a last minute, sort of emergency doctors appointment at 7:30 to talk about how badly my mental health has been lately.
I just want to say upfront that this Vent post is going to be a lot deeper than what I normally tend to post with my vents.
I’m not very good at being 100% open to people when I’m struggling with my mental health or anything else that may be bothering me for fear that I may come off as manipulative and/or make people believe that I’m just trying to use them as a free therapist.
But I know a lot of you guys care about me and I feel like I owe it to you to be transparent about just how badly I’ve been struggling.
Basically about a week ago I had a breakdown at work because of some bullshit my co worker pulled and then tried to throw me under the bus for. After that shitshow of a week, I texted my IRL best friend asking if we could hang out because I just desperately needed friend time and to just get out of the house, only for them to respond with “Oh No, I’m so sorry I forgot to tell you. Me and (Their partner) are in Alaska.”
While I knew my friend and their partner had been planning this trip, I couldn’t help but just….get emotionally devastated by this. I know logically it’s not their fault and that this wasn’t done with any malicious intent, but it sent me into a deep depression.
For a very long time now I have been feeling extremely lonely but I have never quite shared the extent of just how deep these feels of loneliness have gone, and it wasn’t until this incident that everything has just bubbled up and I can’t hold it back anymore.
I feel like no one is on my side; that all I do is give and give and give but I never get anything in return. And if I try to ask for someone to be there for me just FOR ONCE, they immediately start making excuses or I get treated like I’m being selfish.
I feel trapped; I watch everyone around me getting to travel across the country or even the world, yet I’m stuck here. The only places I go are work or back home.
I feel like a failure; I’m 30, almost 31, and I still live at home with my mom. I don’t have a career. I can’t drive, I’m still single, and I’m still a virgin. While I know there’s nothing wrong with this, I still can’t help but feel like the world is judging me for it and because of that, it makes me even more terrified to try and make more friends or even try and find a partner than I already am.
I just can’t help but to look at myself and my life and feel like I have nothing to live for.
I have once again entered a state of mind where I am convinced that all my online friends are secretly mad at me for something I didn’t know I did and are therefore for icing me out because of it.
I am aware that this isn’t the case and that they’re probably just really busy with life, HOWEVER, my anxiety and paranoia really do be wanting to go into overdrive and I have to resist the urge to ask everyone if they’re mad at me and start apologizing for something I didn’t even do.
But anyway, if you would please humor my paranoid brain; Are you guys mad at me? 🥺
